To Love Again Ch. 03

Well could this situation get any worse? Confused, miserable, in love with two men and now pregnant, oh and I don't know who the father is but except from all that everything is frigging peachy! Tom and I talked a lot about having children when we were together, he wanted desperately to be a daddy but for me it was never the right time I was either too young for the responsibility or I was too busy setting up my bookstore. As for Paul I have no idea how he feels, we never discussed children although I believe he would be a wonderful father I don't know if he ever desires to be one, I guess it's time I found out.

I'm going home today, I've buried my head in the sand for long enough it's time to go home and face the music. I should also book an appointment with my GP in the hope that he can tell me exactly how pregnant I am giving me the chance to answer the question I continue to ask myself, who is the father of my baby.

I arrive back at my flat and it's good to be home. I unpack my things and then stare at myself in the full length mirror trying to picture how I will look in a few months time when my firm flat tummy gets bigger and bigger as my baby grows inside of me. I could murder a glass of wine but resist the urge and phone the doctors instead making an appointment for this afternoon.

I sit anxiously in the doctor's waiting room which seems to be full of parents and their children or pregnant women with their large belly's weighing them down flicking through parenting magazines and I swallow hard as a wave of nausea runs through my body.

"Stephanie Shaw the doctor will see you now."

I stand up slowly and go in.

"Miss Shaw take a seat, what can I do for you?"

"Well Doctor I think I'm pregnant."

"Have you done a Pregnancy test?"

"Yes and it was positive."

"Ok well if you would like to remove you skirt and underwear and hop up on the table so I can examine you."

He pulls the curtain around me as I start to remove my skirt and knickers thoughts racing through my mind, if I'm more then two weeks pregnant than it has to be Paul's baby, how would I feel if it was his? How would he feel? And where would Tom fit in? My thoughts are interrupted by the doctor as he draws back the curtain.

"Right Miss Shaw I'm going to give you an internal examination this will let me determine how far gone you are so if you just put your feet together and then let your knees fall apart."

Oh how degrading, me lying on my back with my legs wide open as if I haven't done that enough lately.

"Ok everything seems fine I would say you are two weeks pregnant Miss Shaw."

"Exactly two weeks?"

"Well it's hard to be exact but no more than two weeks."

I leave the doctor's surgery feeling sicker than when I went in, I can't believe the mess I have gotten myself into I mean I was on the pill for god's sake, I know it's not 100 % effective but near enough. How am I going to tell Tom or Paul or oh god my mother? And then I think of something else, am I really ready to have a child?

I go home and cry and cry and then I cry some more I don't know what I am going to do or what my future holds, I need to talk to Tom and Paul but I don't know what to say. There's a knock at the door and my heart jumps, I ignore it I can't face anyone right now but the knocking continues and I dry my eyes.

"Steph are you in there?"

It's Paul; nervously I approach the door and let him in. He flings his arms around me hugging me tight.

"Oh Steph your home I've missed you so much."

"I've missed you too Paul but now isn't really a good time."

"Steph what's wrong, have you been crying?"

"Please Paul I can't do this right now."

"Just talk to me please, I love you Steph these last two weeks have been hell for me, I can't bear not being with you I need you to tell me you love me too."

"You know I love you but things are complicated right now."

"Marry me Steph."

"What?"

"I said marry me, I love you and you love me so lets be together."

"I can't marry you Paul."

"Why because of Tom? He doesn't love you like I do Steph; I would never cheat on you or leave you ever and I want to be with you for the rest of my life."

"Paul I'm pregnant."

"What? You can't be?"

"Yeah that was my reaction too but I've seen the doctor Paul, I'm two weeks pregnant which means I don't know if you're the father."

Paul sits down and puts his head in his hands; his shoulders begin to shake as he sobs.

"I'm so sorry Paul believe me I am so sorry."

"I'm not the father Steph."

"You don't know that Paul it's more than likely that it is yours."

"No Steph, I wish more than anything in the world that it was my baby that you're carrying but it isn't, it isn't my baby Steph because I can't have children."

I sit down beside him completely shocked and take his hand in mine, I don't know what to say, this is a revelation I was not expecting and I really don't know how to deal with it. He looks up at me with tears down his cheeks and the pain in his eyes breaks my heart, he really would have been a wonderful father.

