To Have and to Cuckold Pt. 02

I had to adjust to the new feeling of sliding in and out of her hole. It was like velvet was rubbing my shaft. I wanted to make this last for her, but my control was slowly slipping away.

Her breathing quickened and her moans increased. Her nails dug into my shoulders as she looked into my eyes. Then she started bucking her hips again and I just lost it.

"Cum inside of me Joshy! Give it to me."

Hearing her say my name like only she can, mixed with the new feeling of nirvana, was too much for me. I came so fucking hard that my dick was tender. I had never felt that before.

We lay intertwined in each other as she peppered me with light kisses. She finally settled down on my chest as the silence encased us. I was about to doze off when I heard her whisper, "I meant what I said you know. I love you."

I pretended to be asleep, but my mind was more alert than ever. I remembered my agreement with Naomi that as long as I was having sex with her, that I would wear always wear a condom. I'd just broken that agreement.

I wasn't worried about STD's at point. Mel didn't seem like the type of girl to give it away to every guy that came her way. The chance of pregnancy didn't really seem real to me either (although it definitely should have). My worries were focused elsewhere.

I knew that I cared about Mel. A lot. That's why it hurt me so much when I had the accompanying realization that there was a good chance that Mel and I were going to end soon. I couldn't do this to her. As much as I cared for Mel, I didn't love her. I still was in love with Naomi.

God damned heart! It wants what it wants.

For the next few weeks, I stayed away from both women. Yes, I ran and hid. That seems to be what I do when I'm faced with a situation that I don't want to deal with. Phone calls went ignored, texts went unanswered. I didn't even read them. I knew what they would say and I didn't want to deal with either woman asking me what's wrong me.

You bitches are what's wrong!

Okay, that's not fair. Mel wasn't the problem. Even Naomi wasn't the problem. The real problem was the jerk in the mirror who couldn't figure out how to get his shit on straight.

You see, my problem was this: I was in love with Naomi, but I WANTED to be in love with Mel.

I spent my time trying to come up with ways to channel my love for Naomi onto Mel. I'd come to the realization that in many ways, I was worse than Naomi. At least she had the decency to be honest with me about what she did. She never lied to me, never manipulated me. Sure, she kept the details of her trysts to herself, but I never had to wonder if she was holding out on me.

I'd been deceitful to Mel since the moment I met her. She assumed that she was the only one getting my attention. I spent an awful lot of time with her so she didn't suspect anything else. But I did get with Naomi enough to keep what we had breathing. There was hurt, pain, and jealousy there, but it was very much alive and part of my life. I guess that's how I knew it was really love. Why the hell would I – could I – put up with the pain and jealousy?

While what I was doing was karmic justice as far as Naomi was concerned, it was just cruel to Mel. She didn't deserve what I was doing to her, especially now that I know how she felt about me.

My biggest problem was just selfishness. Plain and simple. Remember, I was indulged as a child and kind of expected to be indulged. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I didn't want to let Mel go, even though it was the right thing to do. I wanted to keep her. I did care about her, but part of the reason why I cared about her was because she made me feel special. She gave me her complete attention. She gave me what I wanted Naomi to give me.

At the same time, letting go of Naomi wasn't an option for me. With her, I felt complete. Don't ask me why. I couldn't explain it you if you did. But I was in love with her. Had been for the longest time. However, I knew that she didn't love me the same way. Sure, she cared about me. Maybe even loved me a little (though she NEVER said it). But I knew that I loved her a hell of a lot more than she did me.

So, was it fair to Mel to be with her, accepting her love and attention, when I was in love with someone else?

Of course I already knew the answer to that question. But doing the right thing is a lot harder than knowing what the right thing is.

Sucks, doesn't it?

*************************

BACK TO THE PRESENT – September 2015

Things had quieted down upstairs. I assume my sister loves her kids a little too much to have killed them and buried them in the back yard, so my guess is that they had gone to bed a little early.

The door to the basement opens and footsteps begin descending the stairs. Trying to feign being asleep, I hold my breath hoping that the intruder into my misery will take the hint and go away. No such luck.

"I know you aren't sleep Josh. You do realize that you snore, right?"

"Whattaya want Trina?"

There is a second's pause before she pokes me in the shoulder. Hard.

"Oww! What the fuck Trina?"

"I want you to eat this God damn sandwich so that I can tell your wife that you ate. Maybe then she can stop calling."

"Who gives a fuck what she wants? Lord knows she couldn't care less about what I want."

"Grow up Josh. Eat the fucking sandwich. You can boycott her cheating ways without martyring yourself. Find another way to throw your tantrum after you make that sandwich disappear."

I theatrically grab the sandwich and take an exaggerated bite.

"Mmmm. Delicioso." I say sarcastically. She did not look amused. "I love it when the bread is hard on the crust but soggy in the middle."

She slaps me on my head. "If you'd eaten it when I brought it down AN HOUR AGO it might taste better. But you have to act so Josh-like instead of being a man and dealing with it."

"Go fuck yourself Trina!"

