There and Back Again Ch. 119-120

"I love you guys. You know that, right?"

Aedan kissed my forehead, Zevran squeezed my hand, and Alistair wrapped his arm around my waist, holding me close as we turned to head back to the palace.

The following day, Fergus left again for Highever, and those of us remaining, including seven Wardens, Leliana, Prince and me, packed ourselves up to leave for Amaranthine at first light the day after that. Saying goodbye to Cailan was harder than I expected, for both Alistair and I; we knew we were leaving him with few supporters, fewer friends, and a lot of disgruntled Loghain cronies to deal with, not to mention the nightmare of trying to recover from the Blight.

I managed to wait until I was alone to shed a few tears; in such a short time, we'd lost so much - Duncan, Riordan, Dougal, Sten...even those who hadn't died, we would likely never see again. And now walking away, leaving Cailan alone...it didn't feel right. But I worried Alistair would misunderstand my sorrow, or feel insecure if he thought I would miss Cailan, so I held it in until I got the chance to slip back into our room alone to finish packing.

I shouldn't have bothered - Alistair followed me within five minutes, scooping me up from the bed where I sat sniffling, holding me in his lap as he rested against the headboard.

"Duncan?" he asked.

I nodded, wiping my nose. "And Riordan. Even Cailan and Anora, Loghain...there's been so much upheaval. I know it's for the best, but...I miss them, and I worry about Cailan."

"I know. Me too. But he has us now, and we'll be back here often, I suspect. As weird as it is, we're family now."

"I'm so lucky," I whispered. "I never dreamed I'd have any of this - a husband, brothers, in-laws, friends. But it's inevitable that I'm going to lose some of them, and I never imagined that could hurt this much, either. I love you, Alistair." I sniffled again as the tears started anew.

"I'm not going anywhere. I promise." He kissed my forehead, settling back on the pillows, cradling me against his chest. His heartbeat, that constant, soft susurration that, to me, meant 'home', soothed me to sleep as the tears - mixed grief and gratitude, now - finally stopped falling.

When we woke, it was after supper; we snuck into the dining room, hoping the staff hadn't quite cleared the table yet, only to find Cailan, Kallian, Teagan, and the rest of the Wardens laughing and chatting over an open keg of ale, the table still covered in dishes of food. My irrational fit of melancholy behind me, I climbed into an open space between Kallian and Wynne, served myself an enormous helping of pheasant, potatoes, some unknown green vegetable that reminded me of asparagus, and dug in. Alistair sat between my brother and his, immediately engulfed in conversation.

We made it an early night, and my parting with dear Wynne, Kallian, Teagan, and Cailan was much more cheerful than I expected. Not having to see Eamon helped, though I'd softened towards him a fair bit since the Alienage rebuild. Having my cry early let me move past the grief and enjoy my last night.

I felt like it was likely I wouldn't see Wynne again often; between her plans for a clinic in Denerim, her promise to help Caridin and Shale, and the politics I knew would eventually draw her to Cumberland and Val Royeaux, I felt like I was losing her. At the same time, as she pulled me in for a last, warm hug, I felt a little bit like a child moving away from her parents for the first time. Wynne had been my surrogate mother for a year, but perhaps I didn't need a mother anymore. I'd miss her, but somehow I knew it would be okay.

I gave her a sealed envelope telling her everything I could remember about her son, the spirit boy, Cole, Evangeline the templar, and events at the White Spire that would lead to her death. I wasn't sure she'd read them, but she'd have the option without having to track me down. I kissed her cheek and slipped out into the doorway to let her say goodbye to everyone else.

Watching Kallian bid Wulf goodbye brought a lump to my throat; I'd somehow assumed, given their apparent relationship, that she'd be staying in his room, though I suppose after what she'd been through, it shouldn't have shocked me that things hadn't progressed that far. But when I accidentally wandered out in the hallway to see their foreheads pressed together tenderly, his fingers stroking her cheek as she clenched both hands in the long hair at his nape, it was obvious they were in love, even if they hadn't figured out how to get over the hurdle her abuse presented. I slipped back inside the dining room, undetected by either desolate elf in the hallway, blocking the door and making awkward small talk until I was certain they'd be done.

Wulf was gone when I finally caved to the strange looks my odd behaviour garnered and opened the door; Kallian wiped her cheeks surreptitiously as everyone spilled through, offering her goodbyes. The men, never sure how nervous they made her, shuffled past with a wave, but Leliana and I pulled the poor girl into a hug.

