To Have and Have Not

I had gotten both out of the refrigerator when I arrived. It was kind of measuring stick for our marriage.

I wasn't going to take a sip until she got there. And if it was warm and flat, then we had reached the end of the road.

She sat down and stared off into the back yard. It was getting too dark to see her face. I could sense that she was steeling herself.

I was inwardly cringing from what I knew she was going to say. But I tried to look as bland as I could. I was afraid that any agitation on my part would spook her.

I said calmly, "Is there something that you need to tell me Sarah?" My tone of voice conveyed my love and concern.

I could see her make her decision.

She said in a voice so small that I could barely hear her, "I didn't do anything with him YET. But I was going to cheat on you Davey. Tonight was going to be the first night. And it is just tearing me up inside to know that."

That information shot a thunderbolt of angst through me. But I was oddly composed. I think that I had come to some conclusions on the drive back and I wanted to see how it played out.

I sat there looking at her, my expression was deadpan. This was top-stakes poker now

She looked mortified and said, "I got caught up in it. You've seen him. You can imagine the effect that he has on women. Every female at Acme, single or married, was drooling over him.

"He could have had any girl in the Company but he picked me."

That was no surprise. All you had to do was look at Sarah Tyler to know that Mr. Ruffing had excellent taste.

She said, "He romanced me relentlessly at work. Little gifts and constant compliments.

"He was my boss's boss. So nobody questioned him. And his behavior toward me eventually caused an unreal sense of time and place.

"I wasn't just a thirty something married engineer. I was back in high school and the hottest guy in the senior class had picked me to be his girlfriend.

"It was thrilling at some fundamental level of my feminine ego. And every day I walked around on a cloud, basking in the envy of the other ladies.

"I am aware, that the women who were not total fools probably thought that I was a cheating whore. But as far as I was concerned I was the most beautiful girl in the world.

"In the beginning it was just flirtation and lunches. Then about two weeks ago we were coming back from lunch and he made a move on me in the parking lot.

"It was just some simple kissing and a little groping but I didn't say no. The experience was way too exhilarating.

"After a couple of minutes I got my sanity back and broke away from him. I told him that I was married and that I loved YOU not him. I told him that we had crossed the line and it wasn't right.

"But from that day on, every time we went to lunch he kept pushing the boundaries. And I never really redrew the line.

"I am embarrassed to admit that I was afraid he would move on to another girl if I shut him off completely.

"I have a feeling that you sensed something from the way I have been behaving the past couple of weeks. I am normally not THAT insatiable."

I said to myself, "Aha! So it WAS the guilt talking!"

She continued with, "Then this week he managed to get his hand inside my bra and tweak one of my nipples. That almost did it. You know how sensitive my nipples are.

"I would have probably fucked him right there in the front seat except it was the middle of the day and we were in the company parking lot.

"So sanity prevailed one more time. But we were both pretty disheveled.

"He looked at me and I looked at him and God help me but I knew that I was going to fuck him. I love you. You are my whole life. But I just understood that I was going to have this man sometime and somewhere. It was a compulsion.

"Since it would have killed me to hurt you I wanted to do everything I could to ensure that you would never find out. And I planned on making it up to you in every way I could. That was a rationalization. I realize it now.

"I had the seminar scheduled anyhow and so we arranged for him to come down and we would spend the night together.

"Then, if it worked out we would see each other on a very limited and carefully controlled basis.

"It wasn't going to be one of those three times a week in a motel affairs. It would just be once in a while when the time was perfect.

"And it would only be for the sex. He is just THAT gorgeous.

If I had been a dog I would have started a long warning growl at that point.

She looked disgusted and said,"I know how foolish that sounds now, even to me. And all I can say is that I am ashamed that I ever considered it.

"And I swear that I was going to ensure that you would benefit from what I was doing by giving you my extra loving attention. I would deny you nothing and I would seek to make you happier than you had ever been.

