Thumb's Down

byABSTRUSE©

Bitchy arrived back in the office, her fist tightly clenched around the amulet given to her by the Oracle. It was very tempting but she had a job to do, a very well paying job.

"Afternoon Cowgirl, anyone call back yet?" asked Bitchy as she watched Cowgirl organizing her M&M's according to color.

"Um, Yea." Cowgirl glanced at a few papers. "Elizabeth and Bashful can't make it. They are going to be at the Hoover Dam freebasing."

"What? That's a national park, they can't do drugs there," yelped Bitchy.

"Well you have to be on something to wanna jump off of that dam," exclaimed Cowgirl.

"You doorknob, you mean base jumping. They are going to jump and parachute off the dam," groaned Bitchy. "What about Aurora Black, did you call her?"

"Yea but I couldn't understand anything anyone was sayin... it was all Greek to me."

"That's because she lives in Greece." Bitchy shoved the amulet in her pocket to resist temptation.

"Ohhhh. I guess that explains it then. Everyone else will be here on Friday." She then checked her panties. "Which is in two days."

"I'm going to be in my office writing my will if anyone is looking for me. Ignore any screams you may hear."

"Okie Dokie Boss," said Cowgirl as she went back to her M&M sorting.

One Week Later.

Plans were in motion and the expedition was getting under way. Vella Hag de Mer had deposited more than enough money in an account for Bitchy. She almost felt guilty about the ludicrous amount she spent on giving her vintage Caddy a whole new make over but then she thought about all that pink in Vella's mansion and she knew it was more than fair payment.

Dkat and BG2 helped with the final preparations seeing that it was too difficult for Cowgirl. They made sure all the paperwork was in order and all the passports were taken care of and updated.

Bitchy was going over the flight plan with the pilot. Eric Shawn Listo was a seasoned pilot and capable of flying in any kind of weather. Their first visit would be in the Mediterranean, to a small but popular brothel owned by Madame Crimson Maiden. It was the first smiley face on the map.

The pilot was waiting on the tarmac for clearance when a call came through the radio. They were to wait for two more passengers.

"BG2, I thought everyone was accounted for?" huffed Bitchy.

The sultry wench grinned. "They are. I did my own head count,"

The door to the plane was opened and in slid Vella and Miss Honey. "Sorry we're late," wheezed Vella, "but you know how traffic is and I won't park my Pinto just anywhere."

"What the hell are you doing here?" barked Bitchy. "You weren't on the list. I'm not sure if there will even be enough box lunches for you and Miss Honey."

"Calm down Bitch. I decided at the last minute that I have to be on this trip. I want to be there when you find him. Besides, I brought enough pizza for everyone, Chicago style." Miss Honey held up several pizza boxes to show Bitchy.

"Well I can't say no to Chicago style, but you keep in mind Ms. Hag de Mer that this is my expedition. I'm in charge and you are to take orders just like everyone else. I won't have some pampered rich bitch throwing a monkey wrench in the works." Bitchy glared at her.

"You won't even know we are here," said Vella. "Miss Honey, hand out the complimentary gift bags I made up. A small token of appreciation from Vagistick Industries. You'll find chap stick and moisturizers as well as other assorted goodies."

She turned to Bitchy with a larger bag. "I packed this one for you. It has extra moisturizer for older women. I noticed that your crow's feet could be wearing hip boots."

"Take your seat please," Bitchy said through gritted teeth. "The one near the bathroom is yours. I know how weak bladders and incontinence can be distressing."

Bitchy walked over to the PA system to make some announcements. "May I have everyone's attention? We are about to embark on a perilous journey; there will be danger at every turn. I have faith in all of you that you will use your intuition as well as caution. We've all been together before on expeditions and Atlantic City Casino runs so we know each other quite well - our strengths and our weakness, our loves and hates, our willingness to go on in the face of danger.

"Rest assured the spirit of our fallen comrade, the Cloud Warrior, will be with us, clinging to us like a rayon skirt in the winter after it's been rubbing against cheap nylons, creating static electricity and no one has a fabric softener sheet.

"We will be landing in the Mediterranean in about 10 hours so rest now and enjoy our in-flight movies. Today's movies are "Airport", "Titanic", "Jurassic Park" and "Ishtar". So sit back, relax and have some pizza."

Bitchy then signed off and took her seat, waiting for the plane to take off. Her palms were sweaty and she had a lump in her throat. She closed her eyes and tried to think calming thoughts. The plane lurched ahead and was soon in the air. There was no turning back now.

Halfway through the flight and near the end of "Titanic", Bitchy decided it was time to talk to Vella. She needed to ask her about her son, the Thumb. She found the eccentric heiress lying on the floor amidst a small group of people. It took only a few minutes to realize they weren't playing charades but that Vella was addicted to the smell of the Febreeze that was sprayed on the carpets.

"Ms. Hag de Mer, if you can tear yourself away from the floor, I would like a word with you," Said Bitchy as she poked her boot against the human speed bump.

Vella peeled herself off the floor like a Velcro strip and took the seat next to Bitchy in the rear of the plane.

