Ugly Pt. 01: Now What

About a year after the birth of our son, my wife pretty much lost all interest in having sex. So, when the lack of sex, and the fights that caused, got to a certain point, I turned cold and only talked to my wife if I had to. Of course, since women thrive on romance, my becoming cold had an immediate impact. And when she confronted me about it, rather than get into another emotional argument, I decided to take emotion out of my response by writing her a message that explained why I was acting the way I was. And how her refusal to change or even discuss what was really wrong, made my actions totally understandable.

After I sent the message explaining why I'd turned cold towards her, my wife didn't say anything for a while. Oh, when I sent it, she did react to what it said, hoping that it didn't mean I was planning on divorcing her. Not for her sake though, she was more concerned with how everything would affect our kids. But, she didn't argue with any of the reasons I gave, more or less admitting that I had sufficient cause for my reactions. Then again, we'd been fighting about this subject for years and the facts were all as plain as day. It was because of her lack of desire that we'd only averaged sex twice a month for the last 8 years. And it was her constant lies and broken promises about how our sex life would get better that had brought us to this point. So, it's not like she had a lot of room to argue. The question now wasn't whose fault it was, it was what to do now that we'd reached this point. And I didn't have any answers.

Obviously, if we kept on going just the way we were, things would completely fall apart. Women live on attention and affection, and unless there was a drastic change in the things she did, my wife wasn't getting any from me. True, she'd get a lot of that from our kids, so maybe she could keep living like this. On the other hand, the only way of satisfying my sexual needs was masturbation, and after 8 years of it, it wasn't too effective anymore. Obviously I'd have to start getting sex from somewhere else, since I definitely wasn't getting it at home. But how was I going to do it in a way that wouldn't completely destroy what was left of our marriage. And more importantly, how was I going to keep whatever I did from affecting the kids.

Seeing a prostitute was out of the question, and not because I was against paying for sex. Even in the best of relationships, you still paid for sex one way or another. And, sex in a marriage was the most expensive sex there was, because of how much it costs to keep a wife happy. No, my main objection was to the cold emotionless sex you got from a prostitute. For them it was just a business transaction, and the only thing they were concerned with was getting it over as soon as possible. If sex was only a physical act to me, like it was for some people, then that would be an option. To me though, sex was more emotional than physical, and sex without feelings was impossible for me. Then there was the disease risk, especially since using protection ruined the romantic nature in my eyes. Plus, the types of sex I enjoyed, particularly eating pussy, weren't things you'd want to do with a prostitute. And finally, the prostitutes in this country were of very low quality. I'd rather go without sex completely than fuck a fat or ugly woman, and that's all that was available as prostitutes here.

That left my wife getting desperate enough for affection that she did something to fix her problem, or me finding some kind of girlfriend or mistress. My wife had only asked what would happen to the kids, not what she could do to fix things. So, it was obvious to me that she had no intention of even trying to make our sex life better. That left the girlfriend or mistress as the only available options. I list those as separate options because in my mind the words have different meanings. A girlfriend is someone you plan a future with, such as eventual marriage. Since I didn't plan on getting divorced, at least not any time soon, a girlfriend wasn't the preferred option. Besides, a girlfriend expects you to love them more than you love anyone else. Even with our problem, I still loved my wife, so a girlfriend was not what I wanted.

That left getting a mistress as the only choice I had left. Yes, I'm aware of the fact that a mistress is kind of like a prostitute. You pay them with gifts and sometimes even direct financial support. But there are several important differences that keep you from looking at it that way. For example, there's no payment every time you have sex, it's more of a monthly lease type thing. And, there are no additional fees if you want something special. On the other hand, like with a wife or girlfriend, there's no guarantee that she'll do what you want her to do either. Plus, a mistress is generally exclusive, meaning you're the only person she has sex with. True, some men don't require their mistress to remain faithful, and this can save money if she is also a mistress to other men. But most of the time they are only with one man, on the hopes of changing status to girlfriend or even wife eventually.

