Toni's Awakening Pt. 03

STEPPING OUT

After a wild one night stand with Carina, Toni is beginning to reconsider her sexual orientation. In this final chapter she goes back to Carina's apartment after work to discuss their future relationship as sexual desires rise to the surface yet again.

Toni had been writing for years, short stories for the most part but the novel she was writing had been redrafted several times because the characters didn't seem to want to play along. Sometimes she felt as if she was merely trotting along behind them recording their conversations and actions for posterity. It was somewhat disconcerting to have a word limit of a few hundred thousand instead of a few thousand and there were times she found herself putting the novel aside just to pen a short story to feel as if she was more in control.

That evening Toni felt very much like one of her characters, knowing the path she intended to take and yet considering other options along the way. Sex with a woman had opened up her world in a whole new way. She'd found it frightening and a little daunting at first but then she'd found her rhythm and ultimately it felt more natural than doing it with a guy. A woman's body was familiar to her, she knew the moves and yet the fact that Carina was also her friend troubled her. What if this killed a friendship? In that way women were no different to guys. You started off friends, became lovers and if you broke up then you lost not only a lover but a friend.

Toni let her eyes play over the restaurant. Customers ate and talked, drank and laughed just as they had the previous night and indeed every other night but it was different now. Her lover was working the other side of the room and every now and then she'd steal a glance in her direction and wonder if this could be maintained. It was one of her golden rules, don't date co-workers and she'd just broken it big time, oh and there was that other rule that she didn't date women. However that last one was more a suggestion than a rule.

She'd spent the morning in a class trying to focus on rewriting one of the passages her teacher had supplied and as luck would have it she chose a paragraph describing the feelings a man had for a woman. Her teacher had jokingly remarked that the women who chose that piece could change the gender to suit themselves. Toni had kept the gender and rewritten it to describe Carina in flowing prose that she had always considered silly. Secretly she was mocking the piece, trying to turn it into satire but her teacher had thought otherwise when Toni read out her paragraph.

"That's amazing," he beamed, "you've really made that come alive in a new way, I feel almost jealous that I haven't met this woman yet."

Toni blushed and not because of the praise, it literally was the way she felt about Carina at that point in time, drawn into her world with no thought for the consequences, hoping for the best and yet fearing the worst, unable to believe her luck.

She left college right after class with every intention of going home but instead ended up dawdling her way along a strip mall, she bought some food in one store and then found herself in a thrift store she'd been in only once before. She tried on some clothes and eventually bought a couple of tops and two bracelets, but some of the other clothes she'd looked at would have suited Carina and she almost bought a patterned shirt before changing her mind. Toni exited the store with her purchases and a sense that things were spiralling out of control.

Carina's text took her by surprise and after a brief exchange she felt as if a weight had been lifted from her shoulders. Carina still liked her and she almost went back to buy the shirt before changing her mind and going home.

It was sitting at home that really brought it all back though. It was here on the unmade sofa bed that she'd spread her legs for a woman and Toni laid down on the sofa bed with her nose about where Carina's head had been. She could still smell a hint of her perfume and not long afterwards she drifted into a light sleep punctuated by sudden starts whenever a car went past. Eventually she got up and folded the sofa bed up and went through to try and do some writing.

However that was not meant to be. It seemed that all her inspiration had dried up, a familiar feeling and one she'd overcome many times in the past but today she felt no great desire to do any of the things to break through. She was still reliving the previous night, going over the things they'd said and done to each other and with each passing moment Toni felt a mixture of happiness, fear, and longing. Could this be maintained? How would it be in three months time when Carina left for Scotland? Would Carina change her plans or would it be Toni who did all the changing?

"Enough," she told herself, "you're thinking too far in the future, you fucked once. It might not happen again."