"Don't worry. He'll be back," I promised, whispering. "I'm going to talk Aedan into assigning him to Denerim, once the Thaw is over."

She nodded, voice raw. "Just keep him safe."

With one final, reassuring squeeze, I bid her farewell, and went back to my room to make love to my husband before our early morning march.

Tomorrow, everything will be different.

Chapter One Hundred Twenty: *Vigilance

It was five, miserable days of walking through the early fall rain to reach Amaranthine, and by the time we did, every single thing I owned was soaked. The Vigil was as ugly as I remembered from Awakenings, and worse than I'd imagined it. The walls around it sort of...sagged, obviously in major need of maintenance, and the gate couldn't even be closed, never mind barred, the wood warped and cracking. I didn't care at that moment, however; the main building was more-or-less waterproof, I assumed somewhere inside there would be a bathtub I could use and a bed to collapse into.

I'd never been so happy to see a dilapidated stone monstrosity in my entire life.

I was thrilled to learn that Nathaniel had warned the staff we were coming; there were torches lit, and a massive brazier in the entry hall took the chill and dampness out of the air as we all shrugged off wet cloaks and dropped our sodden backpacks. We'd rated a couple of pack animals for the trip, given to us by Cailan; most of our gear was with them, and we carried only personal items. Most of us weren't skilled enough horsemen to justify giving us horses. As we filtered into the main hall of the keep from the foyer, a bevy of servants swarmed the entry way, taking our things and disappearing down a side hallway.

An older, distinguished-looking man I recognised easily from Awakenings awaited us by the roaring hearth at one end of the room, and I had to stop myself from rushing forward to greet him. Nathaniel shook his hand, and then turned to us.

"This is-"

"Seneschal Varel," I breathed, interrupting Nathaniel and earning myself a grin from the normally taciturn nobleman, and a confused frown from poor Varel.

"As ever, the lady is correct. Varel, these are the Wardens and their companions I mentioned."

He introduced each of us in turn, and we all exchanged brief Warden greetings or handshakes - except for Alistair and me. Varel dropped to one knee in front of us, calling both of us 'your Highness' despite Nate's introduction of us as Warden-Commander and Lady Theirin. Alistair stiffened, his expression dismayed; I just sighed. I've been getting this so much I'm almost used to it. How sick is that?

I stepped forward, taking Varel's hand and pulling him to his feet. "Please, don't. We don't stand much on ceremony. I'm just Sierra, he's Alistair. Definitely not 'your Highness', and preferably not 'my Lady'. If you need a title for him," I gesture over my shoulder at Alistair, "go for Commander, but I'm still just Sierra. Please?"

I was babbling, and the Seneschal blinked at me in bemusement. "So, if I have this straight, you're trying to have me arrested?"

I stared at him for a moment with my mouth open, until finally Nathaniel laughed. "Varel, don't give the Lady a hard time." He turned to me and stage-whispered, "Some people say I'm the one with the dry sense of humour, but I learned it from him."

I glanced back at Varel, and saw a hint of a smirk playing around his lips. Oh, he's kidding. I'm an idiot. Aedan chuckled, and then I was giggling as I shook Varel's hand.

"Sorry, your Highness."

"Sierra," I said firmly, insistently making eye contact.

"My Lady," he tried, but I shook my head. He sighed. "Lady Sierra?"

I guessed that this was the most I could reasonably expect. I rolled my eyes, and finally nodded.

"I have quarters prepared for you all. I imagine you'd all like to get dry. Please follow me."

Nathaniel followed behind as we all trooped after Varel, soggy and cold, up a couple flights of stairs and down a long hallway. There was a large sitting area at one end, holding a handful of servants and most of the group's gear. Varel gestured to either side as he walked.

"These are your rooms. Wardens Conrad, Rolan, Bel, and Oghren," he grimaced at the last entry in his list, and I giggled, "have already chosen rooms. The open doors are available, please choose whichever room you'd like."

I glanced through one open door to see a small, plain room, with an armour stand, a large chest, a small wardrobe, and an oversized single bed. Nice, but plain. Perfect, actually - though I hope there's a room with a bigger bed. I flushed, and Alistair looked at me with a smirk, apparently having the same thought. I slapped his shoulder, and he chuckled.

