U-N-I Ch. 20

Mark's point of view

"Call him and tell him exactly that! It'll be fun," Jordan said to me.

I laughed and took my phone out of my pocket with a mischievous grin.

"Put him on speaker," he asked.

"Hey... Mark -- how, how are you?" Damon stammered, insisting on my name, which made it so obvious that he was with Rachel and he was subtly trying to tell her that I was calling.

"I'm good," I responded, "still in Dublin with Jord. He's flying back home tomorrow."

"Yeah, yeah, he told me... Look, I'm sorry I didn't call you back last week. I was going to, but..."

"It's fine," I interrupted him immediately, "youwere busy, I understand. Rob told me all about it."

"Oh...," he said, somewhat confused.

"Look, Dammo, I just want you to know that you can come to France with Rachel if you want to, that's totally fine. I'd love for you to come. And if she doesn't wanna go anymore, that's fine too. Totally fine!" I exclaimed playfully.

"Uhh, no.. I.. she, well, uhh...," he muttered.

Jordan let out a giggle as he looked at me.

"Yeah, you think about it." I said to him, "Totally fine!" I exclaimed again, "I've gotta run, talk to you later..."

"Uh, ok, Mark, wait..."

"Congratulations, dude!" Jordan yelled into the phone, "When's the party? I mean, the wedding!"

"Dammit, you guys!" Damon exclaimed with a chuckle before I hung up.

Jordan let out a laugh,

"I still can't believe this," he said, "d'you reckon he's gonna go with her?"

"Yeah, I'd say he will. What else is he gonna do? I just hope that she still wants to come with me. I don't feel like going alone anymore."

"I'll go with you then," he suggested.

"No way, you're just gonna embarrass me," I joked.

"I'm the one who tracked him down!" he exclaimed.

I let out a laugh as Damon called back immediately.

"What was that about?" he asked when I answered.

"I don't know, you tell me," I said, feigning ignorance.

He didn't speak for a few seconds,

"Fine," he announced, "so, yeah, ok, I'll come with Rachel if that's ok."

"That's ok," I confirmed.

Jordan smiled and pulled his phone out of his jacket,

"Hey, that's cool. We should all go," he said as he waited for the call to connect, "now, Rob's gonna feel left out."

After a few seconds, he spoke into his phone,

"Dude, you're going to France tomorrow with Damon and Rach, start packing!" he ordered Dylan.

---------

A couple of days later, we were all soaking up the September sun on a beach in Arcachon along the Atlantic coast.

I walked out of the water shortly after Rachel had and went back to our beach towels on the sand. Rachel was already lying on her back and working on her tan. I picked up a towel and dried myself a little before sitting down on the towel next to hers.

"I think we should go the Dune of Pilat tomorrow, it looks beautiful," she said.

"Yeah, alright, how far away is it?" I asked.

"Not far at all. May be an hour's drive."

I picked up my sunglasses and put them on to better watch Damon and Dylan playing beach volleyball with a group of French guys not far from us and getting their asses kicked. I laughed when Damon jumped for the volleyball as it went over the net, missed it and fell flat on his face in the sand.

"What's funny?" Rachel asked as she lifted her head up to look at them too.

"You missed it."

"Shoot, too bad."

I kept watching them and after a short moment, I asked her,

"So...are you ever gonna talk to me about him?"

She slightly opened one eye to look at me and then lifted her head up again and looked over at Damon.

"No," she answered matter-of-factly before laying her head back down and closing her eyes again.

I giggled,

"Fine. Then I'll ask Jordan. I'm sure Damon will tell him everything," I said as I lay down on the towel too, knowing she wouldn't want me to do that.

"Ok," she responded as she sat up, "What do you wanna know?"

"I don't know. Everything," I answered, propping myself up on my elbows. "How, when... how many times?" I joked.

She gave a self-conscious laugh,

"I am not having this conversation with you."

"Oh, are you not?" I exclaimed, "You've always made me listen to every single one of your hook up stories, and now that it's Damon we're talking about, you're not gonna tell me anything, are you serious?"

"Yes. I'm serious," she said with a smile.

"Come on!" I begged.

She smiled and watched him again. After a moment, she let out a huff and turned to me,

"Mark, I have no idea what I'm doing. Seriously, I feel so confused!"

