Those Damn Traffic Light Cameras

For three weeks I've been trying to figure out what motivated me to do something so monumentally stupid. The only conclusion I could come to is that there were a number of temptations luring me off the cliff. First, and probably foremost, was I've always been a big flirt. I know that, Brian doesn't have to remind me, I've always been like that. After college I did product endorsement modeling because it was easy for me. I was attractive and I always liked to interact with people so making customers look at whatever product the vendor was hawking was easy money. I liked having people look at me, I liked flirting with them, and I know they liked seeing me in those skimpy outfits. I always thought it was a win-win situation. When I married Brian he always warned me when I got too flirty and was getting in over my head. He was my protector and without him to protect me I guess I went too far.

Another temptation was the money. I looked at the other women who screwed their clients after getting the contract signed and saw that they drove fancy cars and wore expensive designer dresses and had nice houses and even went on expensive vacations to exotic places. I dressed nicely and drove a nice car but they had just seemed to have so much more than I did. What I didn't see at the time was that they didn't have husbands or families. They had everything money could buy but they didn't have someone to love them and to hold them at night. I had Brian. He loved me and I loved him. Now I may not have him any more.

I even thought that my boss at the agency may have dangled the temptation of extra commissions by working on the high-end listings in front of me because he saw that I was just as attractive as the other women and could entice sales just as easily as they did. He probably hired me on my looks and not my talent knowing that one day the low-end listings would get me nowhere and then he could offer me the high-end ones if I had sex with the clients. He knew what he was doing. He manipulated me perfectly and I swallowed his bullshit hook, line, and sinker. He didn't even give a shit that I was married.

My God what a hole I've dug. After all the men I've ever known I finally find the one man who I was so completely in tune with and the one I was so completely in love with and what did I do? I turned on him like a rabid dog. How can I ever make it right? How can we get past our pain? How can I get Brian to love me again? And how in the hell will I be able to live with myself if he kicks me out?

Flirty, greedy, attractive, gullible, and stupid as hell. Yeah, that would make me a perfect corporate whore.

"GODDAMNED STUPID BITCH!" I screamed in frustration. I'd been doing more and more of that lately, spontaneous outbursts, usually swearing at what I did.

"Did you say something?" My sister stuck her head in the den with her usually worried look asking for the thousandth time if I was in my right mind.

"Just the usual shit sis," I murmured looking out the window at nothing. "Stupid, stupid me! Why don't you just shoot me and put me out of my misery?"

"The thought has crossed my mind so don't tempt me. But before I do that, Reese do me a favor, keep the language down a bit. The kids just got home and I don't want them hearing your highly colorful language. They already think you're completely bonkers, and for that matter so do I. How could you be so stupid as to play around on Brian? He's the best thing that ever happened to you and you screwed it up royally. That man is the nicest, most caring man I've ever known, outside of my own that is, and if I didn't already have a good man of my own Brian would be on the top of my wish list. That's a fact! You need to talk to him girl. You need to do whatever it takes to get him to forgive you, if that's even possible at this point. You should crawl naked over a mile of broken glass to get him to take you back."

I knew she was absolutely one hundred percent correct, as usual, but I didn't have a clue where to start.

"Thanks sis," I said quietly. "I'm working on it. As soon as I know what to do you'll be the first to know."

"Well just come to some decision pretty soon will 'ya? My in-laws are coming to stay for a week next month and we're going to need the guest bedroom for them, so yes if I have to I'll move your stuff to the basement and you can sleep next to the furnace. So just do something soon, okay? Oh, and dinner will be ready in about a half hour."

"Thanks sis. I always could count on you for support in my darkest hour."

When she left I did what I've done every day for the last week, I picked up the phone and dial home. For the 7th time in a row Brian didn't answer, the answering machine kicked in with my voice saying, "You've reached the Robbins' residence. No one can come to the phone right now so please leave a message after the beep. And please make it short. Bye!"

"Brian, please call me," I said with a whimper. "I need to hear your voice. We've got to talk. Please don't leave me hanging out here like this, I'm dying here, and I know I deserve it but it still hurts like hell. If what you're feeling right now is half as bad as what I feel then... then... I'm sorry for hurting you this way. Please call me. I love you."

I've left a similar message each time I called and he hasn't responded once. I know he's still alive because I've sat in my car down the street and watched as he went to work in the morning and I've been there when he came home in the evening. So I know he's ignoring my messages.

Over the last couple weeks I thought what I would feel and do if the shoe was on the other foot. I'd be devastated that's for sure. That's what he's feeling right now. But I've got to do something soon or I'll lose him. I've got to get him back. I've got to fight for the man I love. I've got to fight for my marriage. I've also got to get some serious psychiatric help when this is all over. Sis is right. I must be the craziest woman on the face of the earth to do something like that to him.

I did what I've done every day for the last three weeks; I let the crushing weight of my life grind me into the depths of despair and collapsed onto the couch sobbing into my arms.

After dinner I was again sitting in the den, in the chair by the window, looking out at the kids playing in the backyard, thinking about what I could do to get Brian's attention. I needed to do something to get him to open up and to talk to me, something dramatic. I've thought about and discarded a bunch of the obvious and absolutely asinine possibilities like a car accident, trying to make him jealous by going out on a date, a feigned suicide attempt, or just storming into his office at work and screaming and begging until he called security. My fallback position was the direct approach, just pack my bags and move back home. But I keep thinking what if I don't have a home anymore? What if he's made his decision and I'm not welcomed back? What if...

