Troubling Question

"Where is he?" It was coming back to me.

"At work today."

"What? Today is Sunday?" I said.

"No, today is Thursday. You have been in a coma for seven months." Sherry was really squeezing my hand now. Her eyes were now brimming with tears, her voice shaky.

That took me some getting used to. Seven months? What in the world?

+++

"Subdural Hematoma" Is what the Doctor told me had happened to me. I really had no idea what that was, but things had been touch and go for awhile. My body was covered with blisters when we arrived at the hospital, something about the body not being able to regulate temperature.

I expected Sonny to come in and see me, but he didn't. Perhaps that was a good thing, I was still angry at him.

Then it was 2 months later before I was ready to be released. They wheeled me out to the car. I looked at it.

It was an older Dodge van, shabby.

"Where is the Impala?" I asked Sherry.

"The bank came and took it, there was no insurance so I couldn't keep up the payments. I'm sorry." Sherry said.

She got behind the wheel, pulled out onto the freeway. The thing was a stick shift, the long lever jutted up from the floor. I had no idea she could even drive one but she managed expertly.

"Where are we going? Our house is the other way." I asked.

"That went too, honey. Sonny and Kathy let me live in their spare bedroom. Thank God for that, or I could have been on the street. Your insurance from work covered some of the medical bills, but I had to sell the house once our savings ran out. It was all government assistance after that. Until I finally found....some...work."

It never registered on me to ask Sherry what she was doing, at that point I still was not thinking clearly. She never mentioned the house, the car, everything going.

"Swell." I mumbled. I was young and didn't pay any attention to better medical insurance, things like that. Stupid of course, but that is what happened.

Then it hit me.

Sherry? Living with Sonny and Kathy? That had not even crossed my mind while in the hospital, now it did.

I wanted to ask then, desperately, but I didn't.

I remembered very clearly what my friend Sonny had said. He wanted to fuck my Sherry, and Sonny was the kind of guy that usually managed that if he set his sights on doing it.

+++

Kathy was there and greeted us, Sonny was gone to work. She hugged me, Sherry took me back to the room she was using and I sat down.

"So what has been happening, honey?" I asked.

The financial mess I had left her with was my own fault, I felt guilty about that. I already knew we owed the hospital more money than I could probably come up with in the rest of my life.

One thing about owing money though is that if a person has none at all, it is not a worry.

"I have been working, honey." I looked at Sherry, the way she said that got my attention.

"Doing what?" I asked her.

"Down at Clara's day spa." She looked down.

"Doing what?" I knew Sherry knew nothing about hair or nails.

"I am one of the massage girls." She told me, her face flushing.

"WHAT???" I demanded.

"I am sorry, honey. I had to, You know I have never held a job, and we got married so young I don't have any real skills."

"You do...massages? What kind of massages?" I demanded. I already knew, Clara's had a reputation that was fairly well known. I had never been there, but Sonny talked about the place.

"You know what kind." Sherry answered, in a tiny little voice. She wouldn't quite meet my gaze.

"I don't believe this! How could you?" I demanded.

"I had to! There was nothing else, I had to! We were losing everything!" Sherry shot right back.

I didn't have an answer for her.

We sat and looked at each other in silence.

"How could you have sex with Kathy?" Sherry demanded after a minute or so.

I wasn't ready for that, either.

"How do you know about that?" I asked finally, unable to meet her steady gaze. A dozen excuses flashed into my mind but all of them sounded lame.

"Kathy told me. She is the one that found me the job, when I told her I couldn't do anything like that she told me about what happened."

"You mean you are having SEX with men? Customers?"

"No, just...you know...hands." Sherry blushed furiously.

"Has Sonny been? Have you and he had....?" I couldn't finish the question.

"What? No, of course not. Sonny hasn't done anything at all, Danny. Without him and Kathy, I don't know what I would have done."

I wanted to talk more, get it all sorted out, but my eyes were closing.

And I wasn't sure I believed her.

There was nothing I could do about anything, nothing at all. I was so weak I could barely make the bathroom by myself.

It was also clear that being released by the hospital was premature, but then with no more insurance payments, they likely wanted to get rid of me.

How a few months lying in bed can take all of a man's energy is beyond me, but I never felt so weak in my life.

