Tonight's the Night

Maybe this is just what I needed. I remembered what my therapist had said 'Karen, you have to do things that make you feel better.' I honestly can't think of a better way to make me feel better than to be with Terence. Besides, I'm sure Daniel has been with other people and isn't just sitting around moping all day. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. I have an opportunity to be with a great guy who I have an attraction to and feel comfortable with. That in of itself is rare! Should I be so blind as to ignore it? Or should I jump at the chance and make myself feel incredibly good? The answer was obvious. I waited long enough and I was going to put my needs first from now on.

Before I knew it, the class was over and everyone gave him a round of applause. He looked at me one last time and I mouthed the words "Good job waterboy!" while I continued to applaud. He smiled and gave me an appreciative nod. I went to a few other classes that afternoon, but it wasn't nearly as entertaining as his. In fact, they were so boring that I ducked out mid way through each of them and grabbed a bite to eat instead. After all the classes were done for the day I waited for Terence outside his classroom door. I waited and waited and still there was no sign of him. When I went into the classroom it was completely empty. I must have missed him. Damn! I didn't know what room he was in, not that it mattered. I wouldn't want to creep him out by just showing up at his door, so I figured I would go back to the bar later tonight in the hopes of catching him there.

I went up to my room, took a shower, texted my kids and checked my email. I didn't even notice the hotel room phone flashing, letting me know I had a message waiting. I checked the message and was excited to hear Terence's voice "Water and Wine tonight at eight? Hope to see you there!" It was already 7:30 by the time I got the message so I quickly threw on a dress, put on some makeup and headed out the door all the while thinking 'Tonight's the night!' I couldn't wait!

When I got to the bar, it was actually packed. There were no seats available. Stupid Conference! I searched the room and found Terence at a table in the dining room. He saw me and waved, motioning me to join him. We gave each other a soft embrace and sat down. The pretty young waitress from the night before came and took our order. Just my luck! She didn't recognize me and quickly took our order. Terence didn't pay any attention to her and was completely focused on me. I watched his eyes carefully and he didn't even look at her while she was walking away. I somehow felt relieved. He clearly wasn't like most guys. Even Daniel, would have snuck a peak. Hell, so would I! We ordered a bottle of wine and some finger foods to share between us.

"You know, you could have told me that you were one of the instructors?" I said.

"Now what fun would that be?" He smirked.

"Oh, that's right, I forgot, you live to embarrass me, right?"

"You do that all yourself. I just appreciate it."

We both laughed and he refilled our glasses. When the food came we ate from each other's dish like we were a couple. We talked about the seminar and I told him how much everyone enjoyed his presentation.

"Really?" he said. "What was your favorite part?"

"When you took off your blazer," I winked.

"Oh, so I was just eye candy?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes"

I could see he was blushing and he shook his head in mock disgust. We continued eating and teased each other throughout the meal. He was wonderfully funny and the more I laughed the more comfortable I felt around him. I couldn't believe I was here flirting with a guy. When was the last time I did that? It felt good. My feelings were being reciprocated and I knew there was something between us. 'Tonight's the night.' my mind kept reiterating. We finished our meal and we were on our last glass of wine.

"Have you ever been to Chicago before?" he asked.

"No, this is my first time. Actually, my plan was to skip the seminars and take in the sights," I replied.

"And what happened?"

"I met some guy at a bar."

"Lucky guy!" he said.

"Not yet," I teased.

He laughed. "You know, I only have to do one more presentation in the morning, if you are willing to skip class maybe we can go see some of the sights together?"

"I would love that," I said.

It was about ten pm when the waitress came by and gave us the check in one of those leather booklets. He paid for it in cash and we finished our wine.

"Thanks for dinner, but you didn't have to pay," I said.

"No worries, my pleasure. You know, the night's still young, do you feel like exploring the city a little?" he asked.

"Actually, I'm kind of tired. It's been a long day." I said "Perhaps, we should just call it a night and head upstairs?" I stressed the word 'we'

"Sounds like a good plan," he smiled.

