Under The Dancing Tree

"Ummm. You remember."

"Of course I remember, it's only something you demanded we do every night until you were twelve."

"You mean, until I got my first menstrual."

"Yeah. I guess that is what stopped it, isn't it?"

"Yup. Sorry daddy. Even though I grew up on a farm and knew volumes about the changes, I was still shy around you when it came to my private parts."

"Your mom told me that was the case."

B sat up and looked at me.

"She did? When?"

"The night you gave your maidenhead to Del."

"Oh. That night. Do you want to hear about it?"

"Not really. That should be a special memory between..."

"Right, between me and who?"

"Sorry."

"Don't be. Some may think its crazy, but I'd like to tell you one thing about that night."

I thought for a minute about what knowing any details of her special night might mean, but then I thought she has no one else to share those details with and I felt sad for her.

"Okay, but don't be too explicit."

"Ha-ha. You were hoping I'd tell you some of the sex stuff, huh?," she said wiggling a bit in my lap.

"Not on your life. In fact, I was hoping exactly the opposite."

"Well then, it is in some ways a bit about the sex, but more than anything, it was about the love."

"Oh. I can handle love."

B thought for a minute then told me the one thing.

"I know now, after bearing Katy, and even before I was pregnant, the way Del didn't hesitate to move out here with you and Mom, that I made the right decision. I'm guessing Mom told you we'd been fooling around for a while."

"She did."

"Yeah. She told me all about the things you and she would do together, then I'd tell Del and we'd try them ourselves, sort of a learn as we went along type of sex education, if you get my drift."

"Please, darling, not too much detail."

"Okay, so here goes. Just before Del entered me, I remember looking over his shoulder and imagining you and Mom were there watching. When he tore through my hymen, though it smarted quite a bit, I smiled because I was imagining you and Mom watching and approving of the act as a form of acceptance, of all of us accepting Del into our family. As it turned out, it was the least sexual experience I've ever had."

She put her head back on my shoulder and I squeezed her tight, understanding for the first time, the absolute scope of our mutual loss. Half of our family was gone, and what was left were two very, very lonely people, though I think we'd have been a lot worse off without our Katy.

I felt dampness on my shirt. I gently pushed her away from me and saw in the dim light, that B's breast, the one that had been squished up against me, was leaking through her shirt.

"Honey, you're leaking."

"Oh. Time to wake up Katy and see if she's hungry."

"Yeah. Time for me to turn in. I've got to get up a bit earlier tomorrow, if I'm to get all the chores done before we go on vacation."

"Ha-ha, Dad. Church is not supposed to be a vacation."

"I know, I said standing up. "And B, I'm glad you told me about that night. I can see how special it was for you."

"Thanks, Dad," B said, stepping up and kissing me on the cheek. "Maybe next time, I'll tell you about the first time I gave Del a blow-job."

"Bethany Ann..." I started to say.

"I told Mom. She loved the story."

"Oh. Well that was your mother. I'm your father. It's different."

"If you say so, you old fuddy-duddy."

"Night B," I said heading inside and straight to bed.

"Night handsome."

CHAPTER IV

Church was exactly what I thought it was going to be.

I was the returning Prodigal Son, the sailor home from the sea. Though everyone was kind, I think no one really heard the sermon. I imagined they all just sat there wishing they could do something to make things right again.

I believe that way cause I want to believe that way, cause I believe when people are quiet, when there not at odds with each other over business or other day to day things, they really do have charity in their heart. But I was still uncomfortable.

As we all filed out, a few friends stayed behind to express how glad to see I'd come back. I thanked them all but still couldn't wait to get going.

After we left the church, I carried Katy all the way to the hill. I held her and stoked her head while B spread out our blanket and made our picnic lunch ready.

We ate in silence. When we were finished and I was packing things away, B fed Katy.

"So, what'd you think?"

I thought for a minute before I answered. I wanted to gather my thoughts so that when I did answer, I was confident I'd be saying the right things.

"Well first, it was nice to see everybody."

"And..."

"And second, I really don't care to ever go back."

B thought for a moment, fussed with Katy, then looked at me with a look I'd never seen before.

"Are you disappointed," I asked?

"No. No I'm not. Frankly, it's what I expected you'd say, I just didn't think you'd realize that was how you felt so soon."

"I don't think I'll change my mind."

"I'm not going to ask you to change your mind."

"Oh."

"Dad, I want you to look out across this hill and down by the orchard and then over to our house."

I did a quick survey of what she asked and then cocked my head with a questioning look on my face.

"This is why I asked you to go to church with me today. This is why I waited to tell you what's on my mind."

"What is?"

"This. This magnificent piece of earth you and I call home. It owns us. Not that we're captive without choice, but more like we're captive because it is our choice."

"Okay," I said, trying to figure out where she was going with all this.

"We've chosen a life that many would call hard in this day and age."

"I chose it. You were born into it."

"Not true oh forgetting father of mine. If you remember, except for the time Del and I stayed in town, our honeymoon, so to speak, except for that time, I've spent every night of my life under that roof down there. Well except for the times you , Mom and I would camp out up here."

"True enough. What's your point?"

"My point is, you don't want to sell, and I don't want to move."

"Okay. Settled. Now what?"

"Now we need to discuss our living arrangements. How we're going to raise our child. How we're going to present ourselves to the world, well mostly to the towns folk. How we're going to scratch the itch when it needs scratchin."

I thought for a minute before I answered her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.

"B. If you feel the urge to be with a man, as you said once before, I only ask that you be with that man someplace other than our home."

"I can't. When I have the itch, I want to be able to scratch it. Damn Dad, can't you see, I've had the itch now for a couple months."

"Huh?"

"Dad, look at me and listen. This land is ours. That home down there is ours. You don't have family, and I really don't have family. We can't go anywhere. So we accept the inevitable or we go our separate ways and become the two loneliest people on earth. I don't want that."

"What is it you want B?"

"I want us to live together as if we are husband and wife. I want you to be Katy's father. I want you to be my lover. I want us to gather together what's been left us, and live out our lives in joy, the kind of joy that comes from two people being in love."

She paused, then went on.

"I don't want another man. You might want another woman, though I don't really think you do, but how are you going to find her unless you sell the farm. No, my way works in every possible scenario except for the societal norms against it."

"I want to start today by leaving my dancing tree and heading to that house down there, knowing that when we get there, we're going to shut the door on the past and consummate our love for each other by indulging in some good old fashion love making.

I need it. So do you. I need it not just because I itch, but I need it because it will help us sort out our lives."

I guess I should have seen it coming. The hints were there. The little teases which were not really any different than the way any other animal in the world behaves when the time is right. I guess, I too had needs that I'd been fighting, needs that I'd used the excuse of grief to bury.

I looked out across our little corner of the earth and imagined the ghosts of B's husband and mother watching for my reaction. I couldn't help it. This was what we all needed. It was right.

I stood up and helped B get to her feet. I pulled her to me and held her close for a minute. I heard her shallow breath, shallow because she was afraid of rejection, shallow because she had needs that were far greater than any momentary itch, needs that only the universe understands. I kissed her on the forehead, picked up all our picnic stuff, made sure Katy was comfortable in her carry sling and started walking.

"Well?"

"Let's go close one door and open another."

B rose up on her toes and kissed me on the cheek, then said the three words that were a long time coming.

"Let's go home."