To Be Wanted

With misty eyes I gave the baby a tight hug, wishing with my arms, until he complained. I had to laugh... he was such a precious miracle! Sleep was winning out with him and I quietly took him back into the room where Jan was and carefully laid him in his bassinet. I stood up and saw Jan looking at me with a wan, grateful smile and silently tiptoed out.

I wasn't hungry yet so I went to the corral and saddled Frisky, who was anything but that. She was an aging mare, quite docile, that neither the previous owners nor myself had the heart to get rid of. We slowly rode up the small valley to the spring just before the end of my property. It was a lovely spot with willows and cottonwoods scattered around in the damper soil around the spring.

It was a lovely spot and I always felt somewhat at peace there. It was early, but the brisk morning typical of the mountains was quickly showing promise of another hot July day. I sat down on a rock and looked back down the valley at my log cabin and the small town of De Beque. I could very faintly hear the constant traffic traveling endlessly along I-70.

I was in a strange mood. The baby, the gentle ride on Frisky, the early morning view of my ranch, all conspired to give me a sense of peace, of quietude. Thinking of the dance last night, I could feel my face burn – and not from the early sun peeping over the mesa to the east. I had made a real bollix of the evening.

I loved Cal! It was as simple as that. I had dreams, like anyone does. In my dreams Cal loved me. I had built a sand-castle: the ranch with my little log cabin now big enough for a family; kids running around; a man that wanted me, really wanted me... for myself!

I was afraid to say anything to Cal. I knew he liked me – but what if he didn't love me like I wanted him to? I hoped at the dance... maybe when we were close; maybe he would put his arms around me and talk about love and babies and... my face turned red just thinking about it.

When Cal had asked me to dance I was so excited but as I looked around there was no one else dancing. I knew everyone would be staring at us, alone on the floor as Cal told me how much he loved me – and it was too much. I begged off and asked him to dance with me when there were more folks on the dance floor and they were playing a nice slow tune.

Finally I heard the sad chords of "Tennessee Waltz." I always got teary-eyed when I listened to the sad refrain:

I remember the night and the Tennessee Waltz

Now I know just how much I have lost

Yes, I lost my little darlin' the night they were playing

The beautiful Tennessee Waltz

I had been following Cal around with my eyes, ready to meet him and start our life's journey together. I was half-way across the crowded dance floor when the blond floozy waltzed up to Caleb and gave him a big kiss! I was devastated! Then he started dancing with her! I felt the huge rogue wave that crashed down on my castle of sand... my dream dissolving into a fantasy.

Tears blinding me, I turned and rushed out from the barn. I asked a couple of cowboys if one of them could give me a ride back to my ranch. Both of them just stared at me like I was crazy. Then another of the ranch hands stepped out of the shadows. As he spoke I knew he had too much to drink but I was crushed and wanted to escape... so badly.

He was tall, slim, and maybe good-looking – but he wasn't Cal! He stepped up and drawled,

"Ma'am, I'd be darn pleased to help y'all out!"

One of the other ranch hands jumped in and said, "Miss, I don' think you want to take off with this here critter! I guess Joel and I could give y'all a lift."

But the tall one grabbed my elbow and pulled me out to his truck. I didn't think anything about it; I was so humiliated I only wanted to escape, and this cowboy seemed nice enough to help me.

It was a quiet ride back to my ranch; I guess both of us were lost in our thoughts. The only talk was my quiet direction: "Take the Roan Creek Road exit, turn left on East 4th Street until it ends and take the dirt road to the ranch."

When we got there it was black. I hadn't left a light on 'cause I wasn't planning on coming back for a couple more days. The cowboy - he told me his name was Jeff - walked me up to my door. I smiled a little, thinking about the ways of cowboys... sometimes they were like little boys, so sweet and awkward.

I opened the door and turned the light on inside and turned to Jeff to say thanks, "Jeff, I appreciate you giving me a ride! I was really desperate to get home."

I started to close the door when Jeff roughly grabbed my arm and pushed me inside, leaving the door open behind him.

"Hey, little lady, how's about a thank you kiss for little Jeff for being such a nice guy."

