Till the End of Time

2 May, 1975

"Grace, where am I and what happened?" she feebly uttered as she tried to focus on the woman who softly held her hand.

Her neighbor Grace Swanson squeezed her hand as she sought to reply, "Maddie, when the Navy Chaplain and the other officer informed you of Alex's death you fainted. They tried to get you conscious but you didn't respond so they called the ambulance. You're in the hospital for 24 hours for observation."

Maddie's stomach suddenly knotted up and the horrible anguish again flooded over her like a great crushing wave as she remembered the past several days. . .

29 April, 1975

Maddie sat in the living room watching the horrible scenes the evening news was displaying on TV. President Ford had ordered the evacuation of Saigon earlier in the day and the news was showing the constant flow of helo's as they loaded up service and civilian personal and flew them out to waiting aircraft carriers, re-fueled, and rushed back to load up again.

Suddenly her eyes were riveted to the most horrific sight it was possible to view. One helo paused in flight, plummeted to the ground, and burst into flames.

The sight of that crash pushed her to the edge of panic. Her husband Alex was in Saigon and she could only worry and pray that he was safe on board one of the carriers by now.

For the next couple of days the horrible memory of that newscast and the worry over Alex kept her distracted to the point of being almost vegetive. . .

2 May, 1975

She suddenly caught sight of something out of the corner of her eye and she shifted her eyes to the curb where a black car with U. S. Navy in white letters on the front door had just pulled up and stopped.

When two officers in dress blue uniforms emerged from the back seat she knew that she was about to receive the worst news of her life.

Almost frozen with dread and fear she opened the door to admit them. They entered at her invitation, removed their hats, and introduced themselves to her.

The officer who had introduced himself as a Navy Chaplain began to intone those terrible words that have brought only despair to the recipients, "The President of the United States regrets to inform you . . ." Her world collapsed as she crumpled to the floor and the last waking thought that flashed through her mind was the knowledge that she had watched her dear Alex die in that fiery helo accident. . .

Maddie was brought back to the present by the feel of the ward nurse holding her wrist as she took Maddie's pulse.

"Glad your awake ma'am. Your pulse is normal. Can I get you something to drink? I'll let your doctor know your back with us." All of this being said as she turned and headed out the door at a pace that was astonishing for one of her diminutive size

The foregoing brought a smile to Grace's lips as she echoed the nurse's comment about getting Maddie something to drink which she gratefully accepted.

When the family doctor entered the room 15 minutes later, Grace rose and started to take her departure. At the door she turned to Maddie and asked, "Is there anything you need from the house? Helen (Maddie's other neighbor) will bring it to you this evening."

Grace noted her request for clean clothing and underwear, and her makeup kit and retired. As she made her exit the doctor closed the door and took the seat next to her bed.

He spoke to her not as a doctor but rather a long time family friend; "Maddie, All of the tests we've run indicate that there is nothing wrong physically, but we'd like you to stay the night so that we can make sure."

Maddie protested as firmly as she was able; "Doctor Kastner, I'm alright. I need to go home."

"Maddie, I've told you before, I'm Doc or Joel and not Doctor Kastner. I've been yours and Alex's friend and physician for too long for that formality. Maddie, when the Casualty Assistance Officers broke the news about Alex your system tried to protect itself by . ."

She quickly cut him off: "You don't understand; When they came to inform me I knew Alex was dead and that I'd watched him die." With this last, the grief again engulfed her and she began to shake and sob, letting the tears flood down her cheeks.

The doctor held her hand and softly stroked it to sooth her as best he could until she was at last able to control her emotions.

Joel was surprised by her last statement before the eruption and simply asked how she knew.

Her reply stunned him. "That helo crash that killed those serviceman was the only event for the next two days in which US service personal died in Saigon, and I watched it happen right before my eyes on the evening news," once again breaking into huge sobs.

When she again gained her composure Joel made his pronouncement; "Maddie what you've just said probably explains what occurred. You had two extraordinarily shocking events in a brief span of time and your system simply shut itself down in self protection. This is all the more reason for you to stay here overnight so that we can monitor you to make sure nothing further crops up."

