Too Far

“I’m, I’m sorry I asked. I wasn’t thinking. Of course I wouldn’t want you to have to violate your beliefs. I was just, I didn’t think of it that way. Please. The lingerie isn’t as important to me as you. I’ll prove it to you.” Carol started unbuttoning her blouse.

This was just plain strange.

She removed the blouse and stripped off her bra. Her argument was looking just a little better to me. “Here, I’m going to burn it. I want to show you how unimportant it is to me.”

I grabbed for the bra but she evaded me. “This is silly, Carol. Burning that bra only makes you need to buy another one.”

“I’m going to burn it.”

I started to chase after her and she ran across the bed to escape. I realized that I wasn’t so angry anymore. I managed to grab her and she started laughing. It was catching.

We made up.

Some time later I thought back on the argument. I couldn’t believe how far she was willing to ask me to go to get what she wanted. I was also far from convinced that this was just an error in judgment. I believed that this was a fight she decided she couldn’t win and it would be better for her future demands if she backed down as quickly and completely as she could. Maybe I’m just a suspicious guy.

Of course, I had surprised myself in this argument as well. She was right about escalation. I had leaped from being cajoled to threatening divorce. Was it all out of proportion? Likely. Did I mean it? I don’t know. My reaction was visceral and not logical as I had suggested. I guess we both understood the ground rules for future confrontations a little better. I hoped she didn’t think she could win an argument just by getting naked, as persuasive as that might be. These clashes were infrequent and paled in importance to the good times.

Carol and I took advantage of weekends by spending as much time together as we could. By no means were these naked, stay-at-home weekends. I hadn’t married her to be a fuck toy. I valued her companionship, her intelligence and her generosity – except for those times she was trying to wheedle something out of me. The movies, museums, games and dinners I had to spend alone out of town, I shared with her on weekends and the odd days I worked locally or had off due to lack of an assignment. I thought we were happy. I may even have been right about that despite subsequent events that cast doubt on that belief.

One weekend, lying naked and sweaty in a small pool of bodily fluids, she surprised me with a delightful tidbit. “Some of the girls at work told me their husbands fantasize about watching them with another man. Is that a fantasy you’ve ever thought about honey?”

“Nope. That’s something their husbands really fantasized about?”

“Some more than fantasized.”

“Really? I don’t get that. Why not just stay single if you want to be with other people?”

“They say they’re excited by seeing their wives get so much pleasure. How about you? Wouldn’t you like to see your honey ecstatic?”

I chuckled and lifted the covers. “Does it look like the idea interests me?”

“Maybe you don’t want to just watch. Maybe you want to join in.”

“Are you asking for permission?”

“Maybe.”

“Ask your next husband. The current one has no interest. If I wanted us to be screwing around, we’d be single. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of opportunities on the road. But it’s not something I would ever do. You just don’t know when to stop, do you?”

“Oh, relax. I’m just kidding around. Some of the girls told me about it and I thought it would be fun to tease you. You’re always so serious. Can’t you take a joke?”

Again, my suspicion told me she sensed that she had gone too far, that I was on the verge of unrestrained escalation and she had decided it would be unwise to press the issue. On the other hand sometimes I am too serious and occasionally I’m slow to pick up on a tease as Annie had found out.

“In fact, if I found out you were cheating on me, I’d think very seriously about leaving you. At the very least, I would get some nasty revenge,” she said.

“I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it. I’m not interested in anyone but you, Carol.”

“You better not be.”

I needed to understand this better. Had I completely misunderstood? “Is this just a fantasy, Carol? Is that what I was overreacting to? I wouldn’t want you to be afraid to express your fantasies. Fantasies are just in your imagination. It’s not like you really do them. Everyone has fantasies.”

“Oh? What’s your fantasy?”

“That same one that almost all straight men have, of being with two women, one of them you. But I would never do anything to make it a reality.”

“No, you wouldn’t. And no, it wasn’t a fantasy. I told you I was just fooling around. But look, if it will help you feel better, I’ll burn my bra.”

“That’s not the answer to every problem.”

“Just fooling around.”

Without any compelling evidence to the contrary, I let it drop.

