To Have and Have Not

Some guys like ethereal and waif-like. Others like elegant and super model thin. It is sort of embarrassing to admit, but I like huge tits, big wide hips and asses.

I come from generations of German farmers and that penchant must have been stamped in my DNA about the time of Charlemagne.

I mean I really like big jugs and Sarah put new meaning to the term "brick shithouse"

This woman was several of my sweatiest fantasies rolled into one spectacular package. She was not fat as much as she was curved and totally sexual. She had a truck frame. The kind that you could abandon yourself on. You could pound on that body for hours and not break it.

Thirty generations of Huns grabbed their hearts and swooned like Pepe Le Pew.

Then she reached me. I had never taken my eyes off her. She looked at me like she was more than a little creeped out.

After we were married she explained that she thought that I was a total asshole. I was supposed to be in love with her friend. Not leering at her.

I had to plead insanity. There was no logic to explain my reaction except subliminal chemistry.

Linda made the introductions. Sarah extended her hand and said something like, "Pleased to meet you."

That was spoken in such a smoky contra-alto voice that I checked off a previously unknown criterion on my newfound list.

I had never encountered a woman who could communicate more sexuality in a simple tone of voice.

Of course her date and my date were a slight inconvenience.

She immediately took the arm of the guy who I had fixed her up with and Linda took mine.

I was overcome by waves of jealousy. I spent the entire evening trying to pry Sarah off Sid and the more blatant I was the tighter she clung to him and the happier Sid looked.

Linda didn't seem to get the message but she was not the brightest bulb in the room anyhow.

Sarah certainly did. She kept sending volley after volley of "back off pervert" messages.

When we finally parted company I left with Linda and Sarah left with Sid.

She claims she didn't fuck him afterward. I don't know for sure. But Sid acted disturbingly laid back the following Monday.

In the meantime, Linda insisted on visiting both front and back seats and once across the hood of the car. It was kind-of too bad that she was married. I was going to miss grabbing all that gusto.

But that cleared the only roadblock to my romancing her friend.

Two weeks later I was waiting outside of their building. My heart was being gnawed by a pack of ravenous Gerbils. I saw Linda come out and get in her car.

Sarah had not made an appearance. I knew she was a researcher, not a secretary, so I hoped she was still in the building doing something. I can find my way around a research facility. I spent a disquieting amount of time in school.

I crept down the hall and sure enough, she was in one of the labs staring intently at a monitor. Her long thick raven curls contrasted starkly with the white lab coat that she was wearing.

I stepped into the room and cleared my throat to announce my presence.

She looked startled and then angrily at me and said, "What do YOU want!?"

I said, "And hello to you too. I just wanted to drop by and talk to you for a minute. Do you have time?"

She said, with bush-off in every syllable, "I'm busy, leave me alone."

Okay, this wasn't going like I expected.

I said, "Excuuuuse Me? You can't spare a moment of your precious time to talk to me?

She said, with venom in her voice, "I don't have any time to talk to asshole losers who dump my friends for no good reason!"

I said, "I'm sorry that you and Linda feel that way about me. But I won't consciously violate somebody else's marriage vows. Fidelity is a really important virtue with me."

I turned to leave. I am far too used to striking out with beautiful women. But the walk back to the dugout is still humiliating.

She said hurriedly, "Wait a minute. What do you mean by violating marriage vows?!"

I turned back toward her and said, "Linda finally got around to telling me that she is married. And I just don't do adultery. It isn't right. So of COURSE I dumped her."

She said, "SERIOUSLY?!! Linda's married???!"

I said, "Come on! You must have known that! Don't you girls talk to each other?"

She looked flabbergasted and mumbled quizzically, "I absolutely didn't know that."

As I turned and walked out the door I said over my shoulder, "Well she should have told you before she torched me. Probably didn't want to look bad."

I added under my breath, "Or just too slutty to see being married as a problem."

Sarah was sitting there looking dumbfounded.

The next day I came out of class to find Sarah standing in the hall waiting for me. She looked amazing.

