Understated Beauty

"Yes. About a month after he died. Why?"

He saw the coroner had ruled Jake's death 'accidental.' "No reason. Just wondering."

He left everything out as he'd been asked and let Morgan know he'd seen enough.

"So what's next?" she asked back her car.

"Let's go see Dr. Collins."

As with Chief Thomas, Dr. Collins made time to see Morgan. This kind of personal service was rare in a large city but seemed commonplace in smaller towns. He also hugged her and asked how she was doing. "Is this a new friend?" he asked as he extended his hand to Holt.

"Yes and no," she said smiling at Holt. "He's a private investigator who happens to also be a very nice man so I'd say we're friends." She looked at Holt for agreement.

"We are friends," he said as Dr. Collins asked Morgan what brought them by.

"Something regarding Jake?"

"As a matter of fact," she said. "Is there any chance we could talk privately for just a couple of minutes?"

He asked the nurse to let his next patient know he'd be right with him as soon as he could. "Okay, what's on your mind?"

Holt asked if he'd mind discussing the impotence and anything else he felt comfortable sharing with them. "I'd been treating him for impotence which I know you knew about, Morgan."

"Was there any physiological cause for it?" Holt asked. Dr. Collins looked at Morgan who nodded her okay to tell Holt whatever he knew.

"No. None whatsoever. We ran every possible test and everything checked out."

"So what else could cause impotence if all of the um...plumbing...is in good working order?"

"Several things." He looked at Morgan and said, "I'm sure this wasn't the issue, but a loss of physical attraction could do it."

Holt also looked at Morgan indicating he needed information. "I don't know. Jake always insisted I was beautiful even when I didn't feel that way. After this impotence thing started, I thought maybe I wasn't attractive to him anymore or something." She hesitated but continued. "I even bought some sexy lingerie to spice things up but nothing helped. When the Viagra didn't work, either, I withdrew and kind of gave up, and I always blamed myself."

"Don't," Holt said supportively. "I can assure you you're a very attractive woman, Morgan."

She seemed almost embarrassed when Dr. Collins said, "He's right, you know. I'm over 50 and married so I'm no threat saying this, but you're a very good-looking woman, Morgan. It definitely wasn't you."

"What else could cause this, Dr. Collins?" Holt asked.

"I haven't seen a case of this myself, but I know from professional journals that post-traumatic stress can cause impotence. Living under the constant fear of death can cause severe depression and other physiological problems."

"Morgan? That week or so he stayed with his parents. Did anything happen? A car wreck? A fire? Anything at all?"

"No. Nothing like that."

"Did anything else change other than the impotence? Anything at all?"

"No. Not really. He did run into an old friend from high school. I guess they hung out catching up on old times and the like. He even came to visit several times, but that wasn't traumatic. We both knew him from school. I was three years behind Jake, but we both knew Gary from back in the day. But other than that, I can't think of anything."

"Is his name on this list you gave me?" Holt asked.

"Yes. His name is Gary Snyder. Do you have it?"

Holt scanned the names and found it. "Yep. Right here."

"Anything else I can help with?" Dr. Collins asked.

"Did you by any chance treat Jake for depression?" Holt asked.

"Not exactly," he replied. "Jake came to see me a few days before..." He looked at Morgan before saying, "Before his death and told me he was feeling pretty bad. I can't say for sure but now that you mention it, he may have used the word 'hopeless.' He didn't want to try any kind of medication at that point so I told him to come see me again if he didn't get back to feeling like his old self in another month or so."

"Did he seem depressed, down, or different at all prior to that?"

"Perhaps, but I chalked it up to his frustrations over the impotence. He felt like he was failing Morgan...you know, as a husband."

Holt could see that comment had an immediate effect on her. He reached over and put his hand on her shoulder and said, "It's not your fault. None of this is your fault."

"He's right again, Morgan. This wasn't your fault. It wasn't anyone's 'fault', for that matter."

Holt saw a tear fall from her eye and Dr. Collins offered a tissue. Holt was sitting right next to her and said, "Here. Let me get that so you don't smudge your mascara." He dabbed quickly then pulled back. "Good as new."

They thanked the good doctor for his time then decided it was time for lunch. "I'll make us something back at the house," Morgan said.

