Tribal Unity

I glanced at Rick and he was smiling down at me. I wondered if he was as curious as I was about the little girl. About all the children, really. As we started to walk in that direction, Rick placed his hand on the small of my back to guide me ahead of him through the narrow passageway that led out to the cluster of huts. Nice.

The building that housed the children surprised me. It was newer and made of entirely different materials than the huts. It appeared to be stucco or something like that, much more sturdy and permanent than the mud and thatch structures we slept in.

"Wow! This is...not what I was expecting."

"Me, either. When was this built?"

"We finished it o'er a ye'ah ago, Ah think. Business 'as been good. Serves as the village sheltah in bad weathah."

"So all the unhappy couples paid for this?"

"Yeah, more or less."

We walked through the doorway into a room that felt much cooler than the outside air. Mats lined one of the walls and there were a few modern toys on the ground, crayons, coloring books, balls. About what you would expect from a pre-school back home.

I pointed to the toys, "I don't get it."

"Some of our repeat visitors bring toys back fer the kids. It's nice; teaches 'em a bit about the outside world."

"Where are all the children?"

"Workin', some of 'em. The rest are learnin'."

"I guess school doesn't make much sense for them."

"Not the kind of school you mean. No use fer it. They school in a diff'rent way. By spendin' time with diff'rent folks, they learn about values, rules, their history. How to act, how not to act. Practical skills so they can be useful."

"How long do children live here?"

"Oh, Ah don't know. No one keeps track of 'ow old they are. When they start workin' as 'ard as the rest, or when they're knocked up, or jus' plain ready, Ah s'pose. Diff'rent for ever'one. Gotta get pas' council, though. Buildin' a 'ouse is 'ard work."

I took one last look at the toys before stepping out through the doorway. I tried to imagine which ones our little friend played with. Rick leaned down toward my ear as we were leaving.

"I'm sure we'll see her again soon."

He scooped my hand up into his and gave it a brief squeeze before releasing it. It caught me off guard. I had forgotten that once upon a time, before we were killing ourselves to try to get pregnant, Rick loved children as much as I did. It was one of the reasons I married him in the first place. But several months of counting days, checking my temperature, special diets, tests, supplements, and forced sex, led him to say things like 'I don't think I want to have kids' and 'I don't even want to have sex anymore'. It hurt. Probably more than I'll ever admit to him. More than I'll admit to myself. And the worst part was that it was largely my fault.

I don't mean it was my fault that I didn't get pregnant, apparently we're both healthy and fully capable, but the pushing was all me. Looking back, I was pretty militant about it. Another thing I'll never admit to Rick. So I suppose all those things he said were just in reaction to being pushed too hard. I don't know. He could have just told me to chill out about it. Or...did he, and I just didn't want to hear it? I was pretty focused on the prize.

"Ah feel Ah need to warn ya that we 'ave a gal in season at the moment. Ah'm jus' tellin' ya 'cause ya might see more than ya bargained fer. Tha's all Ah'm sayin'."

Rick turned to me with raised eyebrows. I shrugged. He did indicate that girls in season were pretty popular. I was suddenly curious about other aspects of the sexual health of the villagers. Questions lined up in my mind. Questions I would never ask. Do they have intercourse just for fun, or only when it might produce offspring? Is oral sex allowed? What about homosexuality? How young do they start having sex? When and where do they do it? The last question was pretty valid considering these people operated on a pretty tight schedule. They appeared to be busy every second of the day.

Christopher led us to the beach where we first came ashore. He explained that he needed to make a few arrangements, 'andle a few thins', he said. He'd been carrying a knapsack over his shoulder and he swung it off his back and to the ground, producing a cell phone. My eyes grew wide for a second and then I realized, of course he has some way to communicate with the outside world. How else would he be able to run a business and make transportation arrangements?

He held the phone up to his ear and listened for several minutes. Rick walked down to the edge of the water and I followed. Waves rolled onto the shore and over our feet. The water was warmer than I thought it would be. Sand shifted under my feet as the tide pulled the wave back out again. The water level inched up our ankles toward our calves.