And, that is the real difference between a mistress and a prostitute. You could call a mistress a girlfriend that knows you're married and that you may never marry them. They care about you, and most of them want to take the place of your wife. The gifts and the financial support are compensation for you not giving them that status. And in some cases, you are a way for them to make ends meet while they are looking for their own permanent solution. That was actually the kind I wanted to find, because I wasn't looking to replace my wife. Well, replace her in the sex department, but not replace her in the legal and physical sense. Just a girl who would take care of my sexual needs, without attaching any long term strings to me.

In case you're wondering why I haven't mentioned finding some type of swinger from the adult sites, there's a reason. The women who place ads on those sites are usually looking for things that I'm not. Both attempts I've made to engage in sex in front of another man have been dismal failures. So, being the extra man in a threesome wouldn't work out very well. Also, I'm not young, and I'm not hung like a horse, so the women looking for that wouldn't accept me. I'm in good shape for someone my age, and I go to the gym three times a week, but I'm not an Arnold. And, while I'm above average in size, I wouldn't meet the criteria for women who love big cocks. I'm also not aggressive enough for women who want to show off their submissive sides. That only left the women who advertised there in the hopes of trading sex for a possible long term relationship. And that's the same thing as a mistress or girlfriend, so there's no reason to list them separately. As a matter of fact, it was my intention to use those sites as part of my search efforts. I just wouldn't use them for finding what would normally be called swingers.

So, what was I hoping to find on those sites, or anywhere else I looked? Well, let's start with a physical description of what type of woman I'm generally attracted to. I'm not attracted to overweight women, my tastes run more to slender types, bordering almost on skinny. I don't like large breasts; I'm a firm believer in more than a mouthful being a waste. And, the smaller and tighter the ass, the more I like it. As for height, I'd be uncomfortable with anyone taller than me, though I'm not against them being quite a bit shorter. And, while they don't need to be classically beautiful, they need to be at least cute. Asian women would be a good example of the type I'm most attracted to, as would almost any petite woman. Not that I'd turn down a bikini model, it just wasn't necessary for them to be that way. I'd be perfectly happy with one of the small ass and small breasted women that most men don't seem to be attracted to.

What would I want from them sexually? Nothing that would be considered strange by today's standards. Normal intercourse, some anal sex, and lots of oral sex just about covers my list. I'm very oral myself, and have no problem licking any of a girl's holes before, during, or after sex. As a matter of fact, eating pussy is my favorite sexual activity, even during that time of the month. The girl I found would have to be as openly oral as I am, with the same lack of limits. But the most important thing to me is that the girl prefer romantic lovemaking. As I said earlier, I'm not the aggressive type even though I'm not submissive either. I just enjoy making love slowly and softly, with lots of touching and kissing. I can fuck hard and fast from time to time, if the girl really wants it. But my preferred method is actually making romantic love, which is probably why I need some emotional attachment to the person I'm having sex with.

That last requirement is what would make finding a girl extremely difficult. Oh, finding a girl who liked making romantic love might be easy. But finding one who wanted emotional attachment, but didn't want a commitment of some kind, would be almost impossible. The only possibility was someone in a similar situation to mine. That is, someone who had an almost nonexistent sex life and who also wouldn't divorce because of their kids. In other words, a married woman who was only interested in a discreet relationship, to get the attention she wasn't getting at home. Finding a woman like that in the US wasn't too much of a problem. Finding one here though was a totally different subject because the consequences for cheating women here are a lot worse than they are there. Even those who did so with their husband's knowledge ran the risk of other relatives taking physical action against them. Those willing to take that risk with no form of commitment would be rare indeed.

