Thinking Man’s Action 02

Amy followed the detective to the doorway, staring at him as he walked down the hall. After a minute Amy stomped over to the seated Ileana. Reaching into Ileana's flaming red hair, Amy yanked out a strand.

"Ouch!" Ileana yelped, rubbing her scalp. "What the hell did you do that for?"

Amy marched over to my bed and held the strand of red hair in my face.

"You Bastard!" Amy said in a low voice. "Sunday night, I was taking a shower in OUR bedroom bathroom when I saw all these red hairs in the drain." She shook the red strand of hair at me. "HOW COULD YOU! I work my ass off every day and sit home every night alone while you play schoolboy, and then you go screw this skinny bitch in MY HOME! IN MY BED!"

"Amy..." I started to speak.

Amy threw the hair strand at me, and then spit in my face before slapping me. Amy spun, turning on Ileana raising her hand over her head to deliver a strike to Ileana's face.

Ileana lifted the crutch she was holding and batted away Amy's blow. Quickly reversing her grip on the crutch, Ileana jammed the point of the crutch into Amy's solar plexus.

Amy doubled over, expelling a large "OOfff" and grabbing her midsection. Ileana moved the crutch downward catching Amy's ankle, before sweeping upward, knocking Amy off her feet and onto the floor.

Amy had no sooner hit the floor when in a flash Ileana was straddling her, the crutch across Amy's throat.

"You want to do battle chicken butt?" Ileana hissed at Amy. "I grew up with 5 brothers, so I don't do no fat chick, cat fight!"

Amy was struggling. "I am not FAT!"

Ileana rose off of Amy, pointing her crutch at Amy like a sword. "You ain't fat bitch? Maybe compared to a 500 pound prize pig. But whatever wide ride, just keep your pudgy pie eating paws off me."

I stared at the two women in amazement, my mind was frozen. It was like watching a car wreck.

Amy sat up rubbing her abdomen, she looked up at me. "We are DONE Bill!" She looked at Ileana. "Gay Lesbian my Ass!"

"Watch it." Ileana taunted. "Don't be comparing me to your big, fat lard ass."

Amy's face became beet red. "You can have this anorexic whore and screw her in the house all you want from now on!" She got up and dusted off her backside. "But you are gonna pay you cheating bastard! I hope this undernourished titless cunt was worth it!"

Amy grabbed at her wedding ring, making an effort to try and to pull it off.

"What's the matter Extra Large?" Ileana mocked. "Need some 10W40 to get the costume jewelry off that fat finger? Check your pockets for grease from the bacon snacks, that outta help."

Amy stormed out of the room. I was still in shock at the encounter. Ileana dropped back into the chair before speaking.

"Well Bill I thought that went well."

I finally found my voice. "Ileana, what did you do that for? Why didn't you tell her nothing happened between us? Or give me a chance to explain!"

Ileana shrugged. "You were going to pull the trigger and drop the little cheater anyway -right?"

I nodded my head.

"So Bill, this just gets the garbage out of the house sooner than later."

"Okay Ileana, but what was all that nonsense about Amy being fat? She is not in shape like you, but Amy certainly is not overweight."

Ileana gave me a grin. "Oh Hell, that was just a little 'trash talk' between us girls. Besides that cheater needs to walk away with a little pain. You gonna tell her you know about her play dates?"

"Nope." I said shaking my head. "Amy's probably been laughing at me, thinking she got a secret over my dumb ass. Her not knowing, I know, is a secret I get to laugh at her with."

"So it's all over but the shouting Bill?"

I sighed sadly. "And the lawyers." Pausing for moment, I glanced over at Ileana. "Still I wish this little dust-up could have been avoided. I am already sick of hospital food, and Amy's Mom makes the best pie."

+++++

Things went downhill quick. Amy had me served divorce papers two days later. In the hospital no less, which I thought was kind of tacky.

I was released from the hospital at the end of the week. I returned home to find all of Amy's possessions gone. I also found the electric and water shut off. Not to mention Amy had canceled the cable, internet, our credit cards, plus my cell phone. The bank accounts had not been drained, but not much was left. Amy had paid off our balance, and taken half of what was remaining, which was barely enough to keep the account active.

