Unconventional

I'll start right out and say this much out of the gate. I don't date. Period, end of story. That is to say that I don't go on dates, blind dates, with strangers, as a way of seeking romance and physical intimacy. If I'm on a date with someone, it's because we're already together, and by together, I mean completely. So far, until recently, this has been a relatively limited experience for me, given my active loathing of monogamy.

I believe that, after getting my divorce, giving up the blind date scene, and swearing off monogamy, I've been on dates with a grand total of four people in the past. One of them was a man, actually. Yes, I was frank with each of them and at least three times, I went straight from one date with the boyfriend to another with the girlfriend, or vice versa.

Well, I had just broken up with the boyfriend, who was sorta the last man standing, if you will, when it was time for the annual cosplay convention that I attended. I had never found a relationship with a woman there before, though I had been laid plenty of times. The ex-boyfriend was, at this point, the only partner that I found for a long-term relationship while at the convention. Joey was gay, not bi like me, though that wasn't the only factor in our break-up, but that would be covered later in this account. We actually didn't fuck yet at the first CosCon when we met at all, staying platonic at first, which surprised even me in hindsight.

I had just booked the hotel suite and contacted Uber, expecting to be either drunk, stoned, or both by the end of the night, when I saw her standing next to me at the curb. She was not what some men might call pretty, but I wasn't some men. There were definitely men, much like me, who would gladly punch her dance card in any case. The biggest strike against her in some men's view would probably be her ink, because quite frankly, she had a lot of it. I've met plenty of men, including my ex, who ruled out partners for too much ink (though in his case, it was men he dropped for it, of course).

"Hey, did you call an Uber just now?" the girl in question asked me rather bluntly, while I admired her, sure that I didn't have the time.

"As a matter of fact, I did. Why do you ask?" I answered with a question of my own.

"Well, you see, my credit card just got declined. Must have hit my limit or something. Unless there's a fraud alert, as I'm from out of town. Are you going to the convention? You know, CosCon?" she kept up the brutal candor, which impressed me.

"Actually, yes. You going?" I cut to the chase, not having much time.

"Well, I was, but now... , " she trailed off a bit.

"You counted on your credit card to pay for Uber and you don't have a Plan B, do you?" I was being equally frank with her.

"Bingo. Though I do have a Plan B, just of a different sort," she alluded to birth control.

"Smart girl, at least in that respect. If you're hinting around, yes, you can ride with me to CosCon. It might be the closest I get to staring at your fine body art there before you get all dressed up," I offered her.

"Thanks, dude, you're a lifesaver," she told me, "I'm Katie, by the way."

"No, this is a Lifesaver. I, however, am Konrad," I told her my first name, keeping surnames out of it so far.

"K and K. That's cool. Seriously, thanks. I owe you, big time," Katie repeated herself as she took the proffered hard candy roll and bit into one, crunching it just as I did.

"Ha, you have the same bad habits, too. Crunching instead of sucking on hard candy and mints," I grinned.

"Hey, some bad habits are great, don't ya think?" Katie asked me, as the Uber driver pulled in and I opened the door for her.

"Wow, that's almost like a date, you opening the door like that," Katie teased me as I got in with me.

"Yes, but that's as close as you'll get not knowing me yet. I don't do blind dates. Ever," I informed her rather coolly, much to her shock.

"So, how do you get involved with someone, then?" Katie wondered.

"I just ... let it happen naturally. Compared to what happened to me with the blind dating, it's not as bad as it sounds. Blind dating led to my one and only marriage, and thus to my divorce," I intimated to her, showing her the bare ring finger.

"So, how long ago have you ... been divorced, if I might ask?" Katie walked right through the door that I just opened.

"Six months. We broke up because I cheated ... with a man," I let that piece of information out, causing the driver's eyes to widen in the process.

"You're gay and came out ... or was this some kind of curiosity that went too far?" Katie probed, her eyes exploring my body just as I did hers.

"Neither, actually. I'm bi and didn't realize it until some time into my marriage. I told my wife. She got very pissed at me. Locked me out of the house. My own damn house, no less! I went to my gay friend Joey's to crash for a bit. We had sex a few times. Christy asked me back after a month, conveniently after I served her some papers, but I was still rather furious with her, and I hadn't gotten Joey out of my system, so we fucked some more and got caught.