With that he threw his arms around me and tried to kiss me.

I'd been dealing with guys like this all my life – I knew how to handle them! I pushed him back and gave him a dirty look.

"Hey, thanks for you help but I don't give kisses to anyone." I tried to close the door on him.

He pushed hard on the door, almost knocking me down, looking angry. Reaching back he closed and locked the door, a strange look in his eyes. Suddenly he slapped me, hard! I was stunned. He grabbed my cowgirl shirt and just ripped the buttons off. He grabbed the strap on my flimsy new bra that Jan had helped me buy, tearing a strap and exposing one of my small breasts. Throwing me down on my sofa he put his hand roughly on my breast, squeezing hard.

"You asked for it, you damn uppity lady!"

He crushed my face to his and jammed his tongue into my mouth. He was hurting my breast something awful and I was starting to panic! All I could think about was my dream of a baby and a home dissolving in the drunken lust of a crazy cowboy. I couldn't breathe... I felt like I was dying!

Suddenly there was an awful noise as the front door crashed in. Jeff let go of me and started standing up just as Cal caught him in the pit of his stomach with a vicious kick from the toe of his cowboy boot. I couldn't breathe! Later Jan told me I was hyperventilating but at the time I thought I was dying.

Jan came over and put her arms around me but as she did I saw Cal looking at my bared breast as if in a trance. I was really having trouble catching a breath then but Jan calmed me down and led me into my bedroom. She wet a washcloth in the bathroom sink and wiped my face gently with it. She was saying something in a soothing voice but I couldn't understand it. She was brushing her hand across my forehead softly, over and over, and I gradually fell into a deep sleep.

The dream came to me, unbidden. I was sitting on my rock by the spring, half asleep in the warm summer evening. My two husky sons were finishing with the harvest of the hay in the meadows by the creek. Cal was asleep in the deep grass on the other side of the pool, handsome in repose. Lucinda, our beautiful twelve-year-old darling was nestled in the crook of his arm, her face calm with the innocence of youth.

I was happy looking at my domain spread before me. I felt a wonderful sense of peace and tranquility. Every fear I had had was put to rest and every dream fulfilled.

Suddenly everything changed! The beauty, my Cal, my kids were gone! My ranch was an ugly barren patch of hell. The skies were an ominous bruised purple with angry flashes seemingly striking at me. There was a noise like a thousand freight trains hammering at my senses, beating my brain to a dullness never known before. Two shadowy figures slipped out of the living hell before me: one an image of evil realized, a carnally angry Jeff, stepping forward, hand raised to slash me to the ground, brutal in its portent.

Behind the horror that was the body of the evil of Jeff, hideously evil not just in its aspect but also in its prospect, was a ghastly smirking Gerry, mouthing an unheard, "After Jeff has his fun, you will be my wife!"

A scary, almost blood curdling scream rent the air... and blackness prevailed.

CAL

The rest of the holiday was pretty much a downer for me. I wanted to go to Jesse and try to explain but Jan talked me out of it. I wasn't having a lot of fun, and finally left a day early going back to Denver, taking a trailer with me from the ranch to bring my stuff home. It had been seven years since I had lived on the ranch.

I did call her a week or so after I got back but there was no answer.

It took me longer than I had hoped to wrap up things at the hospital ... endless meetings and reviews. There were also a couple of nice parties for the group of interns I was part of. The first day back I met Aaron at the Brewery Bar for Chile Rellenos and a couple of the Tiny sized beers – and some talk about Jessica. He let me talk it out, just saying "hmmm!" once in a while. He showed more excitement about the food that he did about Jessica!

Finally I packed everything up and started up the mountain to Grand Junction. The practice had a small apartment in the back that Doctor Crane didn't use anymore. It was small but with a kitchen, a small living room, a good sized bedroom with bath and a small office with a beautiful antique black walnut desk filling most of the room.

After the long drive I dropped some of the stuff off at the apartment, then headed back up I-70 to Rifle and the ranch to leave the trailer off and the rest of my junk. I had a good-sized bedroom with a tiny bath attached at the ranch.

