To Love Again - Vik

I remembered what Alice had said and tried to be gentler with myself. At the time, it was a decision I was proud of. I did it for a reason, and it became a part of my experience moving to LA, for better or worse. As much I hated it, I never even considered breaking the promise it was a symbol of.

But now the ring had served its purpose. Now I wanted it and everything it stood for out of my life.

I pulled it off my finger and held the thing I hated so much in my hands. I looked up at the water not far away from me.

I ran towards it, a yell starting to crescendo in my throat. At full speed, I got to the water, and threw the ring as hard and as far away as I could, my scream peaking into a triumphant cry.

Due to the dim light and the black color of the ring, I didn't see its path. Due to the wind and waves, I couldn't hear the splash. I knew that I had next to zero probability of ever seeing it again. For all intents and purposes, the ring was out of my life forever, and I couldn't be happier.

Emotion flooded me again, making me cry tears of joy. Normally, when a person is crying, they try to calm themselves down, but I welcomed the tears. They were proof to me and God that I was starting something new in my life. Something wonderful.

I was so shaken that I collapsed on my knees. I thanked God for His love and forgiveness. I thanked Him over and over again for giving me another chance at love.

I would not waste that chance.

I stayed there, and must have stayed there for quite a while, because eventually I could sense a change in the natural light. Slowly but surely the sun was rising behind me.

It was a new dawn, the first of the new year and the first of my new life.

I felt a presence and looked up to see a random passerby.

"Hey, are you okay?" she asked.

It was understandable that she thought that. I was on my knees and crying, after all.

I smiled. "I'm great," I assured her. "I'm the happiest I've ever been in my entire life."

She looked at me like I was a weirdo and walk away.

"God bless you, ma'am," I called after her. "Have a great year!"

She didn't reply.

I stood up and walked to my car. It had been a long day and it was time for me to go home.

*****

I gave Alice a phone call the next day to tell him the news.

"Okay, so I've been doing a lot of thinking and praying lately," I began.

"Seems like a good place to start."

"I've decided what I'm going to do. I'm going to start dating again."

"So no more celibacy?"

"Yeah. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but things have changed."

"That's good to hear."

I sighed a bit. "I'm starting to think I was way too naïve back then."

"Maybe, but it gave you an opportunity to grow."

I smiled. "I hope that you and Michael have a great year together."

"Thanks, Vik. I wish you the best, too. You're a great guy, and any man would be lucky to have you."

I felt a rush of gratitude, similar to what I felt when I knew he and I were relationship material. I was thinking of that when I said what I did next.

"I need to thank you, Alice."

"For what?"

"For being my best friend."

He laughed a little. "Don't mention it. Now go forth and find Mr. Right!"

"Thanks, buddy."

The funny thing was, it wasn't even a year prior that I thought I had found Mr. Right, the person I wanted to settle down with. I thought that Alice would be my one and only for the rest of my days, but then life threw a curveball and everything was turned upside down. I had gone through so much pain the previous year, but looking back on it, I know it all happened for a reason. Sometimes it's hard to let Jesus take the wheel, because He usually takes a long, counterintuitive route you don't understand, but He gets you to where you need to be, and now the road had led me to Eli.

"Talk to you later, Vik."

"Talk to you later, Alice."

*****

On the first Friday of every month, there's a food truck rally on Abbot Kinney Boulevard, and that is where Eli and I went on our first date. The two of us enjoyed ourselves and had some great (if bizarre) food. I had no idea that one could even deep-fry mac and cheese, but now I do and I'm a better man for it.

The interaction between the two of us was so easy. We already knew how to play off each other, to make each other laugh. In many ways, it was like the times we were together as friends. Still, there was something else. We touched each other in ways we hadn't before. When I looked in his eyes, I saw something new, something beautiful.

Once our evening was over, he invited me to his house so we could decompress and process all the creatively unhealthy food we'd just eaten. I agreed, gladly.

We got to his place and sat on his couch for a while, just talking. I got bolder and scooted closer until we touched.

A few minutes later Eli put his hand on my cheek. "Has anybody ever told you how magical your eyes are? They're gray, but so warm and bright. I didn't even think that was possible."

I smiled. I had never really been proud of my eyes, but Eli had been the second person to tell me how much he loved them. The first, naturally, was Alice.

I looked at Eli. He had always been attractive, but now he looked like utter perfection. He was as handsome as he was kind.

"Maybe they just look that way because they like what they see."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah. Let me try something, just to make sure."

I leaned in, slow enough to give him the opportunity to figure out what I was doing and stop me if he wanted. He didn't; in fact he closed his eyes and leaned forward himself.

For the first time, the two of us kissed. At that moment, I understood why a heart with an arrow going through it was used as a symbol so much. I felt my heart get pierced. I knew that I wanted to keep that arrow impaled within me for as long as I could.

What I was feeling wasn't simply because I hadn't kissed a man in so long. I knew that the spark was real. He opened his mouth first, and when he brushed my lip with his tongue, I opened up like it was the most natural thing in the world.

I don't even know how long the two of us kissed, but eventually we got bored of doing it on the couch. The next thing we knew we were on his bed, stripped to our underwear and rolling around. My hands explored his body and his explored mine.

Things cooled down and we were just cuddling each other, kissing occasionally.

"This is better than I ever hoped it would be," Eli said breathily.

I nuzzled his neck. "Same here."

We had really let time get away from us, because it had gotten late.

"You want to spend the night here?" Eli asked.

"I would love that."

The two of us got ready for sleep, still keeping our underwear on. We had time to explore, so we didn't need to rush things. We both got under the covers and I held his hand.

"Would you like to pray together?" I asked.

He nodded.

"Dear God, thank you so much for allowing me and Eli to come together. We hope that in our relationship we can live the lives you want us to. I pray that we continue to deepen our bond with you as well as with each other."

"Thank you for all you have blessed us both with," Eli said. "It was through your grace and wisdom that the two of us found each other the way we did. Thank you for what you've given us last year, and what you'll give us in the years to come."

He finished and smiled at me.

"Amen."

We kissed again and got settled. Even though he was taller and bulkier than me, he asked for me to be the big spoon, so I held him in my arms. It felt perfect.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that to change is to be human. We're not who we were, but change isn't a bad thing as long as we're doing it for the right reasons. Last April, I was absolutely sure that Alice was the man I would be with for the rest of my life. He'd be the only man I'd ever truly love. Now, we were on opposite sides of the country. He was happily settled in a long-term relationship with another man, and I had a hunch I was on my way to doing the same. I felt so much older and wiser than I was a year ago, or even a week ago.

I felt so happy. I was back on the path that I was meant to take, and knowing that was euphoric.

I had the chance to start over.

I had the chance to love again.