Uncontrollable Urges

By the time Sonja and I were done reading it we were crying quietly and keeping a death grip on each other's hand. Once I could talk I explained a little of Ann's rapidly building obsession and her inability to control it and her unwillingness to seek help. A lot of what Sonja had read and what she'd heard me say were new things to her and she was understandably shocked

and saddened. I handed the letter back to the officer and they stood to go. They paused at the door and explained about Ann's car and her personal effects and quietly left.

Chapter Twenty Nine

Sonja never left that night and the two of us sat on the couch and talked until we both fell asleep sitting up next to each other. My whole world had been turned upside down, first with Hugh, then with Ann's problem and finally by Ann's suicide. Like Ann and I had been for Sonja when Hugh died Sonja was with me. She was at the house almost every minute she wasn't at work and was vital to my recovery over the next several weeks. Little by little Sonja had reduced her time at my house but during that time had seen to it that Ann's personal belongings were disposed of.

Sonja and I joined Kyle and Toni for dinner or drinks several times a month and at first it seemed wrong or at the least very strange. But given time the healing process took place for both of us and we were actually laughing more often. Needless to say our get togethers were more low keyed than they used to be but they became more and more enjoyable and the last time we got together we even reminisced about when the six of us would get together and have a party.

It was after that get together that I got a visit from Toni. I was surprised and pleased to see her at the door so I invited her in for coffee.

We sat in the kitchen and just chatted for a bit before she said, "Brian I said I was just in the neighborhood and that was a bit of a lie. I came over for a reason but I kept arguing with myself about stopping. I drove by your house at least three times while I thought about it for the umpteenth time."

"Toni you can be open with me. We've been through far too much for far too long. Speak your mind honey."

"Brian you can tell me it's none of my business because when you come right down to it that's right."

"Toni, you're stalling love. Just say it okay?"

"Have you and Sonja been..."

"Are you asking if we're making love?"

"Uh yeah." I laughed and got up to refill our cups.

"No Sonja and I haven't made love for a very long time."

"

"Is it because you're still in mourning?"

"I don't know if I am or not. I still miss Ann of course. I miss her like crazy but it isn't as hard as it was in the beginning so I don't know how to

answer your question. You have a reason for this Toni. I promise you will not hurt me or offend me. I told you a long time ago I loved you and Sonja so I'm sure I can handle what you want to say or ask."

"Don't you miss...making love, sex or whatever you want to call it?"

"I didn't for quite a while but yes I do miss it now."

"I just worry about you Brian, you were always ready and eager to make love and now after what, four or five months you still haven't."

I leaned across the table and took her hands in mine and looking into her eyes said, "Honey are you trying to say you want us to make love?"

She looked straight into me and said, "Yes."

"Does Kyle know you're here?"

"No, I didn't discuss this with him."

"Shouldn't you check with him?"

"Brian, let me worry about that. I miss being with you, I worry about you and I want us to make love."

"I miss you too Toni. I...I'd like very much for us to make love."

We did make love then and it was even better than I remembered. Making love to Toni was like nothing else in the world and I was overwhelmed by the experience.

Afterward I held her and kissed her before saying, "Thank you love, you have done more for my healing than you can imagine."

"Brian I didn't need healing but I certainly did need you." We lay there a little longer before she said she had to get home.

"Brian, this will be our secret okay?"

"Okay Toni and thank you. But just this once without Kyle's approval okay?"

"I agree love. See you soon." Toni left and I felt like I was ready to get on with my life. In fact I felt like I had a new life to get started on.

Friday after work I called Sonja and invited her out to dinner at the neighborhood steakhouse and she accepted. We had a simple dinner and passed on the wine, choosing iced tea instead.

As we left I said, "Could I interest you in a little something at the house?"

"How can I refuse an offer like that?"

We sat on the couch next to each other sipping wine and talking like we had so many times over the last months but when I took her wine glass and mine and set them on the table I think she knew something was different.

"Sonja honey, we have been friends and even lovers for a very long time and I told everybody that would listen a long time ago that I loved you. I still do." I kissed her then, a gentle long kiss loaded with emotion and caring.

"Brian it's been so long and I've missed your kisses."

"I didn't realize just how much I'd missed yours until the other day." We kissed again and I noticed something different. I couldn't quite define it but somehow the kisses, wonderful as they always had been were better now, more important and special.

"Do you really still love me Brian?"

"Yes I do, very much."

"Just like before, as a special friend?"

"No not quite. I'm still trying to find the words to explain even to myself how and why it's different but my love for you is different. It's stronger and you are far more than a friend to me." She didn't say anything but we kissed again only with more passion. As we leaned back into the couch kissing I felt like a teenager again. Then she said, "Take me to bed honey, it's time for us to move on." I kissed her once more lightly and we moved to the bedroom where we made love and we didn't come out until morning. With our first coffee of the day in hand we sat at the kitchen table and talked and looked at each other like we'd just discovered love.

Sonja said, "I should go home and get showered and clean clothes."

"You can shower here with me and if we do it right you won't need clothes."

"That's true but sooner or later I'll have to go home."

"Then I'll come to your house and be naked with you."

"You have a nicer backyard."

"Then we'll go get your things and bring them here and you won't have to go home at all." We both suddenly realized what I'd just said and we stood up.

I pulled her to me in a hug, feeling her warmth against me as I whispered in her ear, "I do love you Sonja. I love you so very much."

"Oh Brian I love you too. Is what we're doing wrong? Are we being too impatient?"

"Do you mean would Hugh and Ann approve? We both know they would. They both know we loved each other a long time ago."

"How do you know I loved you a long time ago?"

"Actually I didn't but I hoped you did, I wanted you too. Remember the certificates and how I wanted you to spend them on me and you said you were pretty certain you would? Remember that? We were in love with each other even then I think."

"I think you might be right."

"How do you think Toni and Kyle will react?"

"I don't know about Kyle but I know Toni will be especially happy for us."

"You like her too don't you?"

"I do yes. She's a great gal, very passionate and sincere. I've often thought she's more than poor Kyle knows what to do with."

"I think you're right. Okay here's another one. Will we ever swap again?"

"I could see it happen one day, do you want too?"

"I'll have to think about that one but for now I'll say maybe. Right now I might get a little jealous."

"I can live with that for now I think. I'm not so sure I want to share you either for a while."

We took a shower together and had breakfast and then Sonja said, "Let's go get a few of my things. I don't want to be over there alone now."

"Why don't we call Kyle and Toni and invite them to a party."

"What party?"

"Our engagement party."

"Brian are you asking me to marry you?"

"Yes I am. If it's too soon we can have a long engagement before we get married, say thirty days. Will you marry me?"

"Oh Brian of course I'll marry you."

"Will Toni and Kyle go on our honeymoon with us?"

"You're kidding right?"

"Yes I'm kidding, but wouldn't that be a party though?"

The End.