"No, that's too far to go just for something to eat. Let's have something here in town. You choose the place and I'll pick up the tab."

"Are you sure?" she asked. "You're already spending so much time and money here."

"I'm actually glad I'm here, Morgan, so let me worry about the expenses, okay?"

She smiled weakly at him then said, "Okay."

As they ate, Holt asked her if there were any other new or changed relationships in Jake's life other than re-connecting with Gary.

"No, not that I can think of," she told him.

"Okay, then I say we go try and find him next."

They spent the rest of the day trying to track him down. The owner of the apartment complex where he'd once lived said he'd moved a little over a year ago. She didn't have a forwarding address so Holt had to get creative in tracking him down.

By the time he had a decent lead it was long passed dinner time and Morgan insisted they call it quits for the night. "We can get started again tomorrow bright and early," she told him.

She made another delicious dinner for them and Holt asked her about the roasted chicken. "Jake was the vegan. I eat fish and chicken and this is one of my favorites."

"Well, it's as good or maybe even better than your lasagna," he told her truthfully. "A bachelor like me gets used to eating microwaved or fast food so getting a really good, home-cooked meal is quite a treat."

"I enjoy cooking," she told him. "But it's not a lot of fun cooking for one." She smiled at him and told him again, "It's really nice having you here, Holt."

After dinner she asked if he'd like to have a beer or maybe a glass of wine. "You know what? That sounds great. I'll take a beer."

Morgan poured herself a glass of white wine then handed Holt his beer. She sat across from him then asked, "So how did you become a fan of Jake's music?"

He laughed and said, "I was a freshman at UF and I had a roommate who listened to stuff by artists who had what he called cult followings. I didn't like most of his stuff, but the first time I heard one of Jake's songs I was hooked. It was like I could crawl inside his soul and feel what exactly he was feeling as he sang."

Morgan smiled and said, "I know, right? That's the same way I felt the first time I heard him at this little bar in Portland. My girlfriend and I had fake IDs and we went together. She kept telling me to go introduce myself."

"Did you?" he asked.

"No. I didn't have to. He came over during a break and asked if he could sit down. My friend made up some lame excuse to leave us alone and he asked me out. I said yes and..."

"Do you ever listen to his music anymore?" he asked her.

"No, not really. He hadn't released anything since his one and only album and he liked to spend his time in the recording studio alone. Well, until Gary started hanging out with him every now and then. They'd spend hours out there playing and singing. I was actually kind of glad Jake finally had a friend besides me, you know? I mean, he and I weren't talking all that much. We weren't fighting or rude or anything. Things were just...strained."

"Do you have any of his newer music?"

"Um...yeah. I have a CD he put together out back several months before he died. Let me get it for you."

She came back a minute later and said, "Would you like to hear it?"

"Yes. Very much," he said truthfully. Moments later Jake's rich, emotional voice filled the room.

"Oh, wow! That is so amazing," Holt said.

"Yeah, everything was always so...sad. So...tortured," she said. "Even more so after the time he spent at his folks' house."

Holt didn't say anything, but the wheels were spinning—fast.

The second song began playing when Morgan said, "If you don't want to just tell me, okay?" Before Holt could ask what she had in mind she said, "I was wondering if...well, would you maybe like to dance?"

He sat his beer down and said, "Yeah. That would be nice. Sure. Let's do that."

He stood up, reached for her hand then led her to the only open area in the room. It was only about five feet across but enough to move around in a circle. He held out his left hand as Morgan placed her right in it, then put his other hand in the small of her back.

"This song is so full of emotion," she said. "It was the last thing he ever recorded."

"So he stopped playing after he recorded this?"

"Yeah. He and Gary were out there all night that night. I don't know when they finished. Maybe three or four in the morning. I thought I heard some yelling, but I was pretty out of it. I did hear his car tear out of the driveway, though."

"Did they argue about something?"

"I don't know. Jake said he didn't want to talk about it."

"Did Gary come back again after that?"

"Come to think of it, no. That was the last time I saw him. Why?"

"Just thinking," he said. "That's all." The scent of her perfume mixed with her shampoo was intoxicating. Her sweater was soft but not as soft as the breasts pushed up against his chest.

As they danced, Morgan looked briefly into his eyes then moved her hand from his onto his shoulder. Moments later, it slid behind him into the middle of his back. "This is nice," she said quietly. Without warning she was pushing against him and he knew she could feel him growing hard.

