Tiffany's Epiphany

Just when my day couldn't possibly get any worse, it happened. Just when my life had hit rock bottom in every conceivable way and all hope was finally lost, that's when I felt the click - that's when I felt my luck begin to change.

Standing by the side of the highway, thumb stuck out vainly into the traffic, watching car after car, truck after truck pass on by. A terrible trip was reaching a disastrous end. It had rained on me from the start - literally and metaphorically. The weather had been awful; the hotel had been a dive... We'd been lied to, ripped off and conned by our tour guide, who then proceeded to abandon us in the middle of nowhere, stealing all our stuff in the process... We'd walked for hours in the beating sun, then got drenched again by tropical storms...with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few small coins in our pockets.

And then we went and started fighting. As we began to reach the outskirts of the city, the stress finally got the better of us. We fell out over something petty, as we always did. Dan wanted to find a hotel. I said we didn't have any money to pay for it. He said we'd have to call home and have some funds wired over. I didn't like the idea. I never like Dan's ideas...probably just because they weren't my ideas.

I had to get the hell away from Dan. It wasn't healthy for me hanging around him all the time. I knew he was right - he's usually right - but there was something else going on that I'd been starting to realise recently. I was stuck in his shadow. All the time I hung around with him, travelled with him, went along with his decisions...I couldn't be me.

I knew I had issues. I vowed to work on that stubborn, obstinate side of me but I couldn't do that with Dan around, for some reason. We'd been mates since high school, and I'm sure we'll be mates again in the future, but for now...right now I'm going to break these chains and move on with my life.

I don't know where I'm going to go or how I'm going to get out of this mess - stuck in a far off country, in a dirt poor continent, with no possessions, no real money...what the hell was I thinking, walking off on my own like this? But it feels so right. This moment isn't scary at all - it's liberating... it's exciting... it's inspiring.

I see it now, so clearly. This is the moment my whole life has been waiting for. My dull, meaningless existence suddenly evaporates like steam all around me. I feel brand new - born again with refreshed vim and vigour...renewed vitality. The road ahead looks wildly uncertain but suddenly that's exactly what seems madly appealing. With a flash of realisation I can see what everyone's been trying to tell me all these years, about risk and fear and looking your demons in the eye.

Ah, how pig-headed I've been all this time. I realise how so often I've been my own worst enemy. People have been giving me advice and I've always shunned them. Friends have wanted the best for me and I've always turned my back on them.

But it's starting not to matter anymore. I'm having an awakening. Something has died inside of me and something else - another me - is being reborn in its place. In this rush of excitement I feel no guilt, no remorse...only sympathy. Sympathy for that fragile fighter who battled everyone around him... Sympathy for my bruised ego that lashed out at the world and only ever succeeding in hurting itself... Sympathy for all those years of struggle - trying to control every aspect of my life, trying to force things the way I wanted them... Constantly struggling, constantly resisting... Continuously getting weaker and weaker every year...

...Until now.

Now I am reborn. I see the error of my ways. I see the futility of it all, loud and clear. Except it's not loud. It's abundantly clear, yes; I have never seen my reflection with such lucidity before. But it's not loud. This is a quiet, peaceful realisation. There's a certain softness, a certain understated calmness about me. I know very well what I must do now. I see it very clearly...and the one thing it's not, is loud.

This is about quiet. This is about silence. This is about humility. Whatever happens, I'm just going to go along with it. Whatever anyone says, I'm just going to take it on the chin...quietly.

No more forcing. No more resisting. No more struggling to control... This is about yielding. This is about allowing. This is about surrender.

-

I walk slowly now, in harmony with the world... in harmony with time.

A decision seems to have made itself in my cloudless mind and I'm headed for the airport. I don't know why and I don't know how, but my mind is clear about it - it feels right - and I'm going along with that feeling.

I'm going with the flow and for the first time in my life I realise the profundity of that simplicity.

I'm saying Yes to everything and I feel with every fibre of my body how the Universe is saying Yes, that it wholeheartedly agrees with me.

And there is no 'me' anymore. There is only this. This moment. This Universe. This flow...and what 'It' wants my body to do.

