Same old, same old at work. I know they say you have to pay your dues when you're first starting out, but this is getting ridiculous. When I woke up this morning, I had to spend 20 minutes psyching myself up to get out of bed and get in on time. I think I need to start looking for another job.
But there was one interesting thing today. The manager over on the clinical side brought over their new hire and introduced her around. We make a lot of calls over to them, so he thought it would be a good idea. I wish my boss did stuff like that, but she's a complete idiot, so I won't hold my breath. Maybe I'll put in a bid if something opens up over there; I really don't have the training, but it can't hurt to try.
In any event, the new hire's name is Natalia. She seems nice enough. One thing about her was kind of odd. She has the most beautiful, manicured fingernails on nine of her fingers ... long and red, really well done. But the nail on the index finger of her right hand is cut short and painted this bluish purple. I don't know why she'd do that. Maybe she does it to get attention? If so, mission accomplished.
* * *
I saw that Natalia woman again today, in the cafeteria over lunch. I invited her to sit with me, but she said she'd be eating at her desk and working through lunch. That's smart of her ... it's always a good idea to make a good impression.
* * *
Natalia passed though the call center a couple times today, which was a little odd. The clinical people don't usually come down here. I waved at her when she passed by my row, and she waved back, but we couldn't talk. The callers were absolutely insane today. These billers know what they're supposed to do to get their claims paid, but they act like I'm the one being unreasonable. The only thing worse is when they put the doctors on to plead their case ... they act like I'm supposed to make exceptions for them because they're a doctor and they said so. I swear to God I have no idea how these people get through medical school if they are so freaking STUPID.
Actually, the doctors aren't stupid, just arrogant. It's the mental health providers who are stupid. Having these people in charge of our mental health is like having Steven Hawking as your personal fitness trainer. I actually had one of these people ask me what I meant by "mental health services".
It was like that all day today.
* * *
Saw Natalia in the cafeteria again today, and she had a few minutes to sit and chat. She seems really nice.
* * *
I don't know what to do.
Natalia and I had lunch together again today. We were talking about hobbies, what we like to do outside of work, that sort of thing, and she mentioned she liked to read palms in her spare time. So I asked her to read mine.
She took my hand, but instead of reading my palm, she jabbed her finger, the one with the weird fingernail, into my hand. Hard. It really hurt, like it was burning or something. I tried to pull my hand back, but she had my by the wrist and wouldn't let go. She just stared at me and dug her finger in deeper. I wanted to scream, but we were in the middle of the cafeteria and I didn't want to make a scene. I don't know how long she held on to me, it felt like forever, but she finally let go. I grabbed my stuff and bolted out of there.
The funny thing is, as soon as she let go, it stopped hurting. And despite how much it hurt while she was grabbing me, there was only a tiny red mark, about the size of a button, on my hand. She didn't try to follow me, or say anything, or apologize. Nothing. It was weird.
I'm thinking about going to HR tomorrow and filing a complaint.
* * *
I slept on it and I don't think I'm going to do anything for now. My hand doesn't hurt at all, and I don't really have much proof anything happened. The red mark is still there, but it looks like the sort of thing that could have been caused by just about anything. It's funny that the mark hasn't changed, it looks exactly the same as it did at lunch yesterday. But right now it would be my word againt hers.
Natalia passed through the call floor again today, but she didn't seem to pay any attention to me. As long as she leaves me alone, I'll leave it alone.
But I think I'll be taking my lunch at my desk for a while.
* * *
It's been a rough week. The call volume has been really high, and the callers seem to have doubled up on their stupid pills. I've really been having a hard time concentrating lately, and I'm making dumb mistakes I never used to make before. My stats have really suffered, enough so that my boss asked me about it today. I thought about telling her what happened in the cafeteria last week. But I haven't seen Natalia at all, and my hand is fine, except for that mark, which STILL hasn't gone away. To be honest, I am beginning to wonder if I am making too much of that whole thing. So I just apologized and promised I'd try harder.