Sherry got me to bed, that was the last thing I remembered.

+++

"Hey!" I heard a voice, it sounded hollow. I opened my eyes, Sonny stood there looking down at me.

I sat up with a groan, the room kept tipping and I felt dizzy.

"Vertigo, the Doc said you might have some troubles with it." Sonny said.

"What in the hell happened out there?" I asked him.

"Hell, you clocked me! I never dreamed you would do something like that. The damn boat went over, I hit you back. Then you were floating face down so I had to pull you out. Somehow I got the boat back upright and bailed it, got you to shore. When you wouldn't wake up and I saw the blisters I knew."

"Knew what?"

"You had blood on the brain. Hell, Danny, I am sorry as hell about that."

"I didn't want you messing with Sherry!" I blurted out.

"Yea, I got that. I just thought that, since you and Kathy? Anyway, I left her alone. You and me are buds, OK? We fucked up, I know that now but at least you are lucky, she forgives you."

"How do you know that?"

"She told us, plus we told her everything. Kathy got her a job at the spa were she works."

"God, Kathy works there too?"

"Yea, she does. It brings in $300, sometimes $400 per shift. It's not what you think, they just do rubs."

"Rubs? Jesus fucking Christ! Rubs?"

"Hey, it ain't a big deal. She needed a job and that stuff is easy. Besides, Sherry is different, she won't do anything else at all. Hell, she won't even get her tits out for the customers, she could make twice as much if she would. She is lucky to bring home $200. Hell, they call her the Ice Princess, the boss would can her but for some crazy reason she has regulars."

"I suppose that makes it all better, right?"

"She loves you, for God's sakes. Otherwise she would be long gone. She sat there in your room every single moment that she wasn't working."

"This is just great." I mumbled.

Right about in there was when I made my decision. Was it the right one? Thinking about that later, it struck me how much a person can give up because of pride and being stubborn.

Right at that time, pride and being stubborn prevailed.

+++

It took weeks before I began doing exercises, then finally started running. Well, it began as just walking, then short trots. One day I actually ran about 100 feet, from there improvement was rapid.

Sherry came home from work, not one time did she mention anything about it and I didn't ask. The whole idea of what she was doing burned at me, I forced myself to keep it out of my mind.

A few times she reached for me with her hands, that instantly put the bad thoughts into my head and no way could I get an erection. Sherry picked up on that, she quit trying to do even that.

I saw her begin to change, it was like a light that had always been in her eyes before just faded away.

She also flatly refused to quit the job she was doing, telling me we needed the income.

Sonny went off to his job, Kathy left the same time Sherry did. Those times I was alone, I just did everything I could think of to get back in shape. My weight began to come back, and in places it hadn't been before. My arms filled out, so did my legs. The crazy dizziness that tormented me faded.

One day I stepped on the scales and they read the same weight as before, but my shirt size was now one size larger, and my waist was one size smaller.

My wife and I were together, yet apart if that makes any sense at all. How a person can bottle up both anger and guilt at the same time is beyond me, I somehow managed to do that, too.

I finally found work, same field, different company.

Sherry by now knew. So did I. There was no real way to continue like this.

She just looked saddened when I told her what I was going to do.

"I guess I knew." Was the sum total of what she had to say. I expected her to cry, beg, throw some kind of fit.

She didn't. It was almost like she was resigned to it.

"You are one dumb ass!" Was what Sonny had to say, in disgust. I reached out and shook his hand. I had liked Sonny, he had been my friend for a very long time.

But now? Nothing was the same, and I could see no way for it ever to be like it was before.

I also knew I just could not stay, not with all that had happened. My own guilt was somehow overshadowed at what Sherry was doing.

"Rubs" it was called. I knew what that meant. How many men had she done that with? It had to be hundreds, perhaps..thousands? My wife, a jack off queen? Even with my own long history with women, that was something I just could not accept.

I was also having troubles dealing with my own guilt, my own failings, my own weakness. I had cheated with my best friend's wife, and being drunk was not an excuse. Of course, the one I had hurt was my own wife, and....myself.

+++

Nearly four years later, a man walked into the gym. I looked at him, not very many men came into the gym wearing business suits. He talked to the manager, then looked my way.