With resignation she agreed to stay the night.

The good doctor rose, but before departing he remarked, "The Casualty Assistance Officers need to talk to you again as there is much in the way of paperwork that has to be filled out. Since they are attached to the Naval Reserve Officers Training Corps (NROTC) at Western University this will not be a problem but I've requested that they wait a few days until I know you'll be up to it."

As he placed the chair against the wall he asked, "Will it be alright if I notify the head of the Math Department at Western so that the university can begin its own process of taking care of the necessary affairs?" A request she quickly acceded to.

The next morning the hospital released her with a clean bill of health as far as her physical being went and Helen Jackson drove her home.

As Maddie and Alex had no kin folk other then some very distant cousins in far away places, Grace and Helen spent as much time as possible with her to fulfill the functions that family would normally have taken care of.

Several days after her return home she felt up to meeting with the Casualty Assistance Officers and the process began its glacier-like move to resolution. Having delivered the Certification of Death certificates the same process began at Western.

All of those days she walked and acted as if she was in a trance, but the nights were horrible as thoughts of past good times, loneliness, and grief swirled through her mind and body like savage tornados, and the tears flowed in never ending torrents.

The body of CDR. Alexander Foster (USNR) was finally returned home in its flag draped coffin, escorted by a Navy Commander who identified himself to Maddie as CDR. Frank Johnson, USN. The same minister who'd married Maddie and Alex 6 years earlier in the Presbyterian Church conducted the service at the church with the coffin occupying the same spot near the Altar rail where the two of them had taken their vows. During the service a bagpiper playing Amazing Grace stood outside the church far enough away so as to not interfere with the services but still be faintly heard.

The strains of that old hymn had Maddie crying as were most of the congregation. Her tears were thankfully hidden by her heavy black veil.

The piper, suitably attired in the uniform and Tartan of the famed Black Watch, preceded the coffin all the way to the grave site following the church service. As the coffin was placed in its cradle by the uniformed pall bearers the piper kept playing as he disappeared into the nearby woods the sound becoming fainter and fainter until it disappeared into the breezes.

Following the final pronouncements the honor guard exercised its duty, causing Maddie to wince at each volley. At the conclusion of that, a bugler hidden in the same general direction the piper had taken played Taps. As his sad notes died away a bugler in the opposite direction and further away softly echoed that mournful refrain.

The flag was duly folded into a blue starred triangle and presented to Maddie by CDR. Johnson who'd accompanied Alex home. She received it gracefully, but sorrowfully, into her elbow length black gloved hands and softly pressed it to her breast.

Following the services everyone returned to the church for "an hour of sharing" prepared and served by the ladies of the church. CDR. Johnson approached Maddie and placed a beautiful small mahogany box in her hand. Opening it she discovered a single silver oak leaf resting on a navy blue velvet lining. The Commander told her that that was how they were able to identify Alex so quickly. He was the only US Navy Commander on that flight and someone removed one of the insignia from the uniform so that Maddie would have a final remembrance. She tearfully thanked him profusely for such a generous thought.

Maddie and Frank Johnson had to stay until the end of the reception so that each well wisher could stop by and say a few words to her. She bravely kept her emotions in check so that she could respond appropriately. When the last guest had taken leave, Frank Johnson and the minister escorted her to a black US Navy sedan. She slid into the back seat through the door being held open by a young enlisted Navy driver who stood at attention and held a rigid salute. Frank joined her and they were off, headed for home, with Harry, Grace Swanson's husband at the wheel of their family car, and Helen Jackson trying to calm her huge brood while husband George followed along behind in their family van.

At the house Frank escorted her to the door and placing his card in her hand shook it as he softly said; "Anytime you think you need some help you have my card."

Stepping back, he snapped to attention, saluted her, turned 180 degrees, and took his leave.

She instinctively knew that that salute and his retirement were to indicate that the physical aspects of this sorrowful event were concluded and it was now time to grieve, pick up the pieces, and try to recover at some point.