Caleb came by tonight. I wanted to talk about work, just vent a little, but as usual all he wanted to do was fuck. So I sent him on his way. He got all pissy and started complaining that I've been a bitch to him lately. I really don't have much patience for that these days, so I just slammed the door on him. I don't think I'll be seeing much of him anymore.
The funny thing is, I was really horny when he came over. I was totally in the mood for a good fuck, just not with him. I tried the vibrator after he left, but it didn't help much.
* * *
Another rough week. My stats aren't getting better, but they haven't gotten any worse either. Yipee skippy!
I am just so tired lately. I wake up three or four times a night lately, and I know I woke up out of a dream, but for the life of me I can't remember what it was. All I know is that my pussy is totally drenched, and then I start playing with myself, and I know that if I can remember what it was I was dreaming about, I'll be able to cum and get some decent sleep. But I can't remember.
So I go through the day totally exhausted and totally frustrated. Not good times.
And other people are starting to notice, like Jillian. She's better at this job than I am. She doesn't get as frustrated or as discouraged with things as I do. And she has an absolute genius for knowing when I'm feeling frustrated and discouraged and saying the right thing.
"I swear to God, I think they have me in the idiot queue today," she griped. I laughed a little. She smiled and continued, "You know ... Press one for eligibility, press two for claim status, press three if you are a complete and utter moron."
I laughed a little louder.
"You want to talk about it?" she asked.
I didn't. It was embarrassing.
"That's cool," she said. "When you are ready to talk, I'm ready to listen."
Friends like her don't come along every day. She's got a birthday coming up ... I'll have to think up something nice for her.
* * *
I saw Natalia today. She was making a pass through the call center again. I don't think she saw me; if she did she made no sign of it.
I'd almost forgotten how beautiful she is. I knew she was pretty, of course, but she looked incredible. She had her hair down today, it's black with these golden brown highlights, and goes down all the way to her chest. Her face is pouty and angular with dark, dark eyes and full, moist lips. She was wearing these dark, tailored dress pants that really showed off her hips and her legs. And she was also wearing a soft, white, long sleeved sweater with just an extra button undone to show off her breasts. She was wearing a thin, diamond and leather chocker. It looked almost like a dog collar.
Everyone just seemed to stop what they were doing when she walked by. I can't blame them.
I wanted to go up to her and apologize for what happened in the cafeteria. I know I've blown the whole thing completely out of proportion. But for some reason I was afraid to approach her. So she just walked right by, and I felt a little disappointed she hadn't noticed me.
* * *
I woke up in the middle of the night again last night. This time was different, though. I could remember my dream.
I was lying on an enormous bed, and Natalia was standing over me. She was wearing the same outfit as the last time she passed through my department. Her hands slowly pulled at the buttons on her sweater until it opened ever so slightly. I got a glimps of her black bra and sparkling belly button ring.
She undid her belt, then the button on her pants. It was like invisible hands rolled the garment down her strong, tanned legs. Then she was leaning over me, pulling down my pajama bottoms. Somehow, my top was gone. I held my breasts in my hands, squuzing them. I could feel my nipples throbbing again my palms, the throbbing seemed to pulse through my entire body. I did nothing to stop her as she disrobed me, in fact, I lifted my ass, then my legs, to make it easier for her. I could hear myself groaning as my panties came away. I was naked for her now. I spread my legs so she could see how wet I was, how much I needed to cum. I held my breasts as if offering them to her. She could have anything of me she wanted.
With a slow roll of her shoulders, the sweater fell off her body. She reached behind her back to unclasp her bra then, inch by agonizing inch, took it off. I was whining like a hungry dog now, I could hear it in my dream and in reality. She bent forward, practically folding herself in half, to remove her black panties. Slowly, she straightened up.
She was so beautiful, so far beyond anything or anyone I'd ever seen in my life. God, it seemed like she was glowing. I'd been hit on by plenty of women back in school; I even had a professor make a pass at me once. I'd turned them all down, had no interest whatsoever. But I so wanted this. I was playing with my tits again. It felt like there was a wire connecting my nipples to my clit. Every time I squeezed, there was a rush of ecstasy between my legs. My hips were bucking frantically, as if she were fucking me already. I prayed she would for real.