And yet despite that very sage advice, Toni took more care with her routine when getting ready for work. Shower, manicure, hair and then her outfit. She dallied over her underwear drawer before opting for a sexy black thong and matching black bra, just wearing the thong felt like an invitation and she chose the newer of her white blouses, even though the one she'd worn last night could still be worn tonight. She almost wore the same trousers until she decided on a whim to wear the mid length black skirt. Toni rarely wore skirts to work and now that she was wearing one it was back to the underwear drawer to find pantyhose, of which she had precious little choice, black or white and the black pair had a run in the ass. But Carina would be the only person to see that she mused as she knotted the tie and pushed it upwards.

"You look good enough to fuck," Toni told herself as she took a selfie and sent it to Carina.

Carina: You look hot xxx

Toni stared at the selfie Carina had sent and felt a shiver run down her spine.

Toni: So do you, babe xxx

And yet despite that promising exchange there was no greeting kiss when she arrived at work but then again this was different she realised a split second later. Carina's smile seemed warmer and perhaps suggestive but she wasn't going to out her at work.

"Catch ya in the break," Carina nodded at the counter, "you're working the other side of the room."

"Right," Toni switched into the old familiar role of supervisor and subordinate, conscious that other women might have observed the greeting. Would they know or guess anything? Or was she just being paranoid?

It seemed the latter was the case when they both stepped out for a quick break. Carina drew her a little further away from the door and positioned herself so that she could see anyone coming out before Toni.

"We never talked about this last night," Carina began, "I'm not about to out you."

"Good," she exhaled slowly, "I mean not that it's a bad thing," she looked past her, "I should but right now I'm confused."

"I guessed that," Carina nodded, "it's okay to doubt and even change your mind. You're still my friend and it might disappoint me but I could get over it."

Toni didn't register anything for a few seconds and then she glanced quickly over her shoulder and took one step closer and turned back to her. Both women stared at each other and then Toni leaned forward and kissed her lightly and gently.

"Thank you, I haven't made up my mind yet but you just scored a brownie point."

Carina smiled and kissed her, this kiss lasted a few seconds later but there was suggestiveness in the lingering kiss before she pulled back.

"So, what are you doing tonight? Fancy some company or are you going to write another chapter of your book?"

"Um, yeah," Toni replied, "I mean yeah, we should go back, perhaps to your place?"

"My place?" Carina smirked, "you sure you're ready for my place?"

"Why? How many women have you got stashed there?"

"None last time I looked, I tend to use the apartment for sleeping and eating, playtime is always in someone else's apartment."

"So, I might be the first?"

"You might very well be," Carina replied, "and let's be honest we do need to talk about what comes next in this story."

It was a potent reminder that at some point Toni would have to make a decision and as they made their way back inside a few minutes later she resolved to keep her mind open. Life just happens her mother had told her once, in spite of yourself. The rest of their shift was uneventful apart from one customer who complained that the dessert was not to her liking and she told Carina in words that had Toni wishing she was able to empty the plate over her lap.

"What a bitch," Toni fumed as they walked to the station, "I'd have dumped that dessert on her lap."

"Ooh, you're showing your dark side," Carina nudged her playfully, "in Britain they have this cool saying for women like that, mutton dressed as lamb."

That comment led to Carina's recollections of Britain, a country she regarded as almost like a home away from home. Carina had lived primarily in Glasgow but had backpacked all over the country, staying in hostels and the occasional B & B.

"London is ridiculously expensive if you want to live there, the hostels were my cheapest option but the tube is actually quite easy to use, very similar to our system, the lines are all colour coded."

She was still talking as they exited the station onto busy Armitage Avenue but slowed as they drew nearer to the charcoal grey frontage of Starbucks.

"The thing I loved the most though was their health service. I sprained my ankle doing something stupid and just turned up at the hospital thinking how much is this going to cost me? I sat for a bit," she stopped at the corner of North Sheffield.

"But I was seen to and when I asked where do I pay they just said no charge, I was like why the fuck don't we have that system here?"

"What's the catch?" Toni nudged her glasses further up her nose.

"There is no catch," she slipped a hand into the crook of her arm, "come on, we're not far."

Carina wasn't joking as she guided her around the corner into the tree-lined avenue. She lived in an apartment block not far from the corner. The red brick veneer looked as if it had been recently restored and Toni glanced over her shoulder briefly as they entered the building.

