Understanding the Sublime

Introduction

Life is a journey that each of make alone. Along that journey, meeting different people happens, passengers sometimes embark on the journey, and sometimes passengers exit to go on their own journey. From the route travelled feedback from others and learning from experience occurs causing a change in direction on the jounery. My journey has taken me to Literotica, especially the stories and bulletin boards. If someone were to ask me, what is one area that my knowledge is increasing form being on Literotica? The response I would give, the biggest evolution of I have seen is my opinion of cuckolding and I feel my definition is evolving.

For those who have read my writings may know my experience with cuckolding has been with one strand of cuckolding and from my time on Literotica I have come to appreciate that there are other strands too. In addition, from my experience on Literotica, I feel there is an underlying assumption, by some readers, that cuckolding and cheating are synonymous. Cheating involves a violation of trust, due to a violation of boundaries and the breakdown of communication the leads one partner to meet their needs outside of the relationship. Whereas cuckolding involves, maintaining trust through an open discussion about the subject, establishing boundaries, and working as a team to maintain the established boundaries. When discussing cuckolding, an underlying assumption is the relationship is healthy and the decision is a mutual decision respecting each other's needs. This implies cuckolding continues as long as the couple agrees that it can continue and in the event one of them decides they no longer want to continue, they are capable of going back to a monogamous relationship. Therefore, the root of the difference comes from cuckolding is done in the open and done to the extent that the couple is agreeable versus an activity that is done in the cloak of secrecy.

Before continuing, it is important to define cuckolding since each person defines it differently. Cuckolding involves the involvement of another person in a relationship either on a short-term or long-term basis that requires consent of the non-participating individual. This means describing cuckolding is not possible by providing a simple definition, due to the many cuckolding variations that exist. Instead I feel cuckolding is best described by using a spectrum definition. A spectrum definition for cuckolding means examining: the presence or absence of: domination / submission in the relationship, the degree to which describing the relationship as an open relationship, the length of relationships, and the number of relationships, and the frequency that contact with the other person occurs.

Ideally, I believe, cuckolding is something a couple should consider only after having some type of group sex experience together. Reason for this belief is grounded in the belief that by having the group sex experience a couple understands what is involved, understands if cuckolding is an option for them, and develop communication skills needed to help them work through a cuckolding experience. Now, I realize that we do not live in the ideal world but the real world, which means people / couples do not operate as expected. For couples who do not come to cuckolding as an extension of their group sex experience, I feel, there are at least four reasons. Therefore, when I write about cuckolding in the article, I am talking about an activity that covers a spectrum of possibilities.

The above definition may seem puzzling to some and I will try to provide a few examples as to how I envision cuckolding being expressed. One example is a typical scenario of the male feeling inadequate about penis size or is quite submissive in the relationship. In order for the male to address the inadequacy or to express his submissive nature in the relationship, the couple enters into cuckolding. This scenario will score high on domination / submission along, scoring high with the relationship being whereby the submissive male remains monogamous and scoring high on the other aspects. My feeling this comes about due to the couple waning to incorporate domination / submission into their relationship or it could, in some cases, come about as a way to maintain the relationship.

Another example would be similar to the above example but this time the male half of the couple is dominant with a submissive female partner. I feel, this could come about because the woman is in a high demanding role where she needs to be in control and this is one way for her to loose some control. Alternatively, I feel, this could come about from the couple wanting to have traditional roles and the woman does this not to please her husband. If you were to score this scenario it would score high on domination / submission, high on being an open relationship due to one person remaining monogamous, but scoring as it relates to relationship including number would be lower than the first example since this would most likely be a more controlled situation. Reason for the lower scoring on the number of relationships and length would most likely be due the amount of time needed before the woman agrees and her need to maintain her relationship with her partner.

