Thinking Man’s Action 01

Ileana made a face. "Oh get a life Bill. This is one of the few places on campus that does not have security cameras."

I rolled my eyes before replying. "You do know the whole university is a smoke free zone."

Ileana took a big drag than answered. "What are you gonna do Bill? Report me to the campus tobacco Nazis for giving cancer to trees?"

I was forming my snappy comeback, when suddenly I was startled as "Letterboy" appeared from behind the dumpster, holding a baseball bat over his shoulder.

"Well, if it isn't Lesbo and KY Jelly." Letterboy said swinging the bat in an easy arc. "The Butt Buddy and his Dildo."

Ileana dropped her cigarette to the ground before stepping on the burning butt with her shoe. "Back off dumbshit," she said, hitching her purse up onto her shoulder. "Otherwise, I'm gonna stick that thing up your ass and turn you into a Popsicle."

Letterboy was unfazed as he said, "Where are your rainbow army playmates now Dyke?" He pointed the bat at us. "I have been waiting for this opportunity to get you freaks alone for over a year."

Letterboy then took a step forward, crouching into a coiled batting stance, getting ready to swing.

Reaching back into my years of playground altercations, I pointed behind Letterboy and yelled. "Look over there!" I started waving my hands over my head while wildly shouting, "Over Here! Over Here! HELP HELP!"

Just like the bullies when I was back in grade school, I saw the hesitation in Letterboy's eyes, he turned his head around to see who I was pointing and waving at.

Of course, there was nothing or nobody there. Normally, back on the playground, this would have been the moment at which I would have run away. The vacillation giving me a head start that always allowed me to reach the safety of the nearest schoolyard monitor. However this time running away was not a good option. So instead I let out a primal scream, launching myself at Letterboy, and yelling, "RUN ILEANA! RUN!"

Using all the vast fighting experience I had gained watching hours of "Big Time Wrestling" as a kid, I latched onto Letterboy's back, wrapping my hands around his head, my forearms covering his eyes and locking my legs around Letterboy's chest. I was sure this modified "sleeper hold" would have Letterboy unconscious and out like a dead light bulb in mere seconds.

Now what they do not tell you as a kid when you are watching "Big Time Wrestling", and this is so important I feel it should be in bold letters before each match, is this;

If your opponent has over fifty pounds of muscle and eight inches on you, that after a few moments of surprise, he can easily pull you off his back, and fling you to the ground with minimal effort.

I was lying on the ground with the wind knocked out of me, when I saw Letterboy standing over me with the baseball club raised over his head like Conan the Barbarian. My muscles refused to respond as I was trying to roll away from the coming blow.

Just before the air handler kicked on, obscuring all other sounds, I heard gunshots ring out. Abruptly, Letterboy fell to the ground clutching his thigh. I looked up to see Ileana in a combat stance with an automatic handgun in her grasp. The pistol slide was locked in the open position. She started shaking the firearm, grabbing the slide with her left hand.

The air handler wound down and I heard Letterboy moaning and Ileana shouting, "GODAMN Motherfucking Wop nine! I can't believe this prick jammed on me!"

I rolled over getting onto my hands and knees before saying. "Ileana! What the fuck did you do?"

Letterboy looked up and yelled "THAT BITCH SHOT ME!"

Ileana stopped trying to clear the jammed pistol, and walked toward Letterboy and myself. "No Shit Sherlock, I capped your ass. What kind of dumb ass moron brings a baseball bat to a gunfight?"

She shook the automatic in his face. "You're lucky this piece of shit jammed. I was aiming for your balls, and should've had a dozen more chances to hit my target."

Letterboy looked up. "You cunt! How the fuck am I going to play ball now!"

Ileana tapped the leg Letterboy was holding onto with her foot. "Jesus Christ you big sissy, you want some cheese to go with that whine? Damn round didn't even hit bone. Looks like a through and through. See that scratch has stopped bleeding already."

Letterboy took his hands away from his leg, and saw the blood stain on his pant leg was indeed not growing. This gave me an idea.

Shuffling over to Letterboy, I commanded, "Give me your wallet."

He looked astonished. "You going to rob me? First you shoot me, and now you're going to ROB me!"

"No I am going to save your dumb ass." I said. "If we report this little incident, the least of your worries will be losing your scholarship and getting expelled. You should be more concerned about assault charges and prison time. A nice young white boy like you will make some cellmate a great wife. Let you learn the true meaning of 'Butt Buddy'."

Letterboy pulled out his wallet and threw it to me. "No Dude, NO. Take my wallet, I won't say shit. Really man, let's just forget everything."

I handed the wallet to Ileana, and took away her gun. "Not so simple Pal. You gotta go to the hospital and get that wound looked out so it does not get infected. Hospitals are required to report all gunshots to the police."

Letterboy started whining. "Oh Dude! I am so screwed!"

I tapped his face. "Not if you pay attention and do what I say." I kneeled down in front of Letterboy. "You are going to wait 20 minutes, then dial 911. When the cops show up, you are going to say you were taking a shortcut out of the Library back to the baseball field and got jumped by three guys. Being the tough man you are, you were not going to hand over your money without a fight. In the struggle you got shot."