"I'm sorry Steph I should have told you but I didn't know how you felt about having children and I was scared you would leave me if you found out I couldn't be a father."

"Oh Paul I would never of left you because of that and you have nothing to be sorry about, all this is my fault. How do you know that you can't have children?"

"When I was younger I got the Mumps, I was really ill with it and developed Orchitis which is an inflammation of the testicles and well there were complications and it left me sterile."

"Paul I am so sorry, that must be awful for you."

"I can still be a father to your child though Steph, I promise I would love him or her as my own, this doesn't change anything for me I still want to marry you."

"I couldn't ask you to father another mans child Paul you would just end up resenting it and me and that wouldn't be fair on anybody and I have to consider Tom's feelings."

"What like he considered yours when he cheated on you, how do you know he won't do it again Steph and it would be 10 times worse with a child to look after? I can offer you stability we could be a family."

"I love you Paul I really do but it wouldn't work, I'm sorry but I have to talk to Tom and if there is a chance that we can sort this out and be a family then I have to take it Paul for the baby's sake, I hope you can understand that."

"I can't lose you Steph."

"I'm sorry Paul."

Slow soft tears run from his eyes and I can't hold mine back either, now the choice has been made and I have to walk away from him I realize just how much I really love him and the pain begins to burn my heart as he softly kisses my lips, a loving tender kiss that breaks my heart and melts my soul. His hands run over my shoulders and down my arms and I shiver from his gentle touch, I close my eyes and he kisses my eyelids then my nose and back down to my mouth where I feel his tongue smoothly slip inside.

"No Paul."

"One last time Steph let me make love to you one last time."

I know how wrong it is and how bad it makes me look but I cannot help myself, I understand what he needs and I need it too I have to show him how I feel about him even if it is for the last time even though I have to walk away I need to make love to him for the first and last time.

I smile through my tears and take his hand leading him into the bedroom; he returns my smile as he begins to peel of my clothes. He removes my top and kisses my shoulders and I can only moan through my tears, he kisses between my breasts as his hands fumble to undo my bra and then stroke my back as it falls to the floor. I pull his shirt off over his head and his body still takes my breath away, I kiss his chest and run my tongue over his nipple sucking it into my mouth and swirling my tongue around it. I switch to the other nipple and give it equal attention as his hands tangle in my hair and tickle my neck.

My head rolls back at the wonder of his touch and he tentatively presses himself up against me as we fall onto the bed holding each other tight. He leans over me and caresses my face staring into my eyes then closes them and looks away as if the pain is just too intense for him to bear. I reach up and kiss his eyelids as he did mine as his hands wander down to my hips and I lift my arse up of the bed as he pulls my skirt over my thighs and down my legs to join my bra on the floor.

I reach for his jeans and undo them, using my feet to push them to the floor his cock jumps free and I immediately take it in my hand rubbing his length as he moans in satisfaction. I get up on my knees and dive towards his cock taking it in my mouth and sucking slowly on the end licking his pre cum and flicking my tongue back and forth. I ease him back into my mouth taking every inch into my throat and sucking him in and out coating his cock in my saliva.

He removes his cock from my mouth and I lay back down on the bed, I feel him placing his cock inside my pussy and something snaps, I do not think I can do this I cannot let him penetrate me when I am carrying someone else's child.

"Paul please stop, I can't do this."

"Steph what's wrong?"

"I'm sorry Paul I just can't, the baby."

"Oh Steph its ok I understand I just wanted to be with you one last time."

"I wanted that too but it's not right."

"I know you will be a wonderful mother Steph I just wish I was the father."

"So do I."

"Do you mean that?"

"Yeah I do, I've made such a mess of things Paul I was so confused and scared of making the wrong decision, Tom was my past and you were my future but I couldn't see that and now that I can it's too late."

"You don't have to go back to him you know, we could move away buy a nice house with a garden start all over again."

"I wish we could Paul."

"But don't you see we can Steph, I want you to be my wife I want to be a father and I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and making you happy all you have to do is say yes."

"Too much has happened Paul I'm pregnant by another man and I can't deny him his child it wouldn't be right."

