Turning Fifty!

This submission is an account of my actual colonoscopy and the succeeding events. It is 90% factual and 10% fantasy. For some it might be educational. Others, if you have an active imagination and can fill in the blanks, will find it amusing. I'll let the reader guess which parts are the result of my active imagination!

*****

When a man reaches a certain age things have a way of catching up with him. That was my problem. I hadn't taken the best care of myself and now the doctor was laying it on the line. "Fred, I've been telling you this for the last three years. When you turn fifty and have the family history you have it is time to get a colonoscopy."

I've been in denial. No man looks forward to seeing the doctor much less a gastroenterologist! And I'm fifty-three so I've been dodging this procedure for three years. "I'm writing a referral for you for a Dr. Claymore. You have a choice to make. Either get the exam or get a new doctor."

"But..."

"I don't want to argue with you, Fred. You seem fairly healthy for a man your age. Your blood pressure and cholesterol are manageable. You've seen a dermatologist about the spots on your forehead. Why do you resist this one test?"

"I don't know, it's just..."

"Fred, think about it. I've been doing prostate exams every year. This is no different! Colon cancer can be treated if detected early enough so just do it."

Reluctantly I agreed, I knew intellectually that it had to be done. There is a history of cancer in my family, not colon cancer but still, my doctor was right. I just didn't like the idea of someone sticking an endoscope where the sun don't shine. "I'll make the appointment right away!"

"Fred, you know Dr. Claymore will request your history, don't you? I expect to see that request no later than tomorrow!"

"Yes, doctor. I said I'd do it, I will."

"You'd better, Fred, I'm serious this time! His office is on the 1st floor in the building next door. Tell me you'll do it before you go home."

"Yes, doctor." I knew I should do it. I decided to suck it up and just go straight over to Dr. Claymore's office and make the appointment in person.

When I walked into Dr. Claymore's office I was greeted by a very pleasant, chubby young woman. "Do you have an appointment?"

"No, I'm here to make one!"

"You could have just called."

"I was next door at Dr. Deng's and I don't like to be put on hold so I thought it would be easier if I just stopped by."

"Dr. Claymore has openings the middle of next month. Do you prefer mornings or afternoon?"

"Afternoon."

"How does Wednesday the fifteenth at 1 pm sound?"

"That will work for me."

"Your last name please? ...First? Thank you, Mr. Collier. Please bring your insurance information and a list of all medicines you take including vitamins and any herbal products.

I will request your medical history from Dr. Deng." She handed me the usual card. "Let us know if you can't keep this appointment, please."

"I'll be here!"

"Not here exactly, Mr. Collier. Colonoscopies are done on the third floor at the hospital. You check in at reception on the first floor and they will walk you through it. Enjoy the day Mr. Collier."

I smiled, nodded, thanked her and left. "Great!" I thought, "I'll have five whole weeks to stew about this."

When I got home I told my wife, Sara Lee, about the appointment.

"It's about time, don't you think?" She had been nagging about it ever since Dr. Deng wanted me to get one. Three weeks dragged by and nothing more was said; I put it out of my mind, well, almost completely! It wasn't keeping me up at night.

Two weeks before my appointment I received an email from Dr. Claymore's office. The usual reminder, date and time, bring insurance information, bring a list of medicines and be sure to bring someone to drive you home! "Why didn't she tell me this when I made the appointment?" I thought.

"Honey!" I yelled at my wife as I walked to the kitchen. "I just got an email from Dr. Claymore's office. I need someone to drive me home after my colonoscopy."

"I know." She replied calmly.

"You do?"

"Sure, I drove my dad last year when he got his, don't you remember?"

"I guess not."

"I'll just take a book or my embroidery. It doesn't take long."

"Why didn't they tell me when I made my appointment?"

"How should I know?" She was a little annoyed. "Ask them!"

As the remaining two weeks passed I became more and more apprehensive. I imagined all kinds of problems. It was all for naught. I endured the bowel cleansing process without any problems and at about 11 am my wife told me to take a shower. She handed me a long-handled scrub brush as I got in the shower. "What is this for?"

"Guess!"

"I was fresh as a daisy and combing my hair when my wife popped her head into the bathroom. "I laid out some clothes for you."

"Thanks." She left a tee shirt, sweat pants, and undershorts on the bed.