He held my hand as we went up the elevator. We were quiet with excitement, neither of us saying a word. 'Tonight's the night,' my mind began to race.

We had huge smiles on our faces and we were both terribly excited. I could feel everything below my waist tremble with anticipation. Tonight was definitely going to be the night! I was so aroused that it took all of my strength not to jump all over him in the elevator. We approached his room door and walked inside and as soon as he locked the door, I pulled him close and kissed him on the mouth. He held my waist and I wrapped my hands around his neck. I parted my lips as his mouth approached mine and felt the heat across my body when our lips met. He was so much taller than me and I had to tilt my head all the way back as we kissed deeper. His hands moved down my side and cupped my ass as he began to kiss along my neck. I held on to his chest letting his frame over take mine. I felt his erection against my stomach and his hands begin to pull up my dress.

At this point I thought about Daniel, about the kids, about failing as a wife. I thought about what I was doing now and how it could jeopardizes everything I worked for. I felt ashamed. I felt scared. Suddenly all my insecurities seemed to rush in my head. What if I'm not good enough in bed? What if he doesn't like having sex with me? Do I even know what I'm doing? What if I can't please him? It's amazing how your mind can ruin a perfectly good tryst. I felt his hands squeeze my bare ass and I pushed him away.

"I'm sorry, I can't do this," I said.

"Why? What's the matter?" he said, surprised by my sudden change of mind.

"Nothing, it's just too soon."

"Ok. That's fine. I understand."

"I'm not ready for this," I rambled on

"Ok."

"I thought I was ready, but I'm not," I continued to ramble.

"It's ok," he reassured me.

"It's just too much for me right now,"

"It's ok Karen, I understand," he repeated.

I needed to leave and needed to leave fast! I've embarrassed myself once again and I look like a fool! I'm such an idiot! I began to frantically look for my purse and I couldn't breathe. Panic was setting in and I felt the tears rush to my eyes.

"Where's my purse?" I looked around, avoiding his glare.

"It's right here," he grabbed my purse, which was right behind me and handed it to me.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," I said once again.

"It's ok. Honest. I understand."

"I can't explain. It's just that...."

"It's ok Karen, you don't need to explain. I understand. Honestly, I do," he said reassuringly.

I opened the door and just as I was about to sprint to the elevator he grabbed my hand.

"Are we still on for seeing the sights tomorrow?" he asked.

"What? Haven't you heard what I said? I'm not ready..."

"I'm not talking about this," he said pointing in the room. "I'm talking about actually going out to see the sights. Nothing more," he clarified.

"Um... sure, ok. That'll be fine," I said, not because I wanted to, but because I would have said just about anything to get away.

"Then I'll meet you in the lobby at noon?"

"Ok, I'll see you then," I said and ran to the elevator.

"Have a goodnight Karen," he said waving to me at the door.

"Yup," I said and let the elevator swallow me whole.

When I got to my room I immediately fell on the bed and cried. I cursed myself for being such an idiot, for being such a basket case, but most of all, I cursed Daniel for putting me through this. Why did you do this to me Daniel? Why? Look what you've done to me! I didn't want this in my life. I wanted everything to be back to the way it was. I felt as if I was having a semi- meltdown. I didn't have the energy to fight it, so I thought I'd just let it run its course.

Eventually, I cried myself to sleep and woke up still in my dress I wore last night. I felt better and calmer. I knew it wasn't going to be easy and I believed it now more than ever. It wasn't that I didn't want Terence, I really did. I just wasn't ready. It's just that I wanted it so badly that I didn't think about if I could handle it. I tried forcing the issue and paid a heavy price. I can't blame Terence. He was very understanding. He never asked questions, never tried to pressure me, he was a complete gentleman and acted as if he truly understood. I never told him anything about my life other than where I work and what I do, but he seemed as if he knew exactly what I was going through and gave me all the space I needed.

