Underwear Ch. 06

For a long time afterwards he licked and kissed his partner's heaving body, drawing every last droplet of that delicious, creamy spill into his mouth. Clyde growled softly, writhing as he was tongued and caressed on the bed. His fear was forgotten.

When he finally slipped into an exhausted slumber, Rayne lay beside him for a little while longer, enjoying the boy's warmth, before pushing himself to his knees and sliding off the bed in search of his clothes. He let himself out of the flat and pulled the door shut securely behind him, walking back to his own apartment on a cloud of impure satisfaction.

When he got back there Kev was waiting for him on the front steps.

"Where the hell have 'you' been?" the small, slender Vampire demanded, impatience warring with anxiety in his eyes.

Kev looked him up and down for a moment as if there was perhaps something he wanted to say but he kept it in. His arms were folded tightly across his chest.

"I needed to think about things," the mortal answered quietly at last.

"And have you 'thought' now?" Rayne pushed past him and tapped in his entry code, waiting for the door to open. Before Kev could formulate a reply he added; "You could have called me, you know! It wouldn't have hurt!"

"I didn't know what to say," Kev muttered sullenly. He still hovered on the steps as Rayne stepped inside.

For a moment the Vampire leaned in the doorway, observing him coldly. He wanted to hate Kev Delaney in that instant. If he could feel some kind of disgust, a minute element of loathing, it would make things so much easier.

"Oh for fuck's sake, just come in!" he exhaled at last, turning and stalking back up the stairs.

"Make some coffee," Rayne instructed, leaving Kev in the kitchen as he made his way up to the bathroom, desperate for a shower. He still reeked of sex with another man and he could not talk to his mate with Clyde's pheromones in his nostrils.

"I need to talk to you," Kevan called after him, plaintively.

"You had 'three' days to try and talk to me," his mate reminded him with an impatient shake of his head. "I want a shower and I want to sleep."

He turned at the top of the open plan staircase and glared down at Kev Delaney. Lesser men might have run away but he was not surprised that Kevan stood his ground. He was stubborn like that; stubborn and stupid enough to get himself killed. Maybe there was something to be said for him after all. Rayne pushed the idea away as soon as it took root. If Kev was going to get the jitters every time he gave in to his true nature then their relationship was going nowhere. He did not even bother to chastise himself for the 'relationship' slip this time. Like it or not, that was what they had now. There was no getting away from it. He would not feel this way if the situation had been any less serious.

"I didn't know what to say to you," Kevan admitted, pushing his hands into the pockets of his jeans as he spoke. "I'm not going to give you grief about it. I've been thinking things over for days. I haven't been able to think of anything else, Ray."

He wandered back to the sofa and slumped onto it dejectedly, looking up at Rayne when his lover did not immediately volley the admission back at him with some smart remark. Slowly, Rayne came back down until he was poised on the third step from the ground, one hand gripping the rail for dear life, gazing back at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

"I take it you've come to some kind of a decision then?" Rayne tried to make the enquiry sound detached but there was a cold feeling in his gut nevertheless. This was it; Kev was about to bottle out. He had known it would happen sooner or later but a part of him had hoped at the very least that it would happen later than this. He had been stupid to imagine that Kev was any braver than his previous lovers.

"I don't know," the mortal answered mournfully, the prevarication rousing a little spark of impatience in Rayne in spite of his need to know the truth. "I mean... I accept that you can't change what you are."

"Good of you!" Rayne spat sarcastically to cover the burn of rejection in his heart.

"I mean..." Kev protested, pulling his hands from his pockets and gripping the arm of the sofa earnestly as he looked up, "I mean... I never contested the fact that you need to feed. Off people! I never did that, did I?"

Rayne shook his head mutely. Kev was right, he had been remarkably tolerant, even obliging on that front. He was going to miss that, he thought, with a little sigh.

"I'm not going to apologise," he told the man now, before Kev could even broach the subject.

"I didn't come here to ask you to apologise," Kev told him, still gazing up at him like a wretched penitent at the feet of a holy icon.

"Good!"

For a moment they were fixed like that, just staring at one another, neither willing to close the distance; physically or emotionally. Rayne felt tacky. He could still smell Clyde on his skin and in his hair. When he was inside the boy this afternoon, he had not thought once about Kevan Delaney and that still galled him. What he shared with Clyde today was nothing compared to the curious bond he had with this man sitting in front of him. It was a teardrop in his hand, a splash from the vast ocean. Less than nothing.