It was a Friday night in Evansville, Indiana and I couldn’t get a plane out until morning. This was my fourth straight week on the road and I was relieved that I would get to spend a week at home. Not only was I weary, but I was in pain. I’d had a toothache for the last three days and today I’d picked up a prescription for Percocet and an antibiotic from a local dentist. Pain wears me out and affects my judgment. It’s more difficult to concentrate through pain.

The work was finished and I was having dinner in the restaurant in my hotel. Not that I wouldn’t have eaten but I was supposed to take the Percoset with a meal. Unexpectedly, a pair of female hands covered my eyes from behind. A pair of breasts pressed into my back. I felt her soft hair against my neck as she spoke gently into my ear.

“Imagine meeting you here, stranger.”

We were not strangers. I immediately recognized the voice. “Nicole? What are you doing in Evansville?”

“That was too easy.” She pretended to pout. “A trip for work. I go back tomorrow. What about you?”

“Me too. I’ve been working here during the week for about four weeks now. You know how often I get sent away.” She knew because she was my wife’s best friend. “Does Carol know you’re out here? Did she send you?”

“I don’t even think she knows I’m out of town.”

“I’m being rude. Have you eaten? Would you like to join me?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to impose.”

“You make a good point. Do I want to lose the opportunity to eat alone yet again because I’m being imposed upon by a good looking woman?”

She sat down. “You don’t always have to be such a smart ass.”

“Why are you sitting? I haven’t made my decision yet.”

She flagged the waitress and asked for a menu.

This was a very welcome surprise. I liked Nicole. She was fun to be with. Even if she hadn’t been, it would have been much better than being alone.

It turned out to be way better. Dinner paled in comparison to the sparkling conversation. I hadn’t cared much for Carol’s fantasy but I now had one of my own. Had Carol sent Nicole like she had sent Annie just so I could have another good night on the road? What a thoughtful wife I had.

After dinner I had a black Russian and Nicole had a Manhattan and we danced for a while. There were some slow dances mixed in but Nicole did not take the same liberties that Sandy had. We wound up back at the table and each ordered a cup of coffee.

“Nicole, I’ve really enjoyed your company tonight. This was kind of like a very nice first date. I hope I run into you again when I’m on the road. Better yet, I hope I can get off of the road.”

“I know what it’s like to be alone on the road too.”

“Nah. You’re single and you’re hot. I’ll bet you don’t have many dinners alone.”

“Well.”

“I didn’t think so. Excuse me for a minute. I have to hit the men’s room.”

“I think I’ll go to the little girls room.”

I stood to slide out her chair from under her but waved me off.

“I have to find something in my bag and then I’ll go. Don’t worry, I’ll come back.”

Nicole returned around five minutes after me. It reminded me of how lonely the night could have been.

“Do you take sugar or cream?”

“Sugar,” I said.

We sat and sipped and talked for a while. I was beginning to feel strange even though I had only consumed one drink. “I’m not feeling too good, Nicole. I wonder if I was supposed to stay away from alcohol after taking the Percoset. I didn’t read the damn instructions. I think I better get back to my room.”

“I’m sorry the evening has to end so early. I hope you feel better.”

I started to get up but felt dizzy and fell back into my seat.

“I think you better let me help you back to your room.”

I’m often reluctant to accept assistance, but my legs were shaky and I felt uncharacteristically compliant. I accepted her offer.

The side of the elevator aided her greatly in keeping me upright. She took my card key and guided me into my room.

I was feeling strange. Not ill, just strange. In fact, I was surprisingly mellow. Were it not for the extreme instability of my legs, I would have thought I was just a bit tipsy. Percoset is a narcotic, isn’t it?

“Thank you for helping me back to my room. That was so niiiice.”

She helped me over to the bed. “Do you feel okay? You’re acting a little peculiar.”

“I feel fine.” I must have. I had a big smile that just wouldn’t go away. “Let’s dance.” I tried to get up but my legs reminded me of the folly of that notion.

“Be careful,” she said.

“You’re so sweet. What a good friend.”

“You’re sweet too.” She kissed me on the cheek.

“Thank you.” I put my arms around her and gave her a big hug. It must have been a long one too because at some point I realized I was hugging her and didn’t remember when I had started.

“I think I better put you to bed. You don’t seem to be in very good shape.”

“No. I can do it myself.” I lifted a leg up with my hands, fell off the bed and started laughing. For some reason that escapes me now this seemed hysterically funny.