Worse was convincing the landlord I could swing the house rental on my own. Amy and I had been there forever on a month by month basis. In truth, I should have moved to a smaller, cheaper place. However, any new place would have wanted First month's rent, last month's rent, and a month's security deposit, none of which I had funds for. Also, with all my tools, and a decade worth of furniture and "stuff", I had neither the time, energy nor resources for a move.

Getting all the utilities turned back on in my name, new credit cards, cell phone plan, etc. besides being a hassle, and draining any cash I had left, also took a big chunk of my time. In between, classes, schoolwork, nightshift and everyday living, I was getting burnt out fast.

I know in my heart I could not stay with Amy any longer, but I still missed having her around. We had been together a large portion of my life. Not only did I miss her, and having someone home when I came in the door, but I also missed the day to day practical things Amy did, such as shopping, dishes, laundry, bill paying. To compensate, I became like a typical college students, eating off paper plates so I would not have dishes to wash. Twice, I just bought a six pack of underwear and socks --as it was easier than doing laundry.

The loss of Amy's income also took some getting used to. I picked up Sunday shifts at the bakery, which helped get me some funds, but it cut into both my sleep and study time.

Amy must not have been so nostalgic, one look at her divorce demands, and I knew I needed a lawyer. Ileana's had a friend from her GLBT group that was in family law, as well a former JAG, and agreed to not only take my case, but allow me to make payments for her service.

++++++

"Bil,l that is one pissed off lady." The former JAG officer said was we sat in her office. "I have just come from a meeting with your wife's lawyer. Amy is asking Alimony for 3 years, payback of her school tuition, books and fees for the semester she went to school, plus half of all the payments made so far to the University for your tuition. Now here is the big one, Amy demands a portion of any increase in your future earnings."

"Damn!" I exclaimed. "Does Amy want both testicles also? Or can I keep one of my family jewels. She is the one that quit her job at the bakery, didn't even give notice. How is any of that my fault?"

JAG leaned back in her chair. "This is a no fault state Bill, but we still tend to favor the 'fairer sex' in most cases. Amy's request is not that unusual, think of a spouse that sustains their mate all through medical school, paying the bills and being a support system. After all is over, 'Doctor/Heart/Brain Surgeon' is in great demand at a high salary. Can the mate just cast aside, without consequence, the person that was part of the corroboration that allowed the potential to happen? Does not the spouse that was sustenance during the lean hard times, not deserve to share in the bounty?"

I threw up my hands. "When we were together, everything and anything I had Amy was welcome to, and she knew it. If she is the one that wants to leave, why can we just split our crap down the middle and go our separate ways?"

"Bill, l are you saying you would be open to marriage counseling? A chance to get back together with Amy again? "

I shot up in my chair. "Fuck and NO"

JAG had a bit of a laugh. "I thought not. I ran it by your wife's attorney anyway, just to see what would happen. He said he had his orders from Amy and was not to deviate from them. He let slip something about Amy having gone away. I do not think he is even in contact with her."

"What Amy is hiding out somewhere? Like running from the Mob?"

JAG just shrugged. "Does not matter, I can slam down most of the requests pretty easy. No Kids, limited assets, should be quick if we need a court judge to decide the issues."

"Amy claims to be big time religion." I said. "Tell her it would be the Christian thing to do, giving away her man to the less fortunate that have none."

++++++

The lawyers met a few more times, not accomplishing anything as far as I could tell, but running up my legal tab. Hence, the reason three months later I was sitting in the courthouse, outside a room that held 'Family Matters'".

I did not how much longer I could go on burning the candle at both ends. Every time I thought I saw light at the end of the tunnel, it turned out to be an incoming train. The transmission on my car died. Without time or funds to repair it, I had been taking the bus. The bus schedule required I leave earlier and stay later, for both work and school. Ileana gave me rides as much as possible, but she lived on the other side of town.

The parents and grandparents from the boy at the zoo had been calling me weekly, to inquire about my health, and wanting to get together. But there always seemed to be a term paper or project due. I guess I could have asked them for some help, but I did not think it was right. I thought about it several times especially when the bills came due, however I always backed down, as it fell like coercion or greenmail.

"Bill! Bill!" the voice of JAG, my attorney calling, brought me out of my thoughts.

"Bill I have Good News and Bad news," JAG started. "The Good News is we are first up on the docket."

She paused, and I waited for the bad news.

"My..Ah.. Bill, we have not drawn the very best choices in judges for your case."

