U-N-I Ch. 19

Robbie's point of view.

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About three weeks later, a receptionist came to get me while I was sitting outside by the pool. She told me there had been a commotion with a security guard at the front desk because someone who wasn't on my list of visitors came to the front desk and asked to see me.

"Would you mind coming with me to tell us if you'd like to see that person?" she asked.

"Sure," I willingly agreed and followed her.

When we got to the lobby, I smiled as I recognized Sam, although not easily. He was wearing a woman's red hair wig and a security guard was standing behind him and holding both his arms.

"Sam?" I asked as I walked closer to him and looked him in the eye. "Nice wig."

"Thanks. I'd pull it off but I'm currently not allowed to move a finger." he said, trying not to laugh "Would you help me out here?"

I just looked at him for a moment, trying to understand how he had found himself in such a situation, but eventually explained to the guard who he was and told him that it was ok to release him. He hesitantly freed his arms and Sam gave a nasty look to the guard as he took off his wig.

The guard walked away, and as he did so, we heard him muttering under his breath.

"These celebrities are fucking crazy," is all we distinctly understood as he spoke a bit louder with the receptionist, I looked at Sam, shook my head and we both giggled.

"What are you doing here?" I asked him as I gave him a quick hug.

"I'm asking myself that very question right now..." he joked. "Basically, to make it short, I have to go back to London soon but I didn't want to leave without seeing you again... I made a promise to you, so," he explained.

I nodded and looked at him with a giggle,

"Why did you wear this?"

"Because...," he said as if it was obvious. "I didn't want any reporters to follow me and then publish tomorrow that I was going to rehab. Everyone would've thought I went nuts again."

"Thank you very much," I said, pursing my lips.

"No offense," he joked.

"None taken," I smiled. "but after this, I think I might go ask them if they have a room available for you. You sure know what to wear to remain anonymous," I said with a laugh.

"Well, I'm still gay, aren't I?" he laughed too.

"You should've worn a dress too while you were at it!"

"Yeah, and high heel shoes! But they would've known it was me," he joked.

"This is the first funny thing that happened since I've been here," I said to him. "so thank you for that."

"You're very welcome. I'm glad I made you laugh."

I walked back to my room with him, which was really a private suite, with sitting room, kitchenette and bedroom. Sam looked around a little and I asked him if he wanted something to drink.

"There's ice tea, diet coke, orange juice or apple juice."

"A diet coke's fine," he said. I grabbed a bottle for him and settled on a glass of ice tea for me. I took out the bottle, poured myself a glass and we sat in the armchairs.

"So, tell me, why are you here?" I asked. "You could've just given me a call."

"I was in the neighborhood," he joked with a shrug, but then explained, "I finished recording my album. I have to hand it over soon... but to tell you the truth, I'm really curious to see what we'd write together, and I don't wanna have any regrets. So, I know it's a bit soon for you... maybe... ," he said hesitantly.

I smiled and shook my head,

"It's not."

"No?" he asked enthusiastically, "Are you allowed to get out of here? Is it as hard to get out as it is to get in?" he asked jokingly.

I laughed,

"I don't know, I haven't tried getting out yet but I'm sure I can manage to escape for a few hours a day."

"That'd be great if you could," he smiled.

"It's funny that you came here today actually. I saw an old performance of you on TV last night and I thought about calling you."

"Did you?"

"Yeah, you were singing 'Stay With Me' on the Letterman Show," I answered and then exclaimed jokingly, "Have you swallowed your album?"

He laughed and then said in a whisper as he leaned in closer to me,

"Don't tell anyone, but I have!"

I lightly shook my head, smiling,

"You sounded exactly the same, how do you do that?"

"Oh, you don't exactly need auto-tune either. I just stay still, I don't run around the stage as much as you do," he joked.

"Would you like to have dinner here?" I asked him, "I'm kinda hungry," It was only 6pm but I felt my stomach growl. I was always hungry after a swim.

"Yeah, sure. So am I."

I showed him the room service menu and he chose from it. Just after telling me what he wanted, his phone buzzed.

"Sorry, I gotta get this," he said as he looked at the screen.

"That's fine," I responded.

