TJ Ch. 11

Tuesday morning, I reluctantly walked into the school, half-expecting John to cause some big scene. Surprisingly, nothing happened. He walked into the classroom for first period just before the bell rang and left as soon as class was finished. Josh let me know John didn't sit with the group at our table during lunch and he didn't see where he had gone instead. I did notice him in the hallways speaking to some people I didn't know, but since he wasn't around me or anyone I love causing trouble, I didn't care who he hung out with.

Sean's week went as well as expected. Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on your point of view, he wasn't "fuck-did" up on his pain killers when I showed up to check on him the rest of the week. I say unfortunately, because the now popular "Lupe Rodriguez" video- which had been viewed by practically everyone at school- was fucking hilarious. By Wednesday afternoon, he felt good enough to start working on his make-up work. At his doctor's appointment on Friday, the doctor cleared him to go back to school starting Monday. He was even allowed to attend the football game on Friday night, as long as he promised he would leave immediately if he started feeling a headache.

I think Sean had fun during the game, at least he told me he did. There were a couple of times when I would look over at him and I could tell he would have rather been on the field playing and leading his team. I was seriously impressed with the way the team played, considering they were using the second-string quarterback, one defensive, and one offensive lineman.

Neither Smith nor Rogers played. In fact, they were both on the sidelines the whole game in t-shirts and jeans. At one point, I noticed Smith glaring at Sean and me. Shockingly, when Rogers saw him doing it, he whispered something in his ear. Smith turned the glare at his best friend, hissed out a reply I could tell was not pleasant, and then walked away. Rogers glanced our way before shifting his gaze to someone else in the crowd. I tried to follow his eyeline and see who he was looking at. Finally, I caught sight of a white-haired woman who couldn't be more than five feet tall if she was standing on her tiptoes, sitting next to a guy around our age who looked a little like Rogers. When she noticed me looking her way, she gave me a friendly smile and waved. I smiled back and turned to watch the rest of the game, not thinking much of it.

Neither team was able to hold the lead for long. Luckily, right at the end of the fourth quarter, Patrick threw the game-winning pass and led the team to another victory. I could see the conflict of emotions on Sean's face. Pride in his friend and protégé doing so well mixed with something between sadness and longing that he wasn't able to be out there. As soon as he noticed me studying his face, he smiled and said, "I'm okay, I promise. I'm happy Patrick did so well. I just felt a little sorry for myself for a second that I wasn't out there instead. At least starting next week, I'll be on the sidelines with the team helping Coach call offensive plays. I think I'll like coaching. You know what they say, 'Those who can't, teach.' Well, since I can't play anymore without risk, maybe this is the universe's way of saying, 'Maybe you should consider becoming a coach.'"

I smiled at him, kissed his cheek, and said, "I think you'd make a great coach. But right now, let's go congratulate Patrick and the team and celebrate another win! We're undefeated!"

While congratulating Patrick, Kevin, Mark, Castro and a few other players on a game well played, a commotion broke out. Suddenly, we heard Smith yelling at Rogers to get off his back and leave him the hell alone before he stormed off towards the locker room. Rogers went to follow but was stopped short in his tracks when the tiny older woman stepped in front of him and pointed our way. Without any hesitation or argument, he started walking over followed by the woman and the guy who was sitting next to her. Rogers walked over to Sean and stood there silently, unable to look up from the ground. After a moment of awkward silence, the woman reached up and smacked his shoulder and said, "Well, get on with it. You know what you need to do." The guy standing next her crossed his arms over his chest and glared at Rogers.

Rogers grumbled, "Okay, Granma. I know." He looked at Sean and mumbled, "I'm sorry."

When he went to turn and walk away, his Granma slapped his chest. "You know damn-well that won't cut it." She then said to us, "What my idiot grandson meant to say was he wanted to apologize for everything he has said and done towards all of you. He regrets letting his good-for-nothing dumbass of a best friend to do the thinking for him. He regrets letting himself be talked into lying to his cousin, Hunter," she indicated the guy with the crossed arms, "and allowing Tweedledum to tell him you were actually a gay-basher." She looked at her grandson and continued, "Why don't you tell him why y'all needed to lie to Hunter?"

