Time

I think they would die if they knew how many naked, feminine legs my head has been between. I loved the sweet delicacy of vulvas and making them gush, of having them thrust in my face seeking more. It was beautiful too when mine had it's turn and my whole body was electrified with consuming lust. I never went with other men, as John never went with other women. Some how, that would have been a betrayal.

With out Bill I'd been happy, but never fulfilled. John was wonderful, he knew, and we talked about it. While I took the comfort of women he took that of men. We fucked and enjoyed each other but wanted more between our thighs. The care of another person is a huge responsibility. Why shouldn't it be shared? It's a crime to chop down trees. Why isn't it a crime to chop down a libido?

I've learned it's not the flesh that matters. It's the love and the flesh is a token of that, a validation. I've learned a lot about love. It's not jealous. It's not finite. Love isn't a chattel for exchange. It should be given freely and often. It should be taken too.

That is my love and the more I give, the more I take. It makes me whole. I often feel I have failed my daughters. But we all have choices and as much as I have made mine, they have made theirs. I don't understand why it should be so secretive. But it has to be I suppose, until they grow. While they don't want to grow they will never know. None of them are happy. I wish they were.

Bill had the same problem with Roger and Geoff. We had our little secrets and that's how it had to be. We weren't going to risk anything. Neither of us wanted to be admitted to "care".

We felt so much younger. I told Bill of my intention to go to the South Pole. He laughed and we agreed that my going around his pole had the same effect, for both of us. He was very naughty when he said I had to pass his date. I sucked his pole into my mouth to show him how well I went around it. I loved his naughty humour.

It was during a match between Geelong and the Kangaroos that, what some would regard as being inevitable, happened. Bill was on top of me. We were fucking. He'd just told me how he loved me. The joy of it was suddenly destroyed. Bill slumped. I wasn't aware for a while. I asked if he was ok. He didn't respond. I started to wonder. I asked again. My legs and arms were around him. I wanted him close. I could feel his dick shrinking out of me. I rolled him off and saw him, lifeless. His eyes were open but he wasn't seeing anything. I knew he was dead.

I dressed and called the ambulance. I wished I could dress him. I washed him, kissed him and held him instead. I knew he was the only one I truly loved. With him I felt whole.

The police were the first to arrive. They were so very considerate as they took down the details. They didn't hug me but they were so professional in their considerateness and solicitations. I was honest and told them of our affair. It was a word I knew they'd understand and they smiled, but really, it was no affair. We simply loved each other and instead of a lifetime together we only had a few years. Good years. They offered to ring people for me and I asked that they ring his sons.

When the ambulance arrived I led them in to him. They took the covers off and looked. I told them that what they saw was confidential and I expected their respect. They told me not to worry. I watched as they loaded him onto a barouche. I cried as I said good bye and kissed him. They stood back and watched. I wasn't shy. Bill meant more than that and I'd cheated him once through shyness. I wasn't about to do it again. Mine weren't the only tears. They told me to take my time as they filled out their forms. I held his face in my hands and kissed him. Cheek to cheek, I whispered my love to him.

When they eventually wheeled him out I cried. They wanted to call someone for me. I thought of Narelle and knew she wouldn't understand. I couldn't ring the others without ringing Narelle. She would never forgive me. I sat on the door step with Bill's little dog in my lap as they loaded Bill into the ambulance. Slowly he left my drive. I hugged his little dog. She whimpered. Hers were the other tears. Through my tears I watched as the ambulance, without bells and whistles, was soon out of sight.

"Dust to dust, earth to earth,..." It was a terrible day.