He walked out of the room, onto the terrace outside and I ordered dinner. Then I went to my bedroom to change into a t-shirt and a pair of joggers.

When I came out, he was done talking on the phone. He was sitting on the floor beside the coffee table and he was wearing his glasses which he seldom did. I sat down next to him and he soon had me rolling on the floor with laughter as he dramatically told me the story of his 'arrest' in the lobby.

"She was like," he explained, "we can't tell you who's staying with us, but if you give me your name, I can check to see if you are on the list. So I did give her my name and told her you weren't expecting me though. And then this other guy went like,

''You're Sam Smith?''

"He didn't believe you?" I asked with a laugh because it was obvious from his tone of voice.

"No!" he exclaimed, "That's when I realized I was still wearing my sunglasses so I took them off but it obviously wasn't enough."

"They must've thought you were an absolute nutcase pretending to be Sam Smith!" I laughed.

"Yeah, they must have. She went like 'Sir, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave'," he said in a fake threatening tone, "and the guard started walking up to me. I was about to remove the wig but he grabbed my arms to force me to leave... so I was like, no, wait wait, this is just a disguise, I really am Sam Smith! Go ask him, he knows me."

By this point, we were both laughing our asses off.

"Oh shit," I said as I dried my eyes and tried to regain my composure.

We kept talking about it and our dinner was delivered a few minutes later, I walked back over to the coffee table after the server had left and we began eating while still sitting on the floor.

"So, seriously," he asked after a short while, "how's this place working out for you? Have they concluded that you were nuts or is there still hope for you?"

"It seems I can still be saved," I joked, then added more seriously, "It's been good. I think it's everything I needed it to be," I admitted.

"I'm happy to hear that. You look well rested," he said, watching me.

"I am," I said.

"Have you been working out?" he said flirtatiously.

"Are you flirting with me?" I looked at him with a smirk.

"Nah. Don't get your hopes up. I've started seeing someone."

"Ouch." I complained, narrowing my eyes.

"Yeah that's right. I'm rejecting you," he nodded with a smile, "I bet that's never happened to you before."

I gave a slight shrug,

"I did get dumped by my own boyfriend, so..."

He hissed,

"Sorry. He didn't exactly dump you, though!" he said sympathetically.

I agreed and asked him with curiosity,

"Who's the lucky guy?"

"Have you watched '13 Reasons Why'?" he asked.

"Yeah. I watched the first three episodes I think, to see what the buzz was about."

"He plays Justin. Brandon Flynn."

"Oh yeah," I smiled, putting a face on the name, "he's cute."

"Yeah, he's lovely," he smiled back, looking pretty love struck already, "I think it might turn into something serious."

"That's great, I'm happy for you. I didn't know he was gay."

"He just came out on Instagram... sort of."

"Do we all do that now?" I said jokingly and he chuckled.

"We met a few weeks ago... and I decided to call him back. It's time I start looking for love! I'm so tired of being in relationship that can never go anywhere because of my job. I want what you have. I'd give anything to have someone who looks at me the way you guys look at each other."

I smiled almost self-consciously.

"I want a real relationship; with someone I can trust and who I can be seen in public with."

"Yeah, I understand. It's important to have that, someone to support you."

He nodded,

"You're lucky. You didn't have to find a boyfriend who understands your job and who's not gonna dump you, or cheat on you, because you're going on tour and you can't be with them, or whatever other reason they always seem to find."

"Yeah, that's true. We never had to go through the whole dating process," I said, knowing that I was indeed pretty damn lucky in the love department, "Must be hard to trust someone."

He nodded and I added,

"I don't really trust anyone anymore except my closest friends. So many people want to befriend you for all the wrong reasons."

"Yeah, it's complicated. Now, if I start dating someone, I want to make sure it's really serious before I let the fans know who I'm with. I want someone who's right for me. I've been disappointed too many times."

''So, you're done with one-night stands?" I joked.

"I hope so," he chuckled, "I get emotionally attached too easily," he smiled, "I wanna sign off this part of my life where I keep giving myself to guys who are never gonna love me back."

I pursed my lips, because I was one of those guys.

"Have you talked to Mark?" he asked me hesitantly.