"That all sounds incredibly weak, self-centered and delusional now. But that was what I was thinking two seconds before I looked up and saw you.

"Then the reality of what I was doing came tumbling down on me.

"What can I say? I was acting like a giddy teenager. That isn't me. I like to think of myself as a mature and sensible woman. I have no idea what would make me act like that.

"Marlon is a very persuasive man but the fact that I was willing to buy into the things that he said scares me.

"For the entire three hour drive back it was like waking up from a nightmare. I went from dazed and confused to being totally ashamed and embarrassed by my behavior.

"The transition back to myself was like kicking a drug habit. It was physically painful.

"In 3 hours I went from a silly school girl crush, to seeing what I had done in the cold light of common sense. And I was utterly devastated emotionally. The guilt was awful. And I am utterly humiliated.

"I am a realistic person and I should have been able to understand what I was doing. I am so ashamed of myself now. And I pledge to you that I will never be dragged into that kind of behavior again.

"I have told you everything as scrupulously honestly as I can. And all I can do is beg you to forgive me."

It was a relief to some extent to discover that she had not crossed the line into something that would be totally unforgivable.

Yet, the impact of her intention was catastrophic.

Cheating is one of those acts that ends life as you know it.

One minute the days are certain and reliable. And the next second you are switched onto another track entirely. All of your comfortable assumptions and beliefs about the inevitability of things just disappear in a puff of smoke. And you are left as helpless as a newborn.

Sure, there are cowboys who like to move from town to town. But for most of us, a stable marriage is the foundation of your life. Your marriage ensures order in a chaotic world. It gives you a sense of permanence. And it gives you the courage and strength to face things.

That is because you know that, come-what-may you're not alone. You are intimately connected to one special someone. And you can always count on their undivided support and devotion to get you through the tough times.

The physical manifestation of that special connection is the exclusive sexual intimacy that you share. Adultery literally "adulterates" that link. And the consequence of severing that connection is that the two partners find themselves confronting life's adversity totally and utterly alone.

It doesn't matter that the act itself didn't really occur. The intimacy revolves around exclusiveness. And so, the simple INTENTION to step outside of the marriage ALSO impacts your connection.

I didn't blow up.

My daddy was a man's-man. And from the day I was born he drilled into me his belief that any form of emotion was for women. Real men internalized their anger and hurt and never let anybody see them sweat.

That probably explains why he died of a massive heart attack at 58.

Nevertheless by the time he left me I was irrevocably who I was.

I was a picture of calm with a layer of pure ruthlessness underneath.

Sarah felt relieved. I could see it in her face. She had gotten the whole sordid thing out on the table and I had not reacted too badly. Since nothing had really happened she felt like we had moved past it now.

But she had no idea what she had done. I said with infinite sadness, "The fact that you didn't fuck him is immaterial. The important issue is that you were planning to do it. And now that you CLAIM to have broken the spell I only have your word that you will never do it again.

"Harm has been done to our marriage and frankly I don't know how to fix THAT. How do I trust you short of following you around?"

She looked at me with a depth of passion I have never seen in her before and said, "It will be my job to convince you of my fidelity. You will see it in everything I do. I will win your trust back."

I didn't believe a word of that. In my mind, she would go back to buying what Dickhead was selling as soon as she got over the shock of being discovered.

But I always play the long game. Time would have to tell. And I had only seen a few of her cards. I was waiting for them to all get laid down before I placed my bet.

Waiting to see what would happen also had other advantages. Sarah Tyler has a lot to offer a man. And before I made my final decision I was going to take full advantage of that.

So I fucked her like the whore that I now thought she was. It was different and exciting to not give a shit about her pleasure. Even so, she still managed to have three or four orgasms.

Things went wonderfully for the next couple of weeks. She was extra loving in everything she did. We ran together every day and spent the following weekend in the cabin enjoying a very active and imaginative series of romps, among the majesty of nature and the surrounding forest and lakes.