A visible sign of relief came over Letterboy's face. "Yeah, yeah, that'll work. Thanks man! I won't forget this!"

I got up. "You should forget this, but I'm sure you'll be a big hero," I said dryly. "Now wait twenty minutes. Got it?"

Letterboy just nodded. I saw Ileana had a puzzled look on her face as I grabbed her arm and pulled her away toward the parking lot and my car.

+++++

We were driving toward my place. Ileana was furious when I broke the pistol into its smallest components before tossing the pieces in various dumpsters and ponds. Also ramming a rat tail file, from the cars tool kit, down the barrel to scar up the rifling, than marking up the firing pin to eliminate any possibility of ID from the round or shell casing.

I threw the cash from the wallet out the window and tossed the wallet with its credit cards in an alley homeless guys were known to frequent at night.

I would not let Ileana speak on the trip, so she was livid when we finally got into my house.

"What the fuck was that all about?" Ileana yelled. She was all up in my face. "Why are you doing any favors for that high school butt plug? The prick attacked us! Clear fucking self-defense! Jack off should be in lock-up, having his asshole stretched and getting facials."

I gently pushed Ileana away. "Ileana, remember why you told me you came to this state after getting out of the service and physical rehab?"

Ileana was taken aback by my question. "Sure Bill, because this is one of the few states that allow gay marriage. Where I came from, you can legally fuck a horse, but it against the law to even sleep in a bed with someone of the same sex." She pointed her finger at me. "But don't change the damn subject. I want to know..."

"Ileana," I interrupted her. "Those liberal politicians you love so much, which gave you same sex marriage laws, also have some odd views on self-defense."

Ileana gave me a questioning look, so I continued. "In this state, you cannot just use force to defend yourself. You must make all attempts to exit the situation before using any type of violence, including mace, or other self-defense paraphernalia, and certainly not a gun. This is one of the few places that if a bad guy breaks into your home, YOU must flee the premises."

"Bill, that is fucking NUTS!"

I just shrugged. "Did you have a permit or registration for the gun? Or a license to carry that cannon around"

Ileana shook her head. "I tried. Got rejected twice. They did not even read my application. Just said I had no valid reason."

I nodded. "So Ileana you were carrying around an unlicensed, illegal firearm."

"But Bill..."

I held up my hand to stop her. "Listen, you never tried to flee the situation, were carrying an illegal, unlicensed firearm around, and shot a guy without giving him any warning. He only had a baseball bat. You would have been looking at getting a bigger sentence then him."

I shook my head. "Even if the DA decided to not charge you, the school has a zero tolerance about firearms on campus. You would be automatically expelled, plus forfeit your government aid, and any other student assistance."

"I can't believe this!" Ileana said, throwing up her hands. "Are you sure about this shit?"

I just grinned. "My late parents were two hippie, dippy, turn the other cheek, Gandhi, pacifist, violence never solved anything type of people. Plus, they were both community action attorneys who helped write the state's laws on this issue. Hell, we never had any money because they were always fighting windmills, or at a protest somewhere trying to save the world."

"So what do we do now Bill?"

I pushed Ileana toward the bedroom. "You are going to take a shower to get any gunpowder residue off you. Than I am going to wash your clothes with ammonia to also get rid of any residue."

Ileana did not even blush as she stripped. Ileana was tall but had the build of a twelve year old boy. The only difference being the artificial leg. I do have to admit the prosthesis was interesting.

Suddenly, I felt ashamed of myself for the little pity party I have been having concerning Amy and I's tribulations. Here Ileana had endured much more trauma, comparing our two circumstances was like the difference between an insect bite and...well an amputation. Yet it was Ileana who was helping me, I was supposed to be a grown man, not the world's biggest crybaby. She had been right in her assessment of the phrase 'Think like a Man of Action, Act like a Man of Thinking.' I was thinking like a crybaby and acting like a spoiled child, not a man.

"Bill, are you staring at my ass?"

Ileana words brought me out of my thoughts. "Umm... ah... no Ileana. I was looking at your leg."

She tapped the leg with her finger. "Yeah it is a pretty impressive piece of hardware. Microprocessor controlled, gyro stabilized, with pressurized sensor feedback, and a rechargeable long life battery. I am glad the government picked up the tab. This bad boy cost more than a new Lexus."

"They gave you a choice? I mean a Lexus has great resale numbers, and top value when you trade it in," I said. "That must have been a tough call to make."

Ileana chuckled as she took off her shirt while walking. "You sure this is not just a ploy to get me naked?"

"Yes Ileana, I arranged for my wife to have affairs, and convinced an overgrown adolescent to attack us, knowing you would shoot him with an illegal firearm. All so I could see you naked. Because God knows, only half of the world's population has the same equipment as you, which I have seen almost every day on another female for the past decade."

Ileana gave a laugh as she reached the bathroom door, stopping to hand me her socks. Than Ileana turned to me. "Bill, that was pretty ballsy of you jumping on that guy like that. Really, really, stupid, but still ballsy. What would you have done if I had not had the gun?"

I had my arms full of her clothes, so I said, "Actually Ileana my first choice was running away."