I had no such need to hide what I was planning to do, and to be honest, I really didn't want to. I wanted my wife to know that I was having sex with someone else. Not out of a sense of cruelty, or as a way of punishing her for having forced me into this position. It was so I wouldn't have to lie about where I was going and what I was doing. And it was so I wouldn't have to explain any lingering perfume or traces of my having had sex. She'd already made it clear that she wasn't willing to do anything to fix her problem. And, she'd pretty much said that our part of the marriage was over but she wanted us to stay married for our kids. She had to know that I would do something to take care of my sexual needs, since she wouldn't. She'd even told me several times that I should go get laid, when she felt I was acting like an asshole. To me that meant she knew why I had a short fuse lately, and knew that sex would get rid of some of that. And, she was admitting that she wasn't going to help in that department by suggesting that I get that sex elsewhere. So, why shouldn't I do it openly instead of sneaking around to do it? As for the revenge angle, I do have to admit to a certain thrill thinking about fucking the girl right in front of her. But, I honestly didn't intend on doing that, just on making sure she knew what I was doing and why.

I started out by taking some pictures of myself, both completely naked with a hard on, and wearing my bathing suit. I needed both types because one of the sites didn't allow fully naked pictures. Kind of funny, seeing as it was a sex site not a dating site. Still, it was also the site that had the most girls listed in the local area, so if I wanted to use it I had to play by their rules. I used my wife's camera when she was sleeping, setting it on a tripod and using the timer. I could have asked her to take the pictures, but that would have been pushing it a little too far I think. They didn't come out too bad, and with a little editing so I wouldn't be recognized, they were ready to go. I just had to hope my body was acceptable to some of the girls, since as I said, I'm not an Arnold with muscles everywhere. Still, I'm in good shape for someone my age, and I'm better than half the guys 20 years younger.

The pictures were important, so the girls would know I wasn't some fat ugly slob. But they weren't as important as the words I used for my profile. I had to make what I wanted clear, as well as what I didn't want. And, I had to do it with a minimum of words because women wouldn't want to read a whole book to know if they were interested. It also had to be something that would catch their eye and fuel their imagination. Every guy on these sites was looking for sex, and they all talked about how great they were. Mine had to be different enough to attract their attention, without promising something I couldn't deliver. That was the secret to getting responses on these sites if you were a man. Decent looking men with well written profiles got more responses than handsome men whose profiles weren't interesting. For men, a woman's looks and body were the most important things. But for women, a man's personality and the way he presented himself were a lot more important. I went with something straight to the point and hopefully different enough to get some attention. The text of what I wrote is as follows.

Are you getting what you want at home? Neither am I. So why not get together and give each other what we need? I don't need to sneak around, since my wife is not interested in sex for pleasure and insists I look for it elsewhere. However, if you need to be discreet, I can be discreet as well. If you want a quick fuck, or wild and crazy sex, you're looking at the wrong person. I only offer long romantic foreplay, followed by long romantic love making, including lots of oral sex. If this is what you're missing in your life, and are willing to give the same, contact me. Adana area only please.

That was it, except for the same thing again in Turkish for those who couldn't understand the English version. It wasn't poetry, and I doubt any ad agencies would be in a rush to hire me, but I think it got the point across without being too long. It said I was married and not looking for a divorce, and that my wife not only knew what I was doing, she had suggested that I do it this way. And, it pointed out more or less what I was looking for and what I was offering. Still, because of my age and the fact that I wasn't looking for a long term relationship, I didn't think I'd get a lot of responses. Then again, even one would be enough, as long as the girl had at least acceptable looks.

It was a good thing I didn't set my hopes too high, because the results were discouraging to say the least. After a week, I'd only had about half a dozen people that had looked at my profile. And, I had only one wink and one message, both from the same person. That would still be good, if it wasn't for what that one person was offering. She went straight to the point right away, suggesting that I divorce my wife and marry her, so I could take her to America. No picture, no data on her profile, and not even any mention of what she had to offer me. Just the obvious, that all she really cared about was that I was an American and could be her ticket out of Turkey. And as expected, when I replied that I wasn't looking to replace my wife, I never heard from her again. By the way, I hadn't written that I was American when I wrote my profile. But, one look at my pictures, even with the bar covering my eyes, and it was plain to see I wasn't Turkish. Put that with being in Adana, and maybe with my perfect English and not so perfect Turkish, and it would be easy to guess I was American. So, I would probably get similar responses in the future, people who just wanted to marry an American.