Rogers looked uncomfortable for a moment before he dropped his head and focused his eyes on our feet. Finally, Hunter uncrossed his arms and walked over to Sean. "I wouldn't have gone along with their idea if they had told me the truth. Smith told me he felt sorry for some kid because he was being gay-bashed everyday by you. He said he and my dumb-ass cousin confronted you and you laughed them off. They knew exactly what to say to manipulate me and get me to knock you down as hard as I could."

He took a deep breath, looking like he was trying to keep his emotions in control. His grandmother patted his forearm and smiled up at him lovingly. "The beginning of the summer before last, my best friend committed suicide because he was being bullied after someone found out he was gay and spread it around the whole school. I...I abandoned him because I didn't want people thinking I was gay too. One day, some kids started saying shit to him and instead of sticking up for him and supporting him the way I should've, I laughed at their jokes. He took a full bottle of sleeping pills that night. I could've saved my best friend, but instead I laughed at him.

"I went into a depression and finally, after a couple of months, Granma convinced my parents to get me help. I've worked through my guilt, for the most part. The first thing I did when I got back to school last year was join the GSA and I kinda made it my crusade to stop bullying against gay people. Those two fuckers, sorry Granma, knew that and convinced me to," he held up both hands in air-quotes, "'help take him off his high horse and show him he's not as big and badass as he thinks.'

"I agreed, and we came up with a plan. Smith would give a signal on the play and let me pass by him with no trouble and open a line straight to you. I would have no one to stop me from coming at you at full force. I would hit you with everything I have and damn the consequences. It would look like a clean hit. I've played football long enough, I knew where and how to hit you to cause the most damage. I knew it would probably break your arm and would more than likely give you a concussion.

"It wasn't until Wednesday night, when I went to Pauly's to make sure you got the message, that I learned the truth. They didn't know I was coming over, so I was able to listen to their conversation. Pauly was pacing back and forth in the backyard, running his hands through his hair. I heard him say, 'We fucked up, Joey. We need to tell Coach the truth and let him decide our punishment. Sean was really hurt bad.'"

"Smith laughed. 'That stupid faggot got what he deserved. Coach can't prove anything. Your faggot-loving, queer-bait cousin made it look like he really got past me. We're fine. We'll make a half-assed apology to McQueer on Monday, make Coach happy, and get our positions back. Then we find a way to get Kevin, Patrick and Mark to quit and we can have a team worth being on.'

"Needless to say, I was pissed. I stormed into the backyard and grabbed Smith by his shirt. I told him to get the hell away from me before I did something else I would regret later. He pushed me off him and made a half-assed remark about him leaving anyways. I turned to Pauly, ready to attack my cousin, and saw the tears on his cheeks."

Rogers took over and said, "I told Hunter everything. What Smith and I had done to you, the things we said, what I said and did to Josh." He looked at Kevin and then straight into Josh's eyes. "I'm so sorry. I don't know what I was doing. I always let Smith take the lead and followed him. That day, when you accused me of being jealous, I wanted to show I was more than just his sidekick. So, I lashed out. I'm really sorry. Anyways, after I told Hunter the truth, he told me we had to make this as right as we could. I agreed."

Hunter took over again. "I decided the first thing I needed to do was tell my coach the truth. Thursday morning, I went and told him and quit the team. I don't deserve to keep playing after blindly following whatever I was told and not finding out the facts for myself. When Granma heard I was off the football team, and Pauly was benched indefinitely, she confronted us and made us tell her everything."

Granma spoke up. "They knew better than to try and lie to me. I'm a walking lie detector, especially when it comes to my grandsons. I don't expect y'all to be friends with Pauly, I would completely support y'all if you decided to kick his ass. As long as he doesn't wind up hurt too much or in the hospital or dead. He's genuinely sorry. I just want y'all to know that. I apologize for what's been done to you. I thought I'd taught my grandkids better than this. First lying to family and manipulating them into hurting someone else. Then, using brawns instead of brains to deal with problems. All that leads to is people getting hurt and nothing getting solved. Now, I'm sure y'all have plans to go to a party or something. We won't keep you any longer. I hope everything works out in the end for you Sean. I'm sorry about you not being able to play anymore. But, remember when a door closes, a window opens. If a window doesn't open, kick the damn door down and make a new way." She winked at Sean and patted his arm.

By the time the exchange was finished, I noticed our whole group plus Robert, Lori, and Jacob was present. We all looked at each other, not exactly knowing what to say or do. Finally, Lori spoke up. "Well, if someone doesn't invite those two to go to dinner with us, and give them a chance to prove they're sorry, I'll be pissed."

