This Guy Walks into a Barbyfanfare©
A Not So Funny Joke On Modern Times
This Guy walks into a Bar.......
As his eyes adjust to the dim lighting and his nose tries to adapt to the stench, Guy sees his PI sitting at the bar. He walked over next to her. While waiting for the bartender to come down to this end, Guy watches the eyes of the PI in the mirror. She tilts her head towards her right shoulder. The bartender asks him what he wants.
Guy orders a shot of Irish and a draft from the bartender then he turns around and sees the couple necking in a dimly lit corner booth. He tells the bartender to have the waitress bring his order and whatever the couple in the booth in the corner are drinking.
Guy walks over and sits down sliding over next to the startled woman and puts one arm in a familiar gesture around over her shoulders, pulling her away from the now glowering other man.
Waitress sets the Irish whiskey & draft beer in front of Guy, a rum & cola before the woman and a bourbon on the rocks in front of the other man, taking their empty glasses. Guy drops a twenty and a ten on the tray and tells her to keep the change.
Once the waitress sashays away, Guy starts talking to the man who had been necking with the woman.
"Hey fellow, I know you and I haven't met but obviously you are well acquainted with my pretty wife here."
The angry look on the other man's face from the interruption and familiarity towards his date quickly becomes wary, then glares at her.
"You told me that your marriage was over!"
Finishing a good swallow of the rum & cola and putting the glass back down. She turns her hostile visage from her intrusive husband, to sneer at the man now sitting across from her.
"You're a typical man, you only hear what'll get your rocks off."
After shooting down the whiskey and chasing it with half the draft beer, Guy slaps the mug down and runs his free arm sleeve across his mouth.
"Yeah, she's good at that innocent, abandoned divorcee act. You ain't the first to fall for her cowshit. You won't be the last!"
She violently pulled away from his arm into the middle between the two men and spat at him.
"You fucking well know that our divorce will be final in just two weeks! You got no hope in hell of getting me back."
With equal venom, he replied.
"Honey, why would I want your sorry skank cunt back?"
Guy looks back at the other man, who is so obviously trying to make up his mind between 'fight or flight'.
"I'm just here to remind my ex-darling here to be on time Monday for 'Our' Clinic appointment. That was a nasty case of drug resistant gonorrhea that her last Mister Wonderful left us with plus the HIV tests we'll have to keep doing for the rest of the year."
Guy looked coldly across at the other man and then, with a small twinge of pity. In a very tired voice, worn out by repetition, he attempts to explain, one goddamn more time.
"I'm trying to keep this stupid slut alive for our children's sake. Especially since the morons in the legal system gave her full custody. Plus, if anything happens to her, then her parents, the same useless hippie idiot's that raised this whore, would get my children."
With barely contained anger and contempt he snarled at her.
"Funny that she hasn't spent more then an hour or two a day with them, this month. And even if those bureaucraps in Protective Services, would pull their smug, empty heads out of their asses, they would then toss my children into the maw of the foster system with all the emotion of dropping a banana peel into a trash can!"
Turning back to the other man, Guy sneered.
"By the way fella, how much time have you been spending with your children? And when you bring home some killer disease to Your Loving Wife..........Who'll get stuck with raising Your offspring?"
The other man looked really pissed at this and started to slide out but Guy snapped his fingers and ordered him .
"Whoa there buckaroo, you haven't heard the best of the worst yet! I hope you haven't been riding this public health menace bareback. I saw you two kissing when I walked in. Every exchange of ANY bodily fluids is potentially infectious. You better hope that you haven't been using that same mouth for kissing your own wife and children."
The other man's face was red with anger now turned white with fear as Guy soothed his parched throat with the remainder of his beer before continuing. Facing his ex-wife again, Guy bluntly remarks.
"So ex-dearest, this means a new round of testing for you. But you won't be alone, pretentious cockerel here and his blindsided wife will be joining you. Makes me happy I haven't swapped so much as spit with you in the last six months."
There is a growing look of angry fear on the other man's face. The soon-to-be-excess-wife is quietly crying with her head down and her faced covered by her hands. Guy continues to speak as he leans over the table to hand the other man a business card.
"This is for the Clinic handling all the tests and treatment regimes for dumb cum dump here and all the dumber men and their dumbfounded wives and girlfriends. You'll have to get in line and take a number."
Guy growled. "Wait till you have to explain to your children why they have to be tested."
Then he paused again, for effect. "Wait till you have to explain it to your parents..........and your in-laws!"
The other man blanched in panic as each blow hit home.
"You and your wife need to make an appointment, ASAP. Bring a list of everyone you've been fucking, licking, buggering, fingering, rimming and kissing the last few months including your children, parents, everyone. Better to be proactive then attending their funerals."
Guy stood up, looming over the stricken pair as stern as the Final Judgement.
"Don't bother sneaking off somewhere else for treatment. Where ever else you might go will just have to refer you to this clinic any way. This Clinic's doctors are testing a new series of drugs for combating multiple STI's with measurable success."
Guy's eyes coldly measuring the worth of this man, who is so lacking in self-control as to commit multiple infidelities without a thought of the consequences. So smugly certain of his Alpha Male superiority over all us wimps, whose wives and girlfriends he takes with impunity. Guy decides with implacable certainty that this may be a male animal but 'it' is definitely not a man!
"As a 'manly player' cocksman. You've already been reported to the CDC and they will have you on their Watch List by the end of the week. If you don't show up, like stupid here tried. A Public Health Officer accompanied by a Sheriff's Deputy or State Trooper will be a'knocking at your home and workplace to bring you and your wife in for treatment."
"Guess what? Public Health Doctor's don't give a flying fuck about your civil rights and they don't have to! Their first duty is to try to prevent or suppress epidemics."
"My ex is an idiot but you have to be just as stupid if you haven't been using a condom every time you've been fucking her. So now I have to assume that you have reinfected this most stupid of women. With what ever dripping diseases the prostitutes you have been visiting every payday, have passed along to you."
"And, I'm curious. You do know those twenty dollar blowjob whores on Gold Street are cross-dressing queers? Like the one you used Friday."
The man opposite him shot to his feet. His eyes bugged wide open and a look of horror swept across his face. Suddenly he bolted away, stumbling outside to vomit all over the sidewalk. The PI looked at me and shrugged her head if she should follow him? I shook my head slightly, for her to continue to shadow my-ex-whore.
"For one, goddamned weekend, couldn't you have stayed home and spent it with our children? Pretended you are a loving mother? For just two days!?! Uhhmm, wait, scratch that. Do not kiss the children! Maybe it would be best if you stayed away from them, until you are tested clean again."
He stood there wondering whatever compelled her, the woman he once loved so very much, down this dark road to perdition, then gave up with one last demand.
"Damnit! Couldn't you keep your legs together for just a few more weeks?"
This Guy walks out of a bar. With a heavy heart knowing that this won't be the last time or the last bar or the last confrontation. Until she finishes trying to kill herself and he can walk away from her grave.