Twelfth Man

For readers with no interest in the noble game of cricket the 'twelfth man' is akin to a first reserve. In certain circumstances he can substitute for a team mate. He's more likely to be the team 'gofer', delivering replacement equipment to a batsman or carrying out the tray of drinks on a hot day.

In our local team he is usually an older player who has served the club, but feels unable to contribute to a whole game, or maybe an up and coming youngster, keen to get into the first eleven.

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"If you think those scrawny flowers from the garage are going to impress me you need to think again buster!"

My wife had a direct way with words. For the past several weeks she had honed her spiteful tongue to a fine edge. I had felt the constant cuts in every waking minute. Now it was time for the wounded worm to turn!

"Yes dear. They do look a bit droopy don't they? I selected them specially."

"What do you mean you idiot, these must be the crappiest bunch they've got!" Her face reflected the disgusted tone of her voice.

"Well yes dear, they weren't even on display. I found them in the rubbish bin behind the shop."

Now that slowed her down a bit. She couldn't make out the message. In the end she settled for "You're just a bloody cheapskate. Who else would pinch dud flowers!" She drew herself up to her full height, put on a haughty look and flounced out of the kitchen, her arms folded protectively below her breasts, her overly fat bottom quivering with each heavy step.

As she moved through the house I could hear her describing me to sundry furniture as a twerp, Wally, dickhead before she passed beyond my range of hearing. Peace reigned for a few precious minutes. I shortened the stems on the flowers, removed the dreary foliage and popped the resulting little bouquet into a jam jar full of water. They looked unexpectedly cheerful in the current frosty environment!

My oasis of calm turned out to be a mirage. It vanished as the door burst open and Brenda's frosty presence returned. "Sit down Percy, I want to talk to you!" Keeping my powder dry I meekly complied with the demand. That seemed to perplex her even further. She paced rapidly back and forth across our small kitchen. She could only do four angry stomps before she had to spin round and repeat the journey.

"We need to talk Percy!"

"Yes dear."

"Don't do that you fool. Why do you keep calling me 'dear'?"

"Sorry dear. It's probably an irritating habit from our fifteen years of marriage. What would you prefer?" I looked hard into the blue eyes which had once captivated me. "Is there an appropriate term for someone who is about to declare divorce?"

Her mouth dropped. The belligerent stance wilted visibly. Brenda pulled a chair towards her and almost collapsed into it. "What are you talking about? I didn't mention divorce!"

"No dear, whoops sorry dear. No but I did." I stirred my tea a dozen times, she hated that! Her eyes followed my hand in its deliberately annoying motion.

"Stop that for God's sake Percy. Twice round is more than enough even for your strong brew."

"Yes dear."

"Stop that too you buffoon."

"Yes dear."

She sighed deeply, then pronounced clearly, "I know all about it." The haughty look made it clear that she was claiming the high ground in her impending battle.

"Do you dear? What is it that you know about?" I slurped my tea noisily, she really hated that!

"Don't do that Percy, you sound like an elephant. Anyway I know about your Tuesday and Thursday evenings when you claim you are doing physiotherapy." Now she looked as triumphant as Napoleon.

I continued my tea-taster's slurping and took pleasure from her grimace. "Yes dear. My treatment is really working well don't you think? Maybe I'll be back in the first eleven once I get properly fit."

Her eyes narrowed. "Treatment, what treatment? Millie has seen you going off with that masseuse every Tuesday and Thursday evening."

"Sorry dear, I didn't see Millie in the treatment room. Anthea is actually a qualified and very experienced physiotherapist. Did you know, when she was younger she worked in London and had to help some very famous cricketers get over injuries. She even met the Bedser twins when she was a trainee physio. What do you think about that?"

"What the devil are you talking about?"

I gazed off into the distance but I could sense her rising frustration as I quietly responded "Played for Surrey they did, real old time greats. Alec Bedser was one of the best bowlers England ever had. If only we had someone as dependable nowadays." I sighed and returned my gaze to Brenda's reddening face.

"So does Millie actually know Anthea?" I asked innocently pouring another cup of builder's brew.

"What? No. I don't know. But she's seen you both leaving the clinic and getting in your car." She pulled her shoulders back, ready to soldier on into battle again. "She saw you take her to that dance club on Bridge Street." Now she sat back, thrusting her large breasts forward like the carved figurehead on an old sailing ship.

My umpteenth stir of the spoon got to her.

"Stop that Percy. I've told you often enough that twice in a clockwise direction is all it needs."

