byJust Plain Bob©

"An old farmer was pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and he started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket.

As he wrote he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.

"Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?" asked the farmer.

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are" he said. "I never heard of circle flies before though."

"Oh, they are pretty common on farms" said the farmer. "We call them circle flies because they are always circling the back end of a horse."

"I see" the trooper said as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden he stopped and looked at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute; are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"

"Oh no officer" said the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."

"Well that's a good thing" said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.

After a long pause the farmer continued, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Why was I sitting in the Landing Strip listening to a want to be stand up comic? I was there more for the booze than the entertainment. That and it was the place where Darnell usually hung out. I wanted to see Darnell in an informal setting.

I thought back to the first time six years ago when I did this same exact thing. I wasn't absolutely sure, but I think the stand up comic was even the same one. As I waited for Darnell to show I remembered that first time.

Darnell was a Detective Sergeant on the local police force and Darnell owed me a couple of favors and I was where I needed to see if I could call one in. In a way Darnell owed his job to me. He had been accepted into the police academy and we had gone out drinking to celebrate. Dar had taken on board a little too much to drink and he drove into a parked car. A DUI would have gotten him tossed out of the academy so I swapped places with him and took the hit. Four points and a DUI on my driving record and loss of my license for a year, but Darnell went to the academy and graduated number two in a class of forty-six.

And why did I need some detecting? That's why I was at the Strip for booze and not entertainment. My wife Tracy had just informed me that I was going to be a daddy in nine months and it did not set well with me. Not that I was against kids and didn't want any, but because I knew I couldn't have any.

Tracy was born to be a mommy and one of the things she told me before we got married was that she wanted a big family. She thought four kids would be perfect. We had been married for three years and she wasn't pregnant yet so she began to worry that something was wrong so to calm her down I went and had myself tested. I found out that I was as sterile as it was possible to be. My problem was that I loved Tracy so damned much that it would kill me to lose her and I was afraid if I told her I could never get her pregnant she would leave me and find someone who could give her the kids she wanted. I did the only thing I could think of -- I lied. I told her that the test showed that I should be able to get half the women in town pregnant with just one drop of my superior baby making juice. Tracey had herself tested and found that she could pump them out if she could just get her eggs fertilized.

We redoubled our efforts. For a week before and a week after her most fertile times we made love at least twice a day and on her most fertile day we made love three times. Another year went by with no pregnancy and then suddenly a happy smiling Tracy giving me the great news. The problem of course being that if she was pregnant it was because SODDI. "Some Other Dude Did It" for those of you not up on the current lexicon.

Now I've already said that I loved Tracy so much that it would kill me to lose her and as wimpy as it makes me sound I loved her enough to keep my mouth shut and raise some other asshole's kid to keep from losing her, but -- and make that BUT in capital letters -- the asshole that fucked my wife was going to have to pay a very stiff price for doing it. I know that Tracy was just as guilty as the asshole, but I loved her and I already knew I hated the asshole whoever he might be.

I saw Darnell come in and I waved him over to my table. He sat down and said:

"What brings you to this place? I didn't think that you liked this kind of entertainment."

"It isn't bad; it just isn't my kind of thing. Mainly I'm here because I know that this is where you usually hang out. I need a favor bud; I need a huge favor."

"You name it, you got it."

I explained the situation to him."

"I know I owe you big Walt, but if it backfires on me I could lose my job."

"You know me well enough to know that no matter how things fall I'll keep you out of it."

"Okay bud; I'll trust you. I'll need a few days or so."

"Take all the time you need. I need the info, but I don't need it in a hurry."


"My wife is from Minnesota and for some weird reason she thinks that it makes her better than me because I am from Iowa. Did you know that the toilet seat was invented by a Minnesotan? Two years later an Iowan invented the hole in it.

"There was this Swede from Minnesota who bought his wife Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later Lars asked, Hey Ole, how is Lena doing with her piano?"

