tagReviews & EssaysTV Shows We'd Like to See

TV Shows We'd Like to See

byCal Y. Pygia©

Erotica filmmakers often piggyback on "legitimate" films (i. e., Hollywood productions) by parodying them. The "adult" equivalents both tip off potential voyeurs--i. e., viewers--to the connection between the two movies (the "legitimate" and the "adult" imitation) and to the fact that the latter is a parody of the former. It's a cheap, but effective, way of stealing, or, uh, obtaining, story ideas (not that there is all that much "story" to an erotic film).

MAD Magazine sometimes features an occasional "We'd Like to See" series in which writers and artists collaborate to show readers outrageous, often satirical takes on current events, movies, advertisements, and other situations and artifacts of popular culture.

What the hell does MAD Magazine have to do with erotic films?

Fair question.

Hollywood often combines two successful movies to produce a hybridized (or bastardized) third film that, they hope, will be just as successful--in other words, will earn beaucoup bucks--as its parent movies. MAD's "We'd Like to See" series provides erotic filmmakers--all right, pornographers--a means to do the same thing with regard to producing (potentially) hit television series. Parody, of course, is the key.

Here are a few examples to show the more obtuse (i. e., stupid) pornographers the way.

Charlie's Angels. The "angels" could be high-class call girls dispatched to high-rolling clients by their pimp, the suave and debonair (but never seen) "Charlie." This could be a long-running series, and there'd be no lack of guest stars: President Bill Clinton, Vice-President Al Gore, Senator John Edwards, Senator John Ensign, Congressman Newt Gingrich, Congressman Bob Livingston, Governor James McGreevey, Mayor Rudy Giuliani, Governor Eliot Spitzer, golf pro Tiger Woods, TV comedian and talk show host David Letterman, Governor Mark Sanford, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, hoop star Kobe Bryant, and even Senator Barney Frank or Senator Larry Craig (if there's a gay episode).

Alternatively, the "angels" could be of the fallen type--sex demons, in other words, or, to use the theologically correct term, succubae. These demons take female form to collect semen from their one-night stands. Then, taking male form, they deposit the fecundating fluid in the cunts of the women they visit in nightmares (or wet dreams). Pretty much the same guest stars, except for Barney Frank and Larry Craig, of course, could still be cast in the series if the show featured succubae (and maybe incubi) instead of call girls. If, in addition to the succubae "angels," the series also features incubi, then the potential guest list for female stars become all but limitless, so many are the actresses who are willing not only to get naked before the camera but also to film "love scenes" of the most risqué sort.

Another erotic TV series we'd like to see? Jon & Kate Plus 8. This seems like a promising premise. The only questions, really, are whether the costars would take on the eight guest stars simultaneously, in an orgy, or one by one, sequentially; whether bisexuality would be involved and, if so, for whom, Jon, Kate, or both; and whether the "eight" would be friends, neighbors, strangers, or some of each. (Family isn't a possibility unless the kids are the adult versions of the original series' offspring, who are underage.)

As the failed attempt to interest Americans in a preteen Dakota Fanning's sexual assault in Hound Dog shows, Americans, depraved as they are, haven't sunk to this level of degeneracy--at least not yet. Maybe former child actors can substitute for the Gosselins' actual twins and sextuplets. The Partridge Family's Danny Bonaduce and Diff'rent Strokes' Todd Bridges, to mention only a couple, are probably available. They're not doing anything much nowadays except hosting The World's Dumbest series. In fact, most, if not all, of the cast of The Brady Bunch might also be interested in auditioning for a role as one of the eight. If the show is daring enough to feature a few episodes of necrophilia, maybe even Dana Plato's remains might be signed for a bit part or a cameo appearance.

Bewitched is another possibility. How could a TV series that starred Elizabeth Montgomery and a movie starring Nicole Kidman not be a contender as the basis for an erotic TV spoof? Maybe Lindsay Lohan could be the witch after she gets out of jail. Can you imagine her twitching her nose--or some other part of her anatomy? Drugs and alcohol haven't totally destroyed her looks (yet), although they have reduced her to playing roles such as that of Lind Lovelace, the original Deep Throat. Who'd play her husband, Durwood? Jim Carey? Who the hell cares, really?

