tagNon-EroticTwo Pounds of Salami & a Hotdog Bun

Two Pounds of Salami & a Hotdog Bun


WXYZ television station in New York has the opportunity for the first interview of Tad Woodcock since he became a millionaire with his amazing new penis pump that works on a man while he drives his car bys simply plugging it in to the cigarette lighter. They sent their finest reporter to do the interview – Cynthia Galore. With her flowing brown hair in curls to her waist and her bright blue eyes, she's obviously the sexiest 5'8", 120 pound woman in New York with an amazingly perky 36C chest. Every inch of her screams sex. They have decided to make it a casual dinner interview in a very classy restaurant downtown New York.

"I am THE SHIT! I'm extremely wealthy, handsome, very good in bed, and I must say that I haven't been able to get Cynthia out of my mind since I talked to her on the phone last week, " Tad said to himself as he tightened his necktie in the mirror. "After dinner tonight, Cynthia will be naked and fucking me like there's no tomorrow…right here in this very room, wait...wait, on the counter top! All I have to do is pay for a fancy dinner, give her lots of compliments, blah blah blah, and I'm in like flint!" He put his suit jacket on, made a final adjustment to his hair, rushed out the front door locking it behind him, and he stepped out to his car. "Shit! I forgot my pump!" He cursed once he was halfway to his car. "Good thing I have a spare under the front seat!"

Once to his 1979 Pinto with the spare tire on the right front, Tad kicked the car door once, his foot cleanly going through the badly rusted door. " Awwww Horseshit!" he yelled while pulling his foot from the hole in the door. He then ever so carefully put his right foot on the side of the car next to the door crack, and yanked on the door handle a few times before the car door finally opened. "Works every time," he mumbled as he sat down. He slammed the door shut behind him, and drove away while plugging his famous invention into the cigarette lighter. As the Pinto slowly wheezed away from the stately manor trailing thick, blue smoke, Tad smiled at himself in the cracked rear view mirror. He had no idea what he was in for this evening.

At the same time as Tad was preparing himself, Cynthia was in her apartment preparing herself as well for the interview date. She ran around the room in her bra and skirt trying to remember where she left her shirt after she ironed it. After remembering that she left it hanging in the closet…where it belonged, she put it on and buttoned it up, then tucked it in, and finally unbuttoning two more of the top buttons. "He needs a little cleavage show. I always get more out of men with it anyhow," she prided herself as she slipped on her black heels and began toward the door. While walking down the few stairs to her brand new, silver Porsche, her shoe slipped off causing her to nearly fall the rest of the way down to the sidewalk if she hadn't caught on to the metal railing on the side. "I hate when I do that! That's the third time today" she said to herself. She unlocked her Porsche with her automatic button on the key ring, sat down comfortably inside, and was on her way to meet the man she hadn't been able to stop fantasizing about since she found out he had money (and heard that he was rather large).

She started the thoroughbred of a racing engine and while waiting for it to warm up she opened the vanity mirror. While making her last necessary touch ups, she calmly leaned to one side and broke wind. It sounded much like a grizzly bear getting kneed in the groin. She opened the window, closed the mirror, and sped away hoping the stench didn't linger on her clothes.

She reached the restaurant and there he was waiting outside for her. She stared up and down at his 6'3", 190 pound perfectly muscular body, and couldn't help but wonder how big his cock really was. She blushed as she walked up to him knowing that he realized she was staring right at his crotch. She thought to herself that he must have been using the pump because it was like a 10-foot tall Boy Scout tent. She swore to herself that it must have been the lighting because for a split second she thought the bulge from his crotch extended to right above his left knee. They said their polite hellos to one another and she took his arm as they walked into the restaurant together. Once inside, they were promptly seated. Everyone knew Tad Woodcock, and wished nothing but to please him any way possible, and hoping for a free test of the new pump.

After making a little small talk about the weather, jobs, and little things like that, Tad though a nice romantic gesture would be to have the violinists come to their table and serenade the lovely Cynthia. He figured this would help him score some action with her later in the evening. He nodded his head very casually to the violinists, and they rushed over to the table and gathered around for the lovely couple.

During the beautiful serenade, one of the violinists unfortunately had an immediate sneeze attack interrupt their playing. He tried to repress the sneeze, but did not plan on it being so forceful. It was too late, with a half muffled sneeze a large projectile of frothing mucus burst forth from his left nostril. The huge wad shot out of his nose and onto Cynthia's salad. Tad began to turn red in the face, but it was not from embarrassment. Although the poor violinist apologized profusely, Cynthia was completely offended, and Tad lost his temper. Without saying a word, Tad swiftly jumped from his feet like a spring. He silently eyed his opponent up and down staring at the violinist until he burst forth with some verbal abuse. "You think you can treat my lady like one of your disgusting whore friends?? Not on my watch Pedro! I oughta smack you in the mouth!" he said. " I am gonna smack you into the wall and make you drink my piss!," Tad proclaimed.

They began to argue in front of everyone until the manager came to settle everything down. This interference just escalated Tad's temper, and he proceeded to attack both the nose projectile violinist, and the stuck up manager. In the pursuing melee, Tad tore his jacket.

Unsurprisingly he and Cynthia were kicked out. As they exited the doorway, Tad turned to the manager and said to him, "Fuck you man! This place eats it! It's Shitty! Shitty and Fucked up!" With his thoughts out in the open Tad proceeded to pull down his pants and moon the manager. Cynthia was utterly disgusted at his childish behavior.

