To Be Or Not To Be?

This was just a short story I wanted to get out there real fast. Warning: It's on my dark side again so be prepared to hate me a little bit. But I promise I'll make it up to you in the end.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius bowed his head as the priest above him began prayer. His father and mother mumbled along with him, clasping their hands tightly together. His two younger brothers didn't seem to notice and proceeded to poke and prod each other until the other reacted. The twins fought constantly and it was all his mother and father could do to keep up with them. As one twin shakily pushed the other, Demetrius' mother opened one eye and shushed them, freezing both of the five year olds in their tracks.

Demetrius closed his eyes again and kept his head bowed. Finally, the group of people before the older priest opened their eyes and raised their heads as the priest moved on. Demetrius tried to listen, but was distracted as usual. He thought about school, and the chores he had forgotten to do, and how messy his room was. He had only turned eighteen last week, and was honestly surprised at how... average he felt.

People always spoke about how when they turned eighteen the first thing they would do is leave home. Or go to college. Or date a girl. But Demetrius never thought about any of those things.

His parents had made it clear that he was going to stay at home. They owned a small farm about half an hour away from town. With his brothers too young to do much, he and his father did most of the manual work. Not that he was much help either. He was short, and thin. Weighing only a hundred pounds. He could hardly lift the enormous bags of feed, or carry the buckets full of water. He was terrible at riding their horses, and even worse at caring for the more wild animals on the farm. His blonde hair was too long, and though they always spoke of getting it cut, it had just never happened. So it hung down to his shoulders, sometimes hiding his eyes.

When he was fourteen, he had started dating. Secretly of course. His parents were strict, and even cruel at times. He dated a few girls, never going farther than kissing, and one time feeling up a girl from his class. But no matter how hard he tried, he never understood what the other boys his age were talking about. They all drooled over the young women and their curvy bodies. While his friends looked at the women, he looked at his friends.

It had scared him at first, when he found himself attracted to the other boys, and not the girls. He stared at their growing chests and arms. Their untouched bodies. He couldn't help but be attracted to them. When he and a new kid on the football team had been alone in the locker room, he let everything slip away for a moment, and found himself kissing the young boy. After the boy had run away in fear, he realized what he had done. Still hard from the soft kiss, he panicked and ran from the locker rooms. But not before grabbing a jock strap from the boy's still open locker.

A week later, his mother had found the stolen jock strap and had told his father. Demetrius had been in his room reading when the furious man came in, belt in hand. Before he could even flinch, his father began laying into him. The belt cracked against his skin, turning it pink and swollen quickly. His father screamed questions at him as he whipped Demetrius with his leather belt, the buckle in his hand.

"Who's is this? Where in the lords name did you get it? What were you doing with it you filthy pervert?!" he shouted, swinging the belt back and forth with all his might. By now Demetrius had managed to curl into a ball on his bed, trying to shield the delicate features of his face from his father's blows. But nothing could stop the furious man, until he ran out of breath. He stopped, breathing hard. Demetrius slowly uncurled from his protective ball. His father's face was beet red from shouting and swinging the thick belt. Demetrius blinked away the tears in his eyes before he stuttered out the words he would regret for the rest of his life.

"I-I like boys," he almost sobbed the three words. His father turned an even brighter shade of red and turned to leave the room. Stopping and turning suddenly, he swung the belt one last time, the buckle out now. The gleaming piece of metal struck Demetrius in the eye. He screamed as blood dripped from the wound. He wasn't ever able to see out of his left eye after that. Forced to wear the dark eye patch that contrasted greatly against his pale blond hair, he never again spoke of his interest towards his own sex. But that never stopped him from thinking.

He watched as the alter boy walked around with incense, burning the familiar smelling sticks. He smiled a little bit, though it did seem fake. He saw the altar boy often, and couldn't help but stare at him every time his mother and father dragged him to the Catholic church. It made it slightly less painful as the priest began his regular speech on homosexuality. He endured the hateful words pouring from the older man's mouth. Several people nodded along with him, sometimes letting out a small 'amen' to themselves or those around them. Demetrius' mother wrapped her hand around Demetrius' own. He looked up and saw her eyes were closed as she prayed, for him of course. He kept his head down until it was time to leave. He stood and walked down the row of pews, his parents close behind. He saw the priest and the altar boy at the exit, saying goodbye to people as they left. He couldn't help the small smile that crossed his face as he reached the boy who looked close to the same age.