I know that Shithead and Sarah still had contact at work. That was inevitable and impossible to prevent. But she was trying every trick that she could think of to let me know that she was being a good girl.

She realized that lunch was a hot button and so at every practical opportunity during the week she would drive over to meet me at noon.

I was almost convinced that the storm had passed when the little item that I had dropped on their phones cemented their undoing.

It had been lying there dormant waiting to be activated by treachery and it finally caught something of interest.

If Sarah, or Fuckface called each other I was the man-in-the-middle. In essence, what I had installed in both of their phones was like an old fashioned party line. If they talked to each other I could listen in. I even had the thing set to record any calls between them that I might have missed.

Of course I missed the calls that led to their ultimate downfall. That's how things roll with me.

Sarah had begun to convince me that her bout of temporary insanity was just that; temporary. And I had started thinking of her as my loving wife again. So after a while I stopped paying as much attention to the bug.

Then one hot sunny Thursday in August I noticed that I had three recordings.

The first was the usual feeling-out that any predator does when he is getting back to his prey after being chased off.

I heard him say, "Sarah, this is Marlon, Hi. I just wanted to see how you are doing."

She said, "Marlon, why are you calling? I thought I told you to never contact me for personal matters. I nearly lost my marriage thanks to our indiscretion and I don't want to ever go there again."

Fuckface said heartily, "Oh come on now! We didn't do anything for you to lose your marriage over.

"If your husband is so insecure that he thinks that just talking to another man is an indiscretion then he needs psychiatric help. I am your friend and I am concerned about you."

She chuckled ruefully, "Well you should be. My marriage to Davey is my most important asset and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize it.

"And he is a lot smarter than you give him credit for. He saw right through our little adventure."

Asshat said, "We didn't do anything for you to be ashamed of. It was just two good friends together for an afternoon. Maybe we can do that again sometime. You know I have never met a woman who I was so attracted to."

Sarah said, "That's very flattering Marlon but you really need to find another woman to bother. I am not interested in messing up my life because you are attracted to me. Now don't call me again."

She hung up on him at that point. Good girl!!

I was thinking, "This guy is a master of seduction." He had planted all of the classic seeds of doubt. And my guess was that he would be around in a couple of days to see how they had grown.

He had made the case that their relationship was platonic and friendly, not hot and tawdry. He had laid out the idea that I was a jealous weenie. And he had stroked her ego big-time.

Having done the groundwork, the next call got down to the nuts and bolts.

He said in a voice dripping with fake sincerity, "Sarah, I have been thinking about our relationship and we really need to talk. I miss what we had together and I want to try to work something out where I can share some of your time.

"You are a lovely, wonderful lady and being around you makes me happy. Couldn't you spare me at least ONE lunch so we can just talk?"

She said, "How many times do I have to tell you. Davey does not want me spending ANY time with you. He couldn't be any clearer about that.

"If I as much as met you for a conversation in the middle of the Capitol square I would be violating the promise that I made to him. So please don't ask me to do this."

Dickhead said, "I am sorry to hear that you are such a submissive person. I thought you were an enlightened woman who did not live under the thumb of a man."

She said with some heat, "That's not it at all and you know it. We had an emotional affair and almost a physical one and Davey knows what might happen if we started seeing each other again. Even if our intentions were strictly platonic."

Shithead said with considerable pompous indignation, "Now that is REALLY insulting. Do you mean to tell me that he doesn't think that you can control yourself when you are around me?

"I KNOW that you are stronger than that my dear. I TRULY believe in you.

"How is a little conversation over lunch going to hurt anybody? And I would really like to see you some place where we can talk about things besides work. Your thoughts and feelings mean a lot to me and we really had some good times together."

That did it. Her voice softened a bit. She said, "We DID have good times didn't we?" The yearning came through loud and clear.

He said, "We sure did. And I don't want it to stop. Just say you'll have lunch with me and we can talk about ways we could spend more time together and not threaten your husband. I don't know why he is so insecure anyhow. But I will respect his wishes. I just want to see you again."