I saw his eyes widen, by now my body had 30 new pounds on it, my hair was closely shaven. A couple of fairly large tattoos covered my upper arms.

The gym had become a crazy obsession, it was the one place I could get some peace. Soaked in sweat, my muscles and blood vessels bulging, I probably looked intimidating.

I took the packet he thrust into my hand.

"You are served." He didn't change expression, just turned and walked away.

Sherry had filed for divorce, one of those "No fault" things. I read the papers, she wanted nothing. That was probably the sum total of my life at that point anyway, nothing.

I made it all the way home to my apartment before the flood came. I sat and bawled like a baby. I had deliberately shoved everything out of my mind, doing my best to force myself to not think about what was, what could have been.

Pounding weights, fighting through pain and keeping right on is a very good way to do that.

But what did I expect from Sherry? I had left that day and I didn't look back.

My life had been perfect before, I wasn't proud of what I had been like growing up, but to me, being with Sherry was my life making amends.

She had come to me completely pure, innocent, it was somehow like being born again.

Then that day in Hawaii, in a partially drunken state, I cheated on her. Torn with guilt over that, over my own weakness, things had escalated. Sonny was just being Sonny, a crazy guy with his own ideas of life and sexuality.

That kind of life was not for me.

Finding out that Sherry had bypassed her own morals was a shock, had anyone told me that something like that could even happen, I would have called them a liar.

That is one sided, of course, but that fact changed nothing.

In the four years since I had even seen any of them, the thought was always there, in the back of my mind that somehow, just maybe, I could go back.

I should have. I could have. But I didn't.

Four long years, not a single word. My new life was over 1000 miles away from the old one. I sat and thought about that as I read those papers.

"No!" I yelled, standing up. Several men in the club turned to look at me, I ignored them.

+++

When I asked for a couple of weeks off, my boss told me I couldn't take the time.

"I just can't spare you right now, we have the new evening group you are training, so sorry. You will need to work something else out." He said. He didn't even look up from the computor screen he was staring at.

"Sure I can, I quit." I told him, and walked out.

The 1000 mile drive back to the city went by in a blur, the old Ford pickup I now drove purred the whole way. To this day I don't remember any of the trip, my thoughts were somewhere else.

When I pulled up at Sonny and Kathy's place, the first person I saw was Kathy. She was outside. clipping some plants in the yard.

She looked up at me, no sign of recognition on her face. Probably easy to understand, the long hair and slender 160 pound frame was replaced by a 220 pound male with a nearly bald head.

"My God! Look at you!" She exclaimed when it hit her who I was.

"Hello, Kathy. Is Sherry here?" I asked her.

"No. She moved out, not long after you left."

"Oh. Do you know where she lives?"

"Yes. She bought a small house over on 17th street." Kathy said.

"Bought? A house?" I was wondering where she hsd come up with the money for something like that?

Kathy read my thoughts.

"She inherited an estate from one of her Uncles, I guess it was quite a bit. I know she had enough to pay off all of the medical bills and some left over."

"She paid off my medical bills?"

"Yes, she did."

That was something I knew nothing about, but then how could I? There had never been a single word. I had noticed that the bills from the hospital had quit coming, but I had assumed they had given up.

"Is she..still....?" I started to ask.

Kathy smiled.

"No, Dan. She went to a trade school, she is working as a nurse over at the hospital, Samaritan. Plus she is in night school, trying to get her degree to be a registered nurse."

I guess I blinked at that. Sherry? A...nurse?

"So what is going on?" Kathy asked, when I didn't say anything.

"She filed for a divorce."

"Oh. And you don't like that, I see. For God's sakes, go see her! What in the world has taken you so long?"

"I just...? I don't know. Maybe I should just....?"

"God damn you! You go see her. She is completely different now, all grown up. Sherry loves you, everything she did was for you, to try and see to it you were taken care of. You repaid that by just leaving?"

I did manage to get out a thank you and turn away to my truck before the tears that welled up in my eyes betrayed me.

"You are in for a surprise, so don't you dare fuck things up, Danny!" I heard her yell out. I caught a glimpse of Kathy standing there, her hands on her hips.