I gave a slight nod and bit my lower lip,

"I'm pretty sure I can help you figure it out ..."

"I'm trying really hard to analyze my feelings, but I can't...all I know is that," she said with a light shrug, "it just feels right."

She turned her head to look over at him again,

"He's not just some guy I can dump before it gets too serious. What if I realise that it's just not gonna work out or that I'm not in love with him?.... It scares me. I don't want it to be short-lived and fuck up our friendship."

"Why wouldn't it work out?"

"I don't know, we've only just started dating."

"Yeah," I said with a nod,

"It's not like you've known the guy for twenty years."

She chuckled.

"Come on, you've been dating for years! You just weren't having sex," I said with a laugh.

She shook her head.

"Have you had sex?" I asked playfully.

"Shut up!"

"Seriously? Nothing? You're not gonna give me anything?"

She pursed her lips and I asked playfully again,

"Was it weird? Were you disappointed?"

She threw her head back with a laugh. Then, she looked at me with a cute smile,

"No, it wasn't weird. That's the thing, I thought it'd be really weird to be with him... But it really wasn't. It isn't."

I nodded knowingly,

"Let me guess...you love the time you spend with him even more now and when you're not with him, you can't wait to be. Although when you think back to the awesome sex you two had, it kinda weirds you out and you can't really wrap your head around it...but you still wanna do it again anyway 'cause you loved every second of it."

She looked at me with a smirk,

"Is that how you felt with Rob?"

"Of course. And the fact that he was making me question my sexuality didn't make it any easier. I mean, he was a guy and he was my best friend. It was never weird or awkward when we were together but it did take me a while to come to terms with my feelings, and with being gay and all..."

"How long did it last?"

"I don't remember. Up until I told you about it, for sure... yeah, a few months. But it goes away after a while," I reassured her.

"Does it?" she asked unconvinced.

"It does. You'll stop seeing him as a friend. You'll just forget that you used to be just friends. Promise, you will. And then you won't even remember what it was like before," I said.

She nodded,

"He's great. I've always loved him, but I don't know, our relationship's always been about laughing and mucking around...and talking about our relationships. He knows everything... he knows more than you do!" she exclaimed.

"Does he? You mean, I didn't get all the juicy details? What more could you have told him?" I asked jokingly.

She giggled and gave a light shrug,

"There are a couple of guys I never talked to you about."

I looked at her in surprise,

"Why not?"

"You wouldn't have like 'em. You never like the guys I date."

"That's 'cause they're never good enough for you," I said.

She smiled,

"Yeah. So these two, you defo wouldn't have liked 'em."

"Well, I happen to like Damon."

"Me too." she said with a grin, "Honestly, I never thought I'd ever have romantic feelings for him. I see him completely differently. I've always thought he was good-looking but I didn't think of him that way.... I don't know what's happening, but I can't stop smiling!"

"Aw, that's awesome. I'm glad you finally both realized there was more than friendship to your relationship."

She pursed her lips with a nod,

"Who am I gonna talk to about my boyfriend now, if Damon's my boyfriend, huh?" she asked.

"I volunteer," I said, raising my arm, just as Jordan ran back up to us, bent over on top of her and shook his hair out with his fingers to remove the excess water.

"Oh, stop it, you dumbass!" Rachel complained with a laugh.

"What did I miss?" he asked as he sat on the sand, "From where I was standing, your conversation looked very interesting."

"You didn't miss anything. I was only telling Mark all about Damon and I having sex," she joked.

He smirked at me,

"Interesting indeed! I hope you didn't get offended when she told you that he was way better than you!"

I raised my eyebrows at him,

"That's not possible. I was the first one. I set the bar really high!"

"Yeah, now I have ridiculously high standards, thank you very much," she said.

"Is that your plan though?" Jordan asked her, "To have sex with all of your friends!"

She gasped,

"Shut up!"

"Am I next?" he winked at her flirtatiously.

She busted up laughing and threw sand at him,

"I will never - ever - have sex with you. That's a promise."

"Never say never," he teased.

"Ne-ver," she emphasized, "I'll have sex with Rob before I have sex with you!"

"I'll leave you two alone," I said and ran back toward the water.