Robert cleared his throat and looked at me pointedly. "I really don't want to deal with a literally pissed off drama queen. Do something."

That made the group laugh. Finally, Chase started walking after Hunter and Rogers. He turned back and said, "Well, come on. If we're really starting this GSA, this would be a good first step to building a relationship with the S part of the group. Let's go get them."

So, next thing I knew, there were seventeen people yelling for Hunter and Rogers to hold up and wait. It must have been a bit intimidating, but they both stopped and turned around. When we caught up to them, I don't think anyone knew what to say or who should speak first. I figured, since Sean was the victim here, he should extend the olive branch. I nudged him with my shoulder and said, "Sean has something he wants to say. Go ahead, Sean." Everyone behind us started agreeing and encouraging Sean to speak.

He smiled his cockiest grin and spoke without hesitation. "We were wondering if you two and your Granma would like to go get some dinner with us?"

Rogers looked apprehensive, Hunter smiled, and Granma said, "I think that would be a lovely idea, but only if I'm allowed to pay. I'm old, have more money than God, and nothing but these two brats and their cousin to spend it on."

Robert and Jacob both started to protest, but Granma held up her hand and said, "Don't argue with me Robert Kennedy and Jacob McNair. Jacob, you know I'm loaded, you're my damn financial advisor! Now, no more discussion, let's get some damn dinner. Where are we going to eat?"

Nobody argued after that. Dinner was a loud, boisterous affair at Outback. It's not easy to fit a party of twenty in right before closing. However, Granma promised the waiter if he took good care of us, she would take care of him. She handed over a black credit card and the server jumped into action with a smile. I convinced Sean to sit next to Rogers and I took a seat across from Hunter. I introduced myself to Hunter. He seemed like an honestly nice person. He apologized again to me for what happened to Sean. I looked at him and asked, "Have you forgiven Rogers for lying to you about why they asked you to help take Sean out?"

He replied, "Honestly, not completely. I'm getting there. The fact he used my most vulnerable spot against me hurts more than anything. I would give anything to go back and be there for Benji. Pauly knows I see red and lose all thought for consequences whenever I think someone is being bashed. If they had said Sean was a conceited asshole who needed to be taken down a couple of pegs, I probably would've gone along, but not made the hit as bad as I did. I still would've been in the wrong. What he doesn't understand, I don't think, is that by telling me it was about protecting someone who was being bashed, but in reality he was the one who was being bashed, he made me the bully. He turned me into a gay-basher. It's hard to wrap my head around."

I nodded and pondered over his words for a moment. "Actually, you're wrong. You didn't know Sean was really gay and being bashed. You thought you were protecting someone. In this case, I think it's important to look at your intentions, not your actions. People judge others all the time on their intentions or their actions, depending on what suits them best. If they want someone to look like the bad guy and their actions were wrong, but the intent was good, they would judge on the actions. If they wanted to view someone as a hero, they would focus on the good intentions. Right now, focus on your intentions, not your actions. Don't think about Smith's or Rogers' intentions or actions. You're only accountable for yourself. You know where your heart is. You thought you were doing the right thing. Let Rogers, Pauly- I think I might have to start calling him that- let him deal with what he's done. He's going to need your forgiveness before he'll be able to fully forgive himself."

Suddenly, I had an epiphany. It was like the clouds parted and the sun shined down from the heavens and everything suddenly became clear. I needed to take my own fucking advise and let Scott know I forgave him for what happened and ask if he could ever forgive me. I needed to do it right then. I looked at Hunter and said, "I'm sorry. I need to make a phone call. Turns out, I need to listen to myself more often. Evidently, I give awesome advice."

I stood and walked to Sean and said, "Hey, I'm going to go outside for a second. I need to call Scott."

Sean's eyebrows rose into his hair. Then I heard, "You need to call who?" and "Why in the hell would you call that son-of-a-bitch after what he did to you?" come from both sides.

I looked around and noticed Robert and Josh on either side of me looking like I'd lost my damn mind.

"I said, I need to call Scott. Like, right now. And Robert, I need you to know I forgive you."

He didn't question what the forgiveness was about, his eyes filled with knowing tears and he nodded. I walked over to him and gave him a hug, and whispered, "I'm sorry. I should have told you that months ago. I didn't realize how important it is to hear those words until I told Hunter he needed to let Rogers know he forgave him in order for Rogers to be able to forgive himself. I need to let Scott know I forgive him and need to know if he could ever forgive me."