"Where are my trousers and why just a tee shirt?"

"Dad says you'll be glad you don't overdress."

"I want my regular trousers."

"Suit yourself!"

The actual appointment was easier than going to the dentist. From the reception clerk through the medical interview and the anesthesiologist interview everyone was cheerful, supportive and professional. The last thing I remember was being rolled into a room for the procedure and being asked to roll over on my left side.

I was getting dressed when Dr. Claymore brought my results. "I have very good news, Mr. Collier. I found nothing to be concerned about in your colon."

"That's a relief!" My wife declared.

"There is one cause for concern though, There are some small growths, like skin tags, in your rectum. I'm referring you to Dr. Newman for a consultation. She will advise you as to whether or not any of them should be removed.

"Thank you, doctor!" My wife beamed. "That's good news. We'll call for an appointment as soon as we get home."

"Our offices are on the first floor in the building attached to the hospital. Stop by on your way out, it usually takes less time than calling."

I was numb. I was glad there was nothing serious to be concerned about but not so sure I wanted a female doctor examining my butt!

Dr. Claymore handed my wife a printout, "Give this to our receptionist."

As Dr. Claymore left my wife asked, "How are you feeling?"

"Still a little groggy. I should have worn the sweatpants!"

"That's what Dad said."

"I know." We walked out of the surgery suite, took the elevator to the first floor, walked through the main lobby and down a long hallway to Dr. Newman's office. I suddenly realized they shared an office, it was the same receptionist that I had talked to when I made my appointment with Dr. Claymore. The anesthesia was beginning to wear off.

"Do you have an appointment?"

My wife handed the paper we'd received from Dr. Claymore to the receptionist.

"Oh! Mr. Collier, you've just had your colonoscopy and I see there is nothing serious to worry about but Dr. Claymore wants you to see Dr. Newman about some small tags in your rectum. Let's see, she has openings next month. Do you prefer mornings or afternoons?"

"We'd prefer a morning appointment, say 10 or 11 o'clock." My wife asserted.

"Yes, ma'am." We have Tuesday the 17th, Wednesday the 18th or Friday the 20th."

"How does Tuesday sound to you, Fred?"

"Works for me, I'll just let Oliver know I won't be in again."

I spent the next four weeks worrying about my next appointment. I imagined being on an exam table with my legs in the air like a woman getting a gynecological exam. What could be more embarrassing? I worried about getting an erection while the doctor probed my butt. I almost canceled but my wife insisted. She has male doctors I could have one female doctor! There was no debate. When you are married to a headstrong woman you know what I mean!

The day of the appointment Sara Lee handed me the scrub brush and told me it was time to get ready. I took my shower and went to get dressed. She had laid out sweatpants and a tee shirt again. I was vain and chose the trousers. Besides if it was like the colonoscopy I'd be nude under a gown anyway!

As we walked into the office the receptionist grinned and asked, "Do you have an appointment?"

"We do." My wife answered.

"Sara Lee! This is my appointment, You are just here for moral support." I turned to the receptionist. "My name is Fred Collier, my birthday is 6/27/66 and my appointment is with Dr. Newman."

"Thank you, Mr. Collier. Have a seat, we'll be with you shortly."

I turned to find a magazine. "No need to be snippy!" My wife whispered.

"I'm an adult, dear. I don't chime in on your doctor's appointments."

"You don't go to my doctor's appointments."

"That's not the point. I can answer all these questions and if I can't I'll let you know."

"Yes, dear." She was pissed, I could tell by her tone.

"Mr. Collier?" It sounded like a question but I was the only man in the waiting area so she should have known it was me.

"Yes."

"My name is Beth, I'll be taking your vitals, please come with me." My wife stood up too. "Is this your wife?"

"Yes, it is."

"Would you like her to accompany you on this visit?"

I didn't know what to say. "Sure." She did bring me and it seemed like she thought she would.

We walked a very short distance to an exam room. "Mrs. Collier, you can have a seat in here. By the door would be best. I am going to weigh Mr. Collier and get his height and we'll be right back."

The scales were less than ten feet from the exam room. I took off my coat and handed it to my wife. "Hold this for me, please."

Beth was in her late forties or early fifties. She was a pleasant woman and not at all intimidating. As we walked into the exam room she asked, "May I have your name and birthdate please?"