She had been working. So she had on her lab coat, which was open to reveal a pair of skin tight jeans and a simple t-shirt. It read, "I See Dumb People."

Aha! A sense of humor.

I upgraded her body from "world class" to "intergalactic"

She looked a little chastened and wary.

I was more than wary. I was pissed. I said coldly, "How can I help you?"

She said, "If you will walk over to the Union Terrace with me I'll buy you a beer."

One of the best things about Madison is its location on Lake Mendota. And on good days the Student Union is one of the nicest places in the world to sit and talk. It's bright and sunny out there with the smell of bratwurst cooking and it serves beer.

After all Wisconsin was more-or-less settled by Germans and we love our brats and beer.

She asked me what class I was teaching. It was just conversation to bridge the walk between my classroom building and the Union.

I told her about the ins-and-outs of ethical hacking, which to most people sounds about as appropriate a subject as trusted embezzling. But my students have to know how hackers work if they are ever going to figure out how to defend against them.

Sarah seemed to get that without me explaining it. Most people don't. In fact she appeared to be a very smart woman indeed.

I am several inches taller than she is and I was trying NOT to stare down at her massive jugs as they swayed back and forth. I didn't want to give her the no-doubt accurate impression that I was a lecher.

We got our beer and we sat. She really had a gorgeous face. Sitting in the sun with the wind off the lake ruffling her hair I could not imagine a more attractive woman.

Some of my students were sitting around the terrace as well. They kept cutting me approving glances.

She said, "Look, we got off on the wrong foot and I just wanted to straighten a few things out. I was NOT aware that Linda was married. And so dumping her like SHE said you had seemed like a typically cruel male maneuver.

"It wasn't until after I talked to her that I realized that you were just doing the right thing. I don't believe in adultery either.

"To be honest, I thought that you had dumped her for me and that made you ten times worse in my mind. I would never try to steal a man from one of my friends.

"I know you are attracted to me. I could tell that the minute I laid eyes on you."

I said, "Was it the snorting or the pawing of the ground that gave me away?"

She laughed and said, "Linda told me that you were head-over-heels in love with her.

"So I didn't think it was appropriate for you to be so supposedly committed to my friend. And then hit on me as hard as you did. It made you look like a super-hound."

I said, "That is because the instant I saw you I knew that you were the only woman in the world for me.

"I can't explain it and I probably shouldn't try. I never loved Linda. I was fond of her. She is a decent person. But she must have been smoking some heavy duty crack to think that I was in love with her.

"Maybe she mistook lust for love. I don't know?

"And then again, there was her totally problematic husband.

"YOU on the other hand are everything I ever wanted or desired in one package. YOU I could fall in love with. In fact I think I've already gotten there and I am just waiting for you to catch up."

Wow! That was semi-humiliating. I usually don't just lay it out like that.

She looked at me with smoky eyes and said, "Well maybe we should explore your little obsession. What time do you want to pick me up?"

The rest is history. In exactly four months I went from confirmed bachelor to married to the woman of my dreams.

She was everything I could ever want in a wife. She is a very intelligent person with a really excellent sense of self and a loving and giving soul. She was well-read, interested in everything and hilariously funny. She was an ideal companion and best-friend.

Oh then, of course, there was also the small detail that she is a complete animal in bed.

I have always believed that passion in a woman is a direct function of their intelligence. Or in simple terms, the smarter they are the hotter they are.

Sarah is very smart. She is also, hands-down, the hottest fuck I had ever know. And I had known more than a few women in my day.

Every man wants a lady in the parlor and a slut in the bedroom and that pretty much summed up my wife Sarah.

Most nights in the Tyler household were like something out of a Tarzan movie. She had a boundless appetite for sex, she was aggressive about getting fucked, open to anything, very vocal about what she wanted, and how long she wanted it for. And she had endless stamina.

Plus, that sturdy frame of hers meant I didn't have to hold anything back. The vision I will forever have stamped on my frontal lobe is those huge jugs with their big brown nipples bouncing on her chest, and Sarah loudly urging me on.