"How, 'Not Very Best Choice', are talking about?" I asked.

JAG hesitated. It must be hard for someone in her profession to tell the whole truth.

"Well Bill I just want you to prepare yourself. Our judge is VERY liberal when it comes to women's rights, and what they deserve out of a relationship. She is known as Judge Fem-Nazi. If militant feminists had an army, she would be their Field Marshall. Now I am all about equal pay and equal rights, but this judge is way over the line. She has been cited and warned a dozen times over some of her rulings and asset division. Unfortunately, never in your gender's favor."

I got up from my bench seat in the chair. "If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all."

Then I sighed, rubbing a hand through my hair. "What ever happen to Karma? You know the 'do good things and good things happen?' Ever since I jumped into that Dog Pound, my life has turned to shit. Some days I wish I would have just let those mutts finish chewing on me."

JAG squeezed my shoulder. "Buck up Cowboy, it will soon be over."

I gestured toward the door. "So shall we go in to beard the lion in her den?"

JAG put her arm out to stop me. "Bill, it might be best if you just wait here. I do not want you to say, or do anything that will give this judge any reason to make things...difficult."

"I am housebroken you know?"

JAG gave a tight smile. "As your legal representative I am advising you it would be best if you let me do this alone."

"OK I get it, you want a limited amount of testosterone in the room." I said.

JAG just pushed me back onto the hallway seat. "Stay put, I should done in about thirty minutes, an hour tops."

With that she walked into the courtroom.

+++++

I had brought some study material with me, but could not concentrate. After twenty minutes, I was getting restless, by forty five minutes I was bored, so I called Ileana on my cell.

"How goes the battle?" Ileana asked after I told her where I was. "You doing OK?"

"I feel like a death row inmate awaiting the hangman's noose."

"What about Amy? Did you see her?"

I looked around quickly. "Nope, my soon to be ex-wife is nowhere to be found. My lawyer hints Amy is in witness protection, possibility relocated."

"Really?" Ileana said in surprise.

"Sure, I bet Amy, and Elvis are hanging out right now eating fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches." I switched the phone to my other ear. "Have you always been this gullible?"

"Oh screw off Bill." Ileana laughed back at me. "It is just that Amy has not been on her cheater website since she stormed out of the hospital that day."

"Ileana why are you still checking out Amy on the cheating website?" I looked at my watch. "We really, really gotta get you a life. Besides, I bet Amy already has a permanent hook up with one of her on line bed buddies. Honestly, I could care less, more power to him."

Just then JAG came out of the courtroom, so I bid Ileana goodbye. As JAG walked toward me I saw her skip. I do not know that many attorneys, but this is the first one I ever saw one skipping like a small child.

"Bill, you better go out and buy a Lottery ticket, because this is your Lucky Day!" JAG gave me a hug. "I thought I was in the wrong courtroom. The judge I told you about, the ultra uber Fem Nazi? It was like someone else was in her body. Not only did she throw out all of your wife, Amy's demands, but your wife has to pay you for any fees associated with getting Utilities turned on, deposits, or any related costs."

My eyes open wide in shock. "You're not kidding are you?"

JAG gave me a great big smile. "No I am not. Oh it gets better... better for you anyway. Amy has to pay all and any attorney fees, of both parties, including court costs. And here is the kicker...wait for it...wait for it... Amy has to pay you alimony in the amount of half your rent plus, half of utilities for a period of eighteen months! A year and a half!"

I was stunned and had to sit down. JAG was babbling on about how the courtroom became dead silent as shocked other lawyers and even the bailiff were spellbound. Because this well-known, feminist, judge was lecturing Amy's attorneys about Amy taking advantage of the man trying to improve their lot in life, making all women look like money grubbing thieves, using the court to gain something she had no right to.

"The really funny thing is they may need to go review the Court audio recordings for the official record. The judge's long time stenographer was so astounded, she forgot to type down what the judge was saying."

Just than the Bailiff stuck his head out the door and crooked a finger at me. "Sir, the Judge would like to see you in her chambers."

JAG started to walk forward, but the Bailiff held up his hand. "Just you alone sir. Please, without your lawyer."

JAG spun me around by my shoulders. "Bill, I do not know what is going on, but this is highly irregular." She looked over my head at the impatient Bailiff.