"My wife started to respond, " Frederick.. "

Beth stopped her. "Please let your husband respond, ma'am. It is actually part of the interview for adults."

She looked at me and repeated, "Your name and birthdate please?"

"Frederick Collier, 6/27/66." I smiled and laughed as I said it.

"What is so funny, Mr. Collier?"

"It's not funny at all and I know and appreciate why you ask. It's just that you are all so good at verifying that you are speaking to the right patient. Your professionalism actually gives me a sense of confidence."

"Thank you, Mr. Collier. I have a few more questions before Dr. Newman gets here."

There was a long list of general health questions some I know are mandated by the federal government. I answered all of them candidly even though some of them I had never even discussed with my wife. She sat in silence but I could tell she was having trouble holding her tongue.

As Beth left the exam room I turned to my wife and asked, "Are you OK?"

"Am I OK? It's your doctor's appointment! Are you OK!?"

I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled. "So far I guess I am."

Dr. Newman walked in with a nurse and another doctor. "Good afternoon. How are you today, Mr. Collier?"

I smiled and answered as I always do when greeted by a medical professional, "That's what I'm here, to find out."

"Please give me your full name and birthdate."

Frederick Collier, 6/27/66. Her assistant, Beth smiled and winked.

"Thank you, Mr. Collier, before we proceed this is my nurse assistant, Mrs. Barnes and an intern specializing in gastroenterology, Dr. Sims."

Before I go any further I must explain, Dr. Newman, who was not the oldest of the three, was a very attractive lady with a very soothing voice. Her nurse, Mrs. Barnes was about my age, not quite five feet tall and a little on the heavy side. Pleasantly plump is the term that comes to mind. Dr. Sims was the youngest of the three and although she did her best to hide it a looker if there ever was one!

My head was spinning. All I could manage was a very weak "pleased to meet you."

"You brought your wife with you?"

"She brought me!"

"She did, did she?"

The women exchanged greetings all around. "She's welcome to stay if you think you'd be more comfortable." Dr. Newman continued, " Dr. Sims is going to observe this procedure with your permission."

I didn't want to appear to be unsophisticated and so mumbled softly, "Of course."

The next few minutes were a detailed discussion of my daily bowel movements, the condition of my stool, presence or absence of bleeding and honestly I really don't remember everything! The bottom line (sorry about the pun) was that there were three small growths in my rectum which if not removed and tested could be a problem. The good news was that it was an outpatient procedure requiring only local anesthetic. The bad news was that they could only be removed one at a time over a period of four to six weeks depending on how fast I healed.

"Dr. Newman, if you don't mind." I interrupted, "You've explained the problem very well but what would be the consequence if I chose not to have these growths removed?"

"That is a very good question, Mr. Collier." She began patiently, "If they remain relatively small there would be very little risk. The chances that these papillae are cancerous are quite small although in your case slightly higher because of your history. If they continue to grow they could cause some bleeding and pain during a bowel movement. If one or more of them gets large enough they may even protrude from your anus and you might have to push them back in every time you have a bowel movement. Other than that not much."

I looked at my wife. "Don't look at me, this is your decision."

"Well then, doctor, it seems like the best course of action is to proceed."

"It is the best course of action, Mr. Collier." She reassured me, "While we go out and prepare an instrument tray please remove your shirt and put on this gown."

"What about his pants?" Sara Lee wondered.

"You can keep those on, Mr. Collier." The doctor explained, "When we come back I will describe the procedure and each of the instruments. There is nothing to be concerned about."

The three medical professionals left the exam room. I took off my tee shirt and put on the gown. My wife tied it at the neck and waist and we both sat down. Within moments nurse Beth, the assistant who took my vitals brought a tray with the supplies and instruments needed, all covered by a towel. As she left, Dr. Newman, nurse Barnes and Dr. Sims returned wearing disposable gowns and surgical masks around their necks.

"Mr. Collier," Dr. Newman began, "This is an anoscope with the obturator. It is very much like the speculum the gynecologist uses to examine the interior of a woman's vagina but smaller." She showed it to my wife.

"Yes, it is." She agreed.

"I will lubricate and dilate your anus, insert the anoscope and we will map the locations of the papillae. We will decide which one should be removed today, numb the area with lidocaine, remove the first nodule, and then swab the area with silver nitrate to control bleeding. Is that clear, Mr. Collier?" Her description of the procedure was succinct.