"You have got to be shitting me," she mumbled under her breath. So the two walked in the rain out to the parking lot, and Tad apologized for his behavior in the restaurant, and Cynthia told him just to forget about the awful incident, and that they could just grab a bite to eat somewhere and take it back to one of their places and finish the interview there. They agreed it would be at Tad's place, so as they headed out to where their cars had been parked. Cynthia used her key ring button and easily unlocked her car. Just before she sat down inside, she noticed Tad was standing in an empty parking space turning in frantic circles as if he had forgotten where he parked his car.

"What's wrong with you" she asked.

"I don't know where the hell my car went to, and it's raining!"

"Well," she replied, "why don't you just ask that old man standing by the building across the lot…maybe he knows, and by the way, I told you inside that it was raining."

"No you didn't. I would have remembered if you had said it was raining!"

"Yes I did, asshole, so just ask that stupid old man, and let's get the hell out of here and out of the rain!" Tad added under his breath, "maybe I would have listened if you weren't so boring."

So Tad yelled to the old man who had to have been around 70 years old and asked if he had seen what happened to his car. The man just laughed and said," the towing company tried to tow it away because everyone thought it was an abandoned. As he started back towards Cynthia's car, he looked around and shrugged his shoulders at her to tell her there's no car.

"Well, why don't you just hop in my car, and I'll drive. I'm sick of just standing here in the rain."

"You know….I'm sick and tired of your lip tonight. I'm not going to do the interview with you because you're a bitch," he replied sharply.

"Well, you're a childish asshole, so we're even," she snapped back at him as she stepped out of her car and slammed the door shut behind her.

"I am not," he yelled at her stepping closer to her.

"Are too," she yelled back, also stepping closer. At this time they were standing nearly face-to-face less than a foot apart, both obviously fuming from the situation. They stared at each other for a few minutes until finally he reached around her waist and quickly forced her body to his, planting a big, wet kiss on her lips. Unfortunately while doing this, he caught her off guard and their noses and foreheads smashed into each other causing both of them to have a bloody nose and a big lump on their foreheads.

"Damnit. You fucking idiot! You can't even kiss me right" she screamed at him, and then quickly planted a big, wet kiss on his lips, forcing her tongue into his mouth. Tad wasn't expecting it, and suddenly gagged when her tongue shot down the back of his throat. He pulled away nearly puking from this, and walked around to the other side of her car to get it.

"Let's just get to my place, and quick," he said. He thought to himself that at least when they got to his place they could try and start this night all over.

"Just don't drip any blood on my upholstery. I just had it cleaned."

After a short ride home, and only a mere 4 near-death experiences from Cynthia's driving, the two made it to Tad's place. They went in quietly, barely saying 2 words to one another when Tad told Cynthia he'd be right back, and to make herself comfortable in the living room. He quickly left in search of a bottle of wine to lighten up the occasion a bit.

While he was out of the room, Cynthia pushed month-old pizza boxes, dirty socks, half empty pop cans, and other various unidentifiable items from the couch to try and make herself comfortable. After a few minutes, Tad returned with some cheap wine and tried to apologize for the mess, making some excuse about the cleaning lady being exported back to her homeland, although he felt her $15 a week was a very good salary. Tad poured the drinks for the two of them, and decided to make things a little more romantic by lighting up the fireplace. After starting a warm and romantic setting with the fire, making a little small talk, having a few more drinks, and asking and answering a few interview questions, Cynthia felt the wine and couldn't help but be turned on by Tad's muscular body and handsome face. She could feel herself becoming turned on by all sorts of sexual thoughts of the two of them, and decided to take things a little further. She leaned unto him and in his ear she whispered "I'm horny and want to feel you inside me before the night is over." She followed her whispered words with a a very passionate nibble on the ear.

In a matter of 10 seconds while Cynthia did this, his massive elephant-sized cock jumped to full attention, ripping right through his underwear and his pants and shot up nearly 3 feet long. He then immediately began to shake uncontrollably and shot a huge load all over covering the ceiling above them, and managing to cover the two of them in his thick, sticky man juice. His orgasm lasted more than 3 minutes, and he just continued to shoot load after load all over the place.

"Oh shit!! I'm so sorry….it's just…well…it's been a while since I've been with a real girl….I've managed a few years with just the pump….and Bambi my blowup doll….oh damn…I'm so sorry. Let me just get cleaned up and try to clean some of this up," he managed to say as he ran around frantically trying to clean the room up and then darting off to get some clothes to change into.

"There's no way it hell….no…I imagined this whole fucking night…I'm dreaming. Really...I'll just have a few more glasses, and then wake up and this will never have happened," she mumbled to herself still in shock of what happened.

In the short time Tad was gone, Cynthia had chugged down at least 3 more glasses, and had passed out on the couch. He almost felt bad for a minute, and then thought to himself 'this is my time to shine, and to have my way with her'. He ran across the room trying to take his clean pants back off. He hopped around trying to get his left leg out when he slipped on a big puddle of his spent juice, and did a face plant right into the corner of the couch, knocking himself out for the rest of the night.

Pretty much just as the night had started for Tad Woodcock and Cynthia Galore, it had also ended. Many would say that is was in what seems to be a complete Mongolian Cluster Fuck never to be repeated again.

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