An addition example would be a couple exploring the idea of having sex with someone outside of the relationship. This would, most likely be a one-off or limited time experience that is not regularly repeated. Scoring this would result in a very low score for domination / submission due to the decision being about exploration. In addition, it would score low on being an option relationship since this experience would maintain emotional monogamy. Finally, it would score low on other aspects since it is about exploring and not maintaining a relationship. Typically couples that want to explore the idea, try something different, or fulfil a fantasy would pursue this type of scenario.

A final example would be role-playing the idea. This implies that the couple does not physically involve a third person but plays out the idea. When scoring it this would mean domination / submission would be either moderate or low, depending on the scene. Others would be non-existent since there is not the involvement of a third person.

Many readers is at this point may be asking what is the point of this review or essay? The answer to this question is not easy, since there seems to be some confusion about cuckolding and some hostility to it as a subject. The rest of this essay will examine some of the reasons why a couple might consider the idea.

Motivation

In the above paragraphs, I briefly touched on relationship variations where cuckolding might occur and in this section, I will go deeper by talking about what may motivate a couple. Motivation, simply put it is the reward that relationship receives for engaging in that behaviour and as long as the reward provides a benefit then the activity will continue. This implies a central question becomes, why some couples migrate towards cuckolding while other couples shun it. Fully answering that question would mean writing treaties on the subject and my focus is much narrower, focusing on the reasons why a couple would have a cuckolding experience, which is the focus of the rest of this article.

Reward

I am not going to get into a Psychology 101 discussion of positive and negative reinforcement, rewards. Instead, I am going to talk about the relationship between reward and motivation. Motivation, when describing cuckolding, is the willingness to participate in the experience and drive to see the activity through to completion. When it comes to cuckolding, the initial motivating reason may be arousal along with the plethora of emotions that it invokes. The combination of arousal and feelings can be quite intoxicating but with each sequential experience, the effect decreases. This means something needs to replace arousal in order to keep cuckolding a part of the relationship and if finding a replacement is not necessary then the relationship will not maintain cuckolding as part of the relationship. Thus, the relationship between reward and motivation means the two shares a symbiotic relationship that supports the other and once one of them loses their value, maintaining cuckolding becomes difficult.

Society's Norms

From birth message about roles and relationships bombard us. The messages come from religion, school, observing adults interact, and test our beliefs while searching for a partner that meets our needs. From there we incorporate some, rebel against others, and follow some norms until being able to replace it our belief regarding relationships resulting in a philosophy about what we believe is acceptable in a relationship.

My feeling, one factor that I feel motivates couples towards cuckolding or conversely is the biggest barrier in exploring cuckolding is societal norms about relationships. For many couples adhering to the norms provide a level of stability for the relationship, a sense of security, and a lessening of anxiety because they are living within the expectations that is set. Adhering to societal norms does not ensure relationship success but can lessen conflict within the relationship, which can help with keeping the relationship stable. For couples that choose to divert from some of the societal norms cuckolding becomes a possibility, though not a guarantee. It is at this point when a couple will determine the extent that they will redefine societal norms for their relationship, the limits that it will place on their relationship, and the potential impact it may have. Couples who choose this route may risk being discovered, may risk being spurn by those around them, and may risk isolation if because they chose a different route. However, if a couple can successfully balance the desire to define their relationship based on their values, instead of society's, along with the anxiety that is created by not strictly adhering to society's expectation then may find happiness by having more control over their relationship.

Final point, this does not mean a couple that chooses to live a more traditional life would not opt for a cuckold lifestyle nor does it mean that another reason might end their relationship. Likewise, it does not mean a couple that chooses a modern approach to relationships would not seek to become more traditional in their approach nor does it mean undertaking an alternative lifestyle will protect their relationship from ending. Therefore a relationship based on a shared belief that may conflict with society's values and allows cuckolding means, having a framework whereby each person's needs are met.