He shook his head angrily. This was wrong! He had done nothing to be ashamed of. He was a vampire and he needed to feed, whenever and however he could. He did not have to apologise for that!

So why did he currently feel like a complete mongrel?

"You were in the wrong though," Kev pointed out at last.

Icy green eyes glared at him as though they could vaporise him where he sat.

"The fucker deserved it!" he maintained rather more vehemently.

"I'm not disputing that," Kev said in a cooler tone. "He deserved worse than a love bite for the stuff he did to those kids. You know I feel the same way, Ray. But we're the good guys. We have to do things by the book."

"Fuck the book!" Rayne Wylde hissed at him, turning sharply and moving back up the stairs. He needed to get clean and he needed space to think. Kevan rose from the sofa so quietly that he did not know he had been followed until he heard the soft tread of the bigger man's feet on the polished boards of the stairs, right behind him. He spun at once, holding out a hand to keep Kevan away from him. Standing three steps above the mortal he was able to look down on his mate for the first time. It was an interesting perspective.

"Stay down there. I'm filthy. I'll only be a few minutes," he said huskily.

"Can't I be filthy with you?" Kev wheedled with a hopeful little smile.

Rayne pretended to think about it. He let a ghost of a smile twist his lips and Kev smiled back more keenly.

"If you think you're forgiven you've got a lot more thinking to do. Sit down!" Rayne told him, deflating his bubble of optimism flatly. "I won't ask you again!"

He took his time in the shower, having stripped and dumped his clothes in the hamper in his bathroom. Water always soothed him, he did not know why but it had been the same when he was alive. When he was mortal. Before he became some kind of monster! His fingers turned the dial up so that the flow was scaldingly hot and he let it wash away his sins, then rubbed mint-scented gel through his hair and all over his body three times to purify himself, even though he knew it would take a sight more than that. Having towelled his naked body down vigorously, he scrubbed at his teeth over the basin, staring at his painfully familiar reflection in the mirror. People were constantly telling him that he was attractive so he supposed there must be an element of truth in it, but he hated the way he looked; too thin, too weird-looking. He had a face like some kind of evil pixie and although he knew that Kev thought he was cute, he still hated himself.

When he was alive he was constantly checking himself in the mirror and in the reflection from shop windows as he passed by. Everyone joked about his ego and even his best friend, Si thought he was just a little bit vain. Only Rayne knew that somehow, mysteriously, other people saw something he could never see and he was constantly trying to catch that 'other self' out. One day he would take it by surprise and he might see himself the way others did but it had never happened yet.

He spat foam and blood out into the basin and rinsed his mouth vigorously several times.

"Put something pretty on!" Kevan shouted up to him from the lounge area as he came back out into his bedroom on the mezzanine floor of the apartment. "Something silky!"

Rayne ignored him. He shrugged himself into a long, clingy, grey marl sweater with an open neck and pulled on a pair of baggy, black combat pants, running a hand through his wet hair and peering at the way it tumbled back down through his fingers in the mirror on his wardrobe door. The pants were long on him and pooled around his ankles. He looked like a child pretending to be grown up.

Sometimes he felt that way as well.

When he came back down Kev had fixed himself a whisky and dry and there was a substantial vodka shot sitting in a thick bottomed tumbler on the edge of the low, black-lacquered table.

"Peace offering," Kev said, nodding towards it.

"Which... since it was purchased with 'my' money and came out of 'my' fridge..." Rayne did not finish pointing out the obvious. He picked up the glass and emptied it in one go enjoying the burn of the cold alcohol as it trickled down to his gut. It felt clean and uncomplicated.

"Don't be like that," Kevan pleaded, patting the sofa cushion next to him. "Come and sit down with me. You know you want to. You wouldn't be so mad at me if you didn't, eh?"

Rayne narrowed his eyes for a second. Sometimes Kev was so perceptive that it took him by surprise. Then he reminded himself that his lover was a detective and they couldn't 'all' be stupid, surely! He set the tumbler back down carefully and took the three steps to the other end of the sofa, perching on the edge like he was afraid it would be hot. He clasped his hands together and stared at them, steeling himself for the inevitable.