Then every morning she would put on her business suit and go off to work looking like the picture of the cool modern executive woman engineer, very sensible and controlled.

Nonetheless the best times of our marriage were just sitting on our back patio, drinking a beer and talking in the purple and gold of a deepening Wisconsin summer evening; cicadas, crickets, bullfrogs, the whole nine yards. That was my definition of heaven.

She made me very happy and I think that I made her just as contented. It was an ideal life.

----

We had been married nine years when the serpent slithered into the garden.

Sarah's company did bare metal programming for various types of medical devices. And one of them had run into a problem that involved litigation.

She was not the lead on the device but she had the most technical expertise. So they roped her into the investigation team.

The team was headed up by Mr. Marlon Ruffing, Vice President for Product Development. He sat in on all of the meetings and provided the policy perspective.

Sarah spent a lot of time telling me how insightful and funny and overall wonderful the guy was.

I had never met him but I knew the type.

My only advice, and I expressed it out loud, was, "Mr. Wonderful is trying to get in your pants."

She was downright scornful. She said, "He knows that I am happily married. I tell him about you all the time and he is very supportive of our marriage. In fact he constantly tells me how much he envies you."

Since that line was only slightly less subtle than having him outright tell her to, "Hit the ground and spread 'em" I reinforced my point.

I said, "I want you to tell this guy to back off. And I do not want you hanging around him in any one-on-one situations."

She looked disgusted. But she said, "Well if it makes you feel better I will tell Marlon that he needs to respect boundaries. But I wish you trusted me more. You are the man I love, not him."

Not the answer I wanted. But she is willful. All smart women are.

Nevertheless, there were no further suspicious signs from Sarah, not that I was even looking. She was my wife and life's companion and I trusted her.

She also stopped telling me about Mr. Wonderful. I know. I'm dense.

In early July of that year Sarah decided that she wanted to attend a seminar on product safety engineering. It was just a one day technical conference in Chicago.

Chicago is only three hours away from Madison and the event didn't even start until noon. So she planned to drive down on Friday morning and spend the rest of the day and overnight doing professional networking.

Then she would drive back whenever she got rolling the following day.

The night before we had a long and arduous session. She was so wild that she would have sated the Playboy Rabbit.

Summer in Madison almost makes up for the lousy winters and this year was nearly perfect, warm and sunny with less of the humidity that I was used to in Florida.

So I went for a run as soon as she left. Running has always been my exercise of choice. And I like to do four to six miles a day. It gets all of the endorphins rolling. And of course that kind of distance keeps me whippet slim.

But the separation was already beginning to wear on me.

Sarah goes where I go and vice-versa. It is something that both of us prefer.

There is no more interesting companion than my wife. She is a voracious reader. And she has fascinating thoughts about everything from classic literature to current events.

We keep a Mac Gregor 26 in a marina on Lake Mendota and we spend hours on the water in the summer reading and daydreaming. And we have a little log cabin just north of Madison where we cross country ski and snowshoe in the winter.

Making love by the fire after a day of brisk exercise in the snow is an experience that I heartily recommend.

I was trying not to think about her. But I missed her. The seminar was only down in Chicago. So I decided, "What the fuck! I got nothing to do the rest of the day. Why don't I just drive down and surprise her. Maybe we can spend the weekend shopping in the City, or whatever else might spring to mind."

One of our cars is the updated Thunderbird that Ford produced for a few years. It's really Sarah's baby but it is fun to drive It was only noon and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. I was in a mood for the open road with the top down and the warm sun on my face,

The seminar was in session when I got there. Reading the schedule I could see that it wouldn't end for another hour. So I went into the bar for a beer and sandwich to wait for her.

While I was eating I struck up a conversation with the guy sitting down the bar from me.

The badge he was wearing told me that he was in the same event as Sarah.

I asked him why he was in the bar instead of the event and he said that he already knew the material front to back. But his boss didn't know that. So he was using the event as an opportunity to play hooky.

I was thinking to myself, "Another fine specimen of American productivity."

I told him that I was down there to surprise my wife who was also in the seminar. He asked me her name and I said Sarah Tyler.