“Sure you can.” She got on the floor with me and removed my shoes and socks. I wasn’t much help. She took off my jacket with some difficulty, got up and hung it over a chair. Then she returned and helped me back onto the bed. She took off my tie and shirt and I started laughing again. After she hung them up, she returned again to the bed and undid my belt. After unbuttoning my pants and lowering the fly, she pushed me onto my back and struggled to get my pants off. I was unable to help.

“You’re trying to seduce me.” This too seemed really funny and I laughed until I was getting short of breath.

She pulled aside the sheets and pushed me around until I was in position to be covered up. Then she suddenly whipped off my boxers.

“Okay,” I said. I had no idea what was okay.

“I don’t like the way you look. I’m going to stay for a while in case you need help.”

“Okay.”

“I just don’t think I should leave you alone.”

“Okay.”

I heard her moving around and most of the lights went out. After a while I felt the bed depress. She moved next to me and pulled the covers over us.

“I’m going to stay here with you and take care of you.”

“Okay.” I was in a surprisingly good mood. I usually can’t bear not to be fully in control. But for some reason it wasn’t bothering me.

She snuggled in closer and that’s when I realized, “Hey, you don’t have any clothes on.”

“I didn’t want to wrinkle them.”

“That’s good thinking.”

“You just relax and rest.”

I did. I think I was asleep for a while. I awoke to Carol kissing me. I thought I’d been away but I must have been confused. Sometimes the days all run together. Carol was especially passionate tonight. I guess absence does make the heart grow fonder. And hornier. My god, I didn’t remember the last time I felt such need.

I returned her passion with a vengeance almost seeking to consume her with my mouth. Her moans and explorations bespoke an urgency I shared. She grabbed my buttocks and pulled me on top of her. I felt everything. I smelled everything. I heard everything. Never before had my senses been this acute.

“Carol, this is amazing. I've never felt so close to you.”

“I'm not Carol. I'm Nicole.”

I hesitated. What was I doing? How did this happen? This was wrong.

“It's all right, Simon. It's all right.”

It was all right. I moved forward and was enveloped. It was warm and sensual and luxurious. I slowly moved in and out.

Carol, Nicole tired of the pace. ”Faster.” It was more than a suggestion.

I tried to comply, but I did not seem to be able.

“Faster.”

“I can’t.”

“Okay. We’ll try it your way.”

As far as I could tell, my way was working pretty well. I couldn’t count, but occasionally I felt movements and heard sounds that I recognized as her orgasms. At some point I felt sensations that signaled mine. It was electrifying but exhausting. I slept.

Some time later I awoke to find her on top of me. Which one was this? Was it Carol or Nicole? Even though I had slept, I was ever more fatigued. My senses were fatigued as well. Nicole, I could recognize her now, rode me with an enthusiasm that made up for my tepid participation. She succeeded in wringing another orgasm from me and I passed out.

It was morning. Sunlight streamed into the room. I was aroused, but it was not the morning variety. Carol's mouth was down there shepherding my pleasure. I stretched. I opened my eyes and looked down at Carol’s – “Nicole! What the hell are you doing?” I grabbed her head and pulled her off of me with considerable difficulty. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s okay, Simon.”

“It’s not okay.” I pulled the sheet over my lower body. My blood pressure shot up. My skin flushed.

“It’s okay. You seduced me and I stayed the night.”

“I seduced you? I don’t …”

“It was wonderful.”

“I’m so sorry. I, I don’t know what came over me. Please forgive me. I never meant to do it. I mean, not that there is anything wrong with you but I love Carol. Oh, God, what have I done?”

“Don’t be sorry. You couldn’t have seduced me if I hadn’t wanted you to. I’m not upset at all. I feel great.”

I didn’t. A deep sadness and shame pervaded me. I had spoken with such conviction, almost arrogance, of the impossibility of ever doing this and I had done it. It didn’t matter that I had let Carol down, well, it did, but the worst part was that I had let myself down. I was not the man I thought I was and that devastated me. “I’m just another jerk, like all those other jerks.”

Nicole tried to console me but it lacked conviction. She seemed more pleased with the situation than empathetic.

What would I do? Had I lost Carol? Had I cost her Nicole’s friendship? For the moment I chose to focus on the details of getting home.

“How did my suitcase get packed?” It was sitting on a chair.