"I will always love you Steph."

"You will always have my heart Paul."

We lay together in each others arms as we say goodbye not wanting to break our embrace because we both know that when this moment is over that will be the end, but like everything in life there has to be an end and I wish it didn't have to be so hard but everything ends badly otherwise it would never end.

Paul has gone and I'm left weeping on my bed mentally kicking myself for being such a fool but you see when you've had your heart broken you do stupid things, things you wouldn't normally do and recovering is a long and painful process. I didn't want to get my heart broken again I didn't think I would be able to live through it again and so I had to make sure I made the right decision but in the process I made a lot of mistakes and I take full responsibility for them which is why I have to go back to Tom to take responsibility for my mistakes and have my baby.

The phone rings beside me and I wipe my eyes and take a deep breath before I answer.

"Hello."

"Steph it's me."

"Oh Mike."

I let my tears run freely as I break down; I cannot hold back the hurt any longer."

"Steph honey what's wrong?"

"I just don't know where to start Mike I, I, it's all gone wrong."

"Ok just calm down and tell me what's happened."

"I'm pregnant Mike and I didn't know who the father was but then I spoke to Paul and he told me he couldn't have children so it has to be Tom's but I don't want it to be his and now I can't be with Paul anymore even though he asked me to marry him and I have to go back to Tom but he doesn't even know I'm pregnant and..."

"Whoa ok Steph slow down, your pregnant?"

"Yes."

"And it's definitely Tom's?"

"Yes Paul can't have children."

"But he asked you to marry him?"

"Yes he said he would love my baby as his own and we could be together as a family."

"Ok so when's the wedding?"

"What?"

"Steph this man loves you I mean he really loves you, he's been in a right bloody state since you left and this sort of love doesn't come round very often so take it, marry the man you love and be happy."

"But it's not his child Mike, it's Tom's."

"Oh Fuck Tom Steph I'm sorry but the guy is a tosser what kind of father is he going to be the guy can't even take a shit without having someone else wipe his arse for him, his selfish and childish and you should just leave him in your past where he belongs put him in your what the hell was I thinking pile and get on with your life."

"Jesus Mike I know you don't like him but that's a little harsh even from you."

"Well I'm sorry Steph but it's the truth and I don't ever want to see you that hurt ever again and I guarantee you he will do it again."

"You don't know that Mike please I need your support here how can I just walk away from him when I'm having his baby."

"Piece of piss love you just put one foot in front of the other and keep on walking and don't ever look back."

"Mike is there something you're not telling me?"

"Like what?"

"I don't know but I've never heard you talk like this before so if there's something you're not telling me that I should know then I'd rather you just spat it out."

"You're not going to like it."

"Oh for god's sake Mike just tell me!"

"Ok when you were away I saw Tom at a bar and he wasn't alone."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying he was with another woman."

"Well he has a lot of female friends, work colleagues it doesn't mean anything was going on."

"No your right it was probably just a work mate they must have been working on a French kissing project!"

My blood runs cold.

"What?"

"They were very clearly together Steph they stumbled out of the bar with their hands all over one another, they didn't see me but I got a pretty good view I'm sorry I didn't want to have to tell you but if you go back to him now it will be the biggest mistake of your life."

"I don't believe you he wouldn't do that to me again."

"Steph I have never lied to you ever now wake up and smell the philandering bastard."

"I have to talk to him."

"You have to cut his bollocks off is what you have to do."

"Ok you've made your point Mike I get it but I still need to talk to him."

"Fine but don't let him talk his way out of this."

"I've got to go I'll call you later."

"Be strong Hun I'll be here when you need me."

I don't allow myself time to think I just grab my bag and head over to Tom's, I bang on his door and wait, there's no answer but I can hear noises inside so I try the door handle and it opens so I let myself in I just wish I was more prepared for what awaited me. There are clothes strewn all over his living room and heavy panting coming from his bedroom, the door is ajar so I take a deep breath and open it fully I'm met with the sight of Tom completely naked sticking his dick in what I can only describe as a bad Dolly Parton look-alike.

"Shit Steph um your not supposed to be here."

"Oh I'm sorry please finish!"