"Oh" Ole said, "I persvaded her to svitch to de clarinet."

"How come?" Lars asked. "Vell" said Ole, "Because vith a clarinet she can't sing."

The phone rings in the middle of the night when Ole and Lena are in bed and Ole answers. "Vell how da hell should I know. Dats two thousand miles from here" he says and hangs up.

"Who vas dat" Lena asked.

"I dunno. Some fool vanting to know if the coast was clear."

I was again at the Landing Strip on a Wednesday. Darnell had called and said he had the information I needed and he asked me to meet him there. He came in, saw me and headed for my table. I already had a beer setting there for him and he lifted it, took a pull and then slid me an envelope across the table to me.

"It's all there. Just be careful okay?"

"Careful is my middle name."

"Funny; all these years I've known you and I always thought your middle name was Randolph."

"Got me there."

"Just try real hard to make sure that this doesn't come back on me."

"You know I'll always have your back Dar."

"I know bud; believe me I know."

I opened the envelope, read the contents and then said, "Thanks bud."

"Any time."

Three days later Marv Pallister walked out of his apartment and was severally beaten and robbed. A good bit of the violence inflicted on Mr. Pallister was done to the area of his genitals and I understand that he lost both of his testicles. Such a pity for a man so young. I was just a little pissed that his wallet only had $186.00 in it. Tracy's pussy was worth a hell of a lot more than that. At least to me.

Tracy seemed a little out of sorts for a couple of weeks and when I asked if something was wrong she blamed it on mood swings brought on by the pregnancy. Being a bit of a cynic I didn't believe her and I put it down to her being upset at what happened to her lover. Things smoothed out between us and things were good between us until the baby was born.

The ultrasound had shown that the baby was as boy and we talked about possible names. Personally I didn't care much for any particular name, but when Tracy said she wanted to name the baby after her grandfather Marvin I dug in my heels and said:

"No! No child of mine is going to be named Marvin."

"But you don't understand. I promised my mother that I would name my first son after her father. I have to do it."

"No Tracy; no way."

I knew damned well that it wasn't her grandfather she wanted to name the baby after. She wanted to name the baby after the baby's father.

"Why are you so opposed?"

"When I was growing up there was an older kid in the neighborhood and he was a bully. He made my life miserable for almost ten years until his family moved away. I hated him with a passion and I've hated the name Marvin ever since."

It was a lie of course, but even though I would pretend to accept the kid as mine there was no way I was going to let her honor her lover. She pouted some and we finally agreed that the baby's name would have her father's first name and my father's first name as his middle name. He would be named Jason Louis Walton.

The child was born; a healthy eight pounder and when I picked up the birth certificate at the desk I found that Tracy had named the boy Marvin Walter Walton. I told them that a mistake had been made and that his name was supposed to be Jason Louis. They told me that they were sorry, but that is the name my wife told them to put on the birth certificate and I would have to discuss the matter with her. I went to her room, stuck the birth certificate under her nose and said:

"Just what is the meaning of this? You know my stance on the name Marvin."

"I promised my mother."

"Then you can call your mother when you are ready to leave so she can pick you up and take you home with her. I'll box up your clothes and things and send them over to her house for you."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that no one -- absolutely no one -- with the name Marvin is ever going to live in my house with me. If you expect to come home and live with me you had best get that birth certificate changed to what was agreed on or you are going to find yourself a single mother with a child to raise and you will do it with no help from me. I won't spend a cent on anyone named Marvin. You can call me when you decide how you want to live the rest of your life."

I turned and walked out of her room. I loved her and I didn't want to live without her. I loved her enough to raise another man's child just to keep her, but her position on the Marvin issue was just too damned disrespectful for me to tolerate.