"There are two double-occupancy rooms around that corner, if you wish. Bathing rooms are down the hall - the first baths have been drawn, and the servants will help you settle in and draw the next baths when you're ready. The dining room is off the main hall - a late supper will be served there in approximately one hour. The other Wardens will meet you there." I had to admit to being surprised that Conrad and the others weren't waiting for us when we arrived.

He turned to look at me, before letting his gaze travel to Alistair and Aedan. "Commanders, Lady Sierra, your quarters are this way."

Oh, the double-occupancy rooms aren't for us? Aedan put his hand on Zevran's shoulder, pushing him to keep walking; Nathaniel tucked Leliana's hand shyly under his arm, and I saw her beam him an ecstatic smile as he followed Varel further down the hall. I looked back, as Alistair led me forward, to see Solona and Anders disappearing around the corner, heading towards the larger rooms, and I smiled. They had begun sleeping together again sometime around the battle with the Archdemon - how Solona held out that long, I've no idea - but had tried to keep it a secret until we'd left Denerim, for some reason. Largely unsuccessfully; they aren't used to rogues in the Tower, I think. I was pleased they'd finally decided to be together openly.

I was thoroughly lost by the time Varel paused in a long, dim hallway; between gawping around like a fish, and woolgathering about Solona and Anders, I hadn't paid any attention to our route. I hoped Alistair had some idea how to get back to the main hall, or we were both going to be embarrassed - and hungry - before long.

Varel pointed at a closed door, and turned to Alistair and me. "This one is yours, Commander and Lady Sierra. The one opposite is for you." He pointed at Aedan. He didn't seem fazed by Zevran's presence, and I smiled gratefully.

We opened the doors and peeked inside; I gasped when I found a beautifully furnished room larger than the one at the Palace in Denerim I'd shared with Alistair. There was an enormous bed, a four-poster with a canopy, a couch in front of the merrily burning hearth, a little nook to the side with what looked to be a makeup counter complete with a large mirror on a stand, and I assumed the curtained door off to the right led to a private bathroom. The rug and walls were deep brown, the fabric of the drapes, canopy, and couch a royal blue, and a large, beautiful painting of a beach and the ocean tied it together nicely. Aedan's room was similar, though slightly smaller and decorated in shades of green, with no makeup nook.

I giggled. "I think you've got the rooms reversed, Seneschal. I have no idea what to do with that area, but I'm certain someone else could use it." I winked at Zevran, and he growled good-naturedly at me; Varel's ears reddened as he rubbed a hand over his face, trying to hide his smile. Aedan just laughed.

"Well, I'm certain you'll find some use for the desk, Sierra." Nathaniel's tone was wry, and he smirked at me. "Anyway, my room's there. Now, if you'll excuse us..."

He took Leliana's hand and led her through the doorway; three servants came bustling around the corner, each loaded down with soggy bags, and they dropped our things on the floor inside each of our rooms.

"Put all wet items, laundry, or armour to be cleaned in the hamper, and someone will see to them in the morning," Varel instructed. "The servants should be here momentarily with hot water for the baths."

"We won't need any," I volunteered, pointing at Alistair and me, flushing when Varel raised his eyebrow at me. "Queen Sereda gave me a dwarven water rune."

"Very well. See you in the dining hall in an hour." He nodded at us. "Commanders, Lady Sierra, Warden." He followed the servants away, leaving us standing in the hallway.

I turned to Aedan. "We are in the family rooms, I'm assuming? I feel like that's just...that's not right."

Aedan frowned at me. "Sort of, but not really. Pretty much every Keep, and every decent-sized estate for that matter, has rooms for honoured guests, near the family quarters. But I'm guessing the actual family rooms are being renovated - these aren't where Nate lived when he was little, I'd bet. Knowing his father, the family rooms are probably in severe need of redecorating. I'd bet that's technically a guest room too." He pointed at Nate's door. "The bigger issue is where any actual guests will sleep if we're occupying the guest rooms. Guess we better hope Cailan and Fergus don't come to visit over the next few months. You're in their room."

"We are? How can you tell?"

Aedan took a few steps into the room I was to share with Alistair and pointed at the curtained doorway. "That's how."

