To Love Again - Vik

I will say that it was kind of awkward talking to him, though, probably more than it should have been. Realistically I knew what situation I was in: I was one of Alice's exes and I was being all friendly and familiar with him in front of his current boyfriend. I was constantly feeling like I was overstepping, demanding too much of his time and attention. Michael had been nothing but polite, but I wondered what he really thought of me.

The worst part about the whole thing was that he and Alice really were a cute couple. I could feel the love and trust coming from them. It was almost torture, because Alice used to share that bond with me. Michael's relationship with Alice was a glimpse into what could have been. They'd been together for several months, they even moved into their own apartment a few months back. They were happy and committed and together for the long haul.

That stung.

I wasn't resentful of Michael. He was a nice person, and made Alice happy, but it still hurt. It hurt even more than I was expecting it to.

I tried to push that pain down, because I knew in my heart that there was nothing I could do. I'd made my choice, and Alice had made his.

In some ways, finally getting to see Alice again was one of the best things that had happened to me in forever, but when I left, I also felt sadder, more alone than ever before.

*****

Alice told me that he and I were getting lunch the following Wednesday. It was going to just be me and him this time. I felt better talking to him now that we were alone. We were able to catch up, but it also allowed us to properly discuss some touchier subjects.

"Vik, are you okay? I feel like I'm parading my new relationship to you."

"I can't say I'm unaffected, but I really do like seeing both of you happy together. I mean it."

Alice picked at the fries he was eating. "The thing is, I want you to be happy, too."

"What are you talking about? I'm happy."

"Are you just as happy now as you were when we were together?"

That question felt like a punch in the throat. For a few seconds I couldn't even speak, but he just kept looking at me, waiting for a response.

I answered truthfully. "No, but it's not like we can go back to the way things were."

He drummed his fingers on the table.

"I really think you're making it worse for yourself with that ring. If you can find somebody new you could be that happy again."

"I already told you that it's my choice."

"But why?"

Alice had always been respectful of my religion. He didn't question it or challenge it, so it surprising to have the conversation shift in this direction.

"Your mom never told you to be celibate. Your boss never told you to be celibate. Did God even tell you to be celibate?"

All I could do was open and close my mouth like a fish.

"Vik, when all is said and done, you're still my friend. I want you to be happy."

That couldn't have hurt more if he'd said it while twisting a knife in my chest.

"What makes you think you know what would make me happy better than I would?"

"I didn't say that I did. It just looks like you're punishing yourself and I can't for the life of me figure out why."

"SHUT UP!!"

The outburst was so sudden it even surprised me.

The entire restaurant went dead silent. Everybody in the room was looking my way.

I wanted to crawl under the table and never come back out again. I couldn't even remember the last time I lost my temper and screamed like that. So much blood rushed to my face it felt like my cheeks were on fire.

To my shock, Alice spoke up.

"Mind your business!" He was addressing everyone around us. There was an awkward moment before the rumble of talking started back up again.

"Alice...I'm so sorry." My voice was a pitiful little squeak.

"It's okay, Vik. That was tactless of me. I shouldn't have said that."

He was trying to help me and I was screaming at him in public. I felt like I was about one inch tall.

"I just want to understand."

My face fell. I couldn't speak anymore.

Alice rummaged through his wallet and pulled out some cash. He put $40 on the table and stood up.

"Vik, we're leaving now. We need to go somewhere more private."

Alice dragged me to his car and drove us all the way out the city until we were on the highway. The entire time neither of us said a word. After almost 30 minutes of driving he pulled over and told me to get out of the car. I complied, feeling like a kid about to be disciplined by his parents as I walked out into the cold December air.

"I don't wanna be cruel. I really don't, but you're clearly not as happy as you let on. Please, Vik, just talk to me."

I found that I couldn't look him in the eye.

"About what?"

"Well, the ring, for starters. You were okay with dating and having sex before, why quit cold turkey?"

"It's to show my dedication."

"Dedication to what, being miserable?"

"I don't need sex to be happy!"