“I did it. I went back to my room and got my stuff and then I came back here and packed your suitcase so we could have more time together this morning.”

“Thanks. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t use that tone with you. This wasn’t your fault.”

She sat there on the bed naked, appealing. “So are we going to take advantage of my planning?”

“No. This should never have happened. Doing it again would make it worse.”

“You’ve already committed the crime. One more time isn’t going to make it any worse.”

“I … I don’t understand why I did it last night but this is a new opportunity to decide whether to do the right thing or the wrong thing. The least I can do is choose to stop doing the wrong thing. I’m sorry. It’s nothing against you. I just have to start behaving correctly.”

“Please?”

“No. What do I do now? I don't know. Carol has a right to know. I owe it to her. But if I tell her it's really going to hurt her. Is it selfish to unburden some of my guilt at the price of her pain?”

Nicole didn't answer, but her demeanor changed. She had been very positive and accepting of the situation. But now, somehow, she seemed sad.

“I guess I can live with the guilt myself. But if she finds out on her own, she is going to be even more hurt. Talk about having to choose between two equally unattractive options. You're her best friend. What do you think?”

“I don't know what to tell you. I'm sure you guys will eventually work it out.” It seemed like there was more she wanted to say, but she refrained. There was a look of pain, perhaps of regret, in her eyes.

“Are you okay?” I moved to give her a reassuring embrace, but the sheet dropped and I realized we were both naked. “What can I do to make this right with you?”

She smiled, leaned over and squeezed my hand. “It's okay with me. You don't have to do anything.”

I headed for the shower. It would have been absurdly immodest to try to cover myself at this point.

Nicole and I spoke just enough to manage the details of getting to the airport. Thankfully, we were not seated together on the plane. I had the whole flight to think about whether or not I was going to tell Carol. There being no good choice, I came to no decision.

I took a cab home from the airport. Until I decided, I would have to act as if everything were fine.

Carol greeted me enthusiastically. “Let's get you unpacked, tuck your stuff away and then I want to tuck you away, cutie.”

“You have such a dirty mind. I’m such a lucky guy.”

While we were unpacking the choice was made for me. I heard her shout. “What the hell is this?”

I turned. She was holding up a blue pair of lacy bikini panties. I turned red.

“Who does this belong to and how did you get it?”

I didn't answer immediately.

“Don’t go trying to make up some story. You’re busted, buster.”

“No story. No excuses. I can’t even explain it. I don’t understand what happened myself.”

“Who is she?”

“Nicole.”

“My best friend? You fucked my best friend? You make me sick. Get out. Go stay in the guestroom. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to talk to you again. Get out.”

It had gone better than I had expected. I was still married, at least for the time being.

On Monday I went to the doctor for testing. I had no reason to believe that Nicole had any diseases but it would have been stupid not to be safe, to the extent that was possible at this late date.

Carol didn’t talk to me for three days. She was still angry when she spoke.

“I’ve decided not to divorce you but I’m outraged and I know what I need to get past this. I’m going to get revenge. I’m going to find somebody to fuck, and I want you to be there when I do it.”

“Carol, two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“They do for me. I’m just going to fuck a stranger. You fucked my best friend.”

“I didn’t mean to. I didn’t have any plan or intention. It just happened.”

“Would you prefer I wait until some stranger makes a play for me and let it just happen?”

“I’m not trying to lessen the severity of what I’ve done. I’m saying that methodically planning it takes it to another level beyond what I did. I’m also not saying that I would have any right to hold it against you. It would hurt, but I don’t have that right. As far as watching, there’s no chance of that.”

“And what if I insist on it? What if I need it to get me past this? Otherwise I couldn’t stay married.”

I was getting steamed. “This is your fantasy, isn’t it? You brought this up before. Do you think you need this to get past my behavior or are you just using it as an excuse to force your fantasy down my throat? What if you go too far in my mind? Does that give me the right to force a fantasy down your throat? Where does it end, when one of us goes so far that we split up? Is that your idea of getting past it?”

“You’re talking pretty high and mighty for someone who stooped so low.”

“I’m talking like I love you and I don’t want to head down a path where it will become impossible for us to be together. Do you have carte blanche? What if you want to cut off my arm? Is that okay because I cheated? Is there no limit?” Could the neighbors hear me?