The sun was beginning its red-hewed descent behind the trees as she wearily entered the house.

Carefully putting the flag and the mahogany box on the coffee table in front of the sofa, she pulled off her gloves, removed the veiled hat, kicked off her shoes, and moved over to the liquor cabinet to pour what she hoped would be a mind numbing brandy.

Seating herself on the sofa, she tucked her long black nylon clad legs underneath her and leaned her back against the overstuffed pillow resting against the black leather armrest. Her eyes were drawn to the flag and the small box and yet, as she sipped the brandy, she wasn't seeing those items. She was seeing a flag draped coffin and as she saw it in her mind's eye it faded and in its place she saw a 24 year old woman with auburn hair in her white wedding dress and veil, bouquet in hand, next to her friend and lover in his white Navy uniform, proudly wearing the black shoulder boards with 2 and 1/2 gold stripes that are the just due of a Lieutenant Commander (LCDR). He was magnificent as he stood there, all 6'6" of him. His curly red hair close cropped in military style, his blue eyes shining, and his huge hand holding hers.

A smile crossed her lips as she saw herself standing next to him on that glorious June day in 1969 when she and Alex united in matrimony in front of that old Altar rail and she became Mrs. Madelyn Fitzgerald Foster. She was tall, standing almost 5'11" in stocking feet but standing next to him even in her 2" heels she had a hard time seeing anything but the bottom of the shoulder boards of her huge loving and lovable giant.

The vision began to fade as she and Alex walked side by side out of the church between his uniformed mess mates arranged in two lines with raised swords forming a long arch of steel. . .

With a start she returned to the present and her eyes once again focused on the flag and box, yet they were hard to see in the rapidly dimming light. "My God," she said aloud. "I've been sitting here for hours." Deciding she wasn't hungry she gathered up the flag and box and headed to the stairs and bed.

At the top of the stairs she turned left towards her bedroom. Entering, she reached over to turn a table lamp on as by now darkness had completely blanketed the sky. Placing the flag and box on the bed she moved to the full length mirror and leaning over to her right slightly, she picked up the picture of Alex as a newly promoted Commander (CDR) that sat on the dresser and moved it over next to the mirror.

Standing in front of that mirror, for just a second she saw herself on her wedding day as she'dstood in front of this same mirror and her brides maids dressed her in her wedding gown and veil with much giggling and some very naughty and ribald comments.

Shaking the thought off she began to remove her "Widow's Weeds."

She reached behind her, unbuttoned the long black dress, and pulled it from her body. Standing in front of the mirror in her bra, panties, garter belt, and nylon stockings she saw a 30 year old woman who was now alone and the thought so angered her as it was so unfair, she ripped the bra and panties from her and threw them on the bedroom floor.

Bending over to undo the belts from her stockings and rolling the stockings down her long legs caused her heavy pendulous breasts to hang down, rolling, wobbling, and swaying with her body movements. Sitting on the bed to pull the stockings off she could feel her breasts comfortably rest on her thighs.

She'd been ashamed of those dangling beauties when she and Alex first made love, but he'd worshipped them. and just couldn't leave them alone. Anytime he could get his big mitts on them he would. Her breasts, her big ass ( Alex always said she had a very sexy ass), and all of her turned Alex into a total pervert, and she loved it. Loved the power her body gave her over her lover, that and the tremendous pleasure he'd always given her as they made love.

Standing in front of the mirror once again it struck her like a hammer blow that there would be no Alex to worship and make love to her and pleasure her body ever again.

With tears rolling down her cheeks and the utter loneliness tormenting her that only those who've experienced the loss of a loved one can ever know and understand, she rolled down the bed covering, placed the picture of Alex, the flag, and the small box on Alex's pillow and in utter dejection crawled into her prison cell of misery and isolation.

Slowly life started to turn into a sad and painful routine. She took several trips to Western to take care of affairs there and to bring Alex's personal possessions home.