I wonder how he felt about me now? Probably thinks I'm so fucked up that I should be on meds! Sadly, he's probably right. I'm sure I scared him away and he probably wants nothing to do with me. I can't say I blame him, but he did ask me to go see the sights today, why? Was it just a lame attempt to make me believe that he was really ok with everything? Or was it just so he wouldn't blame himself if I jumped off the balcony? I really didn't want to see him again. I couldn't face him after that psychotic episode, but the truth is I really liked being with him. If you could put aside my little 'freak out' the other night, we actually got along great and had lots of fun together. Should I throw away a possible great friendship just because of a little 'freak out'? I guess I would have to leave that up to him. I planned on meeting him. If anything, just to apologize once more for my behavior.

I didn't go to any of the seminars that morning. I couldn't be bothered. I had a lot on my mind and just stayed in my room until it was time to meet Terence. I hope he will be there. I put on a pair of jeans and a light sweater preparing myself for a chilly day of sightseeing. I went to the lobby at noon and he wasn't there. Can't say I was totally surprised. I decided to take a seat and give him a few more minutes to arrive. Fifteen minutes later, he arrived. He apologized for being late explaining that a few students had questions afterwards.

"I'm glad you're here," he said. "I honestly didn't think you were going to show up."

"That made two of us," I smiled.

"Come on, let's go explore," he said and grabbed my hand and ushered me through the door.

We walked throughout the city absorbing the energy of its people and the mixture of old and new buildings. We visited Buckingham fountain, walked along the pier, through Millennium Park and had a great view of the city from the Skydeck in the Willis Tower. The whole time we talked about our personal lives; our kids, spouses and family life. I told him exactly what I was going through with my husband and he said he knows exactly how it feels having to start over again. He has two kids and has been divorced for a little over a year. He was the same way when he started dating again; very shy, very reserved and very scared. He hated it actually. He missed the comfort of being with his family and the security that it provided. But he said it got easier and you begin to appreciate yourself more than you have before and have a better understanding of what you had and what you want. At first, he missed everything, but looking back at it now, he realized the marriage wasn't all that it could have been. Now, he looks forward, never back.

He knew exactly what I was going through and I appreciated him more for it. He was so easy to talk to and his company was utterly refreshing. I realized that this is what I was missing in my life, not sex, but companionship. Just two people talking about life surrounded by just enough distractions to keep the conversation light. I felt wonderful being with Terence, and without the possibility sex, I was really able to be myself and enjoy another person's company. When we finally got tired of walking around we hit a bar and danced the night away. By the end of the night we were exhausted and took a cab back to the hotel. We were still smiling and laughing all the way there and into the elevator. We pressed our respective floors and knew that the fun was coming to an end. There was a sad silence between us knowing that this was our last night and that we both had to go back to our separate lives.

"Karen, listen, I just want to thank you for such a wonderful time....."

"You don't have to thank me. I feel better about myself having been with you. You gave me exactly what I needed at a time that I needed it the most. I'm forever grateful," I said.

"You're one of a kind Karen, don't let anyone tell you different."

The elevator doors opened and he gave me a kiss on the cheek before he stepped out and headed to his room. I held my hand up as if to say 'wait', but I put my hand back down thinking the better of it. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I felt the tears in my eyes build up as I fought the urge to cry. I did have his business card and I suppose would could keep in touch that way, but how long would that last? Perhaps, it was best it ends before it starts. When I got back to my room I undressed and jumped in the shower. My body was tired, but my mind was busy thinking about Terence. I tried to put him out of my mind, but I simply couldn't. I wrapped myself up in towels, sat on the bed and checked my email. Surprisingly, I had a message from Daniel.

Karen,

I'm so sorry for the way I behaved. I was wrong. When you get back give me a call, let's have dinner and try to put this behind us. I want to start over with you, make things right. The way it used to be. I love you and I miss you so much.

Daniel

I waited a long time for a message like this, I even dreamt about it. In fact, just a few days ago I would have been happy and overjoyed that Daniel was coming back, but strangely, I wasn't. I mean, I love Daniel, but I was thinking of Terence. I placed my fingers above the keyboard for what seemed like hours, trying to think of what to say to him. Trying to think about what I really wanted from our marriage, what I really needed. I finally gave up and closed my laptop. I laid on the bed staring at the ceiling more confused than ever. I didn't know what to do, but I quickly thought of a person who went through something similar himself and who may have an answer. Only one way to find out!

