Twenty Minutes Ch. 01

When we were sitting at the kitchen table with our sandwiches Angie murmured, "Alex, I am so sorry ... I just don't know what to say to you. I feel so ashamed..."

"Angie," I replied. "How did it feel for the last ten days, thinking that I'd cheated on you with Christina?"

Looking straight at me she said, "it felt awful--horrible. I was the most hurt and angry I have ever been in my life. It brought up all my insecurities—all the feelings I have ever had about whether you really love me, whether I'm smart enough or fun enough, whether I'm enough for you ... you know, in bed.

"I kept seeing you, kissing her ... having wild sex with her, hotter than we've ever had. I kept imagining you playing with those big tits of hers. I saw the two of you screwing, smiling at each other, laughing at me, the fool of a wife who doesn't know what's going on behind her back!"

"Well, Angie, that's exactly how I've been feeling too. Except that as you know I didn't really cheat on you—you cheated on me. You can forget those feelings now, but I have to live with mine."

Without meaning to, I had started to raise my voice.

"And, I might add—you knew about my so-called affair because I confessed it to you, while apologizing and telling you how much I loved you. I found out about yours because you were fucking someone else in our house, in our bed, for me to hear as I came home from work!

"Is there something about our marriage vows that I didn't understand? Did the minister mention that the 'forsaking all others' part was optional? Or did you just decide that fidelity wasn't all that important?"

I realized I was shouting, and that Angie was cringing from me, sobbing. I stopped abruptly, got out of my chair, and paced around the kitchen, trying to calm my suddenly immense anger.

I paced for several minutes without either of us saying a word.

Then I couldn't help it, I started up again, though keeping my voice quiet.

"It was such a fucking stupid, thoughtless, selfish thing to do, Angie. Do you know how much I've loved you? Being with you has made me as happy as I've ever been! I was looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you!

"If there was something ... missing, something lacking in your life, you could have come to me, talked to me. If I don't satisfy you, as a husband or a lover, don't you think I would have tried to give you whatever you needed?"

"Stop, Alex!" Angie cried, jumping out of her chair.

"I deserve everything you've said to me, but not that! You DO satisfy me. I've never been happier in my life than with you either. You are the best husband I could ever imagine! And I love how you make love to me.

"This didn't happen because of anything you did or didn't do. It happened because I am stupid and selfish, just like you said. I was like a kid who has plenty of money, but steals a candy bar from the drugstore just for the thrill of it.

"You figure you'll never get caught, it'll just be a little thrill."

I broke in. "Do you think that Connie's affair with Henry has anything to do with this?"

She looked at me, shocked. "You know about that?" I just nodded.

After a minute she said, "yes, I think it did. Connie went on and on to me about how hot it was, illicit sex with her lover. And then she ended it, and Brad never knew, and their marriage is better than ever. She told me," blushing a little, "that it really perked up their sex life."

"And so you thought you'd like a bit of that yourself?" I asked, more calmly.

She looked at the floor. "Yes, I guess so. I mean I'd never even thought about an affair before, beyond the idle fantasy, you know, about Brad Pitt or something. But what Connie did ... made it seem more possible."

I went back and sat down, waiting, and finally Angie told me the story she'd begun the night before. Tommy was in her tennis class, they'd gone out for drinks with the group every week. One night it was just the two of them, and he'd come onto her.

"I didn't give in then—but I didn't firmly close the door either, Alex. It must have been because I was thinking about Connie.

"And I was just so fucking Stupid, I was sure I could do it like she did, and you'd never know."

"What is it like with him?" I was quiet, but I wasn't going to let her get away without telling me.

"WAS, Alex, not is. It's over with Tommy. I called him and ended it, the day ... the day you found out."

"OK," I persisted, "what was it like with him then?"

She avoided my eyes. "We got together six times. It was exciting, because it was someone new after eight years, and I knew it was wrong. He's only 24, and he was ... really eager.

"He's not tender like you are Alex, and he doesn't love me. I didn't feel wonderfully safe and loved, the way I do with you. It was energetic, and fast, and a little clumsy.

"I'm trying so hard to tell you the truth now, now that it's too late!" She gave me a rueful smile. "Sex with him was exciting, but there's no way I would have wanted a steady diet of it.

"But I got to have your tenderness and gentleness too."

I burst out again. "Plus the pleasure of putting one over on me, right? That delicious feeling of 'guess what I'm doing, and you don't know about it'?

"You remember what Connie said to me the other night, when you both thought I'd had the affair? 'You would always have felt a little bit of scorn for her, knowing that you'd had this hot thing going on behind her back, and her too blind to notice.'

"Well, isn't it true? Weren't there some condescending feelings, my dear wife?"

She looked down, silently, and I continued my attack. "Tell me, which was more fun? Thinking about Tommy while you were fucking me, or thinking about me while you were fucking Tommy?"

I wasn't quite shouting, but my voice was loud and cold, and I'm sure my angry face was terrifying. Angie was cowering away from me, as far on the other side of the kitchen as she could get.

Seeing her frightened face drained the rage out of me all at once. I was left feeling exhausted, and terribly sad.

Neither of us spoke for several minutes. The only sound in the room was that of each of us breathing, both gradually calming down.

"Angie, if nothing else good has happened in the past ten days, at least my lie about Christina Blodgett has forced you to see my side—to feel what it's like when the person you love fucks around behind your back.

"I don't know what to do now—I haven't the foggiest idea. I love you very much, but I'm furious and hurt and I don't know how I can ever trust you again. Or how I can ever make love to you again.

"Why don't you make up your mind what you would do if I were the one who was caught in an affair. When you've thought about it, let me know and we can talk again. I don't see how we can get any further today."

And I headed for the door. I heard her cry, "Alex, please, wait!" But when I turned back, she just sighed.

"No. It's all right. I'll do what you've asked me to. But Alex—do you want to come home? I mean, you could ask me to leave, it seems only fair."

"No, Angie. I don't want to be in this house much anymore. Certainly not in our bed, and not in the guest room either, knowing why I'm there. I'll stay in the Holiday Inn for now. If I need to, I'll find an apartment."

I heard her start to cry again softly as I left.