"Yes dear. I wonder if you need to stir the other way round south of the equator?"

She looked totally bemused. Her mouth operated soundlessly, I rather liked that but I didn't say so!

"Where were we? Oh yes dear, Anthea thought my leg was mending quite nicely but needed something extra. Did you know that her daughter is married to a doctor in town?"

"What daughter? What doctor?"

"Cartwright."

"What?"

"That's the doctor, strangely enough that's also his wife's name."

"Of course it is you twerp, what has this got to do with you going out with Anthea?"

I slurped my cooling tea trying hard not to smile as Brenda ground her teeth.

"'Going out with', now that's a good old-fashioned expression dear. I guess you mean to imply that Anthea and I enjoy a non-professional relationship."

"What? No, I mean you're having a bloody affair with the whore." The electricity from constantly wrapping her arms around herself throughout our conversation was building up static in her hair. It was beginning to stand out alarmingly, most amusing!

"Ah, now I understand dear. That's why I've been getting the icy treatment lately is it?"

"Of course it is you fool! So while you've been having your extra-marital fun so have I!" She leaned back, a smug smirk disfigured her once lovable face.

"Oh!" I replied blandly. "How was it for you?"

"What do you mean dimwit?"

"Well dear. What did you do and how did you like it?"

"Millie said I should start with Claude, since he was handy so to speak." She paused for effect gazing dreamily at the ceiling. "Claude fucked me on their bed, twice actually. It was delightful Percy. He's got a big prick and I enjoyed my revenge."

"Twice eh dear, that's jolly good for old Claude, I hope his heart stood up to it."

"Of course it did you dolt. He loved it, so did Millie, she joined in as well."

"How nice for you dear. So is that it? Does that make us quits so to speak?"

She glowed with pride at her enterprise in revenge. "Well no actually. Millie and Claude took me down to the cricket club for a drink or two afterwards."

"That's nice dear. Have they finished the redecoration yet?"

"What? Oh yes I think so."

"That's good it's been in need of a fresh coat of paint for years." I murmured.

"We had a few drinks as it happens." Brenda paused, recalling the event with apparent pleasure. "Quite a few in fact."

"Yes dear, their prices are very reasonable."

"No, it wasn't that, we were enjoying ourselves. You wouldn't understand you dreary chump."

"No dear, maybe I don't understand."

"What?" She looked incredulous.

"Well dear, there you are with your sexy lover and his wife getting sloshed in the cricket club bar. It doesn't actually sound like all that much fun, even with their new paintwork."

"Well numbskull it was, so there. After a few drinks Millie suggested I should try someone else as well, just for fun."

"Oh really dear, and did Millie join in again?"

"No she bloody didn't, this time it was just me and the boys."

"Boys dear, as in like 'more than one'?"

"Yes damn you, the whole fucking team if you must know!"

"All except for me of course dear, I'm usually in the team."

"Not for bloody weeks you haven't been, since you twanged your dodgy tendon or whatever it was."

"All in one go dear?"

"What? Oh no, don't be silly. Every Tuesday and Thursday evening, while you were doing your girlfriend I took on two or three down at the club pavilion."

"What about the twelfth man dear?"

"I wish you'd stop calling me dear. Yes, of course, even the twelfth man."

"But he's just a boy dear, did you take his virginity?"

"He was eighteen the week before and yes, I was his first. He may only be a boy but if I say he's a 'big' boy you'll get my drift." She sounded mighty proud of her description.

"Well dear, you have been busy. All this to avenge my Tuesday and Thursday evening extended treatments?"

"Yes." She raised her chin defiantly.

"What now dear?"

"What do you mean?" She scowled, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Well dear, there's the second eleven. Surely my dalliance at therapeutic dance classes deserves you going the whole hog with your vengeance?"

"What dance classes? Millie said you were shagging that bloody physio woman."

"No dear. Anthea is very professional and has never touched me in any inappropriate way. Her daughter manages the dance and yoga club. They started some special remedial classes to improve balance and coordination for recovering patients. I must admit that after two hours of that stuff I am pretty shagged out!"

"But Millie said . ." She was gasping for breath.

"Ah Millie. What a friend you have in Millie." I nodded sagely. "Without asking me what was going on you took that witch's word for it and fucked a dozen of my best friends. Now do you see where the 'D' word comes in dear?"

"Surely you don't want to divorce me because of a little thing like that?"

"Maybe it does seem a little trivial when you look at it from your perspective. However I think that while a single adultery might possibly get forgiven in some circumstances your efforts put you way beyond redemption."