Either the fucker didn't understand the paradox of respecting my wishes while romancing my wife, or he was intentionally ignoring it. My money was on the latter explanation.

She said, with wistfulness in her voice, "Let me see what I can do. But it has to JUST be lunch. Absolutely nothing more!!"

That lunch was simply not going to happen. I was going to confront her with the evidence and I didn't care whether she knew I had Bluebugged her or not. Violations of trust go both ways and her sin was a lot more mortal than mine.

Nevertheless, I still had one additional short message to hear.

It was a ten second phone call from him to her. He said, "Let's meet at Vilas Park. I'll be there at noon. The weather is wonderful. We can sit outside and talk. I'll bring a picnic and we can reminisce. I really miss you."

The timestamp said today. My watch said that it was 12:30 in the afternoon.

A picnic huh!? Prone on a blanket in some secluded spot in that big park. That didn't sound very platonic to me.

I thought, "Well what the fuck! May as well have it out in person."

I was not going to just sit home and wring my hands waiting until she came back to tell me all about it.

Her Thunderbird was in the parking lot. So she was still there. It was parked next to a white Jag XJ. Of course Fuckface would be driving a motorized penis like that.

I had no idea where they were. I imagined that they would go somewhere private. So I walked toward the trees at the back of the lot. There were people off to my left in the main part of the Park and I didn't think Fuckface would take her there.

There was a woods in front of me. And it would be quiet and secluded. It was a perfect place for a tryst.

I walked slowly in that direction looking around for them. Vilas is a big place and I would probably have never found them except she moaned.

Sarah gets very loud when she is aroused.

I homed in on that sound like I was a Sidewinder Missile and it was a MIG 25 exhaust.

They were back some way under the trees, lying on a spread out blanket. It was still a bit public but if you got caught up in things it was sufficient.

He had her blouse open and her bra pushed up while he worked on a nipple with his lips.

She had him by the back of his head plastering his face against her delectable right breast while she moaned and thrashed her legs.

She was cupping and manipulating the other tit with her left hand, which is something that she does when her motor is really revving.

At the same time she was panting and moaning over and over, "Noooooo Please!! Oh God Noooooo!!"

I walked right up to them taking pictures all the way. I wonder how people ever recorded visual images before cellphone cameras were invented.

Our marriage really didn't matter at that point. And like I said, I hold it in. So I stopped next to them and said very conversationally, "How was lunch?"

It took a second for my voice to register with them. Then they both nearly jumped out of their skin.

He scrambled ungracefully to his feet zipping his pants up. It looked like he had just been clearing the decks for stage two of the operation.

Even though he was taller he looked terrified. It was probably the homicide that he saw in my eyes.

She opened HER eyes dreamily and then did the same shock and horror thing she had done the month before.

She shrieked, yanked her bra back down over her exposed tits, and began to cry.

She jumped to her feet and tried to come to me. I backed away from her and held her by the shoulders to prevent that.

I looked her squarely in the eye and said in what I hoped was a casual tone of voice, "Sorry about the interruption. You can go back to what you were doing now, since you are no longer married to ME."

And I turned and walked back toward the car.

Different people have different strategies about ways to hurt people. I didn't care about Asshat. I had already set in motion the long-term consequences for him. Costs that I hoped would make him wish he had never been born.

The pictures I had taken were just a bonus.

I know Sarah though. And I knew that turning my back and walking away from her like I had just done was the worst possible thing that I could do.

She doesn't handle guilt well anyway. And telling her that her marriage was over would crush her.

I also knew that she was going to run to try to catch me to "explain." But she had to button up her blouse first. So I had almost made it to the car before she reached me.

I thought it was Shithead. Her arrival was that violent.

She was trying to throw her arms around me to make me stop. She was sobbing hysterically against my back.

I stood stock still and said in my most reasonable tones, "We can talk about this at home. Now let go of me."