Natalia dropped to her knees and bent forward. I was panting with anticipation. Her tongue peeked out from between her luscious lips. I was as open as my legs could go. When she touched me ...
... I woke up. It took me a long moment to realize the dream was over, followed by a sickening, collapsing sensation in my belly as I realized I hadn't orgasmed. I curled up in a ball and wept as I frigged myself, knowing it wouldn't help.
* * *
I'm so ashamed of myself. All through work today, images of the dream would suddenly pop up and I'd be absolutely useless until I could pull myself together and calm myself down. That was bad enough.
Then I'd remember how I acted when I'd woken up, lying on my bed, thinking about Natalia, trying to get myself off like some sort of lesbo whore. I never did make myself cum. I can't tell if that was a good or a bad thing.
* * *
I had the dream again last night, and once again after I woke up, I spent the rest of the night crying and playing with myself. I still can't make myself cum. I can't tell what's worse, that I'm acting like such a slut when I wake up or that I'm so weak that I bawl like a baby when I'm doing it. What is my fucking problem?
I thought long and hard about not going to work today. I knew I wasn't going to get anything done. I was a wreck. But I went in anyway ... I can't afford to take the time off.
She didn't pass through my department today. I didn't see her in the cafeteria.
* * *
I had the dream again last night. It woke me up at 2:51 am. I couldn't fall back asleep.
Another day I got almost nothing done. This whole thing is insane.
On an almost hourly basis, I'd resolve to focus, put her out of my mind and concentrate on my work. But it would be only moments before I'd rise of my chair to peek over the cubicle wall and see if she was passing by. She never did.
* * *
I didn't sleep at all last night. I spent the night cleaning my apartment, doing jumping jacks and crunches and guzzling coffee ... anything to keep myself from falling asleep. I knew I'd have the dream again and I knew how I'd act once I woke up
* * *
I saw her today! It was right before lunch, and I saw her coming from the other side of the room. The call center is, basically, a gigantic open space so "from the other side of the room" meant, literally, from the other side of the building. My heart felt like it was in my mouth, beating faster and faster the closer she came. It didn't seem possible, but she was somehow even more beautiful and sexy then the last time I saw her.
Her hair had been pulled back into two big, loose ponytails. She was wearing a dazzling white dress shirt, tied off at the front, the knot just high enough up her stomach to give a peek of her belly button ring. Her tits looked like they were going to burst through the straining buttons. Her skirt was short and tight, a bold blue and black plaid, and tight white socks came up just over her knees. The heels she wore had to have been at least three inches. I had no idea how she could have moved in that outfit, but she did. She walked through the department like she owned the place.
I wanted to run to her, throw myself down before her, beg her for I don't even know what. But I couldn't. I froze. I gave in to that especially irrational panic that always seems to grip me whenever I was on the verge of getting something I really wanted ... instead of grabbing it with both hands, I have to fight the urge to run away. She walked by my row without a second look. For a second I though I was going to cry again, and I hated myself for it.
She's pissed at me for that fit I'd pitched in the cafeteria, I just know it. She has every right, of course. I have no idea how I am going to make it up to her.
* * *
I can't believe what I did today! I followed Natalia home. I know it's wrong to go all stalker on her, but it felt good to do something, to take things into my own hands, to not be passive.
The idea came out of nowhere. Around 4:30p, I went up to my boss, told her I wasn't feeling well and asked to go home. There were only 30 minutes left in the day, and given what I'd been through lately (and the way I looked as a result), it was a lie anyone would have believed.
I got in my car, and moved it to a spot where I'd have a clear view of the building's main enterance. I waited. She came out at 5:15p. I watched her as she crossed the parking lot and got into her car. I made sure to keep close. The traffic was heavy, I had to cut off a few cars to keep her in sight. I think I may have actually nicked one of the cars I cut off. I probably should have stopped to make sure and exchange insurance info and all that crap. But this was so much more important.
As it turns, she lives in the town next to mine, just three miles from my apartment.