"I hate it when you're angry with me," Kevan told him quietly. "I know you don't understand why I stopped you the other night. I know you'd rather I'd have just left you to it and a part of me wishes that I could have done. But you'd have had to live with that and so would I. Maybe you can..." He broke off, clearing his throat anxiously. "Maybe you 'can', Ray but I can't do that. It's a human life when all's said and done. I've killed enough men in my lifetime. Maybe guys that 'didn't' deserve it; that just happened to not be on our side in a bloody useless war on the other side of the fuckin' world. And that was their only crime. And... before you say anything I know that if I hadn't then maybe they'd have killed me instead. I know that! The blood's on my hands, Ray. I can't wash it off now. But I don't want any more, do you understand what I'm saying?"

Rayne could not look at him. He could not look up from the long, pale hands clasped between his knees. He understood all too clearly. Understanding it did not make it any easier to bear.

"If you don't want to see me again, maybe it's for the best," he said in a small voice. He had no idea where that voice came from, it did not even sound like his own.

'Pathetic!' his dark half sneered. 'Aren't you going to fight for him, you stupid little cunt?'

"What's the point?" he whispered, bending his head and closing his eyes.

The sofa cushions creaked softly and subsided to his left as Kevan moved closer to him. A warm arm eased gently around his shoulders and he wanted to struggle away but let himself be towed into the heat of Kev's body. Too exhausted and confused to even shed tears, he sank into that massive embrace and Kevan held him, rocking him gently. Rayne could feel the man's hot, quick breath against his scalp and Kevan's face burrowing into his wet hair.

"You know that I love you with all my heart and soul, don't you, Ray?" Kev whispered into his hair.

"Just not enough to put up with what I am," Rayne finished for him helplessly. "It's okay, Kev. Really it is. I should be used to it by now, I guess."

"What are you on about?" Kevan asked him mildly, leaning back so that he could peer down at his lover, stroking Rayne's damp, tousled forelock out of his eyes with one gentle hand.

"I'm not as stupid as you think," Rayne looked back at him defensively. "I knew this was coming. I know you're gonna finish this. I just want you to know that I won't... I won't be mad at you for deciding to walk away."

"I'm not going anywhere," Kev said with a shake of his head.

Rayne blinked at him, perplexed. "What?"

"I said, I'm not going anywhere. I've decided to hand in my notice," Kev told him determinedly. "I'm not going to work for the force any more. I've got a mate that can get me some security work for the time being, 'til I decide what I'm gonna do. It's already created too much friction between us, Ray. I want it to stop. I want it to just be me and you. No arguments."

"B...but what are you...?" Rayne could not make his head work. He turned all of this over one more time just to be sure that he had heard what he thought he heard.

"Unless you 'want' me to go?" Kev added with a grimace, looking hopefully at him again.

"No." The vampire shook his head at once. "No, I don't want that."

"We can have our own lives, if that's what you'd prefer," Kev told him rationally. "But I still want to see you every single day. I want to hold you and be with you. I've been so fucking miserable these last few days, just thinking about you and hating myself for making you mad at me. I'll keep out of your way when you need to do... what you need to do. But otherwise I want to be with you as much as I possibly can, Rayne. ...If that's okay with you?"

Rayne felt numb. He was in shock, he realised. No one had ever made such a massive sacrifice just for him.

"You know I'd worry about you doing security work..." he said huskily, still sounding slightly bewildered. "There's all sorts of nutters out there."

"And I've built up a bit of muscle thanks to you," Kev winked at him and flexed his newly toned biceps with a grin. "They'd 'have' to be nutters to take 'me' on."

"What if they just shoot you instead? They're all tooled up now, these kids," Rayne pointed out more seriously.

"I'll wear a bullet proof vest," Kev assured him.

"And a bullet proof skull?" Rayne queried then drew a shuddering breath, recovering some of his bite. "Oh yeah, I forgot! You've already 'got' one of those, 'aven't you?"

"That's more like it!" Kevan chuckled, reaching for him and pulling him close again. "That's more like the Ray I know and love."

He wrapped his arms around the stunned little Vampire and held him tightly, kissing the top of his head again. Rayne curled around him, helpless to do anything else.