So I put out my thumb into the traffic. Cars and trucks roll on by, uncaringly. Noise and dust and choking fumes engulf me as I trudge on regardless. It matters not how I get there, and since I don't know where I'm going anyway, nothing at all is of any consequence anymore. This flow is all there is.

A car horn sounds behind me and I turn to take a look. A lady in her fifties has pulled over and eyes me suspiciously as I walk over. And then suddenly she thinks better of it and drives away, muttering at my dishevelled appearance.

I think nothing of it. Literally, it is of no importance to me - only this flow matters - and I head on with a newfound spring in my stride. This way is so enticing, absorbing, enthralling... This energy is so light, so carefree, with so much...abandon. And that abandon has found its way into my body now. With a light airiness, my hips sway of their own accord, bringing happiness up from the deep.

A puddle splashes water all over me as a bus thunders past and all I can do is shriek with glee at the irony...the absurdity of it all. Turning away from the road for a second and I've missed a bus going my way...and it doesn't matter to me in the slightest - not one iota - because I'm here and I'm now and this is the most ALIVE I've ever felt in my life. Whatever happens... Whatever life does to me, or wants to do to me... Whatever life suggests... I'm going to welcome it. I'm going to embrace it. The woman, the bus, the puddle... life can't get any better than this.

I'm striding now, with confident abandon. Something has clicked inside of me. Something has been released... Something I've always had - this feels so much like the real me - but has been afraid to come out all these years.

A car pulls over in front of me now - big, black, shiny and expensive, avoiding the puddles and waiting for me to come over. The windows are all tinted so I can't see anything and there's a hanging pause as I peer in, waiting for a response. The rear window whirs down and a pair of shining eyes greets me. A man, older than me but the right side of middle age, smiles gently with a steady gaze. For a few seconds nothing is said - nothing needs to be said...there's a kind of recognition there.

What the hell, I'm game!

"Hello" I call, cheerfully, my eyes open wide and bright, inviting...

"Hi" he nods, never breaking eye contact. "You look like you could use a ride"

An American accent, or Canadian - I'm never quite sure which - and a warm friendly face so far from home.

"Yes, please. Do you mind?" This man is my saviour - clearly sent into my flow for a purpose, I can feel it very strongly and it seems he senses something too.

"Not at all. Hop in." It happens so naturally, so effortlessly... almost as if this has all been rehearsed, or it's all happened before somehow. Like déjà vu, there's an eerie feeling of destiny about this moment. Everything happens without thought and without hesitation. Without a trace of fear, I am entirely open to anything and everything that this situation can bring me. I have such a profound trust and certainty that this is precisely where I need to be, simply because it was brought by the flow.

"It's okay, James. There's no need" he calls across to the driver who was about to come round and open the door for me. And still looking at me, he opens the door himself and I step in.

"No bags?"

"No... It's a long story" I reply with a wry smile.

"Oh, okay, sure." He doesn't pry but makes for easy conversation, "On your way to the airport, right?"

"Yeah, I guess so. I don't really mind actually."

"So I see," he says knowingly, without a trace of sarcasm or emotion. "It's nice"

"Yeah!" I beam back at him. Again, nothing needs to be said and looking up at this man, neat but casually dressed, I feel nothing but a sense of understanding in his eyes. He's so light. He doesn't care either! I can feel it in his energy, right away. He's open. He's willing. He's in the same flow...

-

The car moves smoothly onto the road and I relax into the seat beside him, suddenly realising how immaculate the car is and how dirty and wet I am.

"I'm so sorry about my..." but he just grins, silently with humour, shrugging his shoulders without a care in the world.

"Don't think about it. It means nothing... right?"

"Yeah" I nod slowly up into his eyes. How can this be happening? There's such a warm, safe feeling here in this car. Not just here, but ever since I left Dan a few hours ago, I've been riding on air. Untouchable, that's how I feel... like the more I let everything just be as it wants to be, the more all my wants and needs will be taken care of, as if by magic. And this magic is just getting stronger and stronger - more and more palpable - and this guy seems to be on it too.

He looks at me keenly but unobtrusively. I never feel shy to keep eye contact, nor afraid to break it.