"But I don't want a divorce Percy."

"Too late dear, it's all under way now. You can't stay here. When you've packed your bags maybe you can move in with Millie and Claude? That should be fun for all of you."

"But Percy I want to stay married to you." She was desperate now.

"Shame about the twelfth man dear."

"What do you mean? He was actually not too bad for his first time."

"That's good dear; so glad you enjoyed the boy. Maybe you can become the team mascot now."

"You said 'Shame about the twelfth man', what did you mean?"

"Ah yes dear." I shook my head. "Big mistake there. Big mistake for various reasons." I left it hanging.

"Why? I don't see what you mean."

"Let me explain dear." I paused. "Would you like a cup of tea, this might take a while?"

"No, . . yes. Yes please Percy." Wow, polite already!

Taking my time I made a fresh pot and produced a cup and saucer for Brenda. She remained, almost frozen uncomfortably to her chair. Her bravado now looked a trifle misplaced.

"There dear," I said, pouring hers almost immediately. She preferred weak tea, 'maiden's water' we used to call it; mine has to be strong.

"Now dear, when you shagged all my mates they were unlikely to let their wives and girlfriends know that they had been unfaithful. But poor old Timmy, the twelfth man, has no wife. He just has a doting mother, you probably know her, Rachel Roberts. Her husband died in Iraq and she only has Timmy to keep her going." I paused to pour my own cup.

I stirred it until Brenda could take no more.

"Stop it Percy, what has Rachel Roberts got to do with us?"

"So dear, as you can imagine, while the experienced guys kept their affairs with you secret from their partners, Timmy just had to share the good news with his Mum." I peered over my cup as I slurped noisily. Brenda didn't rise to this annoyance; she was busy digesting what I had just said.

I continued, "Rachel phoned me and asked me to drop in. She told me about your little adventures into whoredom." Brenda winced at the term but stayed quiet. "Rachel didn't care so much about the other men but she was very upset that you had stolen something from Timmy that he should have kept for his girlfriend. Naturally I had to comfort her. You know, help her get over this traumatic time?"

Brenda's mouth dropped open. She closed it but it dropped again. Eventually she said "You didn't, you couldn't. Percy did you . .?"

"Did I what dear?" Slurp, slurp.

"Did you do what I did?"

"I think I catch your drift there Brenda but no, I didn't fuck her." Brenda's hunched shoulders relaxed dramatically. "No dear, I made long, luxurious love to her."

Brenda's head dropped to the table scattering her teacup and saucer. She sobbed. I waited. When she was quieter I resumed.

"We made love all afternoon. Rachel is an exquisite lover; slim and fit and so appreciative of all the little things that make it so special. I won't go into detail, maybe you can remember the way we used to be. Rachel hasn't had sex for ages, even longer than my personal drought!"

Brenda peered back at me from tear-soaked eyes, "So are we quits then Percy, is that it?"

"Well dear, that only took care of the twelfth man, didn't it?"

She gasped as she realised what that could mean.

I nodded. "So dear, what do you think? It's in my boring nature to set the books straight isn't it?"

"Oh God, no Percy, you couldn't do them all!"

"Why not dear? Doesn't the old adage advise 'What's good for the goose is good for the gander'? Well this old gander, encouraged by the gorgeous Rachel, bravely took on the task."

Rachel was superb, she called each wife in turn, explained what you had done and asked if they wanted to take part in the payback. Guess what dear? One hundred percent agreement without any problem. Just like you I suppose."

Brenda's large breasts quivered as she sobbed uncontrollably. "No, no, no. What have I done?" She wailed. "Oh Percy, why did I listen to Millie?"

"Listening is one thing my dear, believing is quite another. Shall I carry on with my story?" She nodded without enthusiasm.

"Rachel managed all the coordination. There were various aspects to take into account as you can imagine – periods, appointments, collecting kids from school and so on. Rachel made a spreadsheet and sorted out all the dates and times. I took a couple of weeks off work and drove to Rachel's each morning; you thought I was going to the office. I had delightful daytime loving with one wife every day. On the evenings when you were out dealing retribution with my team mates in the cricket pavilion I was home with their wives giving them a proper loving. I made sure that each had an experience to treasure. They were all wonderful, grateful for the opportunity to avenge your screwing their husbands and very appreciative of my loving attention to their needs."

"Oh my God. I'm so sorry Percy. What an idiot I've been."

"Yes dear. Shall we go and pack your things?"