Like I said, my first week results weren't very good, and that didn't bode well for my future results. But, it's usually men or desperate women who check these sites on a daily basis. The ones who are not in a hurry, or who liked to think carefully about who they would contact, wouldn't necessarily respond right away. And, some of them wouldn't respond unless I sent them a wink or at least looked at their profiles first. As a matter of fact, most of them probably only looked at who had been checking them out, not at the whole list. Just looking at their pictures, which was all I'd done so far, didn't register as having looked at their profile. Only opening up their whole page, to read the details, did that. And if I found some that struck me as possible candidates, sending them a wink wouldn't hurt. In the meantime, I'd have to start looking elsewhere, not just on these web sites. The web sites were easier, because only people who were interested in being contacted posted there. But that didn't mean I shouldn't also try the old fashioned way of going out and meeting people face to face. And, I made it clear to my wife that I was going to start going out with my friend again. And while I didn't say it was to look for women, I'm sure she suspected it was.

Although I didn't get any new responses the second week, two other things happened that I need to mention. One was that my wife got her first real evidence of what I was trying to do. I usually waited until she was in bed asleep before I checked on the web sites. Not because I was hiding it, but because she and our kids went to bed at the same time and I didn't want them to see it. So, when she walked in while I was checking out the girls on one of them, I just kept on with what I was doing. She recognized the site, because we'd used it during our short try at swinging. And, she commented about it, rather rudely, asking if I was looking for sluts to fuck. When I said that yes, it was more or less what I was doing, she came back with how she'd always known I'd cheat on her eventually. My answer to that was that it wasn't cheating, because I wasn't hiding what I was doing. And, I sure wasn't going to spend the rest of my life without sex, especially not after all her lies. So, it was either me finding some slut to fuck, or us getting a divorce, the choice was hers. Her response was to tell me to go fuck myself, and then she stormed out of the room. I knew this was only the beginning of the fights we'd have, but maybe this dose of reality might do some good, who knows?

The other thing that happened, came from somewhere I never expected it to. One of the American girls at work made a comment while we were both smoking, about how she'd thought I was happy with my wife. When I asked what she was talking about, she said she'd seen what I'd written on one of the sites, and was surprised. She'd thought that with me having such a young wife, it would be me who couldn't keep up sexually, not her. I played innocent, asking her what made her think I'd be posting things on a sex site. Remember, I'd put a big black bar across my eyes to make me unrecognizable. She said she knew it was me, because she could see the scar on my arm. That, and a few other things, like my listed age, told her it was definitely me, even without being able to see my whole face. I started to say something, I'm not sure what, but she stopped me. She said she was just curious right now, and checking out the sites, not looking for anything. But, what she saw wasn't half bad, so if she was ever in the market, she might be interested. That was the end of that conversation, but not the end of that story. More on that another time.

It wasn't until the third week that I got a real response on any of the sites. I'd also gone out a couple of times, but they hadn't led to anything since all the girls I met were too interested in marriage. Anyway, I got a message from a girl who called herself Senem, a Turkish name I hadn't heard before. She said she liked what I had written, and liked my pictures, but wanted to know if making love was necessary for us to get together. I was a little confused by the question, since sex was what this was all about. So I wrote back and asked how what I'd written would interest her if she didn't want sex. She wrote back to say that she was interested in sex, just not in making love. In other words, since I had mentioned lots of oral sex, could we just do that, without the fucking part? If I meant what I wrote, and would kiss her there, she'd be glad to do the same for me. Her husband didn't like oral sex, either giving it or receiving it, but she loved both of them. And, as long as we didn't fuck, she wouldn't feel like she was really cheating on him. Besides, she and her husband were trying to have a baby, and since she hated condoms, she didn't want to risk getting pregnant with my baby instead of his. So, would I be interested in getting together with her if all we'd do is give each other oral sex?