The premise might be that the sexy witch bewitches sexy men, playing tricks more like those that a prostitute (or Linda Lovelace) would play than those viewers of the original TV series might expect from the girl-next-door-cute Montgomery. For those on Viagra or Vigorelle, octogenarian actors like Kirk Douglas and Betty White could appear as Maurice and Endora, and, if a gay dimension is included, maybe Neil Patrick Harris could perform the role of Uncle Arthur. If a spoof of this situation comedy, or sitcom, catches on, other possibilities for erotic parodies along this line are I Dream of Jeannie (what red-blooded man or woman doesn't?), My Favorite Martian, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, and My Mother the Car. A perfect vehicle for a transsexual series would be an erotic remake of The Girl With Something Extra.

For imaginative sitcom writers and the porn producers who piggyback on their TV counterparts' work, the titles alone of some of the original Bewitched series' episodes suggest some interesting, erotic possibilities for storylines: "I, Darren, Take This Witch, Samantha" (sounds ravishing!); "It Shouldn't Happen to a Dog," (for zoologists and veterinarians); "The Witches Are Out" (a lesbian episode); "Just One Happy Family" (a tale of incest); ". . . And Something Makes Three" (a threesome, and I don't mean a golfing party); "Your Witch Is Showing" (exhibitionism or maybe voyeurism); "Eye of the Beholder" (definitely voyeurism); "Pleasure O'Reilly" (a gigolo show); "There's No Witch Like an Old Witch" (for those into octogenarian or MILF storylines); "That Was My Wife" (adultery, followed, it sounds like, by divorce)--and those are just some of the more suggestive episode titles from season one! This show would be HOT!

In fact, episode titles that suggest erotic themes are a quick, effective way to determine whether a sitcom has potential as fodder for pornographic parody. Clearly, Bewitched does. Applying this test to other sitcoms, it's clear to see that this television genre is a veritable goldmine for sexy satires:

Roseanne: "Lovers' Lane" (self-explanatory); "Somebody Stole My Gal" (adultery); "Five of a Kind" (gay or lesbian orgy); "I'm Hungry" (wall-to-wall oral sex); "Like a Virgin" (faking virginity); "Becky, Beds, and Boys" (self-explanatory); "Trick or Treat" (prostitution); "Dream Lover" (succubus sex); "Vegas Interruptus" (erectile dysfunction); "Less Is More" (pajama party games); "Deliverance" (the big "O"); "Ladies' Choice") (lesbianism, but, one hopes, Sapphic sex without a Roseanne look-a-like!); "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home" (incest). There are others, too, but, clearly, this sampling shows that Roseanne is a treasure trove of steamy sexual possibilities ripe for parody.

Since I'm an aficionado of shemale porn, more than any other kind, with gay male running a close second, I perused the episode titles of a few sitcoms to see whether any of them suggests a transgender twist. Quite a few do, I'm happy to report, including "Secret Passage," "Kris and the Queen," "The Exotic Housemother," "Losing Miss Edwards," "Operation Barry," "The Girl Who Loses Things," "Who Needs Girls?," "Composite Girl," "Re-Dressing Ricky" (and a couple titles that suggest gay storylines are "The Gay Blade" and "Fruitcake") (Ozzie and Harriet); "Changing the Boys' Wardrobe" and "Lucy Meets the Queen" (I Love Lucy); "Lady Engineer," "Designing Women," "Call Her Max," "You Saw a What?" (My Three Sons); "Cutting It Close," "Girls Will Be Boys," "Designing Mothers," and "Is It true About Stephanie?" (Full House); and "The Feminine Mistake," "A Night to Dismember," and "What a Drag" (Home Improvement).

As far back as the 1940s, right up to the present, Hollywood has "entertained" audiences with everything from The Trouble with Father and Our Miss Brooks to The Office and Modern Family. Porn producers have all the "inspiration" they need for the plot-thin plots of their erotic films.

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