Too Far

“All right. I’ll give in on you watching.” She seemed more disappointed than angry. “At least you recognize my right to get even.”

“I didn’t remotely say that. There is no right to do the wrong thing. I just said I had no right to hold it against you. As much as I have damaged our relationship, I think what you’re planning will just make it worse.”

“I’ll let you know when to be gone. You'll know when it happens because you won't be getting any until then.”

This wasn't right. I don't mean that what she was planning to do was not right. Of course it wasn’t. I mean that there was something out of place about this whole situation. She had taken three days to decide on an appropriate action. But she had also told me that if she ever found me cheating, she would exact her revenge. Why, then, did it take her three days to decide? Maybe she just had to build up the resolve to go through with it. But she had been fairly insistent upon me watching, and she had brought that up before. She seemed disappointed not to have extracted that concession from me, though her demeanor before and after that was angry.

How long would I be cut off? This was a tactic she had used in the past to get her way. If her revenge turned out to be soon, it would probably be because she had someone in mind all along. Then there was the fact that she really hadn't responded to any of my arguments. That was typical when she was trying to get something. But in other circumstances, she would carefully consider what I had to say, respond thoughtfully and sometimes be won over to my point of view.

What I had was inconclusive evidence and a bad feeling about it. I decided that I needed to collect more information in order to find out what was really going on. Maybe she was going to pretend to cheat in order to teach me a lesson. But then she wouldn't have insisted that I watch -- unless she was prepared for me to talk her out of it. Maybe this was just what she said, revenge. Maybe she had this planned all along and was just looking for the opportunity to be with him in a way that she couldn’t be blamed. Maybe she was having an affair with him while I was out of town and this was being staged so that if I caught her in the future, she could say, “It was only a one time lapse with my revenge guy and I’m sorry. It will never happen again.” Maybe it was something so twisted and devious I hadn’t even been able to imagine it. I decided that the only way I could really know would be to tape them to hear what she said and see how she acted.

I had to move quickly. I had no idea when she would do this. I went to my office in the basement and searched the Web for information and specifications on surveillance equipment. I also searched for local stores where I could buy the equipment, because I didn't know if I had time to wait for it to be shipped. I decided to build redundancy into my plan, because the information was too important not to capture. I would hide cameras in our bedroom, the guest bedroom and in the den. These were the most likely places for her assignation. I suppose I could have put cameras in the living room and the recreation room, but I was trying to find out what she was doing, not bring down a spy ring. I would split the camera feeds, so that each would record on a VCR and be routed to a hard drive on my server as well. The VCRs would only tape for eight hours, and I had no idea how much time she planned to spend. My storage capacity was huge, and I could capture video for days without running out of disk space. I suppose it was possible that I was focusing on all of this to distract me from my guilt and trepidation over the damage that was being done to our marriage.

Fortunately, I was in town this week, so I called in and took a personal day. Shortly after Carol left the house, I started on my errands. I dispatched them quickly, but it took the better part of the day to install the cameras and the wiring and keep the whole thing unobtrusive. The splitters and the software setup I was able to do in my office after dinner since Carol was still ignoring me.

Friday afternoon, Carol called me at the office and told me not to bother coming home for dinner. She said I should spend the night somewhere else, and that she would call me when it was all right to come home. I didn't need to do anything. The software services were already installed on my network, and the recording would be motion-activated.

This spying was not an adventure. It was something I felt I needed to do in order to understand the situation. I went to a restaurant for dinner, and then got a motel room. As I sat in the room looking at the blank TV screen I wondered what the hell I was doing. What kind of man would allow his wife to do what mine was doing now? A wimp! Someone who didn’t deserve to have his feelings spared. I grabbed my keys and bolted out the door. I was going to go home and stop this. I would grab him and throw him out of my house.

I got as far as putting the key into the ignition before I started to think again. What was I going to say to Carol? “If you cheat on me I’m leaving you.” The problem with that is that I would also have to say, “If you don’t forgive me for cheating, I’m leaving you.” The juxtaposition of those two sentences was absurd. While the manner in which she was cheating was more hurtful, why should I be forgiven but she should not for doing the same thing?