"This time, she had to get lawyers involved, because I refused to simply let her toss me out of my own place. It was my damn house, in fact! It was in my name! She had to leave this time around. She tried to destroy some things, too, but Joey and I salvaged what I could and he moved in with me for a little while. I suppose that what really got her riled up was when I told her that at least Joey took it in the ass," I grinned at that memory.

'Damn, you're savage, man, and here you just got done opening the door for me! That's a real Jekyll and Hyde thing that you've got going on inside you," Katie giggled before kissing me abruptly, passing me the Lifesaver back in the process before reclaiming it.

"Whoa, girlie! I usually have to pay for that much tongue with the butcher! It doesn't taste as good as yours, either," I teased her.

"Well, mine came with candy. Besides, I wanted to taste a man's mouth that had probably sucked some dick, am I right?" Katie high-fived me.

"Busted! Joey's ain't the only one I've sucked, either, but his was definitely my favorite. Nothing against foreskins. It's just so much easier when you don't have to clean them. That's just laziness, but I'll own it. Half the time, I've had to make them wear rubbers and I hate the taste of latex ... a lot," I made a gagging gesture, which really cracked Katie up.

"So, did he ever suck yours? Or did he only bottom with his ... shall we say, bottom?" Katie cutely played with words, pushing her green-streaked hair back as we arrived at CosCon.

"Let's save that answer for if we ever meet again. It'll be a nice cliffhanger that will motivate you," I teased her.

"Motivate me to do what?" she asked me as I helped her out of the car and left the Uber driver a tip for his discretion.

"To seek me out. I'm eager to see a lot more of your ink," I told her honestly.

"Oh, honey, I was already gonna hunt you down, but now I'll have to stalk you!" Katie winked at me as we each went our separate ways to get changed into costumes.

I tried to ignore the wolf whistles from some of the men in my dressing room, a couple of whom knew that I was bi and wanted a piece of ass before the CosCon started. One of them was openly gay, while the other one seemed a bit more ambiguous. I was curious about both of them, but honestly more in the mood for some pussy, whether Katie's, another girl's, or both. I was certainly open to taking it in the butt, if they had some rubbers or Prep or both. It might have had to wait while I fucked some cutie in her twat or tush, unless they were all open to a train.

I even tried ex sex with Christy now and then. It wasn't bad, but frankly, I feared leading her on with false hopes, even though she had a boyfriend now. It also made me wonder if she was cheating on me the whole time when she'd be that much of a hypocrite already. I certainly wouldn't put it past her, I could tell you that much. The fact that she let me fuck her ass and claimed that it was a cherry one also made me wonder what psychological issues might cause her to give her ex what she denied her beau. This was another reason that I mistrusted blind dates. People just plain hid that shit until after they locked you in, or so they thought.

At any rate, I found myself all dressed up in my favorite costume, that of a Norse jarl, a proper Viking down to my battle mask, my battle axe naturally a bit dull, being just for show. I had no intention of actually using or carrying it. One of the rules at CosCon was that no weapons could be practical for real combat or violence of any kind. That was a sane regulation, if you asked me. Tempers sometimes frayed, and if you lost yours, you didn't want to end up hurting or killing someone and going to prison or jail.

Wandering out of the dressing room, after locking up my possessions and my regular clothes, I winked at Ace and Gary, as I called them, not knowing their real names any more than they knew mine. Gary, the more ambiguous one and the reason that I named them after that SNL cartoon, had a wedding band on him, but I couldn't judge that since I had cheated while married. Hell, I couldn't even judge Christy too much, except that she was as guilty of cheating and hypocrisy as myself and pretended otherwise. I wasn't about to rule out those guys entirely, but I still wanted some cunt. The anonymity of CosCon often made for some terrific sex, if only one relationship so far.

I had the usual mix of tomfoolery with a variety of men and women, joking and goofing around as I always did, something that so annoyed Christy the one time that she attended that she abruptly left and never returned. I even had the occasional autograph from the odd celebrity or two, mostly B, C, or even D-listers who I actually liked better than the rare A-listers I met. Once an actor or model or whatever rose high enough, their feet never seemed to go back down to Earth at all, at least from what I saw. Second, third, or fourth-tier celebs, actors, etc. were typically much nicer to their fans.