I scanned the surrounding area for any large, dark shadows that could be sharks. Rick grabbed my waist real fast and growled, "Watch out" to scare me.

"Stop it. There are sharks in the waters down here, you know."

"Where?" He teased.

"I'm serious. I saw it on the internet when I was trying to find this island."

"I'm sure there are."

I looked down around my feet longingly. I desperately wanted to get off my feet, but I didn't want to be picking sand out of my crack for the rest of the trip.

"There's a lot of downsides to not wearing clothes."

"Like what?"

"Like...sand. I want to sit down, but..."

"Yeah, I know," Rick chuckled. "But there's a lot of upsides, too."

"Oh, yeah? Like...?"

"Well, getting ready in the morning is faster. Way faster."

"I agree."

"Less sweat, it feels like, and no laundry."

"Oh, good one. I like that I can tell what's on your mind, or not on your mind."

Rick tuned to me with a puzzled look on his face. "Have you been checking me out, Mrs. Connell?"

"No, I'm just saying."

"I think you're flirting with me."

"Oh, you would think that. I just find it refreshing for a change to be able to read your thoughts. You're always so stoic."

"I am? Stoic?"

"Yeah, well, difficult to read, anyway."

"How 'bout now?"

Rick turned toward me and placed his hands on his hips with a big smile on his face; his semi-hard dick pointing toward me.

"Rick!"

"What?"

"Where did that come from?"

"Where do you think it came from? Where it always comes from...you."

"Not always."

Rick tilted his head and scratched his scalp. "What do you mean?"

"C'mon, let's be real. We haven't had sex in months. I know you haven't gone months without."

"Is that what's been bothering you, baby? You think I'm...what...seeing someone else?"

I shrugged, "I don't know. It's crossed my mind as a possibility."

"Even with things the way they've been with us lately, I never...not once has that even entered into my mind."

"Not even with Cassie, down the street?"

"Cassie? The girl with the dog?"

I nodded.

"No, especially not the girl with the dog. She's just a kid, for God's sake."

Rick ran his fingers through his wavy brown hair and then rubbed his eyes.

"Lori, honey, how did we get here? I mean, how could we have let this get this bad?"

"I don't know. I ask myself the same question all the time."

"I want to say this now while we're talking. I've never...It's always been you. Since the first time we...I can't even look at anyone else, you have to believe me. It's important to me that you understand that much."

Tears started to roll down my cheeks. I felt guilty for even suggesting that he might be having an affair. The worst part was that deep down inside, I knew he wasn't. I just wanted to believe that there was some other reason for him to keep his distance other than the fact that I had done everything in my power to push him away. I wanted our failure to be entirely his fault, not mine.

My face dropped to my hands so I could sob without the added humiliation of him seeing my blotchy cheeks and shiny red nose. Warm hands rubbed my back and then I felt his arms closing around me until my forehead was touching his chest. Rick gently tugged at my forearms and then firmly wrapped his hands around my wrists to pull my hands around his back.

"C'mon, just give in and hug me. I promise not to bite."

I shook my head but hooked my hands behind his back to hug him like he asked.

"I'm so sorry..." I managed to choke out between sobs. "I let my mind...wander...about...and it's not you...I've been so...stupid."

"No, Lori, don't say that. Don't...everything isn't your fault. It just went haywire, that's all. I've been stressed out about work, and then I've disappointed you by not getting you pregnant. It's...it's just too much."

"No, you didn't disappoint me. I disappointed me. I didn't know when to stop pushing."

"Listen, you have to stop beating yourself up so much and acting like it was your failure. I was there, too, remember."

I had made martyrdom an artform over the past several months. I couldn't remember the last time I felt anything other than sorry for myself over the fact that we couldn't get pregnant. And I had tried to find anything I could to add to my list of woes, even if it meant inventing reasons like my husband's imaginary infidelity. Or creating bad situations, like refusing to have sex with my husband to create enough tension between us to dissolve the marriage completely.

Maybe it wasn't entirely my fault, but it was mostly me. I am so fucked up. And then there was the nagging notion inside my brain that Rick deserved better than me. And if I think that, then he must know it, too.

