Try Walking in My Shoes

This fear was reinforced when by coincidence I met some people who turned out to know her and who were convinced she and Ralph were still a couple.

I realized that the tables were turned completely. Now we were living together as a couple and Ralph was the threat to our relationship. I was constantly living in fear that his abilities in bed might improve, given enough time and motivation. If he got as good as I was, I was afraid she wouldn´t need me anymore. He was more handsome than I was, bigger, she admittedly still loved him. These thoughts were probably irrational, but they still killed me. I even had these fears in mind while we were having sex and it started to diminish my fun.

The Karma credit plan was in full effect.

The situation was less than perfect, but what could I do about it? Confront her? And risk driving her back into Ralph´s arms? No. Better not rock the boat. She didn´t know that I suspected she was cheating on me and so far life was good for me. Well, it was at least acceptable. The problem was that Ralph had tried to use a similar denial strategy while they were still a couple and it hadn´t worked for him. This was driving me insane.

After a few weeks of growing insecurity, I almost couldn´t stand it anymore.

xx

"Tom, honey, what do you think about having a baby?" Wow, that surely came out of the blue.

"Ah, Tina, I don´t know..."

"What? It´s because we´re not married? Tom, I´m willing to change that any time you want."

"No, it´s not because of that. It´s because you´re still seeing Ralph and I´d never know who the father is."

Well, there it was, the cat was out of the bag. I HAD rocked the boat now and I was anxiously waiting for what would happen next. She just stared at me in shock and ran out of the room. Shit. Had I lost her? After a few minutes she returned with teary eyes.

"I´m so sorry, Tom. Of course I´ll stop seeing him. At least without you."

"Without me? I´m not into guys."

"What? Are you suspecting me of still having sex with him?"

"Well... yeah... kind of."

"You can´t possibly be that dumb. I promised you to be yours only and I intend to keep that promise. Yes, I´ve seen him for a few lunches. I think I owe him that much. But I´m faithful to you."

For some reason I believed her.

"I´m sorry Tina. But you have to admit, given our history..."

"Yes, I´m a cheater. I have to live with that stigma. But I never actually lied to Ralph. Sure, I didn´t tell him about meeting you, but I never told him a direct lie. And I´m telling you now that I´m faithful to you."

I was feeling like a fool now. But I also felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. We were both still paying the price for cheating on Ralph.

"So you could stop seeing him?"

"Sure. You think I have to?"

"If you can, why haven´t you? I had to assume you still love him."

"Tom, honey, Ralph and I were together since forever. We and everybody else thought we were made for each other. Our mutual future was never in question. We´ve been friends forever, we took each other's cherry, we were destined to grow old together. I always thought that I loved him. Well, it turned out that I did on some level, but only after meeting you I found out about real, true love. And it´s not just the sex. With Ralph I share some kind of camaraderie, friendship, affection. I like him and you could also say that I love him like a brother. But with you I feel deep, real love. So of course I can stop seeing him if I have to. You win hands down. I kept seeing him more out of obligation than love. I think he loves me as deeply as I love you and I tried to let him down gently."

"I see." Wow, talk about feeling relieved. "Don´t you think you´re still making it even harder for him this way? He probably still has hopes to win you back. It must be torture for him."

"Yes, you´re probably right. I even knew this, but I was too weak to finally break it off."

"Good." Although it was probably inappropriate, I was smiling widely now. She was finally and truly mine. I felt muscles in my body relax that I wasn´t even aware of. A feeling of contentment swept over me.

"Tom, would it be okay if I saw him from time to time? Without sex, of course. And with you present," she added quickly.

"Well, given your history, I´d prefer if you not. I admit that it would make me feel queasy. But I´d understand if you feel like you have to."

"Thank you so much. For allowing this and for forgiving me for seeing him secretly." Well, what else could I do? In our group of serial cheaters, I could hardly blame her for a small thing like this, could I?

xx

For the weeks to follow we pampered each other to the extreme. We were ultra-considerate during sex, bought each other small gifts, brought coffee to the bed, the whole package. My motivation was to make sure she didn´t look at Ralph again. Her motivation? I didn´t know. Guilt maybe? Staking her claim? Making sure I wasn´t suspicious? Whatever it was, it was fun for a while, but it was also a little too much. After a while, we both toned it down a little and our relationship relaxed and turned into a stable, long-term thing.

xx

We were sitting at the breakfast table on a lovely Saturday morning.

"Yes, Tina," I said out of the blue.

"What?"

"I accept."

"Honey, what are you talking about?"

"You proposed to me, remember?"

Her face lit up like the sun.

"Seriously? You´d marry a cheater like me?"

"Tina, you don´t have to bring that up time and again. Both of our histories are less than stellar in the regard."

"Boy, are you not going to regret this!"

I was just grinning like a moron.

"I´ll stay faithful to you, you don´t have to be afraid."

"I know." But I didn´t. That was probably exactly what she had promised Ralph as well.

"I´m going to make sooo sure you´re not going to regret this, Tom."

xx

Six years and two kids later I still haven´t. She still spoils me rotten and so do I her. But I´m also not dumb. Without having talked about it, we made our smartphone tracking function available to each other. I still discreetly check her emails and her phone from time to time. So far she has proven to be faithful. Our marriage started with cheating and that flaw will never leave.

Officially, Ralph has come to terms with the situation. To my chagrin, he visits us frequently with his new wife and their little son. We try our best to be cordial with each other, but there is a definite tension in the room whenever he´s around. I also see the secret longing glances in her direction and they unsettle me quite a lot. Keeping our mutual track record in mind, I do my very best to keep her pleased sexually and otherwise. Being unhappy with her sex life was what lead her to drop Ralph and that´s a situation I´d rather not find myself in. So I´m under quite a bit of pressure, but as long as I have her, I can live with that.

Despite that nagging and probably unjustified doubt in the background I´m finally starting to believe it. I´ve won the absolute dream woman from a far more attractive man. But I did it at the price of my moral standards. Was it worth it? Hell, yes.