"I must have dozed off for a minute." Vella blushed as she adjusted her positively pink pedal pushers patterned in a plethora of perturbing pansies, which accented her polyester blend tube top patterned in polka dots of hot pink and purple. "What do you want to talk about?"

Bitchy put on her sunglasses and turned to Vella. "I've met with Matriarch the Oracle. It's my habit of doing so whenever I venture on a venture. I'm curious as to something she mentioned."

"It was just that one night I swear," stuttered Vella. "And the chickens would never miss those eggs. Besides, who else has never put underwear on a goat as part of a childish dare?"

Bitchy reached into her inside jacket pocket and took a long drink from her flask of whiskey. "Not that and please don't tell me anymore. She said it seemed like he was on a journey in search of something or someone. Do you have any idea what she may have meant by that remark?"

"May I?" asked Vella pointing to Bitchy's flask. Bitchy handed her the flask and Vella took a good long swig. Bitchy checked to see if she had a hollow leg.

Wiping her mouth with the back of her hand, Vella let out a sigh. "I knew this day would come eventually. Can I be frank?"

"Okay Frank, what did you mean by that?" quizzed Bitchy.

"Salvor was always a good boy, a thumb any mother would be proud to call her son. He wasn't a troublemaker, he never raised his voice to me and he always kept his cuticles cut. I raised him alone for all those years. His father was just a one night stand, a shot in the dark, a roll in the hay, a drunken night on the wrong side of town when the ships come in and its shore leave and you are just another porthole."

"You mean he was a sailor?" asked Bitchy.

"No. A handyman," snuffled Vella as she wiped her nose on Bitchy's sleeve. "We were both very young and inexperienced. His father was all thumbs."

"That explains a lot," said Bitchy. "So you never told him the truth about his father I assume?"

Vella rose from her seat and paced the floor a few times, wringing her hands and chewing on her bottom lip. She was big on being as dramatic as possible. "I told him that his father was a world traveler and was on a pilgrimage to Mt. Spa Gay Tee to pay homage to the fromage of his ancestors, the Goudas. I never thought he would try to find him, I always said that one day his father would come back to us."

"What happened to his real father? Does he even know he has a son?" asked Bitchy.

"No. He never knew about his little deposit of love. He died in a freak accident before I could tell him."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Was it an industrial accident?"

"No zoological. He worked at a zoo and was torn apart by an alpha male baboon that caught him flirting with his mate," chuckled Vella. "I'm sorry but it's still quite funny."

Vella sat down beside Bitchy and grasped her arm. "I'm a good mother Bitchy. I did everything with my son that a father would have done. I took him to cub scouts, I taught him fishing and hunting. I was the one that taught him how to drive and pick up hot girls and I was the one that taught him how to write his name in the snow. I tried to make his life as normal as possible."

"Yes I am sure that if I were a fatherless digit I would hope that my mother would have done the same for me," said Bitchy. "You've put me in a precarious position right now."

"I understand. Trekking across the globe to find a young man off on a futile search for a non-existent father is quite unfair to ask of anyone."

"No, I meant you're just a little too close to me and I'm frightened. You're insane!" yelped Bitchy. "I mean you really are nuts. Are you on any kind of psychotropic medication?"

"Does it really matter? I'm filthy rich so I can be as nuts as I want to be and no one can tell me any different," barked Vella. "It's the privilege of being rich. Having hallucinations is just an added bonus. That's what the voices tell me."

Bitchy got up from her seat and squeezed past Vella. "I want to thank you for our little chat Ms. Hag de Mer. I have to go get really drunk now, if you'll excuse me."

Bitchy made her way back to her seat and reached into the overhead compartment to retrieve the extra flask she kept in a spare portable bar bag. She quickly opened it and drank half before she sat down. A chill ran up her spine as she thought about her conversation with Vella. She silently prayed for death.

Bitchy woke a few hours later when Cowgirl became entangled in her oxygen mask and was flailing about helplessly. Bitchy set her free and wandered into the cockpit to see how long it would be until they landed.

She returned to her seat and told Cowgirl it would be about another hour or less before they would land.

"I'm on pins an needles," yelped Cowgirl.

"You're that excited about going to Greece?" asked Bitchy.

"No. I sat on my sewing kit an my butt hurts," whined Cowgirl.

"Remind me to make an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian for you when we get back home."

"He ain't one of those doctors that looks up your hoohoo is he? I swear every man I meet is one, I've had more men look up there then people is lookin at the Mona Lisa..." "Please shut up now."

"I was just sayin..."

"I know."

"You brought it up."

"I will kill you if I have to."

"I annoy you don't I?"

"Does the mosquito annoy the elephant? Does the ice annoy the penguin? Does the rising sun annoy the dawn?"

"Uh...I don't know?"

"You bug the shit out of me. Now shut up so I can get a few minutes of sleep before we land."

Less than 45 minutes later the plane skidded onto the runway being that the pilot forgot to put the landing gear down. Everyone emerged from beneath the jumble of luggage and equipment unscathed.

They were in the Greek isles at last. Today they would get their lodging and enjoy the seaside restaurants. Tomorrow they would visit the Crimson Maiden and begin the first leg of their search for the missing thumb.

To be continued.

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