I dried myself off quickly and threw on the same dress I had on the other night and bolted out the door. I know it was a feeble excuse to see Terence, but it was still an excuse right? When I reached his door I looked around to make sure no one was watching. I don't know why I did that, I just did. I knocked softly on his door not wanting to disturb the neighbours, but no one answered. I knocked a little harder and waited, but still no response. I put my hand up again ready to beat the door down, but I stopped myself. I figured he was probably fast asleep by now, and I really shouldn't be here considering my motives weren't genuine. I turned to leave when the door opened. Terence was covering himself with the door with his head poking out.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Did I wake you?"

"No, not at all, I was just in the shower. Everything ok?"

"Yeah, everything is fine. I umm... just wanted to say goodnight."

"Oh. Ok.... would you like to come in?" he asked and he stuck out his hand.

I looked down both ends of the hallway to make sure no one was around. Once again, I don't know why I did that, I just did, and then placed my hand in his. He guided me through his door and locked it behind us. He was naked except for a towel wrapped around his waist and his body was still slightly wet from the shower. He sat on his bed, putting on a tee shirt waiting for me to talk. I glanced around the room thinking how similar it was to my own. He had a queen bed, with a flat screen TV directly in front of it with a desk and a chair off to the side. The closet was directly across from the bathroom and had a full length mirror attached to the door. Ok, I admit, I wasn't so much glancing around as I was stalling.

"Excuse the mess, I wasn't expecting visitors," he said.

"I'm sorry, did you want me to leave?" I asked.

"Of course not. You look like you have something to say. Something important, perhaps? What is it?"

What I wanted to tell him and what I wanted to do to him were two very contradictory things.

"Nothing important really. I umm.... really just wanted to say goodnight and that I was going to miss you."

"I like your hair like that," he smiled at me.

"What's wrong with my hair?" I replied.

I turned around to face the mirror and started patting down my hair. In my rush to come down here I totally forgot to brush my hair. Terence came from behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. We looked at each other through the mirror. It felt so nice being in his arms.

"You look beautiful," he said.

I smiled a thank you and he softly kissed down the side of my neck. I held on to his arms firmly as my body quivered with delight. He continued to kiss down my neck and gently grazed his teeth along my shoulders. He moved his hands along my stomach and then across my breasts. I tilted my head back against his chest and took a deep breath, never taking my eyes off the mirror. He moved his hands on top of my shoulders and pulled both my straps off simultaneously causing my dress to fall to the floor. He put his arms around my waist again and held me tight while we looked at each other through the mirror. Normally, I would be embarrassed to be on display completely naked in front of anyone, but with him I felt totally at ease.

He removed his shirt and pressed his bare chest flat against my back. The heat of his body gave me goose bumps along my arms. I looked great against his flesh. His tall frame and toned physique complimented all my curves. We really looked great together! He kissed down the side of my neck while his hands travelled across my stomach and up to my breasts. Just watching his hands massage my breasts through the mirror was exciting me beyond belief. We both looked at the mirror watching in admiration as his hands cupped my breasts and his fingers lightly pinched my nipples. I let out a soft moan as he turned me slightly, bent down and began sucking on one of my breasts. I put one of my hands around his neck while running my fingers through his hair with the other.

I watched intently as his tongue flicked against my nipple and then taking it into his warm mouth. I bit my lip as I watched his hand move slowly down my body to the top of my thighs until it nestled firmly between my legs. I let out a soft gasp. He kept his hand there, unmoving and continued to kiss down the side of my body, along my waist, and down the side of my ass. He knelt down in front of me, turned me slightly and continued to kiss across my stomach. I watched as his hands moved slowly from the back of my calves up the back of my thighs until they rested perfectly against my ass. His hands were so big and strong that he had a firm grip on either cheek and I felt every movement of his fingers as he began to massage them. He proceeded to trace his tongue across my stomach and then he turned me completely around so my back was turned to him and kissed down my lower back to my ass.