To Have and Have Not

I could feel her willing her arms to part.

I got into the car, still calm, cool and collected, and thought, "Thanks Dad!"

She was standing there looking totally defeated. Good!!

I was busy in the 10 minutes that it took her to join me at home. The thing that we kept doing with phased arrivals after my discovering her clandestine affairs was getting to be a travesty.

She had put herself back together and she looked like my wife again.

I was sitting on the patio just staring into the trees at the back of our yard. She sat down timorously in her chair.

She said, "I am so, so, sorry. I was just going to meet him for lunch. I went so I could reinforce the fact that he needed to stay away. And I got caught up again."

I knew that was total bullshit because I had seen the outcome of THAT conversation.

I said, "That's odd because I could have sworn it was because you wanted to figure out some way to spend more time together." And I pushed the play button.

She listened to the whole thing getting paler and paler. She knew that there was no point in any further argument.

If I had confronted them at a Panera, our ability to "talk it out" would be severely limited.

Because I had discovered them with her nipple in his mouth there was no question about what had to happen next.

I said, "I get it, you can't stay away from him. He's a hellishly attractive guy and he has a great line of bullshit.

"Problem is that I had a hard time justifying staying with you after your FIRST exploit. Now I absolutely can't trust you. And I never will. You tried and you failed.

"That is no way to run a marriage. So here is what I am going to do. I am going to move out. And we are going to get the quickest, simplest divorce possible.

"I just want to warn you that your boyfriend's divorce will probably take a little longer. His wife sounded like she was going to roast him over a slow spit."

Sarah was thunderstruck. She said, "Marlon is married??!!"

I thought what is it with this woman!!? Is she THAT naïve?

I said, "Of COURSE he's married, three cute little kids too. Don't you ever use Facebook?"

She just sat there looking like a wax figure.

I said, "Anyhow, while I was driving to the Park I mailed the clip you just heard to his wife. That was before I discovered how bad it REALLY was.

"I don't know what she is going to do when she sees these pictures."

And I flipped through the series I had shot while I was walking up to the happy couple.

I thought the photography was excellent and you can't beat 1080p for getting the definition right. It was unquestionably old Marlon busily sucking on Sarah's right tit while he groped his way down her stomach toward her pussy.

I said, "I also mailed this to the CEO at Acme under the subject line, 'This is what your employees do on their lunch hour.'

"I don't think it will affect you since you are the underling; in more ways than one.

"But this isn't going to advance Mr. Ruffing's career."

Your CEO and I are going to discuss it tomorrow over our OWN lunch. It will be stimulating in a different kind of way though. Don't worry. My one condition will be that you are not affected professionally.

"Not so sure about your boyfriend though."

She was looking at me like a bird hypnotized by a snake muttering over-and-over in a ghostly voice, "He's not my boyfriend."

I said, "You can stay here at the house. I am going to live at the cabin until I get a place.

I loved you absolutely and unconditionally. And I don't think that I deserved this.

Don't try to fight the divorce and don't ever talk to me again. You owe me that."

With that I stood and walked to the door. I had already stashed my roller bag and my suit carrier there.

I turned to her one last time. She was sobbing loudly, slumped in her chair with her head on her arms.

I almost felt sorry for her. She was vulnerable in one area and she had run into a predator capable of exploiting that weakness.

It was too bad that real-men are not allowed to cry or I would have joined her in her grief. I reached back and closed the door on the happiest period of my life.

----

That door was shut tight over two years ago. But the sense of loss was never far from me. And it was the reason why I hated any form of extramarital hijinks, and the stupid people who perpetrate them.

I had arranged to have Ruffing fired with derogatory references as a condition of not going forward with a suit against Acme.

They were very cooperative. They knew that I had them over a barrel. And the way their CEO reacted to my pictures convinced me that he would have done it anyhow.

I also secured their iron-clad assurance that none of the stink would come back on Sarah.

I still loved the silly bitch and I wanted her to have a normal life. Losing her job would kill her. And her NOT losing her job would kill Ruffing.