"You know I love you, don't you?" Kev rumbled against his scalp, his warm hands slowly caressing his mate's back and shoulders as they curled together on the long, comfortable sofa. "More than anything or anyone! I've messed up one relationship by being so stubborn about what I do and the way I do it. I'm not going to mess this one up as well. I never met anyone like you in my life, Ray. I'd be a complete moron to let you go."

"You make me sound like some kind of fuckin' saint!" Rayne exhaled weakly. He hated himself with a passion and had no idea how he was supposed to make Kevan see what a massive mistake he was making. "I'm not worth this, Kev. You should tear up your letter. Just get on with your life. I'm just not worth it."

"What do I have to do to make you see that you're wrong?" Kev asked him gravely.

"You can't do anything." Rayne pushed himself out of the comforting warmth of that powerful embrace. He stroked his hands lightly over Kevan's arms and the familiar contours of his lover's face. "Kevan, I don't deserve you. I'm... cheap and I don't deserve your kindness."

Kevan touched a finger to his lips.

"Shhh," he breathed. "You think I've no idea what goes on in that pretty head of yours but you're wrong. I know what you've been through and I... I can never pretend to understand it but I know that something like that leaves its mark. It doesn't mean that you're not worthy of someone's love, Ray."

"It's not just the abuse," Rayne muttered vehemently. If he had been mortal his cheeks would have been flushed and hot by now. He hung his head, hiding behind the protective spill of his damp, black hair. "I'm... There's not a good way to say this, but I'm a complete whore, Kevan. I've slept with more guys than I can count, and plenty of women too. It doesn't mean anything to me. Some people smoke; some binge on chocolate; I get myself laid! It makes me feel better."

"I don't care," Kev told him pragmatically. "I don't care if a million men have had you. I want to be with you, and I want to be the only permanent man in your life. I want to look after you."

"It's dangerous," Rayne argued atonally, dropping his hands back into his lap. "Kevan, if anything happened to you because of who I am... 'what' I am... I could never forgive myself."

"I'm willing to take that risk." Kev took his hands and rubbed them gently between his own. Then he let go and rummaged in his pocket. "Oh... I almost forgot."

He pulled out a small, black silk bag with a drawstring neck, small enough to nestle in his palm and held it out to the Vampire solemnly.

"I bought you a present. I know you hated the first one. I know it was unsubtle," he explained hastily. "I hope this is more to your liking."

Rayne looked warily at it. Kevan seemed to sense his reservation and quickly added; "It's not undies, I promise. Though I would like you to 'wear' it. Go on, take it."

He picked up the bag cautiously as though it might bite. It felt heavier than he had imagined it would be. Conscious of Kevan's eyes on him, he pulled gently on the silken ties that held it closed and tipped it so that the contents spilled into the palm of his hand. Or 'content', rather; in the singular. Within the bag was a thick band of dark grey platinum and white gold in two layers. The dark outer layer was set with a single row of evenly spaced, tiny, glistening diamonds no bigger than a pixie's sweatdrops. There were nine of them in total.

"It's a size smaller, so you don't lose it," Kevan said helpfully. "Are you going to try it on?"

"I..." Rayne could not make his mouth remember words. He stared at the ring in his hand and felt his world shrink to this moment; Kevan's voice and his touch and the feel of that circle of precious metal on his palm. He shivered uncontrollably, as if someone had walked over his grave.

"C'mere," Kev cajoled, taking the ring and turning his left hand palm down. He slid the simple band onto Rayne's third finger and admired it with a proud smile. "It looks good. Do you like it? If you don't like it..."

"It's beautiful," Rayne interrupted him, still staring at his hand as if he could not understand what it was doing in front of him. He could feel something building inside him, a massive pressure that demanded release. He could not do this. It was wrong. "It's really beautiful. But I don't deserve it."

"Let me decide if you do or you don't," Kev told him.

"I fucked another man this afternoon," Rayne said in a neutral tone, unable to look at him. At once the pressure in his head subsided. It was like letting the air out of a balloon. He slumped against the back of the sofa but could not take his eyes off the ring and he could no more let Kevan be sheltered from the truth than return to a normal, human life. The life he craved. "I bit him and I bled him on his bed and I fucked the arse off him over and over. And I loved it."