I stopped at a U-Haul place and bought some moving boxes to pack her stuff in because, quite frankly, I didn't see her giving up on the Marvin thing. I was certain that it was going to lead to a divorce and when that happened I would stun Tracy when I demanded a DNA test when she tried to get child support. I loved the bitch -- God did I ever love her -- but I would not let her humiliate me by giving me her lover's child to raise as mine and then naming the child after him.

The next morning when I got up I started to put the boxes together and was taping them when the phone rang. It was Tracy. They were releasing her at ten and I could come and get her.

"And the birth certificate?"

"It reads Jason Louis."

"I'll see you at ten."

I left the boxes in the living room for Tracy to see when she got home. I wanted her to know just how close she had come to pushing me over the edge. It might prevent problems later in life.

When I picked Tracy up before I let her get in the car I asked for the birth certificate. She gave me a nasty look, but handed it to me. It had the name on it that we had agreed on. I helped them into the car and then I drove Tracy and 'our' baby home. Tracy's eyes got wide when she saw the boxes in the living room and some of her clothes setting next to them.

Tracy was a little chilly towards me for a few days, but I ignored her and concentrated on Louie as I started calling him. He wasn't mine and I knew it, but to keep Tracy I had made the decision to take him to raise and by God I would do it to the best of my ability. None of it was his fault and I was determined to be the best daddy he could have ever hoped for. When Tracy saw how I was with Louie she mellowed and soon we were back on track as loving husband and wife.


The next three years were great and then one night at dinner Tracy said:

"Remember back before we were married I told you I wanted a big family and said that I thought four kids would be about right?"

I nodded my head yes as I was spooning some mashed potatoes into my mouth.

"Well get ready daddy; number two is on the way. I saw the doctor today and he confirmed it."

I smiled and said, "That's great honey" but inside I felt like someone had swung a ten pound hammer and hit me right in the gut with it. She had done it to me again.

I called Darnell and he met me at the Landing Strip and I told him my sad tale. One week later he again met me at the Strip and slid an envelope across that table to me. Three weeks after that Bob Lappan was mugged and beaten almost to death. At least his wallet had over $600 in it and that was a lot closer to what Tracy's pussy was worth. He also lost his family jewels and I wondered if the cops would remember Pallister and consider that the same person might have done both. Not that it mattered because I'd done a damned good job of covering my tracks.

For a couple of weeks Tracy was out of sorts, but she again blamed it on mood swings. She finally settled down and things were good between us. Actually things were better than good. Tracy decided that she needed to fuck me to death and our normal two to three times a week stepped up to three and four times a week. Tracy said it was because the pregnancy had scrambled her hormones. I didn't care what the reason was because I was loving it.

The ultrasound showed that the second one was going to be a girl and I began thinking of what kind of lie I could come up with to use in the argument to prevent the baby from being named Roberta after her father. Tracy surprised me and didn't even bring the name up. Since Louie had been given her father's first name and my father's first name as his middle name we reversed things and gave the baby my mother's first name and her mother's fist name as the baby's middle name.

Elizabeth Marie was a seven pound bundle of joy and she quickly captured my heart. Tracy beamed at the way I was with the kids and a happy Tracy spoiled me rotten so naturally I did my best to keep her happy.


But there was a dark spot in my head. Twice Tracy had said that four kids was the right size for a family. Was she going to do it to me again? Two more times? It was four years before I got the answer to that question. A couple of visits to the Landing Strip and shortly thereafter Warren Shirey was found in a dumpster behind a downtown restaurant that he frequented. Sad to say that his assailant had gotten a bit carried away and as a result Mr. Shirey had departed this vale of tears for what would hopefully be a better place.

Tracy was down in the dumps for almost a month before I finally told her to get her butt to the doctor and get something for her mood swings. She said she had already seen him and he had given her a prescription for hormone supplements but they hadn't kicked in yet. She made sure that I saw her taking them and that made me curious. One day when she wasn't around I checked the bottle and saw it filled with 1000mg Omega-3 capsules, but Tracy did get back to normal. Well kinda. Normal at that time in our life was twice a week, but Tracy came after me three and sometimes four times a week right up to her eighth month and then she backed off.