"Have a good day," the altar boy said. Demetrius remembered his name was Benjamin.

"You too," Demetrius squeaked out, before his father forced him out the door of the large church.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius sat up in his room, in his window. He looked out over the fields his family owned and sighed. This was his home, but it felt like anything but. He got out of the window and sat down on his bed, his mind wandering to the handsome altar boy. He had never seen him around school, and figured he probably went to the only other high school in town. He would never forget such a face as that. He pulled off his eyepatch and rubbed his blind eye. He had never gone to the hospital for the injury his father had caused. The eyepatch was lying around in the attic from when his father had eye surgery several years before. His mother had dug it out for him after she managed to stop the bleeding, which took several hours. He stood up and walked into the bathroom. He leaned in close to the mirror and stared at his bad eye. It had long ago turned a miserable looking gray and glazed over. Every now and then it would get sore, but he knew his father would never take him to the hospital. How would he be able to explain it?

"Demetrius, dinner!" his mother called up to him. He slipped the eye patch back over his eye and opened his bedroom door, hurrying downstairs.

He sat down at the table and his brothers soon followed. His father was last inside, coming in as his mother set down the last of the food. He bowed his head as they said grace, before everyone dug into their food. His brothers chatted loudly, his father and mother sharing a few quiet words. He ate silently, not raising his head to anyone. He winced as his eye throbbed under the dark patch and tried to discreetly rub it, but it didn't go unnoticed by his mother.

"Is your eye bothering you, Demetrius?" she asked, turning her head.

"No, ma'am," Demetrius mumbled, before putting another forkful of chicken into his mouth.

"Too bad, you deserve it," his father grunted. Demetrius glanced up at him but said nothing, returning to his food. "Your brothers are ten times better than you," he said, looking at his squabbling siblings. Demetrius kept his head down and ate quietly. "Look up when I'm talking to you, boy." He reached a hand across the table and pushed Demetrius' chin up. Demetrius winced but kept eye contact with his father until he removed his hand from under his chin. He let his head fall back down so that he was staring at his plate.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius waited until he heard his parent's door close, and he quietly got out of bed. He slipped on his shoes, before swinging one leg out the window. Carefully, he climbed down the tree that was near his bedroom, before hitting the ground. He walked slowly and quietly down his driveway and into the fields attached to his house. He let himself wander through the incredibly tall wheat. His hands were shoved in his pockets as he wandered through the tall yellow plants. They swept his body gently and in the distance he could hear chirping bugs and frogs. The air was warm, the summer wind blowing the wheat gently. He walked alongside the old wooden fence that separated his property from his neighbors. Every now and then he would trip over a rock, but for the most part the walk was quiet and uneventful.

This was his favorite place in the entire town. He would spend all day and all night out here if he could. The soft sound of the wind through the plants, and the chirping bugs. In the center of the field was an old oak tree that he often sat at. He didn't go there today though, he just took his time walking along the fence line. Other than the bugs, he was always alone. Which is why the voice he heard surprised him.

"Hello," a light voice called. He jumped and looked around, seeing the altar boy from earlier sitting on the fence.

"Hello," Demetrius returned. It was past midnight, and he didn't know why this stranger was out here. No one was ever out here.

"I saw you at church earlier, didn't I?" the altar boy asked. Demetrius gave a small nod. He stared at the boy sitting on the fence, still wondering what he was doing. The boy jumped down onto his side and walked over to him. Stopping a few feet away, his hand raised.

"I'm Benjamin," he smiled, waiting for Demetrius to take his hand.

"Demetrius," he shook his hand gently. Benjamin smiled and put his hands in his pockets.

"Can I walk with you?" he asked. Demetrius thought about it. He had never had anyone to walk with before. He usually liked being alone. Maybe he would just try it this one time.