* * *
Had the dream AGAIN last. I didn't cry this time. I just tried to relax and accept it as I touched myself. I thought about how nice it might feel to tongue her juicy little twat, or have her suck on my tits. I lay there for hours, thinking about all the nasty ways she could use me ... and it felt good. It felt really good! For a while there I thought I was going to go over the edge while I imagined banging her with a strap on. I could almost feel her squirming beneath me, I could almost hear her yelping with joy. I could definitely smell my own pussy, and I wondered if hers smelled the same. But I still couldn't make myself cum.
I've decided. I'm just going to go to her place, and knock on the door, and work this thing out. I'm going to apologize for being such a bitch to her and see if we can still be friends.
I'm going tomorrow.
* * *
I was going to go see her today, but when I got home from work, and got a look at myself in the mirror, I couldn't believe what I saw. I looked like shit! So I took a long, hot shower, and while that helped, I still didn't look my best. So I went down to a local salon and lucked out that they had a spot for me. I had my hair done, got a facial and a massage and dropped a lot of money I really couldn't afford in doing so. But I looked a lot better. Unfortunately, by the time I got home, it was way too late for me to just show up unannounced at her place.
So I'll do it tomorrow instead.
* * *
I was going to go today, I really was. But when I got home and tried to pick out an outfit, I just couldn't find anything that seemed quite right. It's hard to find just the right outfit to beg forgiveness in. So I went to the mall and picked out something nice. As I was leaving I passed by this one shop and saw the sexiest, hot pink bikini with white trim on display. I just had to try it on. And it looked incredible on me. And I decided that, with everything that had been going on, I deserved a little treat. So I bought it.
But I'd lost track of the time ... again. I might have made it if I hadn't stopped to try on the bikini, but ... I feel so stupid. I'm definitely doing this tomorrow.
* * *
I didn't feel very good when I woke up today, so I banged in sick. I still didn't feel much better by the time Natalia would have gotten home. I really want to be at my best when I see her. So this is definitely going to happen tomorrow.
* * *
I had the dream again last night. Besides leaving me horny and frustrated, it was sort of an epiphany for me. I realized all the little excuses and distractions I'd been dealing with were irrelevant. They were just ways of me finding an excuse to not do what needed to happen. I need to suck it up, be a grown up and get it done!
I thought about it all day at work today. The fact I didn't see Natalia somehow firmed up my resolve. I just got home a few minutes ago. I'm going to take a shower, make myself up and put on that outfit I bought at the mall the other night. Then I am going straight over there. Nothing is going to stop me
* * *
I did it! It went so much better than I ever could have hoped.
I had one little worry as I drove to her place, it being Friday night. What if she wasn't in? All that work, all that pumping myself up ... it would have been a major let down. But the lights were on in her house, and I recognized her car parked on the street. So far so good.
It was a cold night, and I tightened my overcoat around my neck as I walked up to the front door. My hand hovered over the knocker. It was shaking, and it wasn't just from the temperature. The sound as I pounded on the door sounded like cannon fire. I could see motion behind the door's small glass panes, then it opened. Natalia was there, wearing the outfit I'd seen in my dreams. The air just rushed out of me. She smiled.
"You must be freezing," she purred. "Come in."
I did as I was told. She stepped behind me, "Take you coat?"
It slipped off my shoulders. I was wearing the pink bikini, and that confused me. I was sure I'd picked the other outfit. My nipples were pressing against the triangular panels of the top. They were impossible to miss and again, it wasn't just because of the cold. I thought they looked sexy. I hoped she thought so also.
Judging from the smile on her face, she did. She took me by the hand, letting me know everything was okay between us. I felt so much better. She led me into the house.
"We were beginning to think you wouldn't show."
We ended up in the living room. The lights were off, but a roaring fire in the fireplace and dozens of candles lent the room a clear, if flickering, glow. Two others lay on the rug in front on the fire, kissing and holding each other close.
"Ladies, you remember Jordan?" she called. The two figures scrambled to their knees. One of them was completely naked, the other in a bikini, like me, only hers was blue and red and she'd added a white, sheer wrap around her hips. The naked one was a nurse from the case management department. It took me a minute to remember her name was Andrea. She was tall and full figured with big, soft breasts and long, straight black hair that went down to the small of her back.