For the first year the unadulterated loneliness and the deep feelings of longing for my ex-wife nearly destroyed me.

You never think about the empty eternity that follows a divorce. That was especially true at Christmas. But I always had my old man's voice reminding me to suck-it-up.

I threw myself into my teaching and writing and managed to produce two new books. Which is remarkable in that short a space.

They were very well received in the small group that I call my peers. Nobody gets rich in the professional book trade. There just isn't a wide enough audience. But I was in it for ego and reputation, not money. And you have to publish, or perish. My subsequent promotion to Full Professor proved that.

Asshat reconciled. His wife thought that the evidence was damning. But that it didn't justify the death of their marriage. And of course, they DID have three cute little kids to consider.

He never actually fucked Sarah and he is extremely good looking. So, his line of bullshit got him out of hot water one more time.

On the other hand, I imagine the wife kept him on a very short leash. The woman sounded like she took no prisoners. And since she was the one with the money now, my guess was that Dickface would not stray far from home and if he ever did she would have him fixed.

Some of the more visceral types would have probably gone after the asshole in a dark alley. But you have to be part of my world to appreciate why what I had done to him was a whole LOT more satisfying than a couple of cracked ribs.

He didn't work in a blue collar trade, where the reason why you left your last job doesn't make much of a difference. He was in a position of trust in upper management.

And there is nothing like being fired over a sexual harassment complaint to hold down your long-term career prospects.

His total unemployability robbed him of any hope for the rest of his life, which to a classic high achiever was as close as you could come to literally cutting off his balls. And he knew who had done it and why.

THAT was the gift that just kept on giving.

I had no idea what happened to Sarah. She is beautiful, intelligent and clever and I am sure that there were plenty of men waiting to take my place.

She had attempted to "explain" things to me for over a year. But that ship had already sailed. I had no desire to beat her up any further.

She knew what she had done. And we had BOTH paid the price. That was immutable fact. So the only thing I was going to get out of any further discussion was more grief.

I tried to lead a normal social life. I am not bad looking and I am a bit of a star in a hot field. So I had my pick of the area women.

Over the ensuing two years I had dated quite a few interesting and very lovely ladies. But there was absolutely no chemistry.

And frankly Sarah had more-or-less gelded me. I still loved her to death and she was the only woman I ever wanted in that way.

I quickly discovered that without the sex there were no long-term prospects with any of those women. Modern girls expect to be taken care of at the end of the evening.

It bothered me that I had no lustful urges. But the only way you can change biology is through your head. And I was not going to discuss my problems with a shrink. THAT was weakness. And my dad wouldn't allow it.

But then again, the woman walking out of the Fairmont with me was more compelling than any female I had ever known.

Marigold had bailed when we had, leaving the boys to their monkey business. And incidentally also sticking them with the check.

She looked totally pleased with herself.

Looking at her I felt my interest rise, along with something else. My little voice looked amused and said, "Welcome back."

She was an incomparable creature. She just glittered when she walked. She was beauty, intelligence and strength of character wrapped in a matchless package.

And she conveyed incredible sexuality in the swaying of those big muscular buns and the swish of those impossibly long legs.

When we got to the curb she turned to me and said with utter confidence, "Let's talk at the Mark Hopkins? I'm staying there."

The Mark was across the street and the Top of the Mark has been an institution in San Francisco since FDR.

I looked at Bernie. He said, "I'm tired and I'm going back. But you two go ahead. You can fill me in on the details at breakfast."

Then he hailed a cab. I got the distinct impression he was setting me up. As I said, Bernie looks out for me like a brother.

I looked at her and said, "One quick drink at the Top and I'm going to join him."

We rode up in the elevator, keeping a modest distance. The perfume that she was wearing was another one of her shamelessly expensive weapons. And it was driving me nuts. I am sure the pheromones she was exuding would have had the same wicked effect on any OTHER male standing within ten feet of her.

The lady was pulling me in like she had her own gravity and I was fighting it because she scared the shit out of me.