"Can I ask you?" he starts, "Do you trust me?" He doesn't even blink as he holds me in his eyes. "And I don't mean that I'm asking you to trust me, or that you should for some reason. I just mean, do you, inside yourself, right now... feel any kind of trusting, relaxed feeling about this moment, here...with me?"

"I do. Absolutely, I do." I feel my breath, so calm. "It's strange."

"Yes, it's a strange feeling, isn't it?" he has such a warm, gentle smile as he says that. "It's because ... well, let me see if I can guess something about you - okay?"

"Yeah! Go ahead"

"You have the feeling that you know me, somehow, even though we've never met before"

He's right. As soon as the window opened and our eyes met, there's been this weird feeling that I know him in some way...like we have some kind of unspoken understanding.

"It's because we are connected. Can you feel it?"

"Yes"

"We have something in common that is very rare, you know?"

I nod, suddenly knowing what he means exactly as he begins to say it.

"I think you know what I mean. Because I think you feel it right now."

And as he looks at me, I know exactly what he's going to say next ...because the word forms itself on my own lips in the same instant. Without breaking gaze, as if he's saying it himself through my own mouth, we both say "Flow"

The word hangs there for an eternity as we comprehend this, eyes locked in a deep knowing and without another word being said, at exactly the same time, we both lift a hand and place the palms together, ever so slowly... I'm not even sure whether they're touching or not but I can feel his energy and mine flowing in between.

"Good," he nods and for the first time since I got in the car he turns away just for a second as a thought occurs. Leaning for the intercom button he instructs the driver, "James, please could you tell Tamara to prepare some clothes and that we may be having another guest accompanying us."

"Understood, sir" comes the reply from the front and he returns to studying me coolly.

"My name's Adomas Petraitis. Friends call me Adam..."

There's a pause as I wonder what he's saying

"That includes you!" he adds with a little wink, squeezing my knee playfully

I giggle slightly at his bashful reserve, "Okay Adam, thank you." I feel so at ease in this man's presence. I feel I want him to know everything about me, and so slowly I begin to tell my story... my name, how I came to be there at that moment... a quick summary of my fairly uninteresting life so far.

"There's not really much more to tell," I conclude "Nothing notable anyway"

"Oh I wouldn't say that" he comments "It's not about where you've been in life. It's about where you're at, now - right?"

I nod, knowing where this is going.

"And where are you at?" he reminds me with a soft smile

"Here" I reply. "Now"

"Good" he says, taking my hand in his. "I have a private jet waiting to take us to Oslo tonight and since you don't have anything else in your life, and no reason not to join me... would it be okay if I confirm to my driver that you will be joining us?"

Without a moment's hesitation my lips form themselves into my new favourite word...

"Yes!"

And with a slight squeeze he puts my hand back into my lap where I can already feel myself stirring.

-

He tells me briefly about himself and his life. The son of a billionaire industrialist but disillusioned with the meaningless never-ending quest for wealth, power and status, Adam roams the world exploring and practising the philosophy of Tantra - Taoist Tantra to be precise.

"It's a way of life that I stumbled upon - as you have - when I was in my twenties. I found flow. I found myself... and everything around me suddenly had meaning and significance."

Listening to him speaking - the calming enthusiasm, the lightness and the depth, the humble certainty - I find myself filled with a kind of joy, wonder and reverence...and I know it's coming from him, us ...and our flow.

"I think I already know the answer...but...would you like to learn?"

Again I find myself giggling, playfully

"You do know the answer, Mr Petraitis..." I tease him

"Adam, please"

"I know! Adam! I know you know the answer. And you know that I know that you know... Of course I'd love for you to teach me."

Our eyes meet with an unspoken accord, so I go on...

"I'm very new to this, as you know, so I hope you're going to be gentle with me."

I winked at him. And it felt sooo good. I can't believe I just winked at him!

"Today I learned for the first time what flow is. Today I learned to allow life to take me...and do whatever it wants with me. Today I learned for the first time what that feels like...and I like it. I mean, I love it. It feels divine. I feel divine... And just as I abandoned myself to fate...then YOU showed up"

"...and swept you off your feet?" he finishes my sentence

"Yes, kind of" I confess, half embarrassed, half impressed and wholly flowing with wherever this is going.