JAG still had ahold of my shoulders. "Listen carefully, speak as little as possible. Nod or shake your head if you can. Keep all answers to 'Yes Your Honor' and 'No Your Honor', you got it?"

I nodded my head.

The Bailiff cleared his throat. "Sir, please, let's hurry. Her Honor does not like to be kept waiting.

++++++

I was shown into an elegant wood paneled back office. The judge, an older matronly looking lady had her back to me. She was signing some papers held to her by a court clerk. I looked around and saw the intimidating black robe hung by the wall. A wall filled with diplomas, awards and plaques.

The judge dismissed her clerk, finally turning to face me.

I almost fell over.

The last occasion I had seen this older woman's face had been from over ten feet away. She'd been standing at the railing edge of the zoo bridge, looking down at me in horror, as wild African Painted Dogs were trying to tear me apart.

At the time, as I fought for my life, being held high and tight in my arms, trying to keep safe from these vicious animal's fangs, wrapped safe from harm in my bloody grip had been... her only grandchild.

++++

It took a moment before nerve pulses reached my brain again. The judge approached, embracing me in a hug.

She held on for a minute than stepped back. "It is so good to finally meet you Bill. May I call you Bill?"

Still stunned, I remembered what the JAG had said so I nodded my head.

The judge led me to a small seating area that contained a sofa with a short table. After I sat the judge poured me coffee giving me a cup, before taking one herself.

"I hope I did not startle you too much Bill" (I shook my head mutely) "as you can see, I kept my maiden name after my marriage. You know, I never did get the chance to thank you properly for what you did for my grandson."

She opened a thick paper file on her lap. "I see you have no children. Do you want to have children Bill?"

"Sure... I mean, Yes Your Honor."

"No need to be so formal Bill. I was a parent to four children, but this is my only grandchild. Now let me tell you something about grandparents. It's different than being a parent. You think Mother Grizzly Bears protect their cubs? Grizzlies are wusses compared to the protection grandparents feel about their grandkids."

She closed the file. "We grandparents are old, stubborn, have resources, and don't give a good God damn what anyone thinks. You cannot embarrass us, intimidate us or shut us up, we just don't care about anything else when it comes to the welfare of our grandkids. We will spend whatever and do all. I love my children, but for my little grandson I would walk thru Hell's fire in a bra and panties filled with gasoline, to fight the devil himself."

I just nodded as the judge took a sip of her coffee.

"Bill, what you did to save my only grandson, that was without a doubt, the single, most monumental, unbelievable, major league, spectacular act of bravery I have ever seen. You do know that right?"

I nodded again. "Um... someone said something similar to me in the hospital, right after it happened Your Honor."

The judge just smiled. "There is nothing I can ever do to repay your actions. I do not know what you were thinking when you jumped into that pit, but I am glad you did." She tapped my file on her lap. "Any gratitude I can show you, cannot come close to being worthy of that day."

I was speechless, as I stared at my file in her lap.

Finally, the judge tossed my file on her desk, as she stood. "I hope you will find time to accept an invitation from our family. But please, you do not need to wait for an invite. You are always welcome in my home anytime. I can tell you everyone is looking so forward to meeting you."

She took her hand in mine. "Speaking of meeting, I know a large group of single professional young ladies who would love to meet a man that acts on his thoughts."

++++

Ileana and a group of the 'vets' were gathered in my home that evening to celebrate my 'independence' and newly found non-marriage status. I told JAG she could get rid of the stuff the judge was demanding from Amy. I just wanted us to each pick up our toys and go to our separate homes. Wherever Amy's new home may be.

I enjoyed hanging with these people. Even though I had several years on all the 'vets', they all seemed much more worldly than I, due to their time in the service. After the Zoo event the 'vets' had given me the nickname "Bone". As in the dog bone that a dog chews on. Despite our differences, I can tell you one thing, they sure as hell drank more than I ever could.

It was late but Ileana and 'Dead Eye Jane', the pixie blond, were still doing shots. I was astounded at the amount of liquor Ileana could hold without any effects. I knew her left leg was hollow, I wonder if her right leg was hollow also, the booze had to go somewhere.

"Hey Ileana!" shouted a crew cut guy with a marine shirt, who was playing a video game someone had brought over, with only one hand. "How much booze you gotta drink before you and me hit the rack for some sack time. I'll turn you into a REAL woman."