But there was more. Suppose I was successful in asserting my manhood tonight. What would stop Carol from doing this the first night I was out of town? Or every night I was out of town for that matter? I couldn’t quit my job to stay home and watch her all the time. That would be no life for either of us in any event. Then she would tell me what she had done. The only difference would be that I hadn’t voluntarily stayed away to let it happen. Or maybe she wouldn’t tell me. She’d just keep doing it until she was caught.

I slid the key from the ignition. Confronting her tonight was not the solution. At best it deferred her revenge. At worst it could make the situation much more destructive to the continuation of our marriage.

I exited the car and went back to the room. No workable solution came to mind. I tried to watch some TV, but found it difficult to concentrate. I was awash in apprehension. At the early hour of ten I drifted off to an uneasy sleep.

I awoke at eight, but despite the passage of considerable time, I was not well rested. I dressed and went to breakfast. Carol called my cell just after nine. She was cheerful, almost ebullient.

“You can come home now. I'm going shopping for the day and I won't be back until late afternoon. You’re gonna get lucky tonight big guy. See you later.”

She didn't even wait for a response. As far, she was concerned, the matter had come to a successful conclusion. It ain't necessarily so. I checked out and drove home.

I settled down in front of the computer and checked the VCR's. Only the one in the bedroom had logged any significant time. It hadn’t used the full eight hours. I guess they got some sleep.

I was now faced with a problem I had not considered. I would have to watch her doing what I had refused to watch her doing, in order to complete my understanding of the situation. It was a distasteful prospect and my stomach was queasy even before I started. I could probably watch the entire tape in the time Carol would be gone, but I didn't want to put myself through that torture if it could be avoided. I would try to watch some snippets and see if they were sufficiently revealing. I rewound about an hour and started the tape.

I hit a lowlight immediately. There was a dark-haired man on top of Carol, between her legs. They were wrapped around his back. He let her do the talking. She didn’t lack for enthusiasm.

“Oh, God. Fuck me harder. This is fantastic; so much better than I imagined it!”

How long had she been imagining it?

He joined in with the highly imaginative, “Oh baby.” Didn’t he even remember her fucking name?

I heard myself talking out loud. “I can’t believe …” I bolted for the nearest bathroom. I managed to slow down enough not to bruise my knees when I hit the floor. I ejected my breakfast into the toilet bowl. I cleaned myself up, but went back to the floor and stayed there for some time until I felt less nauseous.

Many men tell stories about finding their wives so engaged acting as an agent of arousal. For me, it was an emetic.

I trudged back toward my office. Could I watch more? Was I sufficiently purged to get through it?

As I entered the office, I saw Carol heading toward the bed from the direction of the bathroom. She was naked. What was unmistakably semen was glistening on her thighs. She hadn't used protection. Neither of us would be getting lucky tonight.

She sat down on the bed and picked up the phone. Was this when she had called me?

“Hi.”

Who was on the other end of the phone?

“It was fantastic.”

Shit! I didn’t think of recording the phone. I could only imagine the other side of the conversation.

“No. It was everything I expected. The only way it could have been better was if Simon had been there, watching. I didn’t really think I’d be able to get him to go along with that. He’s so self-righteous.

“I don’t know. Simon is out of town a lot, but I don't think I want the pressure of having to hide an affair.”

Was she talking to him?

“I know. Thank you. None of this would have been possible without you. I don't suppose you could get Simon again, could you?” She giggled at this.

Nicole? Nobody else had gotten me. I thought I had gotten her.

“Well, I feel wonderful. Say, why don’t we go out for a day of shopping? Simon is in no position to complain about me spending money. What do you say?

“Great. I’ll call you, and Simon, when I’m ready to leave.” The “and Simon” part sounded coquettish.

Carol hung up and headed for the bathroom.

When she next appeared on the screen, she was getting ready for her shopping adventure.

She was awfully friendly with Nicole considering that she too had betrayed Carol. She couldn’t have had her tryst without Nicole? The panties! Nicole had packed my bag. She must have put them there on purpose. Get me again? There seemed to be even more to this than I had suspected though I had no idea what it was.