It was a vicious circle and I still couldn't see my way clear of it. I don't know how to make myself feel better. To lift this heavy guilt.

Rick rubbed my back briskly, "Christopher is off the phone."

I nodded and stepped away from his chest, wiping the tears from my cheeks. Rick bent his knees, trying to look into my eyes.

"I'm okay." I sniffled and gave him a weak smile.

Rick nodded and then stood upright. He slid his hand down my arm until he was gripping my hand in his. He locked his fingers with mine and whispered, "Let's go."

****

Chapter Six: The Lagoon

I was walking through the entire day in my mind. Every word spoken, every smile, incidental touch, and every time I wished things were different. But my general attitude had changed about it. I felt calmer, more in control for some reason. It wasn't so hard to face the harsh reality of our situation and evaluate it in a more rational way. It had seemed so dire when we were back home; like it was the end of the world or something. But I was slowly coming to the realization that there were just so many more vital things to focus on than our petty differences.

Rick and Christopher had a long discussion about the financial affairs of the village. Rick feels that he can help them invest their money more wisely to make it last longer, sustain their way of life for several more generations. Christopher was hesitant to agree, and admittedly said it wasn't up to him, alone. He said he would consider bringing it up at council. He wasn't as open and trusting as the rest of the people. I think he wanted to trust Rick, but he wasn't ready to, yet. God, I know how that feels.

I witnessed an energy I hadn't seen in Rick in years. A sense of purpose around helping these people. His entire demeanor changed and he appeared, I don't know...taller to me, in a way. He was proud of what he did, of what he could do for them. It made me proud, too, and happy for him. Genuinely happy.

At bedtime, we talked again briefly about serious things, real things, our problems. We had talked more in the past two days than the past two months, combined. I guess taking away all other opportunities for conversation left us with only one person to talk to. Christopher may have spoken our language, but he made it perfectly clear that he preferred to spend his time with the natives, or with a native in particular, I wasn't sure which. He kept his private life from us, like he was drawing a very clear line of professional relationship versus personal relationship. It forced us to rely on only each other for company.

Something Rick said the night before kept playing over in my mind: I only stopped asking because your answer never changed. It was always no; after awhile, I couldn't take the rejection.

He was referring to sex, of course. I've hurt him. I'd hurt him badly enough to make him deny his own urges. And now? What am I doing now? I was becoming aware of my own urges, again. It started with paw-pui, but there was more than a handful of other times that I could feel my body responding to his touch, or his furtive glances in my direction, or even his low voice. But I was still pulling away from him, warring with myself over what to do. I knew if I initiated sex, Rick would be happy to oblige, but I couldn't bring myself to take that step. It just didn't feel right to me.

Part of me, I know, wanted him to initiate sex because I needed to feel wanted, desired. And part of me was afraid. I wasn't sure of what, exactly, but definitely afraid he might take that step and then...I don't know. I didn't know what would happen next. And if it went well at first, still...how long would that be enough? How long before I would want more...want to get pregnant, have children, satisfy my basic instinct to reproduce? How could I be sure we wouldn't end up exactly where we are today?

I let that last thought swirl in my head until my mind went blank. It was still very early in the morning and there was hardly a sound coming from the nearby huts. There was just barely enough light to begin to make out the subtle shapes of the interior mud walls of the tiny space we occupied. I closed my eyes and turned my attention outward. I'd been living in my head for the past couple of days and it was becoming a damn boring and depressed place to be all the time.

I heard rustling nearby and focused on that sound. A sigh, a breathy moan; someone dreaming, probably. I turned my head to try and catch other sounds but was stopped by another, slightly higher pitched sigh joining in chorus with a deeper groaning. Is that...what I think it is? I held my breath to hear better and barely made out the sound of skin slapping against skin. Oh, God, it is. They're having sex next door.

It was vivid in my mind, the image of a man and a woman lying prone. Nude, sweaty bodies writhing together. I pictured him holding her thighs wide apart to drive deeper inside her. Deep. Hard. Glistening wet as he pulled out for another stroke. My eyes darted toward Rick without moving another muscle in my body. His steady breathing confirmed that he was still fast asleep.