"Don't you leave me alone with him," she yelled and ran after me, while Jordan tried to catch her.

--------

Over the next couple of days, we all took advantage of the warm weather to do a bit of sightseeing until the time came for me to meet my biological father. As promised, Rachel accompanied me.

We first met in a restaurant over lunch. I didn't know what to expect. I didn't have high expectations, that's for sure. I couldn't say that I was in desperate search of a sense of identity from a father I'd never met. As much as I resented James for making my childhood miserable and difficult, I couldn't say that I had grown up without a father figure. I wasn't trying to fill a hole, but it was nice to discover where the other half of me came from, to figure out who I really was and to meet that person whose features were so similar to mine.

I hoped meeting him would have a positive impact on my life, and even on my relationship with my mother. He wasn't mad at her. On the contrary, he was glad she hadn't shaken up his whole life by telling him about me. He helped me realize that I had to stop being so hard on my mother. She was just a twenty-five-year-old at the time who had to make the difficult decision to keep her baby no matter the consequences it would have on her marriage.

Although he was a stranger to me and I was a stranger to him, that didn't stop us from experiencing a surge of emotion when we stood face to face and from welling up a little. It was kind of awkward and intimidating at first but thankfully, there was no language barrier between us and he was an outgoing person who immediately made you feel at ease.

He invited all of us over for a barbecue a couple of days later and I met his wife and children. I discovered I had a whole other family, another half brother and sister I knew nothing about. It already felt like they were welcoming me completely into their lives. I didn't expect any of them to go out of their way to recognize that I was there, but they did and it felt really good to know we'd probably maintain some sort of relationship. We'd already made plans to see each other again.

Even though Rob wasn't there and they hadn't actually seen me with him, they had no problem accepting the fact that I was gay, contrary to my own family. Apart from Amy, they weren't exactly cool with it. My 'brother', Thomas, was only pretending to be, and my mother was unable to even pronounce the word 'gay' or 'homosexual' in front of me. She could only use the word 'different'. She'd always thought that I was 'different' she'd said. Thomas had been raised believing everything his father had taught him ... that a man had to be strong and virile, that being in touch with your feminine side was wrong, that doing anything remotely artistic was weird and pointless and that being gay was abnormal... he had grown up with all these codes around him... and in a way, I had too. However, I had also spent a lot of my time at Rob's where I could really be myself. With his parents, every hobby was encouraged, it was ok to be artistic, to talk about your feelings, to have flaws and weaknesses, it was ok to cry... As a kid, I'd honestly had no idea that I was gay, but I did feel that I was somewhat different and unable to conform to my parents' expectations. If it hadn't been for Rob's, god knows how much harder it would have been for me to come to terms with being gay.

----

After meeting my father, we stayed in France and went on a road trip along the Mediterranean coast. We spent a few days in Montpellier, Nimes and Marseille. Then, we went to Fréjus where I used to spend the summer with my family.

We had been staying in Saint Tropez for a week when Rob sent me a message on whatsapp one evening. It wasn't unusual because we'd text each other almost on a daily basis. He'd tell me about some of the stuff he was doing and I'd tell him about our trip and send him a few pictures.

"Hey, what were you up to today?"

"We ate at that 3 michelin starred restaurant la Vague d'Or I was telling you about. It was supposed to be full but they got us a table. Totally worth trying to get one. Then afternoon at the beach. You?"

"Cool. What was the menu like?"

I sent him a few pictures we had taken of the dishes.

"wow, looks beautiful."

"It was. We almost didn't dare to touch it."

" I have smth special to share with you today."

"What is it?"

"I've collaborated with Sam Smith while he was recording here in LA. We wrote a song together that will be on his new album. And he helped me write one, that I hope, will be on the record. Take a listen ;) I love you"

"Alright. I'm guessing the lyrics are meant for me?"

"Just take a listen... and take your time"

I smiled. I was surprised to read that he had gotten back into the studio. I hadn't expected him to do that. It was so comforting to know that he wanted to write music again and that he'd actually done it.

I went to pull off my headphones out of my Ipod, plugged them in my phone and made myself comfortable on the bed. Although I wasn't sure what to expect, knowing the kind of music Sam Smith was writing, I was pretty sure that the song he'd written with him was some sort of love song, and that I'd end up with tears welling up in my eyes by the end of it.