Needs

Need differs from a want because a need is something that must occur in order to maintain the relationship. Essentially this means without it, the relationship would cease to exist or at least be fraught with conflict. This can be risky for the relationship, since a need maybe one-sided whereby one person needs it to stay in the relationship while the other person does not. The differing value on the need puts pressure on the other to agree to fulfil the need or risk the relationship ending. Being able to negotiate need and communicate them becomes paramount for the survival of the relationship.

I will now try to explain this by providing an example. For example, couple A decides to try a cuckold relationship because one of them has a higher sex drive and the other has a low sex drive. Couple A believes by meeting the need of the individual with the high sex drive by allowing a cuckold to occur pressure on the individual with the lower sex drive to have sex is eased thereby providing a level of stability in the relationship. Arguably, it is a need because the couple feel cuckolding is central to maintain the relationship. However, I believe, this is a want since other possibilities were not explored before option for cuckolding. This type of scenario also raises another issue regarding the impact on the relationship because the lower sex drive may not feel complete because they do not meet their partner's needs thereby adversely influencing their relationship and it does not address an underlying issue in the relationship the reason for the competing sex drives.

An example where cuckolding might work is when one member of a couple has a disability affecting their sexual response and a cuckold could address both needs. A final need, though arguably a want, is a couple where one partner travels a lot and such an arrangement could meet a couple's need. Therefore, the defining feature of a need is a mutually agreeable approach in order to solve an issue that does not adversely influence the relationship.

Wants / Exploration

It is easy to confuse needs for wants. In this situation, a want is something that moves the relationship in a different direction and comes from the desire to try something different. This implies a want is not core to keep the relationship viable and it something for consideration. At this point, it is important to mention, a desire to explore is different than replacing something that is missing in the relationship or fix a trouble relationship. If the decision to try cuckolding is to fix or save a failing relationship then it is not want and probably a sign that cuckolding is the wrong choice until the issue is resolved.

A typical couple that might consider this is a couple that is open to trying new things, evaluating them, and then deciding their next step. This implies that the couple has good relationship with solid communication, and some history together. Also, this implies that the reason for cuckolding maybe to share an experience and not necessarily being done to humiliate the other. Under this type of scenario the couple could explore an aspect of voyeurism, through the telling and reliving the experience.

Resolution

Under this type of motivation, the couple may want to explore cuckolding in order to resolve a question or a mundane issue that comes up without having an impact on the relationship. A question that cuckolding might be used to resolve would be, "what it would feel like if I did have sex with my first boyfriend?" Another question might be, "What would it be like to have sex with the guy that flirts with me while he takes my order at the coffee shop?" Alternatively, the mundane issue could be one partner not having as much sexual experience as the other, a boyfriend / girlfriend from the past, an attraction to someone outside of the relationship, or another issue.

Compromise: Monogamy versus open relationship

Arguably cuckolding can provide a solution for a couple that wants an open relationship but wants to maintain some level of monogamy. Unlike a threesome situation where emotional monogamy remains intact, in a cuckolding situation monogamy only remains for the partner who does not participate. It can be said that cuckolding contains elements of both an open relationship, for the individual participating and monogamy for the non-participating partner.

Conclusion

Life is a journey that provides many detours, dead-ends, scenic routes, and expressways. Every couple that exits on cuckolding will find that cuckolding will take them to different places with some staying on the cuckolding highway. In order for them to stay on the cuckolding highway, they need enough rewards to fuel their motivation that provides a benefit to each of them. Without having, a motivating reason, cuckolding ends requiring the couple to continue their journey together. However, for those that remain on the journey need to have a good map and have their route planned, otherwise they will get lost.

Lastly, cuckolding like everything else in life is there for the consideration but it does not mean all of us have to partake in it. Instead it means appreciating the diversity that it brings, not judging people for their choices or claiming to have a prophecy regarding their relationship,. This means, someone else's journey may not be appropriate for us but we should take time to learn from it. By being able to learn form it, we can learn something a bit about ourselves, what motivates others, and integrate that learning into our lives. I am glad cuckolding is an option but it is something that I would not, necessarily, recommend for everyone.