Thoughts on Sibling Relationships

I've been a reader on this site for a while now. I thought there was a way to post real-life experiences, as opposed to fiction; but I couldn't find it.

My sister and I are in our sixties. We've been lovers for 40 years. We've been married most of that time.

Most of what you read on the internet about incest is written from the erotic angle. Don't get me wrong; I respect erotica. But incest erotica -- such as that found on Literotica.com -- doesn't really relate to our relationship. My impression is that, for many people, it is violating taboos that excites them. That wasn't what excited us. We fell in love. We weren't looking for it. It just happened.

One of the best lines I ever read in an incest story -- and I wish I could remember who wrote it, because they deserve great credit for it -- was to the effect of, "It's not our fault that we're brother and sister." That exactly reflects the heart of a real relationship between siblings. Voyeurs and other observers are excited by the crossing of forbidden boundaries; for those of us experiencing it, however, the fact that we're siblings is, in many ways, a problem.

We adopted our children, a girl and a boy. They were natural siblings; their single mother wanted to keep them, and tried to do so; but she couldn't manage it. (In case you're interested, the kids learned her identity and made contact with her; and she is now considered part of our extended family.) Jan (names changed) and I decided early on that we would not risk harm to a child of ours. This was especially hard on Jan, because she wanted children of her own. But neither of us could have lived with ourselves if we had produced a "special needs" child because we were siblings. Once we knew that our relationship was permanent, I decided (with her consent) to get a vasectomy. It was a hell of a lot easier for me to do that than for her to get her tubes tied.

I'm so proud of our kids. Noelle (names changed) is an M.D., while her brother, Nicholas, is an attorney. They are so smart; but, of the two, Noelle is smarter. She is scary smart. She knew she wanted to be a doctor when she was in high school. When she was in college, she figured out her parents' relationship.

I should explain that there were only two people to whom we had ever confided our relationship: our parents. Over the years, there have been a few people who commented on the resemblance between us; and we have always told such people that we are distant relatives -- second cousins. And that's as far as it has ever gone. However, somewhere along the line, Noelle got an inkling of the truth -- she, herself, doesn't remember when or how. Anyhow, it made her curious, and very attentive. Nevertheless, nothing came of her suspicion until she was a junior in college. She was taking a genetics course, and suddenly had the means to investigate any possible connection between Jan and myself.

I marvel at her ingenuity, focus and dedication. As she explained it to me, tests for the sibling relationship weren't all that reliable. She had to approach the problem indirectly, testing each of us against our parents -- and, for that, she needed not only our genetic material, but that of our mother and father -- and, by that time, our father had passed away. To put it simply, she obtained the samples she needed; and she proved -- to a degree of accuracy that would more than satisfy a court of law, I'm told -- that Jan and I were brother and sister.

Jan and Noelle have always been close; so, when Noelle had her proof, she brought it to her mother and asked for an explanation. Neither of us had anticipated such a thing, and Jan was quite unprepared. She fell apart. I wasn't there; but I was told that Noelle embraced her and held her while she wept, telling her she loved her and didn't judge her, but just wanted an explanation. Jan told her everything.

I've said Noelle is smart. She's not simply smart; she's brilliant, and she's wise beyond her years. Once Jan had opened her heart to her, withholding nothing, Noelle took my wife's hands in her own. I can't quote what she said verbatim (I wasn't there), but it was something along these lines:

"Mom, I love you. I will always love you and Dad. And I do not judge you. You are my parents, the only parents I will ever know. I've suspected this for a long time, and now I know. I do not understand your experience, but neither do I need to. I only need to accept it, and I do."

I'm told this was an emotional moment for both parties. I know it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.

Noelle has spoken to both of us since, telling us that our secret was safe, that Nicholas had no clue and that she wouldn't enlighten him, and that no one would hear it from her lips, so long as either of us was alive. She went on to become a board-certified pediatrician, respected by her peers. Jan and I are a little bit in awe of her. She is an amazing person.

Contrary to what others might say, I would not encourage anyone to disclose a relationship like mine and Jan's to anyone they didn't feel they absolutely had to. We felt that we owed it to our parents to tell them the truth; but we also appreciate the situation of those who know that their parents would cut them off forever it they knew. We don't judge anyone; how could we. Love between siblings is so "out there," so off the beaten path. There are no norms established, no rules to follow. From our experience, all the advice we can offer is to be true to your hearts. Your hearts know where they belong; and, if they belong with each other, then be true to your hearts. It's not safe; I'm not saying that it is. You may suffer for it. But, wouldn't you rather suffer for being true to your hearts than be safe and be false to them?

I know that I would sooner die than deny my sister. But that's me. For those of you with greater challenges than ours, I say, "Fight! Be creative! Find a way to make it work! Do what you must to make a life for yourself and the one you love." Even if you fail, you will, at least, have tried; and trying is everything to someone who loves you.