"I love it here, I must admit," Carina nodded at the elevator, "it still has that village feel."

"It must cost a bomb," Toni replied.

"Not for me it doesn't," Carina pushed the button, "this apartment belonged to my grandmother, she moved over here after her husband died and stayed here until she died. Mom kept the apartment and stays here whenever she's in town on business."

"What does she do?"

"She's an activist for a women's group. Mom has written two books on gender equality and often gets asked to speak."

"And what does your dad think about that?"

"Ah that's a question without an easy answer," she replied as the elevator doors opened.

They both stepped inside and Carina waited until the doors closed.

"Mom and dad have their arrangement, a variation of don't ask, don't tell," she leaned against the back of the elevator, "they each have their lovers but are polite enough to not to embarrass the other, she has a lover in Chicago, he has a girlfriend in New York."

Toni took a moment to process the information before asking the obvious question.

"So, why are they together?"

"Convenience for one," Carina's eyes flickered to the doors as the elevator stopped, "I guess for them it's acceptance that monogamy doesn't suit them but it doesn't mean they can't stay together for financial and other reasons," she stepped forward as the doors opened.

"Maybe one day that might change, but it's been that way for the last few years so I can't see it changing any time soon," she glanced across at her.

"Don't worry, it's not a genetic condition, I'm very monogamous."

Toni felt a surge of relief as Carina unlocked her apartment and waved her inside.

"So, how do you feel about it?"

"I got used to the idea but I still think it's weird."

"You and me both," Toni stared at the pictures in the hallway, "is that your mom?"

"That's mom," Carina locked the door, "it was taken by her boyfriend, he owns a photography studio that specialises in glamour pictures," she unbuttoned her coat.

"That's how they met up," she parted the coat.

"She chanced across his advertisement and booked herself in for an appointment, I don't know how it all happened because it's not something I ask about but they ended up becoming lovers," she hung her coat on a hook.

"Hang your coat up, I'll make the coffee or would you like something stronger?"

"Coffee's fine," she started unbuttoning her coat.

Carina moved past her, leaving Toni alone in the hallway to contemplate the other pictures. Carina's father looked to be the same age as her own father but with less hair and he had a severe look in his eyes as if standing in front of a camera was an inconvenience. Carina's three sisters looked almost as beautiful as Carina. Two were older and the other was younger than Carina. It stood to reason that the mother was a feminist activist with four daughters she told Carina a minute or so later as she entered the kitchen.

"Yeah, there's always plenty of oestrogen floating around the house at Thanksgiving, dad always wanted a boy, so much so that my youngest sister was called Charley when mom finally gave in and let him choose a name that sounded manly."

"And he still works for the CIA."

"Well he never calls it the CIA, officially he calls it the Company but these days he's working for some private security firm as a consultant, but they've certainly got overseas contracts so I resort to the old don't ask, don't tell rule."

"How does that affect you? All these open secrets?"

"It was one of the reasons I had to travel. I just wanted to get out and clear my head. I mean it's not normal to live like this," she loosened her tie.

"Normal marriages disintegrate if someone cheats on their partner, but my parents seem to treat it as just a different way of doing things," she undid the top button of her blouse.

"But the other side of me thinks that there is some kind of twisted logic at work here. There's no divorce settlement, she has her money and he has his money. They have a joint account for normal household expenses and sleep in separate rooms. The only time we're all together as a family unit is for special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas."

She leaned against the bench and studied a photograph of a city that looked distinctly European as she continued.

"It was Charlott who really helped me come to terms with it. She used to say we're not our parents, we can only learn from our parents but we can only repeat their mistakes of our own free will," she glanced at the coffee maker.

"It's a German thing to be honest, they're very conscious of their Nazi past."

"So do you still see Charlott?"

"We email and like Facebook posts but Charlott is with someone else and I'm always careful about my contact with her. I was the one who left her after all, the mere fact that she's still okay with me talking to her is amazing."