It was great to see my folks, Jake and his wife and all the ranch hands, many of them having been there since I was a kid. I called Jan but she was busy so we set it up for lunch the following Monday. She did mention that Aaron had been out and met with both her and Jesse. After one of the great ranch breakfasts the next morning, I headed on down the river to my new office and apartment. As I passed De Beque, I could see Jesse's log cabin up the valley on the right. I thought about stopping but decided she was probably at work already.

The agreement with Doctor Crane - Ben as he insisted I call him - was open-ended. He was agreeable to turn it over to me whenever we both felt comfortable. He had a small ranch (with a big house) in Green River, Utah, about a hundred miles west on I-70. He suggested we work together for a month, and then he would come in two days a week, or whenever I felt I needed him.

It was actually a very straightforward setup. After the gore and mayhem of Denver Saturday nights, this would almost be a vacation for me! The apartment looked like it would work out great. I planned to spend the week there and go to the ranch on weekends. There was another family doctor in a nearby building and we had an on-call agreement – we would take turns, week on, week off being on-call.

If I needed to go to the ranch it was only about ninety minutes each way... but only thirty minutes to Jesse's ranch. I'd see where things stood when I met with Jan the following day. I spent the rest of the weekend unpacking and stocking the shelves and the icebox (refrigerator really, but old habits die hard). The place was looking pretty comfortable. Mom and dad had given me a new Mac workstation and laptop, all set up for wireless. Doctor Crane had about the same setup in the front office.

I wanted to call Jesse but I thought I'd better talk to Jan first. I gave up and put myself down for a restless sleep.

The next morning was my first workday. It was actually kind of fun. The receptionist/nurse assistant would bring the patient in and after Doctor Crane did the introduction, I would do my thing. Ben would add his two-cents worth when he had some prior knowledge that was pertinent. The morning flew by and it was time for lunch. I was meeting Jan in a nice steak house in downtown Grand Junction.

I parked the truck, which I considered to be mine now, and walked in, looking around for Jan. I spotted her in a corner booth, the baby in a child-carrier on the seat next to her. As I leaned over the baby to give Jan a hug, I sensed a movement behind me. Turning quickly I bumped into Jesse!

Neither of us had expected this and we were literally up against each other, our bodies almost molded together. With no conscious thought I put my arms around her and held her tight, feeling her body shake in my arms. I leaned my head back to look at her... at the tears streaming down her face! I gently kissed each eye and put my arms around her again, holding her as if my life depended on it – which it did!

Things were better after that and we started seeing each other regularly. I'd come by her ranch of a weekend and help with some of the fixing up. One of the corrals needed a couple of new posts and the barn needed painting. She would always fix a picnic lunch and we would walk up to the spring.

The view was incredible from there. The highway and river stood out but seemed almost overwhelmed by the huge mesa rising abruptly on the other side of the Colorado River.

Maybe the fourth or fifth time we did this we had our first kiss. I'd picked some wildflowers for her and then lay down with my head on her lap and fell asleep. Later I was starting to stir and sensed a shadow over my face. I opened my eyes and caught her with a dreamy look on her face. She looked into my eyes for a moment, then leaned over and kissed me with a sweet lingering kiss. I thought she would be embarrassed but she just had this enigmatic smile on her face, the corners of her lips barely turned up.

She came on the Labor Day river raft trip with the family and it was like Christmas for her. She was more excited than I had ever seen her. She had really opened up. Some of it I think was working in a professional environment where she could see that her peers respected her skills and ability to make things happen. But most of it I was sure was our growing love.

As the weather turned colder and people had more time, the dances were starting up. We had fun at these – they were community events. We were growing closer and I think we both understood we had a life together even though we hadn't talked too much about the details.

JESSICA

I was sitting on my rock by the spring, half asleep in the warm summer evening. My two husky sons were finishing with the harvest of the hay in the meadows by the creek. Cal was asleep in the deep grass on the other side of the pool, handsome in repose. Lucinda, our beautiful twelve-year-old darling was nested in the crook of his arm, her face calm with the innocence of youth.

I was happy looking at my domain spread before me. I felt a wonderful sense of peace and tranquility. Every fear I had had was put to rest and every dream fulfilled.

Life was good.