Because he'd passed his doctoral thesis in Mathematics he'd been tenured in near record time so there were some perks due including a very large insurance policy which he'd been able to purchase because of his status. The problem was the insurance company didn't want to pay off because they claimed his death was war related. The Math department took the matter up with the Law School which after examining the policy, found there was no "war clause" and if the matter wasn't settled, not only would they sue, but they would also recommend that the university take its business elsewhere. The Insurance company settled in short order.

Alex had been in the Naval Reserve ever since he'd graduated from Western and had been commissioned an Ensign in the USN Reserve through his courses in the NROTC unit at Western. With his mathematics background he'd found himself in the intelligence branch, more especially in the code and cryptology section. Rising in rank he'd soon found himself teaching his craft to the NROTC Cadets. This largely satisfied his duty requirements except when he traveled somewhere once a year to receive additional training.

This specialty was one of the reasons he'd been ordered to active duty and sent to Saigon. The other being the security clearances he'd carried in his records. Navy CDR's are easy to find but CDR's with his training and with the necessary security clearances aren't. The Math Department had graciously given him a one year leave of absence to fulfill his Navy orders. All of the factors had been put in place to put Alex in harms way.

As she brought all of Alex's books and things home she stored them in the huge storage area over the garage, a space Alex had always intended to make into a study but had never quite gotten around to. His books and things from the NROTC were another matter. Each item had to be inspected, cataloged, and cleared by a security team before she was allowed to remove them. The boxes, when cleared, were sealed, numbered, and escorted to her car by members of the team.

To Maddie it all seemed a little paranoid, but it is equally doubtful that Maddie knew that she'd been investigated before she married Alex and the marriage was only allowed when she was cleared by the powers that be.

Maddie was becoming a recluse, though she would have denied it. Other then trips to the grocery store and for such other necessities she required she seldom left the house. The only people she saw were Helen and Grace who made it a point to stop in at least twice a week to look after her. Maddie had even stopped going to the beauty salon and was beginning to look like a 30 year old hag.

It came to a head after almost 6 months when Grace and Helen held a council of war. Things could not go on the way they were. After much discussion they decided on their course of action.

On a warm Fall day they met Maddie at the side of her pool. The pool was one of the reasons Alex had bought the property, the others being the huge two storied garage and the lovely house with its huge wrap around front porch, built sometime in the 1920's.

The reason given to Maddie for the get together was the great idea of three friends sitting by the pool and enjoying the warmth of the sun before the weather turned nasty when the Fall rains and blustery winds would begin.

They gathered around the pool side table and after they plied Maddie (and themselves) with several coffees laced heavily with Irish Cream they attacked. Grace said, "It is too early to take a look at social dating, but what in the Hell do you intend to do with your life?" Before she could answer Helen snapped, "If Alex saw what you're doing to yourself you'd have one pissed-off sailor on your hands." They pulled no punches and took no prisoners. They were concerned and also Damn Mad at her for the way she was behaving. Before she could play the poor me card they were on page two of their scheme.

It was Graces turn again, "Yes you've gotten enough money to pay off the home and car loans. Yes you have enough to invest but it wont last forever. Why don't you go back to teaching?" She replied in a jerky tone, " I let my certificates lapse after Alex and I agreed that I'd stay home so that we could start a family." This brought them to the last stage of their plan.

"Honey," Helen softly put forth, "You are a graduate of Western and a member of the WU Alumni Association. With your credentials and the memory of Alex, it shouldn't be a problem to get yourself re-certified and up to speed again."

Helen made up another round of coffees and Irish Cream as Maddie tried to find a way of getting out of it. In her mind a delaying tactic was now called for. "You two are right, I'll start classes in the Winter quarter."

The two dear friends had anticipated this and dropped the bombshell in unison. "You are already enrolled and you start Monday," they gleefully shouted.

"But I can't," was Maddie's weak reply, "Classes started several weeks ago."

"You've been accepted as a delayed entry. You have an appointment at 8:30 Monday with a counsellor at the Graduate Students Office. You're to bring a copy of your transcripts, certificates, and anything else you think you might need, " Grace said with a smug smile.