Holt was becoming aroused and the professional in him told him to back off. "It is, but this might not be such a good idea," he said.

"Why not?" Morgan asked without looking at him.

"Well, we're working together professionally and I'm not sure it's wise to mix business with pleasure."

She pulled him closer then said quietly, "So you find this pleasant?" She ran her hand up and down the middle of his upper back.

"Very," he said also speaking quietly. "Maybe...too pleasant. But perhaps we should keep things on a strictly professional level."

"Oh. I see. Is it...my age, by any chance? Or maybe you don't find me that attractive?"

They still weren't looking at one another. "Trust me, I find you very attractive, Morgan. As to your age, why would I care? A woman as beautiful as you is beautiful regardless of when she was born."

"Jake always told me I was beautiful; especially after he couldn't...function. I wanted to believe him, but it seemed like such an easy way to avoid dealing with the issue."

"I can't speak for Jake, but I can assure he was right. You are beautiful," Holt said and now believed it was true.

She laid her head on his shoulder and said, "I'm not sure why, but I believe you, Holt. Thank you for saying that."

The song ended and as they began to release each other Morgan looked at him and said, "I wouldn't mind if you kissed me."

He was really 'chubbing up' and he knew if he didn't turn this off now, there'd be no turning it off.

He put his hand on her face and said, "You can't imagine how much I want to kiss you, Morgan. But if I do I won't want to just kiss you."

"You're a true gentleman, Holt," she said as she reached up and took his hand. "Just tell me it's not me, okay?" Her eyes told him she'd seen rejection so many times it would be hard to convince her it wasn't her.

He touched his forehead to hers then ran his hands up the back of her arms. "It is most definitely not you, Morgan. You are so very desirable."

"Just not...that desirable," she said her voice trailing off. She stepped back slowly then said, "Um...would you maybe like another beer?"

"Oh, no thank you. One is more than enough."

It was only nine o'clock but Morgan told him she was suddenly very tired and wanted to turn in letting him know he should use the bathroom now if he needed to.

When he came out, she was sitting on the edge of the bed. "I guess I should apologize for...throwing myself at you like that."

"Please don't. I'm having a very difficult time not throwing myself back. Under any other circumstances..."

She smiled and said sweetly, "I wasn't kidding when I said I've always wanted to go to Disney World, you know."

"Then come to Orlando and I'll take you," he told her.

She reached out and touched his hand as she said, "Promise?"

He gently squeezed and said, "Promise. After all, those would be very different circumstances." As he looked at her he couldn't remember a time in his life when he'd wanted someone more than he wanted Morgan Price. He also had no idea where the restraint was coming from, but it had to be the fact that she'd been asexual for so long he knew he could take advantage of that even though that wouldn't be his motivation. There was something about her; something special. And if there was going to be a first time, he wanted it to have real meaning not born of her desperation.

"Goodnight, Morgan," he said as he began to move away. Her hand slipped slowly out his as she wished him the same.

The next morning, she was acting as though nothing at all had happened. "Coffee black, right?" she said handing him a cup as he came into the kitchen.

"What's left on your list after we talk to Gary?" she asked.

"That depends on what he tells us," he replied. He didn't want to tell her that if his suspicions proved true, there'd be no need to talk to anyone else. "I guess we go see Brad."

In an hour, Morgan was ready to go and as the day before she looked distractingly beautiful. She was wearing a simple-but-elegant floral-print dress with a dressy cardigan sweater and a pair of two-inch heels along with a gold necklace and matching earrings.

Holt didn't mention she was hugely overdressed for detective work. He just told her she looked very nice. He could tell by the way she smiled back at him she'd chosen the outfit for reasons that had nothing to do with practicality. It was already turning cold and jeans or pants of any kind would have been the better choice.

It was Saturday and they arrived at Gary's new address around 10am. Morgan knocked on the door while Holt stood to the side. After some lengthy period of silence, she knocked again only louder.

"Hold on!" they heard a voice call out. Seconds later the door opened. A shirtless man about her age stood there holding his unbuckled pants up as he squinted into the daylight.

"Morgan? Jesus. What are you doing here?" He looked around and saw Holt then said, "Who's this guy? What's going on?"