I turned to ask her what she was talking about, but the front door was closing. I just started the truck and headed over to the address Kathy had given me.

+++

I guess I stood there on that porch for 15 solid minutes, trying to get up the courage to knock.

Finally I did.

It took me a moment to realize that the woman with the long reddish hair was Sherry, the last time I saw her, the hair was much shorter and dark.

"Yes?" She asked, her eyes showing no sign at all of recognition.

"It's me, Dan. I just wanted to...?" I told her.

"Dan? DAN! My God, you don't look anything at all like you did. If it wasn't for your voice....?" Her expression was one of shock.

We then looked at each other for a long moment.

"Well, come on in." Sherry stood aside, I walked in.

+++

It should have been easy to talk, it had been before. But now every comment was halting, like it was thought out before saying out loud.

Sherry mentioned her schooling, and how she was just a couple of years away from her certification.

I explained about how I had gotten into working out and then could not stop, it became an obsession, which evolved into a trade. I now trained others who had the same obsession, or partially anyway.

We had been talking for perhaps an hour, both of us beating the bush around what we wanted to say.

Just as I was going to ask about her wanting a divorce, a door opened. There stood a little girl perhaps four years old. Her eyes were enormous, she looked at me, then stuffed her thumb in her mouth.

I looked at her and back to Sherry, who suddenly had tears in her eyes.

"This is Danielle." Sherry told me quietly.

I think I blinked in surprise, the little girl was clearly a spitting image of what Sherry must have looked like at that age.

"I see. I wondered why after all this time you finally wanted to....? Is the father still around, I mean, is that what you want?"

"Danielle is yours, Danny." Sharon said flatly.

"What? She can't be, I have been gone....?"

"Danny, you and I made love about three weeks before you...before you left. I quit taking the birth control pills when you were...sick, and when you were recovering we...we didn't..."

I remembered that, best described as less than memorable. Sherry had just gotten home, she hugged me but I wasn't really in the mood. She went in and took a shower before coming to bed, when she came out with a towel wrapped around herself. The way she looked, so beautiful, so vulnerable, I had reacted and I reached out for her.

Still, it was a struggle for me, I barely managed an erection. The thought was there, the body was not complying well at that point in my life.

We did complete the act, but like I said, less than memorable.

+++

I sat there for some time in surprise. Sherry didn't say a single word. Little Danielle went over to a box of toys and began to play.

"So? What are you going to do, Danny?" Sherry asked me.

"I don't know. I guess I need to find work, send support. I was also thinking, what if you and I were to give it another try? Perhaps if we put everything behind us....?"

Sherry appeared uncomfortable at that, she wouldn't quite meet my eyes.

"There is something else you don't know, Danny. I met someone, he is a Doctor where I work. We have been...dating."

"Oh." I suppose I should have thought about that, expected something along those lines. Life goes on, no one can expect love to last forever.

"Is it serious?" I asked her.

"Yes, his name is Dale, he should be home in a few minutes." She said.

"Home?" That word cut into me, I don't know what I expected. Perhaps that everything would be normal, everyone waiting for me to get my own act together?

"I see. I guess I had better go then."

"No. Please stay. Because of Danielle, you will always be in our lives, so I want you to meet Dale."

Dale walked in less than 20 minutes later, he looked at me with some surprise and discomfort showed in his face. He was a medium height man, about 35 or so, and very slender. Not what I would have expected Sherry to pick at all.

The way I appeared at that point in my life did create that kind of reaction in most people.

"Dale, this is my...my husband, Dan. Dan, meet Dale." Sherry said with some discomfort.

"I see." Dale shook my hand, I was careful to not clamp down.

We did talk, but the truth is that in this situation there really isn't a hell of a lot to talk about.

Finally I left, but now I stupidly began to plan on how to win my wife back. I had already told her I did not want a divorce, she had looked at me sadly and told me she did.

Using the excuse of visiting my daughter, I began to drop by every few days. Over a period of a few months, my hair grew back, and I was being on my best behavior.

Things did come to a head, of course they did. Dale did not like the idea of my being around, and by he time he complained to Sherry about it I already had Danielle calling me "Daddy."

I rebelled when Sherry told me they needed me to "structure" my visits more regularly, and she suggested every other weekend.