I bought the rare book or trinket or two, grabbed a couple of soft drinks and downed them, and generally thought that everything was nice and mellow when I happened on an old buddy of mine. He was the leader of an D and D group that had expelled me years back, but there were no hard feelings. We simply had creative differences and he was the lone vote to keep me, anyway. I still wondered what they did with my character, or they simply killed him off, in fact.

"Hey, Konrad, over here, boy! Don't think that you've got me fooled, Oscar, or whatever your name is these days! Half of the Thor knock-offs I see these days turn out to be you!" Jack Berkowitz clapped me on the back, teasing me with his standard name for my CosCon alter ego.

"Berkeley, what's happening?" I used my old nickname for the guy.

"It's better than Son of Sam, which is what most folks call me," Jack laughed off the usual ribbing that he got for sharing a serial killer's surname.

"Hey, you went to Berkeley, so it fits," I observed.

"I'd rather have gone in Berkeley, as in Elizabeth," he joked a bit.

"She was cute, still is, I suppose. You wouldn't catch her dead in a place like this, would ya?" I laughed as I pictured the actress from Saved By The Bell and Showgirls at CosCon.

"Probably not. Did I ever tell you about the time that I met Lena Headey? The only trouble was that Jerome Flynn set up a booth too close, and with their bad blood from that breakup years back, she stormed off before I could get an autograph. I caught a little glimpse of her cleavage, though. Didn't take a pic, of course. That would be creepy fan shit," Jack bragged for the thousandth time about that incident.

"Well, I saw Scar Jo once here, but it was very brief. As in, she accidentally saw a little of my briefs when I leaned over to hand her a book to sign. She still signed it, but she poked a little fun at me while she did so. I have to admit, getting needled by Scarlett fucking Johannsson was the highlight of that day, and that was the same day that I brought Christy with me. I still wonder if she later found out about that incident and walked out, thinking that I was fucking the Black Widow. As if I had a shot with Scar Jo. Who do I look like, Chris Pratt?" I chuckled as I recalled that weird and embarrassing moment.

"The one A-lister that I ever liked, yeah. All of the others have seemed rather high and mighty, don't ya think?" Jack slapped me on the back again.

"Indeed, so what gives? You never told me," I asked my old friend, who grinned in response.

"I'm hosting a party after the convention closes up shop for the night. I'd love for my old Viking friend to hang out with me and meet some of my new bros. I think that you'd like it ... a lot," Jack invited me at last.

"Hey, beats anything that I had planned or not planned. I was just enjoying the wonders of cosplay, getting autographs, shopping, the usual stuff, hoping to get laid somewhere along the way," I accepted his friendly offer, giving him a bro hug.

"Christy not putting out anymore?" Jack teased me, though perhaps unsure of my marital status.

"Once or twice since the divorce, which is not bad given that it was a rather nasty one. I just broke up with Joey, my boyfriend, and I've been dumped by some girlfriends somewhere in the middle of all of that," I brought him up to speed.

"Wow, you two really did split! I heard rumors, but we haven't kept up, so we need to do better about that. So ... you're really bi, then? I heard some gossip around that topic, but I wasn't sure what to believe. You've never come out to me before," Jack confronted me about that.

"Yeah, and now I have. Sorry I didn't before, but it took a while to realize it, and when I did, my first worry was telling the wife. I should have come out to you or someone else, but we had lost touch already and this wasn't the sort of thing that you spring on an old friend after years apart," I explained.

"Why the hell not?" Jack asked me as he bit into a stuffed jalapeno after buying us one each.

"Because you'd think that I was hitting on you or something. No offense, bro, but we're too alike for me to be interested in you that way. I've had my share of stubborn, curmudgeonly lovers as it is," I pointed out, "plus, I don't think that we play for the same team, if you catch my drift."

"Yeah, no. It is a relief that you're not into me that way, even if it would have been flattering in a fashion. Since we're being blunt and all, I have to come out and say that, yes, my name is Jack Elliott Berkowitz, and I am a heterosexual man. A Jewish straight guy, of course, with all of the family pressures and issues that entails, including the mother that keeps after me to drop all of the goy girls. What would she say if she knew that the last one was black?" Jack chuckled at his own humor, which in this case was pretty funny to me.