"Yeah, we talked on the phone once, when I got here," I replied with a nod, "But we haven't call each other since. I mean, talking to each other just makes it so much harder to be apart... but I know what he's up to, he knows what I'm up to...and we've texted each other. I know we're gonna be ok," I said with a tight smile.

"Did you tell him...," he asked cautiously.

I shook my head,

"No. I didn't want to tell him over the phone," I breathed apprehensively, "and he didn't either. I think we may have both messed up a little," I shrugged and shook my head, "I don't know, we didn't wanna go into any details. We're gonna need to work things out together."

He nodded in an understanding way.

"But for now, there's still some stuff I need to work on before we can see each other again. I want to finish what I've started -- and he wants me to as well."

"Well, if you need me to talk to him, I'm totally ok with that," he offered.

"No, it shouldn't come to that."

He eyed me suspiciously,

"Overly confident, aren't we?"

"No, but I know him. He won't overreact... But still," I began saying, mad at myself, "I cheated on him and I feel really shitty about it," I sighed heavily.

"Fuck. I'd hate to be responsible for making things worse. I'm really sorry," he said apologetically again.

"Stop, you didn't do anything wrong," I reassured him, "I'm the one who messed up," I said, "I really hate myself sometimes. I never wanted to hurt him," I said sadly, "but I keep putting myself in situations that are detrimental to our relationship."

Sam tilted his head slightly,

"Don't be too hard on yourself. No one's perfect, shit happens," he said kindly, "And just so you know, I don't usually do that now, but you're a bit hard to resist."

We remained silent for a short moment and ate, until he asked,

"So, tell me about this place?"

I told him about all the different things I had been doing, the therapists I had talked to and how I felt that I was starting to take control of my own life again.

"I realize now that having the kind of success we had, just barely out of adolescence, I kinda missed the chance to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. It was all decided for me in a way... and as much as I wanted it, there was no escape from it. And having to deal with being gay on top of that, and then with the fame... Kind of does stuff to you, you know?"

"Yeah, it does. Although, I was thinking, in retrospect, you did a lot better than me! It took you three albums before you started to lose your mind. I lost mine right after the first one!"

I chuckled and nodded proudly,

"That's just because I had Mark. He kept me grounded...until even he wasn't enough. We've always thought from the start that as long as we had each other, we'd be fine, but damn," I said as I shook my head slightly.

"Yeah," he nodded, "that's how tough it is. You know, I took a very long break between my albums because I was so confused. It's so important to have time away from this job. To just enjoy your life, to do boring stuff, to be with your family and friends, like any other people our age. Now, to be honest, I don't think that I want to take such a long break again. Because I'm twenty-five and I want to just release music right now... but I think it's important that the media and the fans understand that we need that time."

"Yeah, I think we're gonna have to hide away again for a few months and just work in the studio without doing anything else. That's what we did when we wrote our third album and it was so much better -- and healthier."

He nodded,

"Have you ever felt like, maybe this job isn't for me since you've been here?" he asked.

I thought about it,

"No, I still love it. I know I can do it. But yeah, at times, I did feel like I wanted to give it all up. That maybe I wasn't good enough to do it."

"I've felt like that too. Many times. I love music and I want it to be always about music, but I quickly understood that with this job, there comes other stuff. I mean, I'm so nervous to go back right now. It's gonna be mad. I don't think it's hit me at all yet."

"Yeah! You're in for a shock. People are expecting a lot from you."

"I know. Oh my god," he said, putting his hand over his mouth, "I'm so scared. I might freak out soon".

"Do you need a room here, seriously?" I suggested jokingly again.

"Maybe I should, before I do my big come back!" he exclaimed with a laugh, "No, but seriously, I'm so glad people still want to listen to my music. I'm ready for it."

"Enjoy it as much as you can! I think I'm a lot more prepared for it too, now. As much as I thought I was before, I don't think I ever really was."

"Yeah, you kinda became successful overnight, just like I did. It takes a bit of getting used to."

I agreed. "When our first album went to number one, I should've been prepared mentally to figure out how to deal with it. You should get lessons on how to be famous before you actually are famous."

"Totally," he agreed, "there should be lessons! Because it's a lot to get your head around. And not just the fame, but the travelling and the sleep deprivation when you're touring and promoting..."

"It's probably the hardest part," I agreed.