"Sure," he nodded. He began walking again, side by side with Benjamin. They were both quiet. Hands shoved in their pockets, and stepping around rocks and the occasional large stick. The bugs chirped louder and an owl 'hoooed' in the distance. Demetrius had a fleeting thought about it living in the oak tree. He would have to look for it later. "Do you walk out here, a lot?" he asked.

"Not really. This is my first time here. This is really nice though," Benjamin replied.

"It's my favorite place... you can come here sometimes if you want," he offered, without looking up at Benjamin.

"Thanks. Do you walk out here a lot?" Benjamin asked.

"Yes. Every night." Demetrius looked up and smiled a little. He knew what he was doing was wrong. He wanted this boy. This man. He had to remind himself he wasn't a child anymore. He was eighteen, and so was Benjamin.

"That's awesome. Maybe we can walk together some more," Benjamin smiled.

"Maybe we can. I should get back, though. I need to be up early to help my father with the farm," Demetrius said.

"Yeah, me too. I'll see you later, Demetrius," Benjamin smiled.

"Bye." Demetrius waved a hand as he turned and walked back down the way he had came. Benjamin hopped the fence and jogged through the wheat field on the other side.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius hid from his father in the wheat field the next afternoon. He leaned against the oak tree and rubbed the bruise forming on his cheek from the blow his father gave him when he had dropped the bag of chicken feed. The heavy bags were too much for him and when the full bag had split open on the ground, his father had been furious. Demetrius now sat in his field, alone, hiding from the wrath that he would have to face later.

"Hi," he heard. He looked up and saw Benjamin walking towards him. He couldn't help but smile a little as he sat down next to him. Benjamin frowned. "What happened to your cheek?" he asked. Before Demetrius could move, he lifted a hand and stroked Demetrius' cheek gently. Demetrius froze under his touch and the concerned look in his eyes.

"I dropped a bag of chicken feed. My father got mad," he explained, looking off towards the farm haunted by his furious father. Benjamin frowned.

"I'm sorry... what happened to your eye?" Benjamin asked. Demetrius just shrugged, not wanting to talk about his misery. "I've dropped bags of feed too. I'm not the best help around the farm," Benjamin said. Though Demetrius felt like he was lying. Benjamin was easily four or five inches taller than him, and much larger. He wasn't fat though, it was all muscle. His tanned skin gave away the hours he spent outside in the sun, whereas Demetrius had pale fragile skin that burned under the harsh glare of the sun. It made him feel better that Benjamin cared enough to lie to him. He was so unhappy here, and it was the nicest thing to find a friend, even if he had only really known him for two days.

"Do you ever think about boys?" Demetrius asked, before he could stop himself. Now he had lost his only friend.

"What? Sure, there's a lot of guys at school who I'm friends with, I guess I-"

"I don't mean like that. I mean... like how we're supposed to think about girls," Demetrius clarified, feeling alone and awkward in his confession. Benjamin was silent for a second.

"I don't think about girls that way," he said. Demetrius looked up at him.

"Really?" he asked. Maybe he wasn't such a freak. If he wasn't the only one who thought like this.

"Really," Benjamin nodded. "My parents say it's a sin. But how can something so right be wrong?" Benjamin asked, staring up at the bright blue sky. Demetrius stared at him before looking up at the sky with him. In their small town, it was rare to find someone you got along with completely. But Demetrius thought he had found that person. In the two short days he had known Benjamin, he was beginning to like him more and more. Maybe too much...

"I need to go," Demetrius said, standing quickly.

"Wait, Demetrius," Benjamin stood up and chased after him. "I'm sorry if I scared you, I promise I'm not a freak or anything. Don't leave," Benjamin grabbed his wrist gently. Demetrius turned around and looked at him with fear in his only working eye. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just don't want you to leave." Benjamin let his arm go and looked down at the ground, kicking the dirt with his toe. Demetrius swallowed and looked at his home, before turning back to Benjamin.