Ileana gave me an odd look. "You are not exactly the athletic type. You think you could have outrun him?"

As I headed to the laundry room, it was my turn to laugh. "I did not need to outrun him Ileana. I just had to outrun you."

++++++

The next morning, I met Ileana at the monkey house of the zoo. After the adrenaline rush of yesterday I was so wiped out that I had called in sick to work for the first time ever.

Today, Ileana and I had our "field experiment" for Psych class. It was "Observation on how stimulus effects the interactions of parental node in an outside environment." We were going to stare at families with small children from close by, and see how the parents reacted. I thought it was creepy to act like some perv, but it was all in the name of science.

Ileana, who was holding the small video camera, turned to me after an hour at the monkey house. "Bill this is not working. Sure, there are lots of families with small kids around, but so are tons of other people. It is too crowded and noisy in here, we are just another couple of faces."

I agreed, so we wandered around the zoo until we found the perfect venue. It was the African Painted dog's exhibit. Also known as the cape hunting dogs. The zoo had almost two dozen of these animals that looked like your average mutt that stood about 3 feet tall with multicolored spotted coats. There was always a small group of young children gathered to watch the antics of the dogs from a wide bridge about 10 feet above the enclosure.

As these multicolored African Painted dogs acted like a bunch of playful puppies, I guess it reminded the small children of their own pets as they pointed and clapped with glee. So we started our "Experiment".

After a while, both Ileana and I knew what to expect when we got close to the families and stared at the children. The reactions fell straight down gender lines. If Ileana did the staring, both mother and father would smile back, displaying their kids like proud parents. When I did the staring, mothers hurriedly corralled their children protectively and hustled them away. All the fathers puffed up like peacocks, most standing defensively in front of their clan. More than a few challenged me aggressively with statements that basically all said "What the FUCK are you looking at dickhead."

Fortunately, Ileana came to my aid, and was able to explain and calm down the more hostile men. After a few hours, we were taking a break eating some snacks from the concession stand while watching the African Painted dog's antics.

"Ileana, I'm done," I said, throwing the wrappings into the wire trash container next to us.

Ileana glanced at her watch. "We still have a few hours left. I think we need at least a dozen more observations to get a good sampling for our presentations."

"No Ileana, I mean I am done with this Amy thing. Remember the topic we have for that English Comp paper."

"Sure." Ileana replied. "Think like a man of Action. Act like a man of thinking."

"Yeah, well, you were right, and I have been doing the opposite of 'Think Like a Man of Action, Act like a Man of Thinking'. I've been wasting all my time thinking about actions against Amy. It is a waste of both our actions and thinking." I looked at Ileana. "I am sorry I got you involved, but now I can see I need to move on with my life. Think about what actions can give me what I want.

Ileana tossed her juice box into the trash can before replying. "No worries Bill, it is your call. A bit of a shame though, I had some real hurt lined up for your wife Amy."

I shook my head. "Remind me never to cross you or any of your friends. So thanks, but you can save your evil plans for world domination."

"That is next semester Bill," Ileana said with a smile before turning serious. "What do you want? What are you going to do?"

I swept my arms toward the nearby small crowd of parents with their children. "That is what I want. A normal family, wife, kids, grandparents, the whole works."

Ileana followed my hand to a young mother about our age, with an older woman, probably the grandmother, trying to hoist up a wriggling toddler up to get a better view of the African Painted dogs.

"Better be careful," Ileana muttered toward the mom/grandparent/child. "Damn kid is going to fall down and get hurt."

Suddenly, in the blink of an eye, the toddler grabbed onto railing ledge. He pushed himself out of his mother's grasp and pulled himself over the edge. I watched in horror as the child fell down over ten feet into the pit with the wild dogs.

The mother started screaming. Both Ileana and I, along with everyone else, ran to the edge of the railing to see the boy lying in the dirt ten feet below us. The toddler sat up and started crying. The wild dogs originally startled by the boys fall, were now regrouping in a pack.

People started dialing on their cell phones, while others ran off to find a zoo employee.

"Them damn dogs are going to tear that kid apart!" a man next to me said, covering his daughter's eyes.

Ileana started to reach into her purse, than she turned on me. "Goddam it Bill! Now I need that Fucking GUN!"

The dogs were snarling and started advancing on the child, who was standing up with his back to the dogs, reaching up toward the railing and wailing pitifully.

I grabbed the mesh metal trash can and threw it over the railing, aiming for the lead dog. The trash can missed the animals, smashing down in-between the crying toddler and pack.

This scattered the dogs for a minute, but they regrouped, beginning their snarling advance on the little boy again.

"Where the hell are the damn zoo people?" Ileana spat, spinning around and looking past the bridge.

The lead dog was a mere few feet away from the boy now.

"FUCK IT," I thought, hoisting myself onto the railing edge.

Ileana grabbed my pant leg. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOUR ARE DOING!"

I shook off her grip. "No time to think Ileana. Time for Action."

That said, I vaulting over the railing.

Ileana was swearing like a Drill Sargent as I fell toward the sound of a child's scream and snarling dogs.

++++++