I shot him a confused look, and headed through the curtain, Alistair on my heels. There was a large bathroom, with two basins sunk into a large cabinet, a bathtub that could easily accommodate the four of us, and an unusual chamber pot, but what drew my attention was another doorway, also blocked by a curtain. Behind that door, there was a small corridor with three more doors. One led to a second, somewhat smaller bedroom that was still lavishly furnished and had a hearth of its own, also lit; one led back to the hallway; and the third to a tiny room holding bunkbeds. I turned back to Aedan, puzzled.

"Married quarters for a king or someone of status," he said, as though that explained anything. I raised an eyebrow, and he chuckled. "Most married couples don't sleep together, at least in arranged marriages. You don't think Cailan and Anora shared a room, do you? This is the husband's private chamber. He would...uh, 'visit' his wife in her room when they wanted to, uh..."

We all blushed, except Zevran, who cackled while we all avoided eye-contact awkwardly. My brother may approve of my husband, but he hasn't gotten over his abject fear of talking about sex with me. I snorted. "Right. Got it."

Aedan pointed at the other room and cleared his throat. "And that's where your lady's maid and manservant would stay."

I sighed. "I'm not having servants. This is ridiculous. That space could be useful for something, but I guess it can just stay empty for now. We won't be here forever, I suppose." I looked into the bedroom again. "Maybe I can shove the bed against the wall and use this room as an office."

"Anyhow," Aedan muttered, and Zevran chuckled again. "We'll just leave you..."

He and Zevran trooped out and across the hall; Zevran closed the door behind himself with a lascivious wink in my direction. I rolled my eyes. Once they were gone, I turned to find Alistair rifling through one of his bags, looking for something - my shower head, I hoped. I eyed him thoughtfully.

He glanced up at me self-consciously. "What?"

I bit my lip. "Do you...I mean, should I not turn that room into an office?"

He frowned and stood up, reaching out to cup my cheek. "I have no intention of sleeping in a bed you aren't in, if that's what you're asking. Might as well save myself the walk when we want to 'visit'," he joked, smirking.

I laughed and slapped his chest lightly with the flat of my hand. He grabbed the hand and brought it to his lips, kissing my palm softly. Looking down at me, his grin slowly faded, and he cocked his head slightly. "Unless...do you want me to sleep in there?"

"Maker, no! If you're sleeping in there, so am I." I stepped closer, pressing myself up against his chest despite his clunky armour. "Married couples are mostly expected to share a bed, where I come from." I smiled softly up at him. "I just don't want to, you know, coerce you into something unnatural to you, or anything."

"Unnatural?" He chuckled. "I never thought I'd be with anyone, Sierra. I never predicted I'd be married, so it's not as though I spent hours imagining my married life. I was certainly never a noble son who expected an arranged marriage. I married you because I love you, and I want nothing more than to share a bed with you for the rest of my life. The only unnatural thing would be lying alone in a bed down the hall from you, instead of curled up with you."

I reached up to put my hand on his shoulder, unbuckling the strap I knew rested there. "Speaking of... We have an hour. I think I'd like to show you just how much I enjoy your 'visits'. Did you find my shower head yet?"

He held up his hand, the little shower head gripped in his palm, and I reached for the buckles of my own armour, flicking them open and dropping pieces behind me as I turned to head back into the bathroom.

"Coming?" I asked my husband, who was watching me with a rapidly darkening gaze.

He snorted and began the process of removing his armour; by the time he made it to the bathroom, I was naked and had done my business with the chamber pot. The unusual feature I hadn't initially understood about the necessary piece of furniture was that, contrary to most of the chamber pots I'd seen since coming to Thedas, this one was actually anchored down to the floor, sort of the way toilets were on Earth. I'd inspected it briefly to discover that, surprisingly, the Vigil had been built with at least rudimentary plumbing. Instead of an actual pot, there was a tube, lined with what had to be thin sheets of metal, leading down into the floor, and underneath the sink there was a large bucket of cold, not entirely clean-looking water. I realised the water must be used to flush the makeshift toilet, and was probably used bathwater or something similar - to save a servant having to bring up buckets of extra water every day.

The tub also had a drain in the bottom, and another tube led underneath the stone floor. I grinned at Alistair as he came in. "I may not love living in Rendon Howe's former home, but I won't complain about the accommodations." I showed him the plumbing, and he whistled, impressed.

"I'm so happy for you," he murmured, wrapping his big hands around my waist and pulling me in to kiss my forehead.