To Have and Have Not

I was thinking about how I was going to reconnect with Sarah. I obviously couldn't just call her up and say, "What's happenin' babe?"

Our parting had been unpleasant. And for two solid years I had kept a Chinese wall between us.

So, I was pretty certain that if I just appeared unannounced at her doorstep there wouldn't be much conversation with HER. On the other hand, I might be having some with the police.

The best approach had to be face-to-face. That way I could read her facial expressions and I would be able to better navigate around the no-doubt serious stumbling blocks she would throw up.

I was absolutely NOT expecting to reconcile. Too much water had flowed over the dam for that. But I WAS hoping that I could lay all of the latent resentment and anger to rest.

More honestly, I felt like I had to get my OWN happy ending. NO, not THAT kind!! I just wanted to feel like I had said my piece, so that I could move on into the future.

For all I knew Sarah was married. I was certain that she had a man, or maybe MANY men in her life. She is the most attractive woman I have ever known. I didn't count Marigold since I wasn't sure that she was actually human.

It seemed to me that the most stress-free way to own up to things would be in a public place, like a restaurant, or a bar. I felt like she would be more at ease if there were a lot of people around. And I was counting on the public setting to prevent her from causing a scene.

The last time I had seen her she was sobbing her heart out. But she might have turned vindictive in the succeeding two years. I really didn't blame her. God knows I had given her enough reason. I had been a ruthless, hard-hearted bastard to her.

Consequently, I knew that approaching her after all this time was going to seem suspect. But I couldn't think of any other way to do it. I had to get my apology accepted so that I could lay that part of my life to rest.

I didn't need to physically stalk her to get all of the information I needed. The internet provided that. People who are comfortable in the deepweb can find out anything. And I am a master of that art. So I knew a bunch of things by the time I went to bed that night.

And bedtime came early because I had spent the previous night being killed by Marigold Wilson.

Sarah was still at the same address and nobody else was living there. So she was still single and living alone. That didn't mean that she was not entertaining nightly visitors. But she did not have a significant other actually living in-house.

I don't know why but I found that insight deeply satisfying. Maybe she was having as much difficulty as I was getting past our divorce.

I also knew that she was still at ACME but she had since been promoted to a senior project manager position. So I had not poisoned the well too badly for her. That also pleased me.

Shithead was living in Boston now. Apparently that is where his wife's people were from. So, he was living under his wife's thumb. How delightful!

In my explorations I found out that Sarah was on the Board of a group that promoted science and engineering jobs for women. That made perfect sense. She is an engineer and she has always been a giver.

More importantly, that group was holding a dinner dance, fund raiser at the end of the week.

My-My! How fortuitous!

Five minutes and a credit card got me a seat at the table. And better yet it was black tie. I love black tie. I know I'm not Bond - James Bond. But I like to dress like him any chance I get.

The event was at the Maple Bluff Country Club which was only about 15 minutes from my place. Maple Bluff is a relatively posh place for the golfing set. I have no interest in that pastime and so I had no reason to visit it. But I had to admit that the Club was a pretty impressive venue as I pulled into the valet station in my Evoque.

I had purchased a Range Rover Evoque after the divorce. No Jags for me. I don't buy a car to serve as a single man's security blanket. I wanted the Evoque's luxurious muscle and I like to go against the grain anyhow.

The valet approved of my car. Most of them do.

Sarah's group had rented the building pretty-much in its entirety. I saw a number of people I knew as I wandered around with a scotch-rocks in my hand. They all greeted me with diffidence. I did not need to be an expert in human relations to understand the reason why.

Sarah must be there with another impossibly handsome stud and they were all anticipating a problem.

They didn't need to worry. I wasn't close to over her. But I also understood that our divorce was my choice and I kept telling myself that I needed to be a man and accept that she had moved on.

I finally saw them out on the patio. They seemed to have their own little circle around them. I walked up to the fringe of the group.

Sarah was in a form fitting evening dress in deep blue. Her hourglass figure was on display in a very stylish manner. And her black hair and smooth dusky skin contrasted with the blue of the dress and the almost matching blue of her eyes.

