Three Ways Not to Have an Affair

Like millions of couples, my marriage struggles with the issue of sex. As is often the case when one person has a significantly higher sex drive than the other, we have argued more than once about what should be the most pleasurable benefit of marriage. Many others in similar positions explore options such as open relationships or extra-marital affairs. For us though after failed relationships in the past and having been the other person in more than one marriage, we both meant the 'forsaking all others.' That is not to condemn those, who have chosen other paths. It is simply recognition that this article may not be relevant to your situation.

My situation may seem unique: a woman begging and pleading with her husband for more sex. I believe though that as the sexual revolution has freed women to express their needs, many will discover that they have desires stronger and more frequent than their partners. Despite having a long and honest discussion about sexual appetite before we married, I have come to realise that few men can admit that their women have appetites beyond theirs. More culturally norm of course is the man, who remains desirous of sexual fulfilment several times a week or even a day. Overtime, his partner may become less tolerant of what she may have at first found faltering. As I said, I have been the other woman in such a marriage, more than once. It is the experience as the 'other' woman that formed my belief that if someone is getting their needs, physical and emotional, met at home then he or she will not stray.

But what happens if you are in a situation where those needs, either physical, emotional or both are not being met? What if you are still deeply in love with your partner and do not want to engage in extra-marital affairs or open relationships? This article is born out of my personal struggle with just such issues. It is about three key things I have found that have allowed me to remain faithful to my husband and minimised long term damage to the love and commitment we share for one another. I share this in the hope that others will find it useful. It is by no means exhaustive. If you have found other things, which have helped you in similar situations, I would very much appreciate you sending those through email or feedback. Because as I think anyone in this situation will appreciate, this is a continual struggle much the same as alcoholics or drug-addicts in a seven-step programme. I hope to learn as much or more from you than the simple options I offer here.

1) Talk about it. Do not ignore the issue or feel as if you must keep the problem to yourself. In as neutral language as possible, let your lover know that you are having difficulty. Keep the discussion focused on 'I' words; I would like more sex. As opposed to more accusatory, 'You never make love to me anymore.' The other thing to remember is that the issue may not be solved with a single discussion. You may need to with loving persistence bring the subject up over and over again. Perhaps I should have even phrased this as 'talk about it, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, etc.' That is hard, because you do not want to seem as if you are nagging your partner. On the other hand, if you cannot discuss what is bothering you, sexually or not, then your situation is compounded. A couple of things I have found that make it easier to distinguish between nagging/begging and constructive discussion is to bring the subject up not in the heat of passion, but in a calm manner and perhaps even neutral location. It is sometimes easier to open the topic over a nice dinner out, than over coffee the morning after your advances were once again rejected. There should be a clear distinction between talking about it and fighting about it. Not that fighting does not have its place. Sometimes arguing is the only way to communicate how strongly you feel about something; it is also a good excuse to have great make-up sex. Yet, most of the progress towards resolution to your unique situation is likely to come not from heated arguments, but from thoughtful, considerate communication with your lover. No matter what, never stop talking. I have actually warned my husband, 'the day I quit talking about this is the day you need to really worry.'

2) Remember the good stuff. For all of us, there are unique qualities of our partners that first attracted us to them or things we have discovered along our shared path in life that make us love and respect that person. Unfortunately during difficult times, we tend to focus not on those positives, but the negatives. If we make a conscious decision to remember those positives, our struggles take a new and bigger perspective. For me, I have found numerous reasons that I want to remain faithful to my husband. Chief among those reasons is that I still find him terribly sexy. I tell him it is his fault that he has ruined me for other men. I can honestly say if I were to look for another partner, he would just about need to be hubby's identical twin. Of course, there are other reasons as well; some silly, such as my telling him that I could not divorce him because I might lose his mother. Others though are deeply moving. For me after an acrimonious divorce that has harmed my older children and an almost idyllic separation from my former partner that even then has been difficult for our son, our daughter is a large portion of this equation. It is not simply that we share a child though. It is the type of father that my husband is which seals this deal. For instance, my husband, who is a slightly shorter version of Michael Clarke Duncan from the Green Mile, came home last night from work and despite being exhausted lovingly allowed our three year-old daughter to adorn his gargantuan form with her bracelets, necklaces and even her Disney Little Princesses flashing crown. It is a moment I shall remember for all time. Tell me, what other man could ever compete with that?

3) Find other outlets. It may seem trite to suggest, but finding other things to distract you can in the short term at least help to temper the situation. It may seem ironic, but I returned to an earlier love of writing erotica. I found that I could take these pictures, fantasies and thoughts and by transferring them into words and stories on a screen I could relieve the sexual tensions. I could escape my reality and for a brief time become someone else. I could live out my fantasies yet remain chaste and faithful to the man I love. This obviously is not a solution for everyone. There are other options; a hobby, the gym, or friends. A profitable although potentially consuming and ultimately counter-productive option is to throw yourself into your work. Recognise though that these outlets whatever they may be are not a solution in themselves. They are merely an option in context of the other two; an opportunity to distract ourselves from the situation.

The obvious question of course is: what makes you the expert? The honest answer is that I am not. I am simply a human being, who like you may be struggling with this issue. I actually debated whether or not I had any right to write this article; given that there are days and sometimes even weeks when I wonder whether or not I will be successful in this endeavour long term. In the end, it came down to the simple fact that whether or not I successfully apply these three principles over the next twenty or more years, I still believe in them. As I said though, I do not hold myself up as an expert and definitely welcome suggestions and dialogue with others, who share this struggle.