I am not a stupid man. No doubt many of you will disagree now that you understand the situation in which I found myself. I had the hubris to believe that I was perceptive and insightful. In fact, it appeared that I had been taken for a fool.

I didn’t think I would get the full story just by asking Carol. She was too good at spin. I would need to plan carefully if I were to succeed. I spent the day in preparation.

I saw Carol's car pulling into the driveway a little before 5:30. I immediately picked up the phone and dialed.

“Hello?”

“Nicole, something’s wrong with Carol. I need your help. Come over right away.”

“What’s wrong? What --?”

I hung up. Melodramatic to be sure. But, I wanted her here to help me uncover the truth and I wasn’t sure I could persuade her to come over for that purpose.

I heard the key in the lock of the back door.

Carol's arms were full. She put her packages down on kitchen table. “You look awfully serious for someone who is going to have a really good time night.” Carol couldn’t have been more pleased with her situation had she won the lottery.

“Come sit down. We need to talk.”

She could turn on a dime. “What is this shit? You screw around on me and I have to come talk?”

“I told you I had no right to hold it against you. But your actions were just as wrong as mine. We discussed what I did, didn't we? Now that you've had your revenge, we get to talk about what I need to move on. First, did you use condoms?”

She blushed. She hesitated. No use in trotting out an obvious lie at this point. She was Carol, as always. The best defense is a good offense. “Why do you think I didn’t use condoms?”

“I didn’t find any.”

“I could have flushed them.” She would have made a great politician. Never a real answer.

“I didn’t find any packaging. Did you flush that too?”

Now that evasion wasn’t practical, she changed her tactic. “You didn't use condoms with Nicole.”

“How do you know he was safe?”

“I asked,” she said not quite quickly enough.

“I guess I’m not getting lucky tonight. If Bob didn’t have to use condoms with my wife, I’m not about to.”

“What about you? You could have an STD.”

“I was tested. Until you’ve been tested, you’re on your own.”

“Bastard.”

“Very incisive argument. How long have you been planning this?”

“What do you mean? I started after I found out about you and Nicole.”

“You found someone astonishingly quickly.”

“I’m very appealing.”

“Aside from it being your fantasy, why was it necessary for me to watch?”

“So you would learn your lesson.”

“What lesson is that?”

“To never screw around on me again.” She was getting agitated.

So was I. “And in what way did I not learn it? Didn't I know how much I'd hurt you? Didn't I feel disgusted with myself for my lack of self-control? Wasn't I going to be hurt enough by what you were doing, and the fact that you were making plans to do it to me? How would me watching teach that lesson any better?”

She didn’t answer. There was no reasonable answer.

“Who was he?”

“Just someone I know from work.”

“How did you get Bob to agree so quickly? How long have you been flirting?”

“He just, he was attracted to me. I talked to him on Wednesday.”

“You just said, ‘Hey Bob, doing anything Friday? I’d like you to spend the night at my house fucking me in my marital bed.’ No preparation? No introduction? He’s a really nice guy to accommodate you on such short notice.”

“His name is Frank and it wasn’t like that.”

“What was it like?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I need to tell you Carol, and I'm not very proud about this, that I have collected some evidence about this situation. Be very careful what you lie about. Cheating on me in this manner was nasty and mean-spirited. I think I can get past that. But if I feel that I can't trust you, we have no foundation upon which to rebuild this marriage. There are some lies you might tell that I will know are lies. Since you don’t know which things I know, you’ll be taking a big risk if you don’t tell me the truth.”

“Are you saying you’re going to leave me after what you did?”

“I'm saying I will leave you if I can't trust you after what you did. If I can't trust you, how do I know you won't kill me in my sleep?”

“I would never do that.”

“But the question is, what would you do? How far would you go?” I saw Nicole's car pulling up. “Did you conspire with Nicole to have me be unfaithful with her?”

“You're insane.”

“Perhaps. But you didn't answer my question. And before you do, don't forget that I may have the evidence. Also, I am going to ask Nicole about it.”

“She won’t talk to you.”

Perfect timing. The doorbell rang. “That’s her now. Why don’t we find out if you’re right. Why did you call her when you were finished with Bob?”