Marion Elise was a healthy seven pound five ounces when she made her appearance and I welcomed her into the family with the same exuberance I had shown the other two.


Outwardly I was the loving, doting father and ideal husband, but inside I was in turmoil. I couldn't get the number of Tracy's ideal family out of my head. She was obviously intent on having four children and I was starting to worry. Could I get away with doing a fourth lover? Was I pushing the odds too hard? I knew I would have to do it. It was the only way I could live with myself and stay with Tracy. Some one had to -- just absolutely had to -- pay for the cheating that my wife was doing on me. It just wasn't in me to go after Tracy so it had to be her lover who paid. I'd gotten away with it three times, but would a fourth be pushing my luck? I just had to hope and pray that it never needed to happen.

But of course it did.

There was a bit of a difference on the fourth one. As usual it was over the dinner table.

"Honey" Tracy said, "You know that I've always wanted four kids right?" I nodded a yes and she said, "I need a huge favor sweetheart."

"You know I'll do it my love. I'll do anything to make you happy."

"I know that Walt, but this favor is huge."

"What is it baby? You know I'll do it if I can."

She gave me a long look and then said, "I'm pregnant and I want you to leave the father alone."

I starred at her stunned.

"Don't look at me like that honey; I've known since Bob that you were the one who put Bob and Marvin in the hospital and Warren in the dumpster where he was found. No way it could have been a coincidence, but did you have to kill Warren?"

I let out a deep breath and said, "I didn't mean to kill him, but he was smarter than the first two. He knew who I was even though I was wearing a ski mask or at least he guessed who I was. He sneered at me and said, "Some man you are. Can't satisfy your wife so you pick fights with a man who can" and I lost it. I went into a blind rage and when I was done he was dead."

"You never had a bully named Marvin did you?"

"No, but there was no way I was going to let you humiliate me any farther than you already had by letting you name the baby after your lover."

"It wasn't to humiliate you Walt. At the time I didn't know that you knew and all I wanted was for the baby to have something of his real father besides DNA."

"So why didn't you try to name the second one Roberta?"

"Because by then I had put two and two together and I was pretty sure that you were behind what had happened to Marv and Bob. I wasn't positive until I found out what happened to Warren. I just don't understand why you did it."

"Of course you do Tracy. You cheated on me with those assholes and someone had to pay and there was no way on God's Earth that I could hurt you."

"But why such a savage beating? Why did you have to destroy their genitals?"

"So you wouldn't leave me for them."

"Good God Walter; why would you ever think I would do that?"

"Because they could give you kids and I couldn't."

"Walter Walton!! You can't possibly be that stupid! I love you and I always have. I would never leave you. Not ever!"

"Then why were you out taking on lovers?"

"They weren't lovers Walter. All they were to me were sperm donors. When we didn't have kids and I tested fine I began to suspect that you lied to me when you told me that you were fine. One night after we made love I hurried into the bathroom and spooned your sperm out of me and took it into a lab to be tested. I found out that you were as sterile as it was possible to be and I also knew why you lied to me about it. You loved me and were afraid I'd leave you for someone who could give me the kids I wanted. No way was I ever going to leave you Walt, but I gambled that you loved me enough to stay with me if I gave you some other man's child.

"They were never my lovers Walter. My fuckers yes, but never my lovers. I don't know if you even noticed, but every one of them was like you. Same hair color, same eye color, same height and weight. I picked them solely because they were close enough to you in appearance so the kids would resemble you. I repeat Walter, sperm donors is all they were and they didn't know that they were cheating on you with me because I never let them know I was married."

"Then why did you keep fucking them after you got pregnant?"

"Because I need to taper off with them. If I just dropped them they might have come looking for me to find out why and I couldn't have that. I couldn't let them find out that I was married and then have them interfere in our lives."

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