Undone

"You're a grown woman. You can do this. This is not a hard task."

The naked woman in the mirror did not agree. Kate tried a new tactic. "There's nothing to be nervous about. She's just a woman, for God's sake."

The naked woman in the mirror looked out at Kate as if Kate was nuts.

"Okay, so there's no such thing as 'just a woman'. And, okay, so this woman is funny, sexy, and different from nearly every other woman you've ever met. But, Jesus, Kathryn, you're not exactly a virgin. Going on a date is nothing new, to you."

The naked woman in the mirror reminded Kate, mentally, that while going on a date was nothing new, going on a date, sober, was new. Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She replayed the events of the morning on her mental recorder, starting with the phone call at half past nine.

"Kate?"

"Sue!"

"I'm calling because... I spoke with Cheryl, this morning."

Kate's stomach had knotted up. At 7 am, Kate had arrived at her usual weekday AA meeting, finding Cheryl sitting all alone without her roommate, which was unusual. When Kate had gotten a cup of coffee and settled in on the folding chair beside the tall blonde, she'd leaned over and whispered, "Where's Sue?"

"Sleeping," Cheryl whispered back, keeping her eyes fixed on the secretary. "How did your 'day out' go, yesterday?"

Kate had flushed from her neck to her ears. "It was fine," she'd whispered. Cheryl turned and looked at Kate.

"Oh my God. You've really got it bad, don't you? What happened yesterday? I want details." The secretary and two other men glared at them. Kate waited till they looked away and leaned close to Cheryl's ear.

"Nothing happened. And I mean, nothing. She picked me up at ten, we spent the day together as friends, she dropped me off at 9:30 at night. And Cheryl, I'm telling you, I said a total of five sentences the entire damn day. I was so nervous...." Kate sat back in her chair and looked down at her coffee.

When the meeting was over, Kate and Cheryl stood outside of the episcopal church it was held in, and smoked while Cheryl pressed the issue.

"You like her a lot, don't you?"

Kate nodded. "More than a lot, Cheryl. God, the woman sends electric ripples through my body and soul. However strange that sounds."

"Doesn't sound strange at all. She likes you, too, baby."

Kate shook her head. "Trust me, she doesn't. A woman can tell these things."

"Yeah, well, your female intuition needs a tune-up. I'm telling you, she thinks you're amazing. And very hot. Which, of course, you are."

"I'm also a newcomer, and I'm eleven years her junior. Trust me, the woman is not looking at me as a potential candidate for romance. She's kept the entire thing as 'just another friend in Recovery.' "

"Stick around Sue for a little while, honey. You will quickly learn what is 'Sue being real', and what is 'Sue acting blase and tough just to protect her heart'. She's a lot more transparent than she thinks she is."

They had left it at that, and Kate had returned home to yawn sleepily and continue her job search on the computer. At 9:30, her phone had rung, whereupon Sue had informed her that she and Cheryl had discussed that morning's conversation.

"Sue..."

"Now, just hold on. Breathe. I'm calling because you're wrong, and Cheryl's right. I do like you, Kate. Very much. Do you know that you're the reason I started going to this meeting?"

"I am?"

"You think I love sobriety enough to get my ass out of bed at 6:30 every weekday morning?" Kate could hear her smile over the phone lines. "I'm not working, right now. Believe me, I'd much rather catch up on my beauty sleep. Durita told me about you, said that I should come and meet you. So I did. I wasn't expecting anything. I knew you were a newcomer, only sober about four months. I was only thinking it would be nice to meet another lesbian in Recovery in the area. Hell, there's only about four of us, and I've already fucked the other three."

Kate burst into laughter.

"But when I met you... Kate, you take my breath away. You're beautiful, you're warm, you are, hands down, the most loving and gentle person I've ever met. You remind me of an angel. So... I know that you're new. But I would like to take you out, to dinner, or a meeting. Take it slow. See where this leads."

"That would be nice, I'd like that."

"I need to let you know... This is a litte awkward... I tend to move slow. As in, at a snail's pace. I was with my last girlfriend for six months before we slept together."

SIX MONTHS?!!?! "Oh, that's not an issue, Sue." SIX MONTHS?!?!?! WITH AN ASS LIKE THAT, SHE KEPT HER HANDS OFF YOU FOR SIX MONTHS?!?!?! WAS SHE BLIND?!?! "Really, it's not." God I hope I mean that.