“Frank! I didn’t.”

I was headed for the door. “Would you like to try for a different answer? How did you arrange to go shopping with her?”

“Well, yes, I called her about that. I meant I didn’t call to talk about it.”

Nicole rushed past me into the living room. “Carol, are you okay? Simon said something was wrong with you.”

I didn’t give her a chance to answer. “Nicole, when did you and Carol start planning this?”

Carol cut in. “What are you trying to pull –“

“Carol, be quiet. We’re going to get to the bottom of this,” I said.

She was not so easily deterred. “You have some nerve trying to pull this shit in my fucking house.”

“If we don’t resolve this, it will be just your fucking house. You can fuck to your heart’s content here - without me.”

Either my vitriol or that prospect seemed to be enough to quiet her for the moment.

“What’s wrong with Carol is that we’re having a marriage critical discussion. Nicole, when did you two start planning this?” I asked.

“Planning what? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“How did your panties get in my suitcase?”

“It was just a mistake. I put them in the wrong one.”

“How stupid do you think I am? I’ll admit to being an incredible fool in this whole thing for a while, but I’m not that stupid. Just one pair? You packed the bags simultaneously? You told me you packed in your room and then came back to help me pack mine.”

“Well …” Nicole didn’t have an answer prepared.

“How is it that,” I made a big deal of looking at my notes, “’ None of this would have been possible without you?’” Both of them looked surprised. “Oh, it didn’t occur to you that I might have had the phones bugged?” Logically this didn't make sense. Had I been recording the phone, I would have had both sides of the conversation. That is a difficult analysis to make in the panic of the moment of being caught. “When did you start planning this?” I didn't care who answered.

The silence seemed to go on endlessly, although, in reality, it was probably less than a minute. I waited. Justified or not, I had the sense that if I spoke first I would lose the advantage, and the truth, forever.

“Around five months ago,” said Nicole in a voice not much louder than a whisper.

“Nicole,” said Carol.

“You heard. He knows. We’ll only make it worse if we lie.”

“Nicole has that right. I'm not guaranteeing that I will stay with you no matter what I learn. But I guarantee that I will leave if I don't get the truth. What was the plan?”

“I would try to get you to seduce me and then leave some evidence for Carol.”

“Nicole!” Did Carol still think she could hide it all or was it just a shock to hear it out loud?

“Carol, isn't it obvious by now that I figured that out? She knew where to find me just like Annie did. She left evidence in what I now recognize as an obvious way. Let it all come out. She helped you with this information, Nicole?”

“Yes.”

“So, Carol, you have been planning for five months with Nicole to have Frank and some time before that you came up with the plan?”

She was now quiet and her manner was resigned. “Yes.”

“Why the elaborate plan? Why not just cheat while I was out of town and hide it from me?”

“I thought you would leave me if you found out.”

“And this is better?”

“I didn’t think you would find out.”

“Why did you do it?”

“I didn’t think you would find out.”

“That’s a reason?”

“Frank has been flirting with me for a long time. It made me feel attractive. You were always gone and he was always there. He gave me lots of attention. He kept trying to win me even though I turned him down again and again. It made me feel special. Being pursued was so exciting. It, it made me think back to how much fun I had when I played the field before we met. I guess I finally let it get to me. I wanted to see if I was missing anything. I wanted to feel the thrill of being desirable. It wasn’t anything you did. I just got caught up in the excitement. It was stupid.”

“You could have just secretly cheated Carol. It would have been a lousy thing to do, but at least you could have avoided hurting me.”

“I didn’t think you would find out.”

“So you betrayed me by cheating with Frank, and you betrayed me by making me think it was all my fault?”

“It sounds terrible when you put it that way.”

“What is the nice way to put it?”

She shrugged and raised her eyebrows.

“So, you betrayed me twice?”

“Yes. I’m sorry honey.”

“That isn’t all, is it?”

“What do you mean?” asked Carol.

“Those two betrayals are pretty bitter to swallow, however they are something I might be able to overcome. But that's not the whole story, is it Nicole?”

She shrugged her shoulders and shook her head.