Her date was my height but he looked like a male model and he was perhaps five years younger than both of us.

He had that constant three day growth that all of the young studs sport, thick blond hair and he was perfectly fit in a slim, "can wear anything", kind of way.

He was looking at her adoringly. Her eyes were sparkling with her usual good humor and wit.

She was the very pinnacle of a late thirties professional woman, elegant, beautiful and totally self-possessed.

That was until she locked eyes with me.

I had carefully donned good old affable Davey Tyler, the man everybody wants to have a beer with. I was desperately projecting amicability, forthrightness, and unqualified good spirit.

It didn't work.

The glass slipped through her fingers and hit the patio stones. Everybody looked at her startled. She put her hand over her mouth, which is one of her characteristic gestures when she is stressed. And I saw utter anguish in her eyes.

I knew I had my work cut out for me.

I said as calmly as I could, just radiating sociability, "Hello Sarah, I wanted to come over and offer you my best."

She was still recovering as a couple of the women in her group were bent over picking up the glass.

I said, continuing to sound as calm and non-threatening as I could, "This is a wonderful event and I wanted to lend my support to it. I hope you don't mind."

That was not as conceited a statement as it might sound. Given my reputation, my presence at ANY technology event WAS a big deal.

Then I turned to the man who Sarah was with and stuck out my hand, "Davey." He took it warily and said, "Steven - Sarah has told me a lot about you."

I said smiling, "Don't you believe a word of it. I am only a MEDIUM sized asshole."

He chuckled. We were on friendly terms.

In the meantime Sarah had gotten her composure back.

She said, "Davey, what are you doing here? I thought you were out in San Francisco."

I wondered how she knew that.

I said, "I got back two nights ago. You know how much I am into women in engineering as a cause.

This event has been on my calendar since it was scheduled. I am surprised to see YOU here though."

That was an ass-covering lie but things were going so well I wanted to keep the momentum going.

She said, "I have volunteered a lot since..." And she couldn't say it.

She covered with, "Since I got my promotion."

I said affableness just dripping off me, "Well that is certainly decent of you. I wish I had the time."

I turned to Steven and said, "What do you do? He said, "I'm a third year surgical resident at the University of Wisconsin Hospital."

Well-well-well! A male model AND a surgeon too. I moved his age back another five years. Sarah must like them young and frisky.

Of course a beauty like hers could attract any man from age 18 to 88.

I said breezily, "I just wanted to say hello. I hope I see you two around. Now I need a refill."

And I turned and sauntered back toward the bar. As I did that I dialed the psychic deflector shields back down from DEFCON One to Three.

The momentary flash of anguish and loss in her eyes was disquieting.

I continued to loiter around the event because I was there to ask Sarah if she would condescend to meet and talk with me. I was worried that her response to ANY request like that would be personally humiliating. So I wanted to do the asking where the fewest number of people could witness it.

The problem was that she and her date danced the night away. Her arms were always around his neck squashing those gorgeous pillow-tits into his chest. His hands were on the rise just above her jutting buns. Sometimes they would slip a little lower to cup her to him.

They kissed deeply and romantically after the slow dances. Of course it was killing me. But I had to hang in there.

I would never get a better chance to build the bridge to the next part of my life. And in the meantime, if I had to endure THAT agonizing spectacle then so-be-it.

I was waiting for Steven to take a bathroom break. He might be an ideal specimen but even perfect people have to pee once in a while don't they?

I was not planning on dancing but women kept asking me. The last thing I wanted to do was go out on the dance floor right next to the loving couple. But I also wanted to be polite.

I was sitting at the table cooling off after a long pas-de-deux with a charming little elf of a blond woman when I sensed a female presence.

She was standing there looking as soft and gorgeous as I had ever remembered her.

She said, "You danced with everybody else tonight. How about a dance with me. Just for old time's sake."

At last!!

I grinned at her and said, "I would love it!" And I held out my arms ballroom style.