"How about I pick you up at 7? We can go the evening NA meeting, if that's alright with you."

"Isn't it your birthday today? Are you sure you don't have other plans?"

"It is my birthday. And I'm giving myself a present, of an evening with you."

Oh. Hell. Kate melted into a puddle of warm chocolate at the soft and easy tone in Sue's voice. "I'll be ready," she said quietly.

So there she was, at a quarter past six, staring at her reflection in the mirror and trying to pep-talk her way through the first Pre-Date Routine she'd gone through without booze in fifteen years. Luckily, her dark brown hair was cut short, and she never had bothered to style it. As for make-up, Kate had a rule. No make-up. Ever. It had started because she couldn't see the benefit to getting out of bed half an hour earlier every morning just to put on war paint. She figured, if this face is good enough for God to give it to me, it's good enough for me to leave alone. Therefore, her little routine didn't take too long. Unless of course you counted all the agonizing minutes spent locked in turmoil and panic.

She turned the shower on and reached past the curtain, holding her hand beneath the stream of water. When it was just below scalding, she got in. She lived for hot showers; almost the same way she'd once lived for hot women. As she soaped up her body and washed her hair, she tried not to think too hard about Sue or where this was going to lead. When she had first gotten sober, she knew the General Rule: don't date for the first year. She had had no problem whatsoever with that rule; in fact, she'd welcomed it. She'd welcomed it, because she was tired. She was tired of The Script. She was tired of The Roles. She was tired of every passionate kiss HAVING to lead to the bedroom. She was tired of The Game. She'd played it for years, and God she had been good at it. She knew what to do, when to do it, and how to do it. She knew when to tilt her head, when to give her crooked smile, what looks with what intensity to shoot from across the room. She knew every line, every nuance.

There was a Logical Order of Things. Girl meets Girl; Girls follow Lesbian Romance/Sexcapade Script; Typical Lines are said in Typical Roles, all leading to the Typical Ending. And she was so. Fucking. Tired of it.

She rinsed her hair and splashed the hot water over her face, washing the suds out of her eyes. When she opened them, she stared down at her razor on the side of the tub. And thus began The Great Dilemma.

She pursed her lips and let the two warring sides of reason go at it within her skull.

"You should always shave -- you never know, Kate. She said she moved slowly, but what if things take an unexpected turn?"

"Girl, don't you even bother. It's just now hitting spring, and you've got a winter coat going. If you start shaving, you'll be in here for another five hours."

"Oh for God's sake, it's not that bad. What's fifteen minutes of your time? Just to be safe?"

"You're forgetting the laziness factor. That fifteen minutes spent shaving your legs and bikini line could be spent standing here under the nice, hot water, doing nothing."

With that last argument, the debate was over. Kate left the razor sitting where it was, and rubbed the muscles of her neck beneath the shower spray. There was another reason for the decision to not shave: she didn't want to admit that she hoped this date turned into Something More. Not just Something More for Tonight, not Something More with an Orgasm. Just... something more than the ridiuclous attempts at love and lust and longing that she'd engaged in for so very long.

She toweled off and dressed quickly. A pair of levi's, a lacy bra, a zip-up gray sweat jacket. She stood in the mirror for a good five minutes, figuring out the perfect amount to leave the jacket unzipped and still look casual. Kate was just slipping her feet into her sandals when the doorbell rang.

"Right on time," Kate smiled as she opened the door onto Sue's small, toned frame. The woman stood just under 5'5'', and couldn't have weighed more than a buck ten with two rocks in her pocket. Her smile beamed across her elfish face.

"Are you ready?"

Kate smiled, and locked the door behind them. She felt... nervous. She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt nervous around another woman.

Her eyes were glued to Sue's ass as she followed the older woman to her car. God, she loved Sue's body. It didn't even make her self-conscious of her own, which was a strange thing for Kate. She had never gotten used to the fact that she had more hips and breasts than she was comfortable with, and dating women who were smaller than she was always made her feel enormous. Not with this one, though, she mused as she opened the passenger door to Sue's car.

She was buckling her seat belt when she realized Sue's eyes were on her. She looked up slowly into two aquamarine seas. "You know, I'm not taking you home tonight."

"Oh no?"

Sue smiled and started the car, as Kate's stomach flipped over twice and shot butterflies through her veins. Had she been serious?

