Tic Toc!

April fools' pranks is not really a tradition between my wife, Martha, and me. We did pull a few jokes over our 22 years together, but nothing on a large scale. When our son Jeff left the house to attend college, the childish pranks mostly stopped. It's not that Martha and I are devoid of humor, but without the kid around we don't have to entertain anybody but ourselves.

But this year will be a bit different. One Saturday morning, while working in the garage, I moved an old alarm clock and remembered a prank I played to a roommate while attending university. And my absence on April 1st this year was perfect to replicate that prank. I had to meet an important client that Monday afternoon in the Canadian Mid-West. I had decided to travel Sunday March 31st, drive to the small industrial town where my client has his business and sleep there. That way, I would have no worries about a late March snow storm or any other kind of airline delay. And I am confident that I never told that prank to Martha, so it would be a real surprise.

While Martha was away Sunday, I set-up everything I needed to do, so my prank would be working in my absence. I am sure Martha knew something was amiss when I left for the airport around 3 PM. I had a hard time to hide my glee knowing what was in store for her for April Fool's Day.

Despite a 20 minutes delay, the trip went without a glitch. Four hours later, I was in my hotel room.

I didn't have to get up early the next day, so I was still up near midnight. At the stroke of midnight, I was able to visualize what was happening at home. At midnight plus one minute, a mechanical alarm clock would ring, waking up Martha for April fool's. I can see her slapping the alarm clock silent and turning back to try to go to sleep. She would be too groggy to wonder why a seldom used clock would be ringing in the middle of the night.

Then, at 12:15 AM, the radio alarm clock on the bedside would start ringing at full blast as I had the volume up to Max this afternoon. I am pretty sure Martha was just falling back to sleep.

At 12:30 AM, Jeff's old alarm clock, hidden in my socks' drawer, would start ringing loudly. I doubt by then that Martha was back asleep. Knowing me, she would have expected that one and now was probably trying to figure out what was to happen next as these were the only alarm clocks in the whole house.

At 12:45 AM came the grand finale. From my hotel room, I had already taken remote control of our desktop computer. It needs a little explanation here. For years, the desktop computer was in our den. But Martha decided some years back to convert the den into a craft room when she took a painting course. We don't use much the desktop anymore, maybe at tax time when we work on our tax filling, as our tablets and phones are our main Web surfing tools. Consequently, we did put a minuscule desk with the computer on it in the master bedroom, just next to her vanity.

At 12:45 AM, I had our cameras recording (on both the desktop and my laptop) and when I send a cam-to-cam chat request, the new ringtone would sound loudly in the bedroom. As soon as Martha would touch the mouse, the blank screen would disappear and would reveal my smiling face and, to be honest here, my hard-on that I was stroking for our benefit.

The first thing that happened was the sound that came back live. I heard cursing worthy of a sailor. Then the image came online. A very irate face appeared on the screen.

"What the fuck is wrong with your pussy-whipped asshole?" said Martha's boss, Brad Cummings, while he was looking down to his right, probably to the mouse. Then he turned toward the bed behind him.

"Each time I am about to come something happens. We should have taken a fucking motel room as usual..." he started to say while turning back toward the screen before he realized that a strange guy with a limp dick in his hand was looking back straight at him. "What the fuck!"

By reflex, he jumped back, revealing his nakedness.

Behind him I could see a similarly naked Martha in bed looking back at me with a stricken look.

"April fool's, you bitch!" I yelled at the screen. "Be gone by the time I get back home. You will be served as soon as possible. As for you Cummings, I will wait a couple of days before I contact your wife and your boss, her father, to show them this little recording. It wouldn't do to have them believe it's an April Fool's hoax. Have a shitty life!"

I remotely logged out of the desktop, saved the recording file on my laptop and started to plan my divorce. Now I am not sure who was the most surprised, the cheaters or me. I guess the joke is on all of us, but I am sure to be the last to laugh when the dust settles. In Canada, this is a no-fault jurisdiction in case of divorce proceedings. The recording is worth nothing in family court, but I would sure make use of it with friends, family, and coworkers. The public opinion court will be on my side, of that I will make sure.

I had a few nice surprises when I came home two days later. First, Martha was gone. Second, the house was trashed. Nice surprise, you wonder? Well it was my ticket to send Cummings to jail for a while. The first thing he did was to kick the desktop computer with his bare foot. It fell to the carpeted floor in the bedroom, a still very active computer recording everything that he did in the next few hours. The screen fell at an angle, turned toward the rest of the house and we could catch glimpses of the havoc wrecked by Cummings.

Later, after having spent himself on my house (half of it belonging to Martha), the computer was still recording and we could hear Cummings and Martha plotting to lie their way out of trouble. Yes, the public opinion court will be on my side.