"Can we come in and talk, Gary?"

She explained who Holt was and Gary said something that Morgan didn't understand but that Holt did. "I was wondering when you'd stop by."

The apartment was an absolute mess and Gary had to clear a spot so Morgan could sit down. "I'm good," Holt said as Gary searched for another flat space he could clean up.

He buckled his pants and threw on a tee-shirt that was laying in a pile of dirty clothes then said, "This is about Jake, isn't it?"

"We're just looking for answers, Gary," Morgan told him. "Holt and I don't think his death was an accident."

No one spoke for a moment as Gary looked around. He ran his hand through his messy hair then exhaled deeply. "That's because...it wasn't."

Morgan was confused and looked furtively at Holt then Gary. "What do you mean it wasn't? How do you know that, Gary?"

"Because..." He looked at Morgan in a way that said he didn't want to hurt her but that he had something to tell her that had to be said.

"What? What is it?"

"We were lovers."

Morgan was stunned. She sat there staring at him then said, "You're serious, aren't you?"

Gary nodded his head. "Yes. Very serious." He looked up at her and said, "And it literally killed him."

For the next several minutes he told a story that Morgan listened to spellbound.

"I came out right after high school. I hadn't seen Jake since we graduated. So when he walked into the gay bar I hang out at most of the time after work—back when I was working, I was shocked. We sat and talked and he told me he'd been struggling with this—with his own feelings—for years. He also told me how much he loved you, Morgan. How he couldn't bear to tell you. But he also couldn't stop feeling the way he felt about...men."

"Please spare me any salacious details, okay?" she asked but not in a mean way.

"Of course," he said. "We spent the night together and each night he was in Portland until guilt drove him back home. I wanted him more than anything and he wanted me more than anything except...you. But he could no longer love you like that and I watched him spiral downward each time I saw him."

Suddenly, things became very clear. "You'd meet him at the lake. Up on the trail, wouldn't you?"

Gary nodded. "Several times a week. It was the only time we were ever alone after that first week. I'm sorry, Morgan, but I begged him to leave you; to be true to himself, but he couldn't."

"So...did he..."

"Jump? I wasn't there, but I'd bet everything I had on it. He loved that place and he loved both of us and my guess was that was where he chose to 'solve' this unsolvable dilemma." He looked directly at her and said, "Saying I'm sorry is meaningless, I know. It sounds so trite and insincere, but I am sorry." Tears filled his eyes as he added, "I'm so sorry for all of us. I...I truly loved him. In some sense, this is all my fault."

Holt saw that Morgan wasn't crying. In fact, she'd found the strength to say, "No, it isn't your fault, Gary. It's no one's fault. It just...was. No one did anything wrong and Jake did the only thing he felt he could do to stop the pain. I don't blame you, okay?"

Gary was the one who was now crying openly. "Thank you," he said through his sobs. "I've hated myself ever since. I can't work, I have trouble sleeping. I stay stoned most of the time to numb the pain. I've even thought of doing the same thing as Jake did."

Morgan got up and went over and knelt beside him. "Don't do that. Please. Promise me you won't."

Gary lifted his head and looked into her eyes. "You really don't hate me?"

"No, I don't hate you. I forgive you even though there's really nothing to forgive. It seems you're the one who needs to learn how to forgive yourself, Gary. But I hold no grudge and bear you no malice. So please, please try to forgive yourself, okay?"

He nodded then rested his head on her shoulder as he cried. "Thank you for telling me, Gary. I needed answers. I needed to hear this. As painful as it was, I had to know." She put her hand on the back of his head and said, "That was very brave of you."

"Can I talk to you outside?" Holt asked.

They stepped onto the porch and closed the door. "I think my work is done here."

"Yes. Yes, it appears that it is. I'd like to spend some time with Gary. Would you like to take my car and go get your things? I'll drive you to the airport after if you can catch a flight out today."

"That sounds like a plan," he told her. "And now what Chief Thomas said makes sense. Had they ruled Jake's death a suicide, you wouldn't have received the insurance money."

"Wow. That never occurred to me. I guess small-town folks really do look after one another."

A couple of hours later she was walking him into the Jetport for a flight that was leaving at 4pm. "I can't thank you enough, Holt." She laughed as she said, "I guess you really are pretty good at this stuff."