Three's a Circle, Not a Triangle Ch. 12

Seemingly a success, she was a tragedy. Seemingly loving sex and all things sexual, she hated sex and all things sexual. If only he knew how she felt inside was the same way that Zsa Zsa Gabor, Debbie Reynolds, and Elizabeth Taylor and so many other so called sex symbols felt inside too, he'd wonder about all of Hollywood's glamorous women. With nothing real and tangible when making a movie, filled with lights, action, cameras, and glitter, tinsel town was just as make believe as was Disney World. The only thing that was real happened after the lights and the cameras were turned off and when everyone returned home to their little lives.

Even the paid actors, especially the paid actors weren't real. Just acting, they just played a part. No more and no less, they were who their fans imagined them to be. Just as their fans thought they knew them from their movie roles, they didn't know them at all. Just as her fans thought they knew her from her porn movie roles, they were clueless to who she was and William, one of her biggest fans, didn't know who Susan was either.

Even though it was speculated otherwise, that President Kennedy had her killed, if William took the time to learn more about survivors of sexual abuse, maybe then he'd understand why someone as beautiful as Marilyn Monroe committed suicide and why Susan Jill Parker made porn movies. Instead, rather than taking the time to unravel the mystery of her, he was more interested in her panties, her bras, and her high heeled shoes. Other than her being his sexy sex symbol, he more concentrated on his sexual fetishes than on her as a person.

Someone so beautiful on the surface shouldn't feel so ugly inside but unbeknownst to him, she did. Especially in the beginning when she was just starting her pornographic career, having to make love to producers on their casting couches, to directors in their homes, and to actors in their trailers to get the roles she got was painfully humiliating. If she turned them down for sex, with so many woman hoping for the same opportunity of playing a part in a porn movie and readily agreeing to give sex to anyone who demanded it, they'd give the role to someone else. Feeling sexually abused all over again, having forced and coerced sex when not on camera was even more humiliatingly disturbing than being paid to strip naked and have sex in a porn film. When making a movie, she was just acting or so she convinced herself for the sake of earning a living. Once the cameras weren't rolling, going from make believe to reality, situations became real and too real to endure. It was much easier for her to remove her clothes when she controlled the action as she did now stripping for William.

Moreover, one would think that someone who felt the way she did about intimacy and sex would never become a stripper, a prostitute, or a porn star. One would think that someone who couldn't feel love would never make love. Yet routinely, as if sexually abused women were bitten by vampires, drawn to sex and sexual situations that compelled them to forever relive the horror of being sexually abused by men, women who had similar sexual experiences all fell into that same dark abyss. In the way that her porn movies filled the minds of men with their dirty dreams and sexual fantasies, she belonged to all men but never to just one.

To be continued...