"Yes, doctor."

"Very good, now we need to get you positioned." Nurse Barnes had prepared the exam table. She pulled out the step at the end of the table and placed a small pillow on it. "I need you to kneel on this step and spread your legs, try to get as close to the edges as you can."

My wife interrupted, "I don't understand, doctor, that's not how my gynecologist does an exam."

"That's right, Mrs. Collier, but think about it, your gynecologist is examining your vagina. The best position for that exam is on your back, the supine position. When the anus and rectum are examined we prefer the patient be on their side as in the colonoscopy or the prone or semi-prone position."

"OK." My wife responded, "I understand."

"Now unbuckle your belt and slide your trousers and underwear down to your knees."

I reached under the gown and did as instructed. I was facing the corner behind the exam table and my wife was sitting to my right by the door. The nurse and two female doctors were behind me. My fear was that I would become aroused and embarrass myself. I could feel the step rising; it stopped when my hips were just above the exam table.

"Mr. Collier, I want you to lean forward so that your abdomen is resting on the table; you can support yourself with your forearms if that is more comfortable."

I held my head in my hands and closed my eyes trying to not think about what was happening behind me. "Are you OK, Mr. Collier, would you like a pillow for your head?"

"No, thank you, doctor, I'm OK." Physically I may have been OK but my mind was having a hard time thinking about three attractive women examining my ass while my wife watched.

"I'm going to place a towel over your clothing between your legs, Mr. Collier, and undo the tie at the waist of your gown." I didn't respond. She continued, "as you can see, Dr. Sims, with the patient in this position the anus and rectum are presented in the best way for this procedure."

"Yes, doctor."

"Do you see the difference, Mrs. Collier?" I was imagining the difference myself. I was naked from my knees to my shoulders with my ass up in the air and yet displayed modestly. Well, at least my dick and nuts weren't flopping around or worse."

"Yes I do, doctor, it makes perfect sense."

I thought I detected amusement in her tone but that could have been my anxiety increasing.

"What is the towel for, doctor?"

"I was about to explain that to Dr. Sims, thank you for asking! When the anoscope is inserted in the rectum pressure can cause the prostate to release a clear fluid."

"Pre-cum!" My wife exclaimed.

"Well, yes, but in medical terms it is part of the seminal fluid, it lubricates the urethra and helps balance the ph of the fluid."

Now I had to worry about cuming!

Dr. Newman placed her left hand on the small of my back and asked, How are you doing Mr. Collier?

"I'm fine." That was a lie. But I wouldn't have been any better if a man was doing the exam--maybe worse!

"Mr. Collier, I'm going to examine the area just inside your anus. I want to feel where the nodules are before inserting the anoscope, just relax it will only take a minute.

I tried to relax, I really did. I took a deep breath and let it out! "Now breathe normally, Mr. Collier." Her finger slipped into my asshole and I could feel it moving methodically around the wall of my rectum. "Don't tense up, Mr. Collier, just relax, there, all done! That wasn't so bad was it?"

I didn't answer and I'm sure she really didn't expect one.

"Now, Mr. Collier, I would like Dr. Sims to perform the same exam, is that all right?"

I shrugged my shoulders and agreed.

"Thank you very much, Mr. Collier." Dr. Sims praised, "Hands-on experience is very important for medical students and interns. I know you didn't expect this so thank you; I really appreciate it."

Dr. Newman continued, "There are two parts to this exam, three if you are examining the prostate. Is it OK for her to examine your prostate, Mr. Collier?"

I shrugged again, sighed and this time answered, "Why not?'

"That's the spirit, Mr. Collier! In the first part of the exam it is important to gradually dilate the anus," Dr. Newman instructed. "Slowly massage the anal sphincter muscle and ask the patient to relax. Your finger should be able to slip in with minimal pressure. If not, the patient is too tense." I felt her finger slip into my rectum.

"That was easy! You're a very cooperative patient, Mr. Collier!"

"He should be so cooperative at home!" My wife blurted.

Men are always better behaved with strangers!" Nurse Barnes observed.

"Shall we continue, ladies." Dr. Newman scolded somewhat good-naturedly. I couldn't see her face but she sounded like she was grinning. "It is important to feel all around the entrance to the rectum. Tell me what you feel."