"Who was it, someone we knew from our old D and D club, maybe Sammie?" I wondered, which he confirmed by his grin.

"But she's married! Is that why you broke up? Hubby catch the two of you getting it on?" I picked on Jack a bit more.

"No, it was hubby's idea that we date, actually. It was that she wanted to make it a permanent V and I just wasn't ready to settle down with one woman, let alone one that I'd have to share for the rest of my life," Jack clarified, making me nod in understanding.

"Plus, that would really be hard to sell to Mom and Dad, wouldn't it? Hey, Mom, this is my girlfriend Samantha ... and this is her husband Brett! Probably wouldn't go over well at temple, either, not with most rabbis that I've met," I nudged him a bit in the ribs.

"Well, I'm sure that you'll both find somebody, or more than one somebodies. I'm not really cut out for monogamy, either, as you've probably guessed by now. Sammie's cute as a button, downright sexy, in fact, but I could never swear off other partners, any more than you could," I agreed with Jack on that issue.

"Yeah, that kinda became apparent after listening to you there, not that the thought hadn't occurred to me before, even watching your body language with Christy. You always had wandering eyes and so did she. I just didn't think that gestures and eye contact were concrete or tangible enough proof to sell you on the idea that neither of you is the faithful sort. At least you have the good sense to know it, as I do. Christy probably never will figure it out, not even after her third or fourth divorce," Jack replied before gulping down the rest of his iced tea.

"Hell, Jack, I think that most people aren't really monogamous. Just a handful here or there, such as my folks. Believe it or not, I don't think that they were just like others in their generation and conformed. They actually wanted just each other. It's hard for me to relate, but so be it. To each their own. Just as with whichever man ends up giving Sammie what she wants. Some dude's gonna be fine and dandy with it, but not us. She is a looker, though. Friendly as hell, too, and smart as a whip," I gave Jack my two cents.

"Nice tush, especially. Great tits. Loves it in the ass, in fact. Likes the motorboating, too. Which is great for men like me. Man, when those boobs are around, it's hard to think of anything else," Jack confessed.

"That's called being a guy. Only so much blood to go both directions. One head or the other loses out. That's why men should wait until after we've cum to make important decisions about relationships and such. Give it a good half-hour to full hour for all of the blood to return to the big brain instead of the little one," I high-fived Jack now.

"She also really likes white boys, which turned out great for me," Jack informed me of the obvious.

"And for Brett, I'd say. I mean, as long as he's happy as a clam, I won't knock the V scene, even if I couldn't be faithful to anyone, as I've proven by now. For him, though, it's not an issue, so it's a pretty sweet deal. That is one helluva woman and you know it!" I admitted to finding Sammie Davies very attractive indeed.

"That she is. She can suck a dick like nobody's business and she makes a DP feel like the best thing that you've ever had in your life! I've been on both sides of it, too. Pussy and ass. It feels just as great on either end, trust me," Jack bragged on his most recent ex-girlfriend just then.

"Well, before we scandalize the more prudish half of CosCon, given that it's winding down a bit, anyway, how about we get some beers and then show up early for your little festivities?" I proposed, indicating that I was definitely open to a CosCon party, which was always fun.

"Screw that, just come up to my place. That way, you can started early on the booze, weed, snacks, and other tasty treats," Jack suggested, getting me all pumped up with those images.

"Hell, yes, I'd love to score a nice hit or two! Christy kept trying to toss mine out until I quit bringing it home. She still believes that 'Partnership for a Drug-Free America,' crap with all those 'Reefer Madness' lies. How people in this day and age can still think that pot is bad for you is beyond me, but she's one of them," I told Jack, who just shook his head at my ex's ignorance.

"She sounds like Mom that way! Whatever else Sammie was, she loved her some good, strong 420, that's sure. Too many dumbasses think that it's the same as coke, crack, speed, or smack," Jack facepalmed right then.

I picked up my stuff from the dressing room and so did he, to the repetition of the earlier wolf whistles from Ace and Gary, of course. I grinned and whispered my idea of inviting them to the party, and he gave me a thumbs-up, probably figuring that it was my back-up plan to get some booty. In a way, it probably was, but I also got the impression that both men were good for adding even more fun to the frivolity. Whatever happened, they were sure to live it up, I was convinced of that much.