"But that's what they're helping you with in here, aren't they?"

"Yeah. I think I finally figured out for myself how I want to live my life, despite the fact that I'm famous and that I have this job, you know. I have to stop using that as an excuse not to go forward. I can't change the past, so I have to make sure I don't ruin the future."

"Sounds like you have it all figured out," he said with a smile.

"I'm getting there," I replied with a nod, "I refuse to become one of those people who is just never happy. It's just so lame. Oh, and I've stopped drinking completely. I'm not saying that I'm an alcoholic or anything, but I realized I wasn't just drinking for a slight buzz anymore and that's what was making me unhappy when I really didn't have any reasons to be. I have a great life, it's time to really enjoy it again."

"I'm glad you're feeling this way."

"Yeah. I feel chill and calm now. I'm starting to feel ready to do it all over again. I want to, I even miss being on stage. I find myself thinking about playing stadiums again."

He smiled,

"Oh my god, playing stadiums. I'm so hungry for this. It's my absolute dream -- Wembley stadium...," he said dreamily.

I smiled, I knew the feeling,

"You gotta do it!" I told him.

"Yeah," he agreed apprehensively, "oh my god, it scares me, but I want it so bad. But... the people have got to wanna come."

"They will, you'll get there," I said to him, I had no doubt that he would.

"I hope I will."

"It was the dream for us too... and it was absolutely amazing... and Croke Park -- Glastonbury, it was surreal."

He nodded, thinking about it,

"For me, it was when I was fifteen and I saw George Michael open Wembley Stadium, and I thought, I wanna be on that stage one day!"

"Yeah," I nodded, "for us, it was when we saw U2 in Croke Park. And we were fifteen too."

It made me think of something and I told him,

"I'm working on my voice in here. They've asked this amazing singing teacher to come and I've had a few lessons with her already."

He asked me questions and we talked for a moment about it, and then he asked,

"So, how long do they want you to stay?"

I shrugged,

"Probably two or three more weeks, maybe a month. I'm not sure, really."

He smiled at me,

"You look a lot happier."

"Yeah, I am. There's just one huge thing missing."

He looked at me keenly,

"The time you're taking now is really important. Mark knows that, or he wouldn't have made you come here."

"Yeah, I know."

He smiled,

"So, I gather you're ready to get him back."

I looked at him in the eye and nodded,"

Yeah, I'm ready as hell. Shouldn't be too hard, but yes!"

He giggled and slightly raised his eyebrows,

"Tomorrow? Can you?"

"I'm Robbie Myers, I can do whatever I want!" I joked. "And I want to do this!"

"Alright, can't wait!"

We finished eating and hung out together for a couple of hours. I showed him the notepad on which I kept scribbling lyrics and a few ideas for a song began to emerge. I had a pretty clear idea of what kind of song I wanted to write with Sam. I didn't think I wanted to write a U-N-I song with him, even though I had one in mind. I had already decided that I wouldn't use what we'd write together for the band and that I'd let him have it. I only wanted Mark to hear it, not the whole world.

I figured I had to do something special for him, some sort of big gesture! So I wanted to write and sing a song that'd let my heart and my love for him burst out of my soul. I needed him to be sure that I was, and always would be there for him, that I was grateful to have him in my life and to be a part of his.

In some way, he probably needed to be completely reassured that I still wanted him and the life we had built together. And of course, I did, more than ever... I knew for sure we could still accomplish so much together and I didn't want to ruin the amazing future we could have. There were so many reasons why I didn't want to lose him, but one of the main reasons was that, frankly, he was the only person in my life able to really challenge me, and I loved that about him...about us... We were able to challenge each other, push each other forward and work together to accomplish our dreams. I admired his strength and determination, his practicality and his rationality -- things that often contrasted with my own personality. Despite how opposites we sometimes were, we complemented each other perfectly and I was now really looking forward to see what the future held in store for us, and I knew he was too.

-----

When we'd talked on the phone, I'd been at the rehab centre for about a week.

He first texted me,

"Is it ok to call you today? I really need to talk to you"

I didn't text him back. As soon as I read his message, I returned to my room and called him.

"Hey, are you alright?" I asked when he answered his phone, somewhat worried.