The meeting that night was at the same episcopal church that the morning meeting was held in, and Sue parked the car across the street. As they strode towards the church, with Kate a few steps in front, Sue suddenly leaned close and whispered in Kate's ear,

"So...if a woman was to casually reach over and pull down on that zipper of your jacket.... What exactly would she find?"

Kate blushed and she shyly looked down at the ground as Sue walked around and fell into step beside her. "Probably nothing she'd want to see," Kate whispered. WHAT?!?! Her voice screamed in her head. WHAT?!?! SINCE WHEN DO YOU ACT THIS WAY DURING THE FLIRTING STAGE?!? HAVE YOU NO SELF-RESPECT?!?

Sue said nothing, and they walked inside the church to sit down. The evening sun was filtering through the windows, dappling the wood floor and the smiling faces of Those Who Should Have Died Years Ago, shaking hands and exchanging hugs. Sue touched Kate's arm and the younger woman looked at her. Their eyes met, and that same sensation that Kate had experienced the first time they had looked at each other --- that strange, rippling wave of electric heat and sweet serenity --- washed over her spirit and caused her breath to catch in her throat. Their eyes held the moment.

"I completely forgot what I was going to say," Sue whispered with a breathless smile.

For a moment, the look lingered. And then the meeting began. Sue faced forward, and the two women tried their damndest to concentrate. But every few moments, their eyes would meet. And breathless became electric became satin became want became peace.

Peace. That, above all else, was what Kate felt when she was around Sue. Everything was natural, easy. In fact, it was a little too natural. When they had spent the previous day together, there had been so many moments that Kate had caught herself reaching up to lightly stroke the back of Sue's neck or brush the hair away from her face; the sort of absent-mindedly tender gestures of lovers, of partners, of years-upon-years-building-comfort-and-trust. Not the touch of a new acquaintance; a friend, or possibly more. Not any touch that Kate had a right to share with the woman.

And it was more than just these moments of automatic, natural tenderness; when Sue spoke, Kate sat in rapt attention. She found Sue absolutely intriguing; a brilliant sense of humor, and an amazing mind. And when she thought about it, Cheryl was absolutely right; Sue was far more fragile than she liked to let on. Which made her not only human... but soft. There was a softness to her voice, to her eyes. A gentility not immediately noticed.

Though Kate had talked very little during that day, it was not for lack of trying on Sue's part. Kate had simply been too nervous to speak. Her mind had been blank. On the ride back to Kate's house, she had apologized for this, but Sue dismissed it with a wave of her hand. "You have nothing to apologize for, Kate. I loved today. I've heard you share in so many meetings, and it's made me long to know even more about you. Hopefully, when we're more comfortable together, you'll let me in." But Kate was comfortable. Very comfortable. That, she thought, might be part of the problem.

The meeting continued on, and Sue and Kate continued their moments of breathless timeless looks. Eventually, Sue shook herself and moved her chair slightly, so that her back was to Kate, taking away the temptation to look at her. Kate smiled and focused back upon the meeting. After five minutes, Sue leaned back and whispered, "Can you come back with me after this? Watch a movie at my house?"

Kate nodded, her skin tingling from the sensation of Sue's warm breath in her ear. The rest of the meeting seemed to drag on forever.

The ride to Sue's home passed in silence, and Kate looked out the window at the night glow of the city. They wound their way past stores, stations, and homes before pulling up in front of Sue's small two-bedroom home at the other end of town.

When Sue let them in the front door, Kate found herself standing immediately in the front room. Sue flipped on the dim overhead lamp and motioned for Kate to sit on the couch to her right, as she disappeared into the bedroom.

"Do you remember what you said to Durita, the first day that we met?" Sue called out to her.

"No..."

"You said, 'A woman would have to throw herself in my lap, in order for me to even consider the possibility that she might be attracted to me.'" Sue emerged from the bedroom carrying a small, square pillow in her arms. "Well, baby... consider this the extent of my 'making a move'," and she tossed the pillow into Kate's lap with a grin, laying her head upon it as she stretched out along the sofa.

Kate turned the light off as Sue turned the television on and began the DVD. Kate could not concentrate on the movie, for the life of her. All she could do, was stare at the woman in her lap, in the flickering darkness. She wanted to reach out, to reach over.... She wanted nothing more in the entire world, than to simply stretch out her hand, and bring it to rest lightly upon the woman's shoulder. There was nothing more she longed for. No deeper yearning in her heart. Her mind had not leapt on, towards the Sex to Come. She just wanted to touch her. She just wanted to be close, to be connected. She couldn't remember the last time something so simple had even entered her mind.