I slam the bedroom door as hard as I can and storm out of the flat, Tom appears behind me wearing just his robe and looking flustered.

"Steph wait please it's not what you think."

"It's exactly what I think but you know what i really don't care."

"I'm sorry I just couldn't help myself she doesn't mean anything to me Steph you're the one I love."

"You wouldn't know love Tom if it flew up your arse and exploded! I'm pregnant you piece of shit!"

"What?"

"Pregnant Tom, up the duff, with child, pregnant."

"Is it mine?"

I'm about to tell him when I have a thought, this could be my way out there is no way Tom would bring up another mans child and I no longer want him in my life I certainly don't want him anywhere near my child so I do what I have to do and lie.

"No it's not yours I'm three weeks gone, it's Paul's baby."

"Are you going to keep it?"

"No I thought I would get rid of it so you and I can live happily ever after."

"I still want you back Steph."

"Oh go to hell, Paul's asked me to marry him and I've accepted we're going to be a family so I don't want anything more to do with you just stay away from me Tom."

I leave his building and instead of the emotions I was expecting, anger, hurt, sadness I actually feel relived this whole nightmare is over, I don't love him anymore I love Paul and we can be together now I am free of my past now it's time to start my future. I go straight round to Paul's flat and excitedly knock on his door.

"Steph is everything ok?"

"Everything will be if you marry me."

"Excuse me?"

"I said will you marry me Paul?"

He lifts me up in his arms and spins me around.

"Yes, yes, yes, yes!"

He puts me back down and looks into my eyes his hands cupping my face his lips meet mine and we kiss hungrily our happiness overflowing as we stumble backwards into the bedroom beaming smiles at one another. We impatiently jump onto the bed and rip each others clothes off kissing madly desperately in need of each other. Naked we touch each other with care stroking and teasing and kissing all over.

He takes my breast in his hand and caresses it with his fingers while he trails soft kisses down my neck. I lay beneath him as he sucks a nipple into his mouth and my hand reaches down to seize his cock. I slither my hand up and over his cock smearing his pre cum over the head so my hand can travel up and down with ease, effortlessly gliding back and forth and he moans into my flesh as his mouth stays clamped around my nipple.

Kissing around my breast his lips journey downwards planting light kisses on my stomach and then around my inner thighs, my skin tingles in delight as his lips reach my pussy and begins to delicately lick within my folds. His tongue flicks along my clit and I arch my back thrusting my hips forward to apply more pressure, his tongue swirls around increasing my wetness as I pant through the pleasure. He enters me with his tongue plunging it deep inside igniting my orgasm as my pleasure intensifies and I grab hold of his hair keeping his lips firmly where they are as I reach my first release and cry out through the orgasmic rush.

My head spinning slightly I sit myself up and see Paul grinning at me I lean forward and kiss his smile my tongue slipping inside his mouth to cavort with his. I roll him over to where I had just laid and kiss my way down his body my hand rubbing the insides of his thighs. My lips arrive at his cock the head glistening with more pre cum and I kiss the top licking my lips to taste his salty offering. I plant more kisses down his shaft then lightly begin to lap at his balls, one at a time I take them into my mouth and roll them around my tongue sucking on them hungrily.

I slide my tongue back up his shaft and place my mouth around his cock taking just the tip inside and twirling my tongue around it. I take another inch into my mouth and slowly begin to suck him back and forth adding another inch every time my lips slide back down. When I have his entire length in my mouth I really go to work on his cock sucking him deep into my throat and working my hand at the base using my saliva as lubrication to stroke and suck him at the same time.

His breathing is becoming erratic and his hips are thrusting forward as he pushes his cock deeper into my throat and his hands are on the back of my head keeping the rhythm going. Not wanting him to cum just yet I slow my pace down and hear him sigh in contentment as he reaches down to lift my head from his cock and I crawl up his body kissing his chest on my way.

He rolls me over onto my side and lays himself behind me his body spooning mine and we fit together like two pieces in a puzzle. I can feel his cock pushing between my legs and my wetness lets him easily slip inside me and he holds himself there as his hand closes over my breast. Slowing I begin to feel him draw out and then slide back in and we both moan at how good it feels, his hand still strokes my breast and plays with my nipple as his cock consumes me totally.