We must have looked like a throwback to the Arthur Murray era. But I wanted this to be as non-sexual a moment as possible. She was getting plenty of the other kind of dancing from her date.

She came into my arms and I could feel the electricity. She felt it too. She gave a little gasp and stared to quiver.

We started out with a modest amount of distance between us. But she stepped into me and I could feel those big tits moving around on my chest. She rested her head on my shoulder and I could smell the perfume of her gorgeous hair. It was a heavenly sensation.

As we danced she continued to gasp. It sounded like a sob.

From somewhere buried in my chest I heard a tiny voice say, "What happened to us Davey?"

I said, "I was a fool Sarah. I know it now and I was hoping you could give me an hour of your time to confess my sins."

She reared her head back. There were tears in her eyes. She said, "Tonight was no accident was it?"

I said, "No it wasn't but I couldn't think of any other way to approach you in a nonthreatening manner. I just wanted to have a moment to talk with you."

God! I sounded EXACTLY like Dickhead.

So I quickly added, "There is nothing implied. I want to get a few things off my chest so I can move on."

She said, "I have wanted to do that since we split up. We never really got closure. How about tomorrow for dinner, 6:00? You can pick me up.

Then she added with sarcasm in her voice, "I think you know how to find the place."

We both smiled. Even in a moment that intense she could find the humor.

I said, "I'll see you then. In the meantime I am leaving after this dance."

It was clear to both of us WHY I was leaving. I couldn't stand to see her romantically involved with another man.

My imagination was running riot all night, thinking about what they were doing and how many times they were doing it.

I kept telling myself, "That's none of your business. You have no claim on her. You gave THAT away."

I knocked on her door promptly at six. She greeted me in a figure hugging little black dress that nearly blew me off the porch.

She had gotten even more incredible looking in the past two years. Her boobs were bigger, if that was even possible, and her waist and hips were slimmer. She had made up her exquisite face so that all of her best features were highlighted.

I was thinking she actually has a beauty to rival the matchless allure of the sublime Marigold.

She said, "You really didn't have to knock. It was your house for a lot more years than we have been apart."

I said calmly, "It's just yours now."

I had meant that to be a self-effacing statement, not a shot at her, but her eyes teared up.

I tried to backpedal. I said, "So are you ready to have that dinner and talk?"

She brightened and said with a little extra spirit, "Yes sir I AM!"

The last thing I wanted to do was to make it look like I was romancing her. That was not the point at all. And even though there are a million great places in Madison I wanted somewhere familiar to close the circle. Sort of a good luck charm so to speak.

I think she got the idea about where I was headed as I turned off of Langdon Street. She said with wonder in her voice, "You're taking me to the Memorial Union Terrace?"

I said with a laugh, "It's where it all started. It just seems like the only place to go to get closure. Plus I like the beer and brats."

She laughed merrily and hugged my arm. She said, "You're right. It's perfect!"

Then she realized what she had done and she slid hastily over to the other side of the Rover.

She said, "I'm sorry Davey. That was totally inappropriate."

I said, "No it isn't. My main aim, besides getting a few things that I have to say off my chest, is to try to rebuild my friendship with you. You were always my best friend and I miss that."

She looked out the side window. I knew it was to hide the fact that she was crying.

I had to get the light mood back. So I said breezily, "So how are things at work. I hear you got a promotion.

She said, still sadly, "Yes, I am the lead engineer there. I am responsible for all product development and testing. It makes for a much longer day but it is something I can throw myself into. I see you have two new books so you must be just as busy."

I said, "I HAVE been trying to keep active. It takes my mind off of things."

DAMN! Was I born stupid or did I go to school to learn to be that dumb!

She went back to staring glumly out the window.

We walked out on the terrace. Sarah in a black dress and me in a sport coat, tie and khakis stood out among the normal denizens of the place like a couple of poodles at a cat show.

OUR table was empty. We sat down over a pitcher of beer. With its fresh breeze and the setting sun it really was a lovely place to sit on a beautiful evening in Wisconsin. She looked striking.