She was an incredibly beautiful and sexually alluring woman, with a force-of-nature personality that gave me no doubt why she was such a high flying executive.

And she seemed to have deliberately selected me for some additional attention. I do not believe in coincidences.

We got a table by the window and I looked out over the City below. San Francisco is amazing in any weather. But on a night when the fog rolls in, the view from 19 floors above Nob hill is beyond special.

She fixed me with those huge intelligent cat eyes and said, "What happened to you? I have never seen so much hurt on anyone's face than when those two morons started their juvenile little pussy hunt."

I said, "That is absolutely nothing I will EVER talk about. Are you married? I don't see any rings. Or are you just single when you are out of town?"

Being an asshole is a tactic that I have adopted with sympathetic women. It keeps them at bay. I detest any form of warmth, or compassion from them. It hurts too much.

She laughed out loud. It was a hearty laugh, like a man's. She said, "Excellent comeback. I can see that somebody really fucked you over.

"And to answer your question I am 37 years old. I have never been married. I like variety. There are too many men and there is WAY too little time."

She favored me with a look that was so hot my acrylic socks nearly melted.

She added, "I have never known a man I could respect enough to play wife to. And most of the men I meet don't want to be MY wife.

"Even though some occasionally DO like being tied up and dominated." Another flirty smile.

"So I have affairs, sometimes long, sometimes one-night.

"I am a Senior Partner at a Big Four firm. I make more money in one month than you probably earn in a year. So I don't need a man for anything but sweaty recreation.

"And I am never lonely. This ensures that I have companionship whenever I desire it," And she gestured dramatically down the length of that remarkable face and body.

"If I am interested in a guy, I fuck him. That fulfils my needs and I have never had a customer complain. So why would I tie myself to the whims and interests of one man when there are so many to meet and experience?

"I don't toss the word "hypocrite" around lightly and I can tell by the look on your face what you are thinking. So let me clarify something for you.

"If a man acts like I do, his buddies call him a stud. He gets congratulations. If a woman acts the same way, men call her a slut. And she gets burned at the stake. Which is the typical condescending attitude of a male dominated culture.

"So let me assure you. I am selective in who I choose to fuck, and I practice safe sex when I do.

"I harm nobody. My partners all know the rules up-front. And I never stray into somebody else's marriage. I like romance with my sex. Even if that is for just one night. And I am faithful to the person I am fucking until I move on.

"I lead my life independent of the constraints of anybody else. And I am a very happy person.

"Is that open enough for you cowboy?"

Her incredible eyes bored into me, "NOW, who hurt you like that?"

She was stunning in the dim light of the cocktail lounge. Her superb features were serene and her extraordinary body very relaxed, like a big cat at rest. The physical and psychic power absolutely radiated off of her.

The fog was covering everything below us in an unreal shroud of grey. It was like reality was shifting and I was being transported into a mystical universe. I had never imagined that a stranger could be so enthralling.

My only thought was, "This woman's beauty is almost divine."

Suddenly I felt COMPELLED to tell her everything about my marriage, and how it had come to an end. It was an inexplicable desire to unburden myself. It was like the woman was exercising some kind of supernatural power over me.

I told her about our wonderful life together. That is, until Sarah's unholy attraction to Shithead.

I told her about his almost seducing her at the conference in Chicago. She nodded like she had suspected something like that. It clarified why I had such a marked aversion to socializing with those assholes at the Fairmont.

I told her about Sarah's heartbreakingly unsuccessful attempt to stay on the straight and narrow. Finally, I told her in great exacting detail about how my wife had fallen off it and how I had reacted to that.

She sat back and looked disapproving. It was a surprising reaction.

She said, "Let me get this straight? You found some stud sucking your wife's tit. And because of that you threw away nine years of happy marriage and a woman who apparently loved you to death?

"Seriously??!! Nobody is THAT stupid."

Now it was my turn to be puzzled. I said with some indignation, "What ELSE could I do? I could never trust her again. She knew what she had to do and she failed. Once a cheater, always a cheater."