He gave me a strange look and said, "Wow! She has the same name as Marlon Ruffing's girlfriend?"

That statement hung in the air for several seconds before I finally processed what he had just said. I looked at him as blandly as I could and said, "Where would you get an idea like that?"

He said, "Well I know Ruffing. He's the VP at Acme in Madison. We do business with him. He is in the event too. And a woman named Sarah Tyler has been hanging on him like she was his playmate."

I said, "Excuse me." I dropped two twenties on the bar and marched out to the front desk.

The clerk detected fire in my eyes. Stupid move on my part.

I shifted into good old affable Davey Tyler. I said, "Hey buddy, I was wondering if a couple of old friends of mine are staying here. Would you be able to look them up for me?"

He told me that he would certainly NOT be able to look them up for me. Guest privacy was of paramount importance to the hotel.

I asked him the same question again. Only this time three twenties were under the hand that was resting lightly on the counter. He looked around. I pushed the money in his direction. He slid the money off into his pocket carefully blocking the view of the camera watching the front desk.

He gave me an eager to please smile and said, "Certainly Sir, we are always glad to assist our guests."

He did a little typing, wrote on a post-it and handed it to me with a metaphoric tip of his cap. It had two room numbers on two different floors. Thank God for tender mercies!

I was leaning on a lobby pillar when the seminar broke up. Some guys might want to sneak around and catch the offending spouse in the act. But I am not one of those guys.

I wasn't going to let Sarah take one step over the line until I had a little "Come to Jesus" with her. After that she could do whatever she pleased but I would have said my piece. And it would be on the record.

I was also hoping that she had NOT done anything too unforgivable yet.

She came out of the event holding onto the arm of a tall, slim and impossibly handsome guy. They were completely into each other as they approached me, laughing and talking animatedly.

I had already pinged their phones and force paired them. Apparently they didn't cover Bluesnarfing in that seminar. Both devices were wide open so it took me less than 10 seconds to do the Bluebugging. And before they had covered half the distance I owned them.

I stepped in front of the loving couple. They sensed rather than saw my presence. And they began to move around me, like I was an obstruction.

She was still looking lovingly up at him and holding his arm to her exquisite chest. He was smiling down at her and saying something witty.

I took another step, to stay in their way.

He looked up at me irritated.

I said in my friendliest tone of voice, "Hello Marlon. So, who is your new girlfriend?"

My voice snapped her out of her reverie. Her head came up and she gawked at me, just appalled.

Her face changed to a mask of horror. That was a completely and totally gratifying reaction.

Fuckface continued to look confused and annoyed.

She dropped his arm like it was on fire, put both hands to her mouth and said far too loudly, "OH MY GOD, Davey, it's not what you think."

I actually started laughing, I turned around and walked toward the valet station shaking my head in disbelief.

I turned back toward her and said. "You really need to get better scriptwriters my dear."

Then I exited stage right.

As I was leaving I heard Shithead say. "Who the fuck was THAT Sarah?"

All the way home I was wondering how long THAT had been going on. There had been no signs of trouble, no working late, no nights out with the girls, or unexplained trips.

In fact she had been super loving for the last couple of weeks, which might have been the only possible red flag. She was doubtless feeling guilty.

I hear you asking why I did not immediately challenge Dickbreath to pistols at dawn. That was because I wanted to run a little fidelity test on my wife first. SHE was all I cared about.

If she arrived home shortly after I did, THEN we were going to have a conversation. If she got home tomorrow looking well-fucked I had nothing to say to her.

Plus I had already gotten my electronic hooks set in both of them.

She came out onto the patio exactly a half hour after I got home. She was utterly shamefaced. I was sitting there with a beer in my hand and watching the sun go down.

She had been crying, which was a good sign.

She was wearing a loose fitting grey sweatshirt and sweatpants. It looked like the gear that Rocky wore in the first movie. I was hoping that was where the analogy stopped.

She must have run upstairs to change into something more comfortable before coming out to confront me.

She was so naturally beautiful it took my breath away. I offered her the second beer.