"It's not about sex, Vik! You need love in your life. You're not the type of person who can be happily single and you know it!"

"I made a promise to God!"

"One He never demanded you make? One that's just making you suffer?"

I didn't have a response to that.

After a few seconds, his expression softened.

"Nobody is forcing you to do this, so why?"

My legs felt weak. I sat down on the ground. Alice sat right next to me.

"Vik, I still care about you. I love you and hate seeing you this sad. Please, talk to me."

"I don't know what to say."

"Say anything. Just talk."

I wracked my brain to find something.

"One of the kids I worked with was an eighteen-year-old girl who ran away from home three years before," I had no idea why I picked this story to tell.

"Go on," he encouraged.

"She was gay and had a falling out with her parents when she came out. She told me that they said some horrible things to each other before she left. She went to her girlfriend's house and wanted to start over. She cut all the ties with her family."

"This was when she was 15?"

I nodded. "She said she was happier in her new life, staying with her girlfriend for another year before she had to move out for college. She took odd jobs to pay for rent and finished high school. Then she found out something a bit later. I don't remember how she said it happened, but somehow she heard that her dad had died a few months before. She never knew. She remembered their parting words with each other and felt disgusted. They left on such bad terms with each other and she'll never be able to fix it."

"What did she do next?"

"I don't know. I told her that she should find her mom and talk to her, but I never heard from her again after that."

I realized why that story came to mind. I started tearing up.

"Alice, I'm that kid. No, I'm even worse. I'm a pathetic little brat!"

"Vik, you're not! You're the nicest guy I've ever met!"

"I broke your heart, and now that you've found somebody else I'm jealous! It's been so long and I still can't let go!"

I looked down at the ring on my finger I hated so much.

"Now I know why I did this. I'm wearing this because I wanted so much to move on, prove to myself that leaving for LA and not bringing you with me was the right decision. I'm such an idiot! All it's doing is keeping me stuck in the past. I'm not wearing it because I'm strong, I'm wearing it because I'm weak!"

Alice rubbed my back consolingly.

"Vik, you're not stupid and you're not weak. You made that promise because you thought it was the right thing to do."

"But it wasn't!"

"Maybe that's clear now, but it's been almost a year."

He put his arm around me in a brotherly way.

"Vik, people change. You made what you decided was the best decision at the time. You couldn't predict the future."

I buried my face in my hands.

"Alice, I don't know what's wrong with me. Even after all this, I still don't want to take the damn thing off."

"Why not?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe I'm scared of what will happen. Maybe I'm trying to punish myself for finding true love and then throwing it away."

He punched me in the gut, forcing all the air out of my body at once.

I wheezed. "What the hell, man?"

"Don't you ever say that again, hear me? We split up because we both knew it was for the best. That job was an opportunity you couldn't turn down. You love doing it, don't you?"

"I...yes, but..."

"But what?"

"But...who's to say I wouldn't love staying with you more?"

"Vik, there's no point in thinking so much about the choices you've made in the past. You can't change them, you can only learn from them."

"But I haven't learned anything..."

Alice sighed.

"You're too hard on yourself. Nobody expects you to have it all together. It's never too late."

I took a deep breath in and out.

"What do you think I should do?"

He hugged me a little tighter.

"Well, I did two things before I felt like I could start dating Michael. The first one was looking inside myself and figuring out what it was I really wanted. The other is letting you go."

He turned to face me directly.

"You're not even 25 yet. You shouldn't expect to have it all figured out. Take time to think things through. No matter what your decision is, I'll support you."

I looked into his eyes.

"Even if I want to stay celibate forever, or sever ties with you?"

"If it's what you want, I'll be supportive, though I know you'd never sever ties with me."

I laughed. "You're right."

We sat for a few minutes.

"What does Michael think of me?"

He pondered that for a bit. "He said you weren't his type, but he definitely respects you. He's fine with you being my best friend."

I guess that that's the best I could have realistically asked for.

"I'm sorry for doing this to you. We were supposed to have a relaxing afternoon together and I turned it into this drama."

