Julie replied, "If I agree to that, Millie, how do I know you will follow through and buy our house?"
Millie said, "Why should I wish to capitalize on your misfortune? I will pay cash for your home. And, I don't want the children to be disrupted as much as you and Robb don't either. Besides, what motivation would I have to do otherwise?"
Julie asked, "Would you hold a minute"
Robb and Millie sat looking at each other almost crying while Julie and a man could be heard in an unintelligible conversation. Like children again, both had their fingers crossed while they waited.
Julie came back on line and said, "O.K. Robb and Millie, I trust you because you have never done anything shady or spiteful. Please get the paperwork ready for me to sign?"
The End
Epilogue 1: The family court petition took two days to approve the changes. The next day, the three appeared at the Title Trust company to transact the home sale. The administrator gave both Robb and Julie a check for their equity. Julie's significant other sat in his SUV in the parking lot with a loaded U-Haul trailer attached. Later the children could hardly suppress their excitement when told that Millie and their Dad will be moving in with 'them.'
Epilogue 2: Five years later, Julie's mother mailed a news paper clipping to Robb at his office address from the Bakken Daily Ledger: Julie Delmont Hall and John L. Leason were shot dead in their apartment. The husband, Larry Hall, called 911 and surrendered the apparent murder weapon to the police..."
Robb, recalling that there had been no video or email or phone visit from their mother in two years, solemnly told their children that evening, "Your mother died violently in North Dakota. I am quite certain that her last thoughts were of you two, though."
At the news the younger one barely paused doing her reading assignment while the older one said, "Well, maybe Millie can be our official mother now."
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DAMN!!!
Well, this had the makings of a pretty good story, except for a few things. Number one, in my opinion, is that you kept changing the tense of the narrative from past to
present, back and forth, and that gets confusing. You really need a good editor. Number two, and somebody else mentioned this, was the dialogue. People in the
"Oil Patch" just don't talk like that. I know because I grew up there. There is a vern-
acular, a pattern of speech, that is native to the West Texas oil fields, that is found no
where else in the world. If you want your story to ring true you should really try to
incorporate that colloquial dialect into your story. I don't mean to belittle your story or
your effort, I am only offering what I consider to be constructive criticism.more...
Not Bad
Pretty good story. Having grown up in the Permian Basin, with a Dad who
worked in the oil fields, I appreciated a lot of the background info.
The thing that blew it for me was the dialogue. West Texas "oil patch "
women do not say "I can not ". They say "I cain't". It rhymes with
"ain't ".
I know it's just nit-picking, but when you are writing a story that's that
close to home, for me, small differences make a difference.
5 stars, regardless.more...
No Ryhm or Reason
Where was the plot? No meat and potatoes in this story..
absolutely stupid epilog 2, complete non sequitur
took a solid 4 story to 2.5
5*
seen enough of this crap happen over the years
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