"You're flowing with it very well," He reassures me. "You know that you just have to allow yourself to be swept away because you know - because you feel it - that at the deepest level this is where you want to be going - right?"

"I know" nodding, "I feel it"

"Do you feel flustered at all?"

"A bit, yes. The excitement is..."

"A bit of a sick feeling?"

"Yes" I nod

"Down here?" he takes my hand in his and gently places it on my belly - exactly where I'm feeling ten thousand butterflies fluttering around. And then he squeezes my hand and the butterflies squeeze and stretch inside me.

"Breathe, it's okay," his words are so grounding. "Breathe from where that feeling is. Go into that feeling and focus on it"

I do as he says. Closing my eyes I feel myself take a deep breath in and out and the feeling seems to subside slightly. There is a sinking feeling as my energy calms just a little - just enough for me to realise one thing; I have a raging hard on, the like of which I've never known before.

This is crazy. It's amazing. I feel wonderful beyond belief and so comfortable with this gorgeous man.

We have such an honest, unabashed understanding. There isn't any need for small talk... A silence so comfortable that every moment speaks to my heart...whispering.

And as we pull into the airport through a side entrance and the car sweeps in, waved through by security without us even stopping... As we cruise across smooth, black asphalt onto the runway to where a jet is hurriedly being prepared... As we pull up and the driver gets out to open both our doors, I feel so totally ready for this... I put my hand on Adam's shoulder and whisper softly in his ear

"Thank you. I'm in your flow".

-

Waiting beneath the steps of the aircraft, whilst several guys busy themselves with flight preparations and loading baggage, there's a smartly dressed cabin stewardess who smiles broadly as we approach.

"This is the lovely Tamara," Adam preps me "If you run along with her, she'll get you all freshened up and kitted out with what you need - okay?"

Tamara looks excited to meet me and her enthusiasm is infectious. "Hi, great to meet you!" I know immediately that I'm going to like her.

"Tamara, baby" Adam turns to her "Can you get him fixed up and make sure he has some appropriate clothing and everything... you know?"

"Yes, sure, of course Adam. Will you be dining together tonight?"

"Yes, later on. I thought it would be nice if we all ate together - the three of us - how does that sound?"

The two of us grin at the thought as Adam leans in to me, running a hand down my arm fondly. "Are you ready?"

His hand settles on my hip and sends shivers down my spine. I've never been more ready for anything in my life. He pinches me affectionately and with a little pat on my bottom he says, suggestively, "Give yourself over to the flow, hmmm?"

My eyes widen and I bite my bottom lip as all sorts of thoughts rush through my head and Tamara, knowingly, just beams into me with such joyous radiance and giggles, "Come with me, you!"

Up into the aircraft and we head through a couple of large lounge rooms, beautifully decorated in a plush yet minimalist style. There's a bar area and a service area where, judging from the smell, some amazing food is being kept warm. There's so much space everywhere...the feeling is so relaxed.

"Nice, huh?" Tamara grins at my stunned surprise "I bet you never thought you'd be doing this tonight!"

"Hahaha" is all I can reply - speechless with shock...

"Hey, you know what to do, right?" she looks at me, lovingly "You know how to handle those nerves." Putting her hand on her lower belly, closing her eyes for a moment, I see her visibly relax. She holds her hand there, breathing, and I know to do the same. We share a timeless moment and when I open my eyes she's looking straight into me, exactly as he did - with exactly the same intensity.

"Adam is a really nice guy, you know? There aren't many guys like him. He'll take good care of you. He takes care of me. You can trust him."

Her eyes are so sincere, so warm, like she knows exactly what I'm feeling... Like she's been there... I immediately relax and feel a warm glow rising up my spine - a total, absolute trust in her, in Adam, in all of this. It's real. It's happening. I'm surrendering to all of it as it comes. I'm not sure if it's the excitement that's making me nervous, or the nerves that are making me excited but I've never felt so ALIVE as I do right now and there's no other choice but to keep going.

We go through a door into what is clearly a private section of the plane. "This is Adam's quarters. He'll be accommodating you in here tonight so make yourself at home."

She shows me the master bedroom, as big as a decent hotel suite with a full size bathroom, study area and even a 'stillness room'.