She brought her right arm up and laid it across the back of the couch, lightly running her fingertips over the embroidered fabric as she stared blindly at the television screen. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed Sue's hand slowly rising... slowly lifting... slowly brushing against her own.

Kate watched as Sue's long, elegant fingers gently interlaced with hers. But the fingers did not remain. They wove through, they touched, they entwined, and then they slipped away...they trailed over the back of her hand...they caressed the soft flesh of her palm. Kate let out a soft moan, and Sue gasped at the sound. But the two women did not move.

Kate slowly raised her hand off of the couch, her fingertips brushing against Sue's. Soft flesh kissed and teased soft flesh as their hands and fingers danced. They were speaking to each other, they were seducing each other. And both of them knew it.

This is the way I will be with you, said their hands to each other... I will be soft, gentle, tender... This is the way I will touch your breasts, your lips, your stomach, your thighs... Feel how softly my fingertips dance across your palm... That is how soft I will be with your sex... But now, feel this.... Feel how fierce I am becoming, how wanton, how desperate.... Feel the way I cling to your wrist, lock my fingers with yours, the pressure, the force, the grip I hold you in... That is the heat of my desire, that is the depth of my yearning, I want you, I want to breathe you, taste you, take you... Feel my hand slipping into your hand.... Feel my hand caressing you... grabbing you... loving you... exciting you.... This is the way I will be with you, this is the lover I will be...

Kate's breathing had become little more than ragged gasps, and her eyes were glued to the rapid rise and fall of Sue's chest. She had never experienced anything so erotic in her life. When Sue suddenly raked her nails across Kate's palm, Kate groaned, and with that Sue flipped over and hovered above Kate's breathless form.

"I can't take this anymore," Sue said with a grin, and suddenly her lips were on Kate's, her tongue was tasting and teasing their flesh. Kate moaned and parted her mouth to envelop Sue's heat. She ran her hands up the woman's back, and pulled her harder against her, wrapping her legs around the smaller woman's body as their tongues swirled against each other.

Sue finally broke the kiss and led Kate back into her bedroom. She pulled the younger woman down upon the bed with her, holding her tight in her arms. For the next hour, they didn't speak. They kissed, they clung, they touched. They looked in each other's eyes.

Slowly, Sue pulled down on the zipper of Kate's jacket, and Kate closed her eyes with fear. What if she didn't like what she saw... What if she wasn't beautiful enough, soft enough... anything enough... When she opened her eyes, Sue was staring into them with warmth and passion. She slipped the jacket off of Kate's arms and tossed it on the floor by the bed, gently pushing Kate back amongst the pillows. She kissed Kate's shoulders, the hollow of her neck, her chin and cheeks.

"God you're beautiful," she whispered in Kate's ear, nuzzling her cheek with her nose. Kate felt tears coming to her eyes. "You are the most beautiful woman I've ever known, Kathryn," Sue continued, running her hand lightly across Kate's tummy, tracing the soft curves of her breasts. "Inside, and out." They kissed again, as Kate reached up and began unbuttoning Sue's shirt.

"I need to feel you... against me.... your skin against my skin... please..."

Sue slipped out of her shirt and tossed it beside Kate's, and Kate smiled inwardly at the very sensible sports bra Sue was wearing underneath. Then that, too, was gone, joining the other clothes on the floor, and Kate's breath caught in her throat at the soft, small, porcelain body in front of her. She reached out and cupped Sue's breasts in her hands, running her thumbs and fingertips over her nipples, circling, tracing, teasing. Sue's head fell back and she moaned. She pulled the younger woman up, towards her, and undid the clasp of Kate's bra. When there was nothing left to form a barrier, they fell into each other, flesh against heat against silk against peace.

"Oh God.... Lover...."

"Jesus, Kate... Oh baby, you feel like heaven..." They kissed again, and the kiss became deeper, and the kiss moved on forever. For moments that lasted a lifetime, they kissed, they moved, the caressed. But that was all.

As Sue lay upon her side and wrapped Kate up within her arms and legs, their breathing slowing to a synchronized rhythm, their bodies soft and strong against each other, Kate realized that this had not been anything like The Script that she was used to. Before she drifted off to sleep, she stifled a laugh at the memory of the Razor Dilemma. Well, Sue hadn't seemed to mind...