"I don't have to go... yet," Demetrius mumbled. Benjamin smiled and Demetrius returned it, as the two walked back to their oak tree. Demetrius could only think of it as their oak tree now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius opened the front door quietly, tiptoeing through the house carefully. The sun had set hours ago, but he didn't want to leave Benjamin. He knew his parents would be furious, but he didn't want to leave. He couldn't leave. They had talked about everything that came to mind. But mostly about themselves. Demetrius told him about what his parents were like, and how he hated his home. He told him about what happened to his eye, and how he was attracted to his own gender, not the opposite. Benjamin had listened quietly, and comforted Demetrius when he began to cry. Demetrius had never cried in front of somebody else before. His father always told him to man up and would beat him if he began crying. Which only made it worse. When the tears began falling, he felt better than he had in years. Benjamin cried with him, quietly and softly.

Benjamin had told Demetrius about his own family. He had eleven sisters, and was the only boy besides, his father, in his entire family. He helped around the farm, but was generally forgotten since he was the middle child. He had the smallest room in the house, and shared it with two of his sisters. He hated school and never wanted to go, but he didn't want to stay at home either. His mother and father had forced him to be the altar boy, and he only went along with it because sometimes he would get to miss school for church events. His parents were religious through and through, the same as Demetrius'. Though they never got violent with him, even when they found out about his interest in men. Instead they forced him to attend church three times a week, and kept him away from any boys even close to his own age. Besides that, Benjamin was generally forgotten. He faded into the background, which only made it easier to sneak off into the field he now shared with Demetrius.

Demetrius thought about their long talks and was pondering Benjamins admission to liking boys, when his bedroom light turned on. He jumped as his father crossed his arms, sitting on his bed in the dark. Demetrius swallowed. He knew you were able to see the large oak tree in the field from his bedroom window, and also knew his father had probably seen the two boys together. He swallowed and bowed his head. He knew what was coming long before it finally came. His father struck him across the head, sending the eyepatch flying to the other side of the room. He fell on his side, curled into a ball in fear. His father kicked him several times, aiming for his stomach and sides. He protected his weakest spots as best as he could with his arms. His father spat on him once before he stopped the onslaught of blows.

"You're a sinner. You're going to Hell," his father ground out. "Your brothers are saints. Jesus loves them more than he will EVER love a demon like you," his father spat the poisonous words at him. Demetrius buried his head in his arms on the floor, feeling a sick mixture of blood and tears falling down his face. His father shut the door with a slam and Demetrius let himself sob quietly. He knew if his father heard him he would only return to beat him again. He never crawled up to the bed. He stayed on the cold hard wood floors of his room, and cried. He didn't fall asleep until the blood had long since dried and the tears had finally stopped falling. Even as he was drifting off to sleep, he never once regretted meeting Benjamin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Demetrius stayed home from school the next day. His mother convinced his father to let him stay in his room, though of course he didn't. The first chance he got, he slipped away into the warm field of wheat. The sun beat down on his shoulders, warming them under the thin white shirt he wore. He had gently scrubbed his face clean of the dried blood, but that didn't fix the red and bruised skin underneath. His father had hit his nose, and had bruised his arms badly. One wrist was swollen and it hurt to move the aching joint. He fell against the oak tree and slid down the hard wood. He dozed gently and only awoke when he heard the soft breathing and rustling wheat. He opened his eyes and saw Benjamin standing before him.

"Don't you have school?" Demetrius asked, his voice hoarse from the sobbing the night before, and the sleep he had just woken from.

"I skipped," Benjamin said, and sat down next to Demetrius. Demetrius blinked heavily, he hadn't slept well on the cold floor, but didn't have the strength to get up.

"You should go to school," Demetrius said, eyes closed. Benjamin stared at him quietly for a few seconds before responding.

"I don't want to," he said. Demetrius nodded weakly and sighed, his lip quivering. Benjamin wrapped an arm around him and Demetrius leaned into his shoulder. He cried quietly. It hurt his nose, but he couldn't stop. Benjamin let him cry and tucked his head under his own chin. He rubbed his back gently, and stroked the soft hair on his head. When Demetrius finally stopped crying, Benjamin finally pulled him away from him, and kissed him gently. Demetrius savored the light kiss. He wanted it more than anything, but couldn't help the rising bile in his throat.