And all of the 'what if's' were driving me crazy. I had to know, one way or the other if I still had a marriage, and in turn a life. But if Brian wouldn't return my calls then we couldn't talk and if we couldn't talk we couldn't work this out and if we couldn't work this out...

"SHIT!" I said out loud to the empty room. "I guess I'd better start looking for a place to live," I said to myself ready to give up everything.

I went to my purse to get my BlackBerry phone to start browsing the rental market for a small, cheap place to live and that's when I saw the traffic citation that I promised to pay, the one that very clearly shows me leaning over the console of my car with my mouth around that buyer's cock. What was his name again? I had no clue. Shit, it was all so meaningless that I can't even remember his name. Aren't street whores like that, one John after the other, faceless men getting their rocks off in the whore's mouths?

"Yep, that's me. I'm a whore."

Finley agreed to pay for my ticket the last time I talked to him, no when I screamed at him over the phone. He said he'd put the amount in my final check under commission, and he did, but I haven't sent the check to the Orange County Police Department yet. I pulled out my checkbook and started writing the check when a strange idea pushed aside my grief and sat down in the middle of my consciousness.

"It's possible," I said with the beginnings of a smile. "Why not? If those damn traffic light cameras were what outed me in the first place why can't I use them for my own purposes, something positive for a change?"

My smile was a lot bigger now.

I strode into the kitchen barking at my sister, "Hey, do the kids have some poster paper and magic markers?"

She saw my smile and gave me one of her own in return.

Now all I had to do was do it.

I stopped leaving daily messages on our answering machine for Brian. I stopped stalking him and watching him come and go from the house. I even stopped trying to think up weird ways of getting him to talk to me. I already found one and had to let everything take its course to see if it worked.

It must have.

Three days later Brian's car pulled up in the driveway AND HE'S IN IT!

I started running around the house screaming at my sister and jumping up and down. "Sis, he's here! He's here! He's really here! Oh God what am I going to do. Maybe I should go put on a nice dress? Maybe put on makeup? How do I look? What do I do? Do I..."

"Shut up for a change Reese," my sister said grabbing me by the arm as I ran by. "Let me answer the door and I'll get him into the living room. You can come in and bring him something to drink. I'll take the kids out in the back yard and you two can talk in private. Just calm down for crying out loud!"

Sis answered the door and I could hear voices off in the distance but couldn't make out too many of their words. From where I stood in the kitchen pouring a couple sodas I could hear Brian's voice as he thanked my sister for putting up with me. That had to be a good sign, right? He was making a joke. At least I think it was a joke? Maybe it wasn't a joke? Maybe he was preparing her for a long term house guest? Maybe...

Oh Shit!

My sister returned and whispered, "Reese, calm down and try not to spill the sodas on our new carpet when you go in there. I just want to warn you that he wasn't smiling when he came in although he did give me a hug, and oh what a nice hug it was. He seemed to be pretty sad. Now get your ass in there and do whatever you have to do to get your husband back. I'll be out back if you need reinforcements."

I checked my face in the reflection in the window, straightened my blouse and pants, picked up the sodas, took a deep breath, and went to meet my fate. The love of my life was sitting on the couch when I entered and as I approached my heart started racing.

"Hi Brian. I'm glad to see you. I missed you. Oh, here's a soda. Is it okay to talk here? We can go into the den if you want. You came to talk, right? Sis said you gave her a hug. God I missed you. Oh wait I said that already. You want something to eat? I can fix a snack or get some cookies or..."

"Reese, calm down," Brian said interrupting. His face now had the beginnings of a smile.

I put the sodas on the coffee table, not spilling a drop, and sat next to him on the couch. I reached over and took his hand in mine and pulled it to my lips. The touch of his hand broke the dam and the tears that I thought I had all cried out were again flowing with a vengeance. I fell onto his shoulder and cried as he sat there with his arms around me quietly stroking my hair.

Running the back of my hand under my nose and then wiping away the tears on my cheeks, I sat up and looked up into his eyes for the first time in what felt like an eternity. He was just as beautiful as I'd remembered.

"I got your message," he said smiling.

"And...?"

"I'm here. But it's going to cost you."

"What? Why? I don't understand."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out an envelope and handed it to me.

"Oh God no!" I lamented. "This isn't what I think it is, is it? Please don't do it this way. Don't serve me like this. I'm more sorry..."

"Reese, shut up. Here open this and look at it."

With a shaky hand I took the envelope and saw that he'd already opened it. Then I remembered what I had done. When I took out the single sheet of paper and unfolded it I saw a Notice of Traffic Violation from the Orange County Police Department. I knew exactly what it was and I started smiling from ear to ear, if that's even physically possible. Beneath the descriptions of the violation I saw several pictures of me going through another of those damned traffic light cameras, this time on purpose. The close-up picture of the front of the car clearly showed my face behind the steering wheel looking up at the camera with an expression that could only be interpreted as pleading. Beside me, taped to the windshield was a large handwritten sign with two lines of words saying, "BRIAN FORGIVE ME, PLEASE CALL". The photo of the back of the car showed another sign completely covering the rear windshield with three little words "I LOVE YOU!" Each letter O was in the shape of a heart.

My heart smiled.

When I looked up into his eyes again he said, "I got your message but it's going to cost you another $381 dollars for the fine to get me to meet you half-way. Was it worth it?"

With the biggest smile I could muster I said, "Absolutely, every penny of it."