As I listened, it definitely had its intended effect on me. From the first hearing, I was overcome with emotion. His voice and the words he sang gave me goose bumps and sent chills down my spine. I listened to it again. Damn, his voice, his gorgeous voice. There was a passion in his singing that really drove the song and made it so special. I could tell this was a song with a double reading, but as I focused on the message, that he was missing me, I couldn't help but feel over emotional. I couldn't bring myself to listen to it again so I played the second song.

And, boy, did he kill me with that one. The way it made me feel was unexplainable. It was very different to the first song, which sounded very 'Sam Smith'.

This one was him, all him. It was his style, his sound -- our sound -- and it was awesome. The lyrics hit me right in the 'feels' and instantly made me cry. I couldn't stop playing it on repeat. The more I listened to it, the better it got -- which to me, was what made a track special, because when a song did that, it meant that you would never get tired of hearing it.

There was a whole new level of honesty in the lyrics. I could tell that he had challenged himself and it made me feel so hopeful for the future. I began thinking that maybe it was the direction we ought to take for our new record, use everything we had gone through in the past few months to write new songs together.

---------

A while later, Rachel walked back into my room after I'd told her to listen to the songs. I had been scrolling through the fans reaction to a picture I had just posted on Instagram of Rob and I together as kids. I had found it while going through photo albums with Amy and immediately thought that this was a picture our fans would love to see. It was also a way to tell him, publicly, that I loved the songs, that I loved him and that I wanted people to know that.

I was about to pass out into sleep when she jumped onto the bed, grabbed my arm and shook me,

"Oh my god Mark, why aren't you packing yet. Get on the fucking plane!"

I opened my eyes and rubbed them wearily.

"I loved that you shared the picture," she said, "people are absolutely loving it."

"Yeah, I know," I agreed, "so, do you think I should go?" I asked with a smile I couldn't take off my face, already knowing the answer.

She stared at me with a grin,

"Of course. He did what he had to do, he went to rehab. And with these songs, he's proven to you that he's back to his normal self. He's writing music.... he's ready to take things seriously and go after your dreams and goals again. What more does he have to do? And gosh, those lyrics; they're so heartfelt and beautiful. I'm jealous, just go," she said with a giggle.

I certainly didn't need much convincing. I had already decided to go and I was elated at the thought of being with him again sooner than we had intended. It was making my whole body tingle with anticipation.

"I want to, but he still has to stay for a couple more weeks."

"So what? You're allowed to stay there with him, surprise him!"

"You don't mind?" I said, knowing she'd say no, though I still felt like I needed to ask because it meant cutting the vacation short. We had planned on staying a bit longer and leaving for Monaco a couple of days later.

"Get on the plane!" she yelled enthusiastically.

I laughed.

"Alright, alright, you don't need to yell," I joked.

-----------

When I told Jordan and Dylan that I wanted to leave in the morning to go to L.A, they obviously had no objection. They all chose to stay in France and finish the road trip without me so I got on a flight to Paris and from there, took a direct flight to Los Angeles on the following day.

I would normally sleep pretty easily on flights to pass time, but on this one, I couldn't. I was too excited, so when I landed in LAX around noon, I already felt jetlagged .... It really was the worst part of traveling but being an experience traveler now, I knew what to do to avoid messing up my body clock. Thankfully, I had been traveling west, which made it easier to get over the jetlag. Traveling east would always hit me a lot harder.

As eager as I was to see Rob, I first checked into a hotel not far from the center in Malibu to recuperate a little.

I took a short nap, then I showered to wash off the flight grime and force myself to wake up and take a stroll outside. Going out and exploring would always give that second wind I needed to get through a really tiring day. Then I had something to eat and went to "Promises" in the evening.

---------

I stood in the middle of his room, alone. I resisted the temptation to look around too much but seeing all of his stuff gave me an instant feeling of comfort. Everything was familiar and I was immediately at ease in the room.

I sat on the couch, having no idea how long I'd have to wait. The lady who had let me in had said that she'd make sure he'd have to go back to his room soon so I knew it wouldn't be too long. I could tell from the smile on her face that she knew who I was, why I was here, and she wanted to help.