Regret was gnawing at my stomach but I had to put that behind me.

I was trying to keep my speech as straightforward and simple as possible. I looked at her. She was looking back at me with something mysterious in her eyes.

I thought to myself, take a deep breath my boy and just begin.

I said, "I recently had a bit of an epiphany and I need to get a few things off my chest. I hope you take this in the spirit that it is offered.

"I don't want to stir up painful memories but I DO need to explain. And once I do that I can move on with the rest of my life."

She looked attentive, but there was also anguish there.

I said, "First, I want to apologize for abandoning you like I did. We should have talked about it before I just dropped the hammer on you. It was stupid and cruel of me to do that."

She went back to teary eyed.

I said, "I have grown as a man and I realize that a lot of what happened was caused by my own personal insecurities.

"I am not absolving you of any blame. But you were relatively honest with me, with a few glaring exceptions, and I owed you a final chance to explain yourself.

"I know that what I witnessed to the point where I blew up our marriage was really not grounds for a divorce. It was a case of me cringing before I got hit

"Simply running away like I did was not a very manly thing for me to do. Your love was precious to me. I should have fought for it, tried to change your mind, done anything other than just cut and run.

"So I want to apologize for my treatment of you and ask you to forgive me. Our marriage was a lot more precious to me than I might have indicated by my actions."

Her eyes were shining with tears.

I said, "So can you ever see your way clear to granting me a pardon Governor? The guilt has been killing me. I thought I was being noble and principled but what I was really doing was giving away the most prized part of my life, YOU."

I added with my legendary lopsided grin, "I see you have found some way to get over the things that this foolish guy did to you. Steven certainly seems like a catch."

She said harshly, "Steven is wonderful. He has all of the energy of a kid and I just love what he does to me."

That spiked my jealousy off the end of the chart. It showed in my face.

Her face crumbled. She said, "I'm sorry Davey, I know that was a cruel shot. I just can't get over how much you hurt me.

"You will always be the only man I have ever loved and I get furious when I think about how we could have possibly fucked it up so badly that we are no longer together.

"I know I did some really stupid things. I am not going to try to justify them."

I said, "You never did anything worthy of the death penalty. It was the intention not the act that I was reacting to.

"With all that we meant to each other I should have tried harder to keep you after that day in the park. And I should have let you explain. That was simple arrogance on my part. I was sure I knew better."

She said, "What you saw was exactly what you think. Marlon is a master of seduction. He had a picnic and a blanket with him when I arrived. So obviously you have to go somewhere to spread it out.

"Since I was really only there to emphasize one last time that he had to stay away from me I wanted a quiet place to do the talking."

I still wasn't sure that I believed that. But it was ancient history. The ensuing two years had made it seem like the whole sordid thing had taken place in Imperial Rome.

And anyhow, whatever she actually intended there was no harm done since I had broken it up before Dickhead even got a finger in her.

She said, "It was stupid to let him lead me there. I knew I still wanted him. But I thought I was strong enough to just say "no".

"I didn't expect him to jump me like he did. The minute we sat down he started kissing me passionately. It caught me totally off guard and all of my resolve just flew out the window.

"It hadn't been five minutes before you walked up but I probably would have fucked him. So I am more to blame than you are. I deserved what you did to me.

"I would have been unfaithful. I just didn't fully appreciate the consequences when I put myself there.

"Once I knew the cost it was too late. I guess I just counted on you loving me enough to get past it. I know now that was a painfully selfish and extremely adolescent point of view."

I said with considerable emotion in my voice, "If I had known what you just told me it would not have been too late.

"But I had already embarked on my quest to hurt you. My only aim was to be as mean to you as possible. You had hurt me and I wanted you to feel worse.

"Looking at you right now it breaks my heart that we are not together. We had everything and then just threw it away. I absolutely wish you the best in your life and I'm truly sorry. I will love you forever"

I had said my piece. And it was to the best of my ability. I suddenly DID feel a whole lot better. And I was ready to move on. I thought to myself, "Thank you Marigold."