"Get some balls you fucking spoiled brat."

I settle down as I hear her footsteps walking away and back upstairs. She stops before she exits the basement and is quiet for a few seconds.

"Look Josh. I know I'm being hard on you. But I'm worried about you. I just want you to be okay."

I don't respond right away, but her words do register with me. Right before she exits the basement I yell out, "Love you sis!"

I can practically hear her smile. "Love you too spoiled brat."

"Stuck up bitch!"

"Drama Queen!"

"Nerd!"

"Bed wetter!"

I jerk up to look at her when she said that.

"That only happened once. And I was eight." My face wears a mock hurt look, but I can't help but to smile. I watch her come back down the stairs and stand in front of me.

"How many times would you have to suck a dick to consider yourself gay?"

My face must have screwed up as the image of a guy's dick in my mouth flash I my mind. Trina's gaze held a look of amusement.

"I would never do that. Not even once." I reply before I realize the trap I fell in.

She snickers playfully as she nods. "Exactly bed wetter. Because once would be enough."

With that she bends low and kisses me on my forehead. When I am alone once again I have no choice but to laugh. Leave it to my big sis to find a way to bring me out of my funk.

***********************

THE PAST – June 2006

I ran, ducked, and dodged as long as I could to prolong the inevitable. That came to a screeching halt that Wednesday I came home from work and saw Mel sitting in front of my apartment. Our eyes locked and the look on her face did not say, "Welcome home sailor".

"What the fuck Joshy?"

I don't know if it was her accent or my imagination, but she sounded angry enough to have us end up on an episode of "Snapped". I'm not saying that I was afraid of a woman (that would be unmanly), but I did do a slight scan of her hands to ensure that they weren't clutching any sharp objects. I'm just saying.

I slipped past her and unlocked my front door. We did need to talk, but out here in this hallway was not the place. I had neighbors who were unemployed and very bored with life, so it would not have been beneath them to eavesdrop on a lover's quarrel.

As soon as the door was closed behind us, Mel launched into me.

"Are you completely mad, or a fucking wanker? You ignore me for weeks without a word from you. What the fuck?"

Even as she was yelling at me so hard that spit was flying out of her mouth, I couldn't help but to take a moment to admire how god damn sexy she was. I don't think any man could look at her for long without wanting to run his tongue across her tats.

"I'm sorry Mel. I just had a lot on my mind and I had to get to myself to sort it out. That's all."

She stood in my living room with her hands on her hips, glaring laser beams into my face. Then her countenance softened and took on a look of sadness.

"It's not coincidence that you needed time to think right after I told you I loved you, is it?"

I wanted to tell her that that had nothing to do with it, but I couldn't lie to her anymore. So I silently shook my head and looked at the floor. In my peripheral I saw her nodding.

"Well, at least I know how you feel. You coulda just told me to fuck off instead of running away."

"That's the point Mel. I don't want you to fuck off. Right now you are the best thing in my life."

"But not good enough to love me, right?"

"You can't think of it like that. It isn't about you not being good enough. It's about me not being in a place to give you the love that you deserve."

The irony that I was reciting the same bullshit placating lines that Naomi had given me over our time together was not lost on me. In fact, it made me sick to think about. It just reminded me that she and I weren't so different after all.

Mel gave me a sardonic laugh as she looked at me in disbelief. "You can't be serious. Wow. You really are a wanker."

"Mel..."

"Fuck off Josh! And make sure that you lose my number while you're at it!"

She pushed angrily past me and stomped to my door. I wanted to say something to stop her, to get her to turn around and jump in my arms. I wanted to go back to how we were before I became such a fucking idiot. Before she said I love you. God, I just wanted to take her to my room and ravage her into incoherence. But I didn't. In my own, kind of pathetic way, I did the right thing. I let her go.

She swung my door open and was about to exit my life forever, but something stopped her. She stood there in my doorway, hand on my doorknob, and started crying.

"That was my first time ever telling a man that I love him." I barely heard her in between her sobs.

I stared at her, open mouthed, feeling like the lowest form of whale shit that ever existed. Its funny, Naomi breaks my heart into a million pieces, and I pay it forward. Maybe I deserved all of the pain that was heaped onto me. I always thought of myself as the victim, but in a twist of fate I was now the perpetrator.

Mel was a trooper though. I watched her compose herself, wipe her eyes, and close the door behind her without looking back.

END OF PART TWO

***

The term "Exploding Noema" came from a movie that I once saw called "How to Rob a Bank". When I heard it, I liked it and put it in the back of my mind to use it in a story one day. I wanted to make Josh reference the movie, but my editor pointed out that the movie came out after the argument between him and Naomi took place. I kept the term in because I liked it so much, but I omitted the movie reference. I still wanted to give credit to the movie though, so here it is.

And of course I wanted to give credit to my editor Nonethewiser for his corrections and suggestions. He really did a great job in helping me bring out my story's potential. Any errors I have overlooked in transferring his editing to my work should not be a reflection on him.

Thank you for reading.