She was looking at me like she couldn't believe what a moron I was. That look would have been insulting if it had come from a normal person. Coming from this almost unreal being it set my hair on fire. There was suddenly not enough oxygen in the room.

She paused like she was going to ask a profound question.

Then she said, "Do you act like you did when you were a pimply faced teenager?"

THAT was right out of left field!

I spluttered, "Of course not!"

She said, "Why not?"

I said, "Because I grew up. You learn from your mistakes. You can only hit your thumb so many times before you decide to pound the nail right."

She said, "So you changed your behavior over time based on feedback you got from life?"

I didn't like where this was going one bit. She was making me sound like an idiot.

I said with some heat, "Curing a married woman of the tendency to cheat is not the same as me learning self-control."

She looked at me like I was too dumb to be allowed out in public.

She said, "Really!!? You REALLY believe that?!! In both cases it is PRECISELY a matter of self-control. Tell me how either case is different."

I thought for a second. She had a point.

I said, "Well, I guess they basically aren't. It is just that my learning to be less impulsive was an inevitable side-effect of me maturing. Whereas Sarah WAS already mature, but she still made the wrong choice.

Then I thought about it some more.

I said, "Of course she didn't really know what it was going to cost her. You won't do the crime if you can't do the time. And Sarah is a smart girl. She might have thought twice about ever meeting the dude again if she knew that the penalty was the death of or marriage."

The goddess across the table looked at me like she thought that I might have an intelligent bone in my body after all.

She said, "It is just a matter of choice, once you understand the price. You weigh the costs and choose the option that offers the greatest personal benefit.

"Nothing is EVER completely black, or white. There are always tradeoffs. But no SANE person makes a cognizant decision to do something that they know for sure will be self-destructive.

"That applies to her deciding not to stray exactly as much as your decision to act like a grownup. Although I am beginning to wonder about you.

"Your wife put herself in that situation because she did not fully appreciate what would happen to her if she did.

"She was obviously into the guy. That kind of subliminal attraction happens between men and woman all the time.

"I am sure you are attracted in a sexual way to women you meet so you have to understand that. You just never acted on it. That was a conscious choice on your part."

I TOTALLY understood that. I'm human and a male. What she was talking about happens to me three or four times at an average cocktail party.

But of course we all follow civilized rules of engagement. So nothing ever happens.

But then again, none of the women I have ever been attracted to have tried to seduce me with the degree of remorselessness that Shithead had devoted to pursuing Sarah.

I wondered how I would have reacted if a particularly tempting woman had actually tried to do that."

It was clear that Fuckface had unrelentingly romanced my wife. And if the effort is THAT persistent it is hard to keep saying "no", especially if it comes in a package as good-looking as Mr. Marlon Shithead.

I suppose that, given enough time and subtle persuasion it is possible to get confused about how the rules apply. Particularly if you are able to convince yourself that whatever you are doing won't hurt anybody.

The goddess had seen the dawning comprehension in my face and said with some approval in her voice, "Did you ever tell her directly, I am going to divorce you if I catch you with this guy again?"

She said, "It is one thing to tell somebody, 'Don't pick up that snake' and another thing to tell them, if you pick up that rattlesnake it will kill you."

Now it was my turn to look at her like she was an idiot.

I said, "Of COURSE not. It never crossed my mind to tell her THAT. I shouldn't have HAD to. I never thought to tell Sarah what would happen if she strayed. Because, I just naturally assumed that she knew what the REAL cost was."

"It's simple common sense. She should have understood what would happen if I caught her with him again. I shouldn't have had to spell it out for her."

The goddess gave me an ipso-facto look, like I had just pled guilty. And she said, "So she DIDN'T know that she was crossing some absolute line when she arranged to meet this guy." I felt a lump rise in my throat.

She said, "Do you seriously think that she would have met him under any circumstances if she knew that it would end her marriage?"

I bowed my head in defeat. I knew that Sarah wouldn't have. She's not stupid. And she obviously valued our marriage. She had said as much to Dickbreath over the phone.