I could feel the wetness already starting to soak the inner lips of my sex. In the hut next door the rhythm increased. They weren't as quiet as before; at least she wasn't. Her orgasm was approaching. It was a real orgasm, not a fake one. The pitch of the tiny cries that periodically escaped her lips was rising.

I slid my hand slowly across my thigh and very gingerly parted my legs so as not to disturb Rick. I suppressed a groan when my fingers parted my folds to discover a well of wetness. I'm so wet. And so damned horny right now. I forged my middle finger past my folds and into my warm, sopping wet opening. Yes. That feels so good. I played with the lubrication, rubbing it up onto my clitoral hood, circling the growing nub. I had to consciously keep myself from undulating my hips against my fingers. It just felt so damned good to be aroused again.

I knew it wouldn't take me long to get off. I hadn't come in...too long. I added a second finger and then a third, plunging inside best I could without moving too much. It felt amazing to be filled inside. It's not enough, though. I want more. My thoughts began warring again but I shut them out by moving my fingers back to my clit. The nub was fully erect, hard and sensitive and now wet with my own juices. I rolled it between my fingers, pinching and rubbing until the little bundle of nerves rewarded me with an explosion the likes of which I can't remember ever feeling before.

I bit my lip hard and panted through my nose, trying to remain still through the convulsions. Yes. Holy cow, that felt good. I wiped my wet fingers on my inner thigh and finally resumed enough of a steady breathing rhythm to release my lip. I tasted a hint of blood and knew that I had bit down a tad too hard. No big deal.

I lay there and listened. The couple next door had finished and were now moving about. I need to pay better attention to who lives there. It will make for a more vivid mental image next time. Next time? Holy shit, I'm becoming a pervert. A desperate pervert, at that. It would be far easier to just seduce your husband, wouldn't it? I mean, at least you wouldn't have to sneak around like a teenager or something.

A few minutes later, I managed to nonchalantly roll out of bed and head for the toilet. I took care of business and finished cleaning up at the sink. All the while Rick remained on his side, sound asleep.

This day was hotter than the others, it felt to me. I mentioned it to Christopher and he explained that it was because storms were on the way. The temperature wasn't any higher, the humidity had just risen like it so often does when a storm approaches.

I turned my attention to the people of the village, curious as to how they felt about the approaching rain. If they were at all nervous, they hid it well. I couldn't detect a single ounce of anxiousness on their faces. They moved about in exactly the same way they had before. At least I think they did. It was the first time I'd really looked hard at them. Really felt comfortable enough to observe longer than just for a couple seconds at a time. I guess I was raised in pretty modest surroundings, not prudish, exactly, but not the kind of place where you could look at nude bodies without some sense of shame. I didn't feel shameful, myself, but I think the teachings of my early childhood in the Catholic Church were still with me.

I started to notice little things about the way the people interacted with one another. The way they constantly touched each other. I caught sight of a man caressing a woman's breast as they talked, very casually; in fact, absentmindedly. They didn't seem to have boundaries like we did. Or is that just me? Rick doesn't seem to have boundaries.

It was like I was seeing the Hiki's for the first time. And really, I was. I hadn't allowed myself to see them in this way. I was only observing the safe things: their work, their food, their schedule. I was looking past the individuals and focusing on the group as a whole from a distance. I hadn't really allowed myself to be a part of them, to know them, and I certainly hadn't let them know me. Why is that such a hard thing to do? Am I afraid of what they'll discover?

Rick ran his thumb over my bottom lip after breakfast, "You bit your lip."

I shrugged. If you only knew...

"It was probably when you came this morning."

"Wh-what?"

"When you were masturbating in bed and came. You remember, don't you?"

My face felt like molten lava. "I, uh...didn't know you were awake."

"Yeah. I didn't want to disturb you. Anyway, it was over pretty fast. Must've needed it, huh?"

I nodded slightly and looked away. The whole thing was just so humiliating.

Rick chuckled, "Look, it's okay. I'm not trying to give you shit about it or anything. It's just natural; nothing to be ashamed of."