He whispered in my ear, "I love you, Teej. Thank you for saying that."

I pulled away and surreptitiously wiped at my eyes. I said to the group, "Enough of this fucking mushy emotional shit. Oh, oops sorry Rogers' Granma. I mean enough of this stupid mushy emotional stuff."

The table erupted in laughter and Josh spoke, "No, you didn't. You meant exactly what you said in the first place. Rogers' Granma, you'll have to forgive my brother. The things that come out of his mouth don't get filtered, like at all, ever. He cusses more than a sailor and says whatever he can to get a rise out of people."

Rogers' Granma smiled at me. "Young man, first off call me Doris or Granma. Second, I honestly don't give a flying fuck what you say, as long as you are honest and not saying shit to intentionally hurt someone. Otherwise, have fun."

I smiled back and said, "I think I'm going to like you, old woman. We need to be friends."

She shot me a mockingly shocked look and gasped. "Old woman? Why you little...didn't you say you have a phone call to make or something? Now go on and hurry back. I won't stop any of these big hunks of men here from eating your steak if you're not back in time."

I walked out the door and pulled out my phone. I pulled up Scott's name and hovered over the green call button for a few long moments. Finally, I hit it and held the phone up to my ear. I didn't change my phone number after I moved down here, since I've had the same number since I got my first cell-phone five years ago. Hopefully, he didn't erase my number. The phone rang a few times and just before I thought the voicemail was going to pick up, I heard an unfamiliar voice answer with a laugh. "Hello?"

I hesitated for a second before saying, "Sorry I guess I got the wrong number."

Before I could hang up the unfamiliar voice said, "Wait! TJ is that you? Hold on let me find Scott." There was a brief pause and then I heard the voice call out. "Scott! Hey babe, get out of the pool. You need to get this call."

The voice said into the phone, "He'll be here in just a minute. Sorry, I should've answered with 'Scott's phone,' but I didn't want to miss the call. He's been wanting to talk to you for a while. He wasn't sure if the call would go through though. Oh, by the way, my name's Ryan. Ryan Nelson. I don't know if you remember me..."

Before he could continue, I interrupted. "Yeah, I remember you. I wasn't aware you were friends with Scott."

Ryan laughed. "I wasn't until this summer. Hold on, here he is."

I heard Scott's familiar voice ask, "Who is it babe? I thought my dad was spending the night at Jim's. He made it sound like they would be fucking all night, like we're supposed to be doing."

I was flabbergasted. Ryan laughed and said, "It's not your dad. You know he and Jim are spending the night at the Gaylord. They need a little romance. We'll discuss our events later. Right now, speak."

Next, I heard, "This is Scott."

"Umm, hey Scott, this is TJ. TJ Kennedy," I added unnecessarily. "Hope I didn't catch you at a bad time."

"TJ? Is it really you? Oh, my god! I umm yeah, I mean no you're fine. I mean I'm not busy. I was just swimming at Ryan's. He's, umm, he's my boyfriend. I guess you can say things have really turned around for me since you left."

"Turned around for good or bad?" I ask cautiously.

"Honestly, both."

"I hear that. I guess you can say the same for me. Look, I need to tell you something. I want you to know I forgive you for everything that was said and done, and I hope one day you can find it in you to forgive me for outing you. It wasn't fair to you. I had no right to do it."

He laughed a little and said, "Wow, the world works in strange and mysterious ways. I actually have been avoiding calling you for a few months. First, let me say the day you found me with Kim, I was coming off almost a full week of a drunken bender. I don't remember anything from the time the door opened till I was outside yelling at you to get off my property. When Kim and I went inside, I started freaking out. I made her tell me everything that happened and when she was finished, I couldn't believe it. I told her to get the fuck out of my house and never speak to me again. I also told her to never speak about you in a negative way. If I found out she did, well let's just say I might have threatened her ability to continue existing on the mortal plane. I was hoping she had made most of it up. When you wouldn't answer my calls or return my texts, I decided to try and talk to you face to face. I wanted for what Kim had told me to not be true so badly, but I could tell by my greeting from Josh and what you said, it was all true and there was nothing I could do. You were leaving to live with your brother and nephew and I would never see you again.