"You need to address the drama before you can move on from it. I learned that the hard way."

He hugged me.

"Well, now I'm freezing. Let's get back in the car and take you home, your mom is probably ready to call the police."

I laughed.

*****

I spent the remaining days in Philly relaxing. I passed most of the time with my mother, but also saw a movie with Alice and Michael. We had fun.

My last day was New Year's Eve, and I had a flight at half-past midnight, technically already New Year's Day. I wasn't thrilled about spending so much of my New Year's Eve in an airport, but I didn't exactly have any prior engagements. Plus, crappy and inconvenient flights were always cheaper.

After midnight, I was sitting around in one of the dozen places in an airport where you sit around waiting for something to actually happen when my phone buzzed, notifying me of a text. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw that it was from Eli.

Hey, man. Happy New Year! Well, at least over there.

I smiled. He could even make the impending jetlag not seem like such a bad thing.

Thanks, Eli, I texted back. Same to you.

When would you touch down back here?

I did some mental math.

Well, my flight is about six hours, so with everything else I'll probably be back at my apartment at 4:30. Why do you ask?

Just wondering. Have a nice flight.

Ha, doubtful.

I put the phone away and sighed. If I had to spend six hours somewhere, the inside of a dark airplane would be close to the bottom of my list. I'm not good at sleeping in random places, so I would likely spend most of the Red Eye flight awake and bored.

That could actually be a blessing in disguise, though. Since I had 6 hours of free time ahead of me, I had no excuse to not think things over.

I spent much of that flight doing two things: thinking and praying. I wanted so badly to get all my feelings sorted out. In that time I broke down walls and barriers in my mind that I wasn't even aware I had set up. I asked God for guidance, direction so I could know which path was the one that He wanted me to take.

I know that God had guided me in the past. He was there for me during my adolescence, provided comfort to me at a time where I always felt so alone. I personally have never heard a voice in my head or experienced direct communication with Him, but I've gotten feelings in the past that I know in my soul was Him signaling me. When I first got offered the job at Reach, I had a powerful reaction to it. A feeling rose that firmly said: This is what I'm meant to do. I thanked Him for his love and forgiveness, and had faith that the outcome He wanted would be the right one, even if I wouldn't think so at the time.

I thought about Alice. I thought about how much I had loved him, and how much I still did. It was heartbreaking, but I told myself in no uncertain terms that it was time to move on. Alice was happy and with a man who loved him. Even if that person wasn't me, I had to accept it.

I can't think of another time where I so tirelessly dug around in my own brain. I felt like I was making progress, but it was slow, and I didn't know where exactly the progress was taking me.

It was so draining, so emotionally exhausting, that I fell asleep after about two hours and didn't wake up until the plane's lights went on to signal our landing. I walked out into LAX with some answers, but mostly questions still remaining.

I knew it was time to let go of the past. Maybe my life would have been better if I insisted that Alice come with me, but I didn't know, and I know I never will. Despite me clinging to it, growing addicted to a memory during those countless nights I spent alone, I needed to put my foot down and fully end that chapter of my life.

I was still just as confused about where to go from there. I didn't know if the right thing was to remain chaste, actively search for a partner, or just wait. I walked to where I had parked, and prayed, for what felt like the millionth time that night, God, I don't know what path I need to take. Please, guide me. Give me a sign.

A few seconds later I got to my car and looked through my phone to see two text notifications. The first was from my mother, asking me to text her when I got back, which I did. The second one was from Eli, only a few minutes old.

Hey, Vik. I know it's a bad time, but can we meet up? I have to talk to you about something.

It was about 4:00 in the morning. Even for New Years, it was a time where almost nobody was awake. If he wanted to talk now, whatever it was had to be important.

Sure. Are you OK?

I'm OK, just need to speak with you.

He told me to meet him outside our church and I said I'd be there ASAP. I was starting to get concerned. What was so urgent that he needed to meet up at this time of night?

I pulled in to the church's nearly empty parking lot to see Eli waiting for me. I got out of my car and walked over to him.

"Eli, what's wrong?"