"I think it's amazing too," Toni moved closer to the picture, "where is that?"

"Copenhagen from the top of the Round Tower. It's an amazing tower with a walkway that just goes around and around until you get to the top. I went there twice, once during the day, which is when I took that picture and once at night when the observatory was open. Copenhagen is an amazing city, I actually lost weight because I was cycling everywhere."

"You don't look like you need to lose weight," Toni glanced over her shoulder and smiled.

"Well I had put on weight in Germany, the girl I was rooming with used to cook because it was what she called therapeutic and because I was new in the country she used me as a guinea pig to try out all her recipes."

"I'd love to go there," Toni studied the photograph.

"Well it's an hour and forty five minutes from Edinburgh to Copenhagen, and a fifteen minute journey from the airport to the city centre."

"Are you trying to seduce me?" Toni turned towards her.

"I might be," Carina ran a hand along the bench, "I'll be staying with one of my cousins but if I brought a friend she'd be okay about that."

"Until we started fucking."

Carina chuckled at that and shook her head.

"It's different in Britain, especially Scotland. There is homophobia wherever you go but they don't have the same hangups as us Americans, we hide it all under the bed along with our whips and chains but they do talk about it there, and in European countries it's even more normal."

Toni propped against the small table by the wall as Carina made coffee. The open offer sounded tempting, a European vacation would certainly enable her to spread her wings and yet there was one thing she needed to consider.

"That just leaves one last question," Toni mused as they sat down on the couch a few minutes later, "the elephant in the room."

"Ah that," Carina settled back against the couch and stared at the ceiling, "I wondered when you were going to get around to that one. There's an old joke in the lesbian community, on the second date you turn up in a U-Haul truck," her eyes flickered to Toni.

"Sorry, it's a shitty joke."

"But a funny joke though," Toni nudged at her glasses, "the truth be told I feel myself wavering between two choices. I can either write this off as a brief encounter or I can embrace it and while I might not move in yet I'd be here a lot."

Carina closed her eyes momentarily while Toni fidgeted with a ring.

"Can I suggest a third alternative?" Carina opened her eyes.

"What?"

"One day at a time," she went on, "my mother's boyfriend is an AA member, he's been sober for over fifteen years and one time I asked him if he was cured. He just smiled and said no, he was just sober one day at a time. He's never sworn off drinking for the rest of his life because he doesn't know what will happen tomorrow. I kind of laughed it off at the time but later on I really thought about it and it makes sense. It's why he can be in a relationship with a married woman who still lives with her husband, he might not see it as ideal but he can put up with it for a day at a time," she shifted in her seat.

"So maybe that's the third choice. You're with me today but you don't have to promise to be with me tomorrow, and if you wake up tomorrow and decide you still love me then that's good, but if not then I can live with it. I'll do the same for you and when I fly to Scotland the same rule applies, you'll either come with me or stay behind. I'm not going to lead you down the path and I sure as hell am not going to follow you either. I want you beside me today as an equal but it's a choice we make each morning."

"A day at a time," Toni leaned forward to look at her phone as it beeped, "it sounds too simple."

"Frank calls it a simple program for complicated people. I don't like working where I am now but I can put up with it one day at a time because I know it's not forever. I can also commit to one person for a single day without worrying that our love might wither and die."

"This third option actually sounds good but what about plans for the future?"

"There's nothing wrong with planning for the future, we all plan for the future. Frank has his own plans too, just not a plan for mom but planning gives us something to aim for, what I'm talking about is our obsession with controlling every aspect of our lives. We can't predict the future and we can't live with fear or false hopes for the future."

"I need to pee," Toni stood up.

"Through that door, the door at the end," Carina pointed.

It was such an insanely simple idea and yet as Toni emptied her bladder she felt as if Carina had pierced her with a diamond point, the logic was faultless and it worked on so many different levels. She hated her job but accepted she had to earn money, she loved her writing but often despaired of making it as a writer, she lived in eternal hope of meeting that special person and yet when she was in a relationship she became fretful and anxious.