There and Back Again Ch. 089-090

"I thought you...Leliana said you told her it was a templar who caused the war."

"It was, sort of. It's a long story. The Knight Commander in Kirkwall is, well, crazy, and then she gets exposed to toxic red Lyrium and completely loses it. Starts making Harrowed mages Tranquil for tiny transgressions, allows her templars to abuse them...it gets really ugly. A bunch of mages turn to blood magic because it's that, Tranquility, or death. What Anders does is in response to that. I've warned Greagoir about it, and I'm hoping he can find a way to do something about Meredith before it gets that bad. And I've recruited Anders early, before his next escape would have been in the game, hoping to change what will happen in the end. Also, if I have any say, Justice will never be released from the Fade. But I have realised that there are too many balls in the air right now, and if something happens to me, it'll all come crashing down."

"He doesn't know?" She looked appalled, and I flushed, feeling defensive.

"I didn't want him to have to live with thinking that's inevitable. And I didn't tell anyone else, because I didn't want them judging him for something he hasn't even done yet. I decided...I know you're angry with him, and with good reason, but despite that I knew you might be the only person who wants to just change his future instead of killing him on the spot to make sure it never happens."

"Why don't you want to kill him? It seems like the easiest solution, for someone who has no reason to care."

"Solona, he's my friend. Even in the game, he was my friend. Underneath the rage and what Justice does to him, he's a good person, if a little misguided." She gave me a look, and I chuckled. "A lot misguided, then. But he doesn't deserve death for wanting mages to be free from abuse, free to use their powers without being treated like plague-carriers. We just need to make sure Vengeance never exists, and then perhaps he can help reform the Circles or something, instead of starting a war. And if Meredith can be removed before she can do too much harm, and maybe we can make sure she never gets the Red Lyrium, that should calm things down too."

"I just..." she trailed off, biting her lip, and then abruptly punched me in the arm. "Why did you wait so long to tell me? It would have been so much easier before we...before I let him back in, even a little."

"Aha, so you admit you let him in?"

"Of course I did. I'm not a complete idiot - I can see clearly enough to know how spectacularly... What's that term you used? Oh yes, screwed. I know how screwed I am. I hold no illusions that he's not going to worm his way back into my good graces eventually. Not that I'm letting him in willingly, but I've never been able to say no to him. Tonight I was supposed to be telling him off for good, and look where that got me! If he persists - and I think he will - he'll succeed again, and again. Making me laugh, making me want...and then I'll take him back, eventually.

"It's not that I don't understand why he acted like that, after what happened with Danielle. He told you about that?" I nodded, and she continued, "Things like that happen in the Circle, and it causes trauma for everyone around, not just those directly involved. Love is a liability when you live in a cage. But as much as I wouldn't want to be the reason that he stayed miserable in the Circle, I resent him leaving, too. It's not rational, but it's there. If he really loved me, shouldn't he have stayed to be with me? Or let me risk coming with him?"

She sighed, pushing her blond hair out of her face irritably. "I will help, in any way I can. Tell me what I can do to stop him, and I'll do it."

"Thanks, Solona. We've got some time, so when we get closer, we'll talk. But I really do want to keep this from him, if possible. No one should have to live with that hanging over their head."

"I agree...for now. I'll think about it, but if at some point I think he should be told, will you agree?"

I studied her tear-stained face for a few moments. "Okay. You know him better. You can decide if he needs to know." I touched her shoulder sympathetically, and she smiled tiredly.

"The one good thing about what happened is I'm likely to sleep tonight, for a change."

I laughed and grinned, and she chuckled back.

"He does love you, Solona. He's dumber than toast, I admit, and he needs a good swift kick, but he does love you. I hope that's at least some consolation."

"I know. Sometimes...it just feels like sometimes that's not enough."

I gave her a last hug, tucked her into bed with her quilt, and blew out the candle, closing the door behind me as I left. Two steps out into the hallway, I turned to head towards the main hall and a snack, when I caught a glimpse of long blond hair booking it around the corner in front of me. I glanced at Solona's door and decided against calling out to the mage, instead hustling down the hall to catch up. When I turned the corner I'd seen him rounding, I deemed myself far enough away from Solona's door to risk it.

"Anders!"

He'd almost made it to the stairs down, but he paused to let me catch up, schooling his features to impassivity, regarding me with vague curiosity. He's going to try to pretend he wasn't listening outside Solona's door when he's been caught red-handed? Impossible!

I stepped up beside him with a vapid smile, then reached up and grabbed his ear, like I used to with the foster children I was tasked with taking care of as a young teenager, and pulled his head down to the level of my ear. Damn tall people!

"We need to talk, Anders." My tone was menacing, and my expression had morphed to one of righteous fury. Anders blanched, but nodded as best he could with my grip still on his ear. I released him and turned to head back toward the library, before pausing. I didn't need the reminder of what he'd been up to earlier. I turned back to him. "Your room," I demanded, and he gestured listlessly without objection.

Once in his room, I turned to him, eyes flashing with rage. "How much did you hear?"

"Nothing," he grumbled, looking like a petulant child. "Door was too thick and I knew you'd feel it if I eavesdropped with magic."

"Oh stop sulking, you big baby. You're just mad you got caught without at least being able to get anything out of it first."

He smirked at that, and I growled.

"Anders, what the hell were you thinking?"

He looked up, surprised and defensive. "What do you mean?"

"Don't play stupid. You aren't a good enough liar. I know, Anders. I was there." He looked confused at that, and I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I was in the library earlier, reading."

His look of confusion slowly changed to horror. "You saw that?"

"Yes. So I repeat, what the hell were you thinking? Honestly, you have to be the stupidest man I've ever met. I thought you were supposed to be good with women?"

"That's what it said in your performance, did it?" he asked, obviously trying to change subjects. And then he smirked again, enraging me.

"Yes, I suppose it is. But considering that, in the performance, Solona was either dead, Tranquil, or in Aeonar, I guess you could be a little more carefree with your affections." It was a cruel blow, and I knew it, but he needed to hear it.

He paled, and then sat heavily on his bed, burying his face in his hands. "I should have been there. I could have stopped her. Gotten Jowan out somehow else, without her getting caught. Damn Greagoir! Damn Jowan to the void!"

"Right, because that's the biggest issue here right now. Seriously. Sex, to fix your screwed up relationship? That's what you thought was going to help?"

"I wasn't thinking, okay? It wasn't exactly a plan. It just...happened."

"I think sex 'just happens' to you a lot, which is exactly the problem. Asshat."

"Did you just call me an asshat?"

"It's like if you wore your own ass as a hat. It's fairly self-explanatory, I thought."

"I gathered that, thanks. Anyway, you notice she didn't say no!"

"No, she didn't. She's lonely, and she hates herself for allowing it. That's what you gave her today - a reason to be disgusted with herself. If you want her back...actually, wait. Do you want her back?"

"Yes, of course."

"Not of course. You need to put some thought into this, you idiot. Do you really, truly want her back? Knowing it's going to take a lot of work, and you may not succeed? Knowing that if you succeed and then screw it up again, I'll track you down and kill you myself? Only one woman for the rest of your life, to spend your entire life trying to make happy? Do you want her back?"

"Yes." His pale face was earnest, his expression sincere. "More than anything. I would do absolutely anything. Whatever it takes."

"Can I make a suggestion?"

"Like I could stop you?" He quirked a smile, and I turned away, irritated. "Wait. No, please, tell me. I'm obviously hopeless at this. Tell me."

I sighed. "Why don't you start by trying to convince her that you don't always think with only the little head? No sex jokes. No offers. You find yourself alone with her, you restrain yourself to kissing her hand, and not the rest of her." He flushed. "Even if she doesn't say no, it's not what she needs from you. She needs to know you can keep your dick in your pants, be trustworthy and reliable and helpful, not lecherous. She's a pretty girl - she's got enough men ogling her. No whores, no other women - or men, for that matter - that she has to wonder about. Why don't you try being her friend, and letting her learn to trust you again? Talk to her like she's a person. Spend time with her. And then see if you can patch things up after that? Let her come to you when she wants to be intimate, not the other way around."

He had regained the colour in his face, flushing when I mentioned the whores; at least, he looked like he'd listened to my little diatribe. I blushed slightly thinking about how preachy I'd just been. I'm going to be worse than Wynne! I pushed off the wall I'd been leaning against, stepping up to him and putting my hand on his shoulder.

"She loves you. If you'd stop being such a jerk, you might be able to fix this." I took my hand off his shoulder and slapped him upside the head once, hard; he swore and rubbed his scalp ruefully. "That's for using sex as manipulation. And for not checking to see if the library was empty before you undressed someone on the coffee table."

He finally chuckled, and I turned to leave.

"Why are you helping me?"

I looked back at him over my shoulder. "Because, despite your apparent intermittent bouts of stupidity, you're not a bad person. You deserve to be happy, and Solona deserves more than what you've given her so far."

He nodded, and I left. I took a deep breath, then headed down to the kitchen. I'd missed supper again. Mistress Leta was puttering about, I guessed readying meals for the morning; I helped myself to a tray, some plates, some bread and cheese, and some leftover meat from supper, piling enough sandwiches on the tray to feed three starving bears, or two Grey Wardens. Mistress Leta handed me a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses; piling it all on my tray, I headed back to my room. I ran into Aedan and Zev with a few of the other Wardens on their way out to Tapsters; I waved off the invitation and gave Aedan a kiss on the cheek.

I backed through the door to our room, my hands full with the tray; I set it down on a table to find Alistair awake, standing beside the bed, getting dressed. He wore only his low-riding pants, his tunic held in his hands; it was a look that never failed to arouse me. His skin was golden in the firelight, scattered white scars over his torso providing a startling contrast, his muscles flexing and bulging underneath, a light trail of hair leading from his slightly furry chest down past his navel, disappearing below his waistband.

He looked up at me and smiled. "I was just going to look for you. Oh, you brought food? Perfect." He stopped, taking in my slack-jawed appreciation of his half-naked form, and dropped the tunic on the bed with a smirk. "So, food later, then?"