I saw his beautiful face look so scared, so unsure in the glow of the streetlight.

"I just..."

I put my hand on his shoulder.

"Eli, I'm here for you. You can tell me anything."

He looked down.

"I have a confession to make, and my only resolution this year was to tell you as soon as I could. I'm sorry for bothering you like this."

"I don't care. Just tell me what's wrong, you're scaring me." Eli was normally such an upbeat, easygoing person, but at that moment he was nervous and afraid. Whatever was wrong, I wanted to help him.

He raised his head to look me in the eye.

"I think I've developed a crush on you."

It took me a solid ten seconds to register what he said.

"What?"

"I think...I think I'm attracted to you. Like, romantically and sexually."

I blinked a few times, fully convinced that my mind was playing tricks on me.

"Wait...what?"

He sighed.

"I don't know why or how it happened. I always thought I was straight, but it's been this way for months now. I've just been too scared to tell you."

There's no way this was real. This doesn't happen in real life.

"Why were you scared to tell me? You know I'm gay." Eli didn't know about my pledge to chastity, either, almost nobody in LA did. Why did he never make a move? I had been attracted to him since the first day I met him but never did anything about it!

"It's not like that. If there's anything you taught me, it's that being gay doesn't prevent you from living a good Christian life. In fact, if it were anybody else besides you, I would probably never admit it. I was just nervous."

"About what?" I demanded, with more exasperation in my tone than was necessary.

"Well...I was scared that if I told you, it would ruin our friendship. I didn't want that, but I couldn't keep lying to you."

My head was spinning. This was too much. I put my hand on my forehead.

"Are you okay, Vik?"

"Yeah, it's just...it's just a lot to take in."

I gathered my thoughts for a few moments.

"I'm sorry, Eli."

He looked shocked. "What are you apologizing for?"

"I've been hiding things from you, too. I've been attracted to you from pretty much the beginning, but never did anything about it."

Now he was the one who looked like he just had an atom bomb dropped on him.

"Oh, Vik...why?"

"Why, what?"

"Why did you never tell me?"

"The same reason you gave. Plus...there's been some other things." Those other things could fill a book: my relationship with Alice, how our romance ended, my celibacy, Alice moving on from me and finding someone else. He would have to learn those things later. Not right now. There was already too much right now.

We stood in an awkward silence.

"So...where do we go from here?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't be opposed to us staying as friends, but..."

"But...?"

He shifted his weight from foot to foot.

"If you're interested...I think I'd rather be your boyfriend."

Something clicked in my mind when I heard him say that. Things became clear.

"I would really like that too, Eli."

He smiled.

"Thank you so much, Vik."

Eli looked at his watch.

"We should really go home and get some sleep. We'll talk more tomorrow, okay?"

I nodded "Okay." He didn't know, but I wanted to be alone at that moment, because I knew I was about to start crying.

He hugged me goodbye, but now it felt different. Different in the best way possible.

Once he was gone, the tears started falling. I couldn't hold them back, and I didn't want to.

I had asked for a sign and I had gotten one. I couldn't see what just happened as anything less than God telling me that it was okay to move on. I didn't have to be alone anymore. I thanked Him profusely, wanting God to know that I heard His message loud and clear. It was an opportunity I'd have to be a fool to ignore. I had to move forward, but there was one last thing standing in my way, one final thing I needed to get rid of.

I got in my car and drove down to the marina in Los Angeles, not too far from LAX. I found a secluded spot to park and got out of my car.

I looked at the purity ring on my finger, one that I had kept on nearly all the time for almost a year. It really was a beautiful ring, black and silver, minimalist, elegant. I've gotten compliments on it before, though I'm sure most people didn't consider what it was. It was a nice ring I had picked out myself, and it wasn't cheap, either.

The ring had been a constant in my life for so long. It had become a part of me.

I despised the thing. I wanted it gone. I never wanted to see it again.

That purity ring served as a reminder of so many